Quote From: girlgeek1Dr. Phil, to reach Grant, you're going to have to think like an engineer. He doesn't speak "people." He speaks electrical systems--not even mechanical or biological systems. Electrical systems can run almost 24 X 7 with little or no maintenance. Mechanical and bio systems can't. They need to be maintained, repaired, and fueled. And you know how much more complicated people are!
Grant is probably a really good engineer. He wants to understand and control things. He knows that the first step in engineering is to write a specification and then measure a solution's variance from the specification.
But his wife isn't a technical product, and neither is his marriage. I admire his wife for trying to live up to his specifications, but they are not realistic. Her truth came out when she said she chooses to read her child a book rather than do a few more minutes of cleaning to perfection, much as she'd like a perfectly clean house. But that wouldn't be a home.
His specifications don't include anything about the kids. He clearly has no idea how to deal with them; they certainly don't perform to spec. And he has no idea how much work it is to raise kids.
Perhaps the next steps could be to draft a spec for all of the Mom duties, right down to packing bookbags and lunches, arranging play dates, etc. Dealing with disruptive events like a naked toddler running outside, or kids with chicken pox, also need to be on the list (since they require the system to have flexibility). Then, assign a time estimate to all of the items on both his wife specification and the Mom spec. It would rapidly show that there are at least 3 long days' worth of work for every day.
Part of engineering is figuring out what is core functionality and what is "nice to have." Grant hasn't figured out the difference. If the kids are clean, fed, developing normally, and happy, then that is a core success. If the refrigerator has good food in it and the cars have gas, then that's a core success. If his wife smiles when she sees him walk in the door in the evening, that's a core success.
Having the pantry organized to visual perfection is not core. Being able to dance a certain way is not core. But including those things as requirements means that there isn't time to perform on other (real) requirements.
And if he wants the pantry door to open 90 degrees, he can darned well put up hooks on the back to raise the mops & Swiffer up off the floor. That's not core and it is something he can improve without even spending much money or time.
But I think he'd find more satisfaction if he could watch some men interact with their kids--and wives. Maybe he could see some happiness from just being together...not from requiring order and control at all times. I suspect he is a perfectionist who thinks everything will be fine if the world just does things his way. (Yes, I work with lots of EEs). The messiness of the real world is very frightening and chaotic for him.
He might also learn something from writing down what he thinks his kids will remember of him when he's gone. Will they remember a perfect pantry? Or reading together? Or playing games in the yard, even if it meant they got messy? That list might be a good starting point for dialogue.
Right now, Grant sees nothing wrong with his specification. It makes perfect sense to him. It is what he wants and expects. He's angry that the wife he chose can't live up to his specification. That's probably where his anger is really coming from...he's probably angry that he made an imperfect choice. And he probably thinks that doing something emotional, like falling in love, is the reason that his choice was imperfect.
Until he sees that the specification can't be met by any one person, he won't accept that it is not helping. You need to help him see that some specs can't be built. If he can understand that there isn't enough time to do everything perfectly, maybe they can get some agreement on what things to buy or not do so they can focus on whatever they agree is really "core." That may mean getting a sitter, getting a cleaning service a couple times a month, or whatever.
Right now, they're stuck. Until someone can reach Grant in his own language, they'll stay stuck.
Good luck!
geekgirl1
You are absolutely correct geekgirl1. He needs to be told in his own language so he can understand. Marriage is an equal partnership. He's treating his marriage as he treats his job. I totally agree with everything you wrote. You have hit the nail right on the head. Good job.
Kesstra
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
