Quote From: gallenI wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed.
Grant - I have to say I came in at the end of the show and was interested to find that you put a clean house ahead of time spent with the children. Yes children learn from their parents, responsibility for their actions and accountability and these are very important lessons. They also learn how to cook, and clean but perhaps a more important lesson for our children to learn is how to relate to their spouse and what is actually important in a relationship. Not only do they learn acceptable behavior they learn acceptance – even when they are not perfect. Which behavior is more acceptable: ensuring that the bathroom is clean or ensuring that a three year-old child is not riding down the street unsupervised? (Where I come from an unsupervised toddler on the street would cause the police to be called, the person responsible for supervising the child would probably be arrested and the child possibly removed from the parent’s custody for.) Which is more desirable: a spotless kitchen or a child, who knows that their parent will take the time to play, read or just sit with them? What lessons are the most important for the children to learn: that a clean home and dinner on the table at a specific time is required or that when they need mom or dad that everything else will stop and they will have mom & dad’s undivided attention – for even the silliest things (and sometimes the silliest things are the most important).
Just so you know I am a mom and wife. My husband and I have been married for 19 years and we have a beautiful 14 year old daughter who is an honor student in high school. Did I stay home to raise her? No, our financial situation and my nature really didn’t allow for that. My husband went to school at night to become an Engineer for the first couple years after she was born. I am now in my 3rd year of college and we both work full time. I know that my daughter is aware that no matter what she is the most important thing… are the dishes always done every night? No. Is the laundry always folded and put away? No. Is my daughter a well bright, well behaved child on her way to a good life? In my very biased opinion yes. Is she aware that having a clean home is important? Yes. Does she think that this should take priority over everything else? Thankfully no.
The division of labor in a home is necessary… but that doesn’t mean that the husband's only labor is to bring home the money and the stay at home wife’s labor is to cover everything else. Raising the children, keeping the home tidy and being a warm, loving,supporting spouse are the responsibility of both parties.
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
