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February 21, 2006, 6:16 pm PST
02/21 More Wifestyles
Quote From: gallenI wasn't sure how to react to your post when I read it the other day. You lay out a very detailed analysis and description of what goes on behind the scenes of filming and preparing something for television or cinema. I could only think of two reasons for doing so.
Do you honestly believe that your explanation of Hollywood was a shocking surprise to me, or that you were providing the missing pieces of reality that I have been unknowingly looking for? I hate to disappoint you. Star Trek is science fiction, Desperate Housewives is a very fun prime-time soap opera that airs Sunday nights, and 24, with my man Jack Bauer, is a slightly exaggerated re-enactment of real life events, and Grissom doesn't really get the DNA results back from the lab in time to solve the case before the credits role.
The other possibility is that you were taking a sarcastic jab at me, trying to do so with a little flair by trying to talk down at me. My ideas are not original; they come from hearing what other REAL LIFE people have told me about their relationships and division of household labor. It might really rock your world to learn that one of these people is my wife Kelly. After the show aired in October, a number of people shared with me that they were facing similar differences in their marriages. Some people are ok with settling for just living with it; the strife, increasing arguing and hurt feelings, but I wanted to do something about it. Taking all this to Dr. Phil was a choice I made, infrequently questioned, but haven't regretted. Let me go on a tangent for just a minute, but I think the crisis of society is partly due to the absence of the personal accountability and responsibility. In the parenting and family magazines that I read, the era of the 1950's is frequently used as a comparison to the domestic 'health' of families today. In a way, I am suggesting that if something worked then it should be used today. Technology doesn't fall into this category; I'm an engineer. Having Mom at home when the kids came home from school kept them out of trouble, doing their homework and keeping an eye on who they were associating with. Crime statistics, teen pregnancies, drop-out rates, gang violence, drug usage by teens, etc..., are indicators to me that more of the same 'laid-back or hands-free parenting' is only going to get us into more trouble. We had a hospital in town shut down a few years ago because people were not paying their bills for treatment they had received. There is another hospital up the street facing similar problems. So, where am I headed with this - let me tell you. Kids learn from their parents, and parents that do not accept their responsibilities will probably raise kids that simply rely on the government systems to further their own existence. I lived in Springfield, Mass. for several months where I witnessed generations of welfare dependant families living in government subsidized housing. I made a list of what I wife ought to be familiar with, because I thought those things were important. I have a similar list of things for husbands. Problems occur when fathers, mothers, wives and husbands aren't held accountable for their responsibilities. I don't think keeping a clean house, tending to kids, mending what needs to be mended, cooking dinner and having it ready for the family to sit down for together are wildly outside the realm of the expected. Frankly, I am a little concerned by your apparent thinking that it is unreasonable to expect these things.
I provided Dr Phil a list of things that I thought a stay at home wife ought to be familiar with. I never discussed perfection or any degree of competency with these listed items - they were just general knowledge. There are libraries of books written to contain the stuff women think their male counterparts ought to know about themselves. From your post it sounds like 75 is too much for you to handle on your own and would need back up to get the rest done - what is your number? What do you feel responsible for being aware of in your role in you present relationship? Lists aren't inherently evil or bad - it is one way of putting information down so it can be shared and discussed. I seldom watch Dr. Phil but somehow managed to catch two shows with Grant and Kelly on. I don't know how many shows they have been on to date. I could take sides in this but I won't because I don't believe that will help the situation, instead, I choose to share from my heart and 31 years of marriage. I think everyone has lists of expectations, at least I do and sometimes our expectations are unreasonable. In 1979 my husband had to take over doing my jobs as a stay-at-home parent because I was hospitalized. After two weeks he came to me and told me he appreciated the effort I put into the house and family. He actually created a list of all the jobs I did daily, weekly, and monthly, then he found out what he would have to pay if he hired people to do those jobs. His total anticipated expenditures (based on his own list) was $70,000.00. He figured he would have to earn an extra $70,000.00 dollars to hire people to do the work I was doing at home. I found this interesting especially since he only made about 10,000.00 a year in 1979. It felt wonderful to know that he realized the effort and work I contributed to the family even tho I was not paid for it. My husband and I are very responsible, accountable people. People know they can count on us but even with the level of responsibility and accountability we demonstrate, it is not GOOD ENOUGH for our families. Our families always find something we fail them in BECAUSE WE ARE NOT DOING SOMETHING THEY WANT US TO DO, OR NOT DOING SOMETHING THE WAY THEY WANT IT DONE. Perfect is never good enough because when perfection is achieved, then resentment sets in because the person is perfect. An "A" in school should have been and "A+". An A+ finally earned is discounted as the teacher "gave you that grade". I remember what the non-"A' kids called the "A" kids and they said the names out of jealously, and other emotions. The truth is, there is nothing to expect beyond perfection. If I really wanted to get philosophical, each human being is already a perfect human being because humans are flawed creatures by virtue of free will. Too high of expectations achieved leaves those of us with high expectations with a dissatisfied "not good enough" attitude, critical spirits, poorly defined and vaguely specified definition of our expectations leaving those we expect a lot from loosing heart, giving up, feeling despised, and feeling like love and acceptance are only GRANTED if they perform the right dance with all the right steps but never being shown or told what the steps are. I have high expectations of people and especially of myself. Sometimes I fall short of my own expectations-then I really get mad. I can truthfully say this: not all expectations are right or realistic, or reasonable and I know for myself that my anger at not getting what I think I should get or deserve (whether from myself or someone else) sometimes results from unrealistic expectations on my part. I am not surprised or shocked by Grant and Kelly. I see "them" ( you two) all the time. Grant and Kelly, but especially Grant, I hope you learn that it takes both the husband and the wife making positive contributions to make the marriage pleasurable while It only takes one of you making negative contributions to destroy it.
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Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
