Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

Yesterday when I was watching the attitude of Grant in the show, i was remembering my husband's attitude in the early years of our marriage.  

The similarities between Kelly and I are :we both are stay home mothers and we both are married to the persons who's percepson of life is in black and white.  

I am just talking about the perceptions, My husband never wanted me to keep clean house the way Grant wanted, or learn dancing.  But his thinking pattern used to be like Grant's. What I mean by that is his level of expections were too high about certain matters and he used to grade everybody including himself as failure or success according to his expectation, if the expectation does not meet 100% it was a failure in his mind. May be it met his expectation by  90% still it was not right.  

I call thistype of people as binary people. People who are professionally electrical engineer or computer engineer they tend to behave this way. I used to tell him " everything in your world is either 1 or 0 isn't it? If it is not 1 it has to be 0, right ? It cannot be any thing else. There is no .88 or.45.'" 

Appeal to his heart , try to reason with him,  showing him your pain does not seem to be effective at all. Does it?  yesterday I was watching Dr.Phil to try all this route and not reaching anywhere. Grant had a face with pain on it . He was feeling as if nobody understood him. It reminded me of my husband's face. Believe me He is not faking. He really does not get it! He is trying very hard but nobody is talking to him in his language which he understands.  

I went through the same exact maze. One time out of frustration I decided to give him the very taste of his own medicine. Like magic it worked! Do you know why? Because it is his language! 

His thinking pattern is constructed by corporate world. which goes like this............   Project - life 

1. Grant - chairman of the project 

2. Kelly - Wife (Works under chairman, reports to chairman) 

Her duties 1......2.....etc 

GRADE -  Duty 1- failure . Duty 2 Failure. 

Now  Kelly has to present to him her version of project life, and give him duties as husband and then grade his work as successful or failure. Remember Kelly has to talk in Grant's language.  

Now Most of the time he would not meet the expectations. The standard he has chosen that is impossible for anybody to meet. Kelly has to do this few times until he starts to feel like Kelly. He will eventually, because he is human. Right now he has a soft place to fall which is Kelly and he uses that place as garbage can as well to dump all his disappiontments and frustratations. Take away the soft place temporarily. He will feel lost and hurt. Only that way he will get in touch with his own emotions. When that happens, problem wouldn't be solved though. Only then dialogues or as Dr. Phil says negotiations can be started.   

Believe me this the only way with binary people, I know I delt with this problem till 10th year of our.marriage. Finally when I found out this way our marriage started to work. Now I am married for 17 years. This is not to be cruel. It is talking to him in his language. This made him realize (very slowly) how the other people think who are not electrical engineer or computer scientist. Still sometimes when he starts to behave in his old way, immidiately I start to talk to him in his own language! 

I too, have struggled with just keeping up with things.  I have been blessed to have an understanding husband.  But, I still put pressure on myself.  If I'm not getting everything done, I feel rotten.  We've been married for 5 1/2 years and have one little girl.  I've been in "wife lessons" that whole time and I still have room to improve.  But, if we were perfect, what would be left in life?  What would there be to work for and keep you going?  LIfe is all about becoming better and learning from your past.  I totally understand where Grant is coming from.  I have a wonderful father who is just like him!  I'm not being critical of Grant or Kelly.  No marriage is without trouble.  You have 2 imperfect people from 2 different worlds, no matter how similar your background.   

But, back to the issue of "perfection." Yes, everyone wants it, is anyone ever going to get it?  No.  Do your best and say, dang it, I am proud of myself!  I am a MAJOR perfectionist.  We're talking, if I cleaned a room, it was EVERY INCH (windowsills, baseboards, EVERYTHING)!!!  Plus, I get distracted easily.  I never felt like I was getting anything done.  Since my little girl was born 20 months ago, I've had to totally redesign my way of doing things.  Has it been hard?  ABSOLUTELY!  A couple things that have helped me, at least, are: 

#1-learning to stay focused, if my child needs me, fine, but then get back to the task at hand.  

#2-The 1 minute rule.  If I can do it in less than a minute (putting shoes away, putting toys in toy box, rinsing a dish as soon as I'm done, etc) this has really helped me with staying on top of things, so I don't look at a room and go...whoa! Where do I even start?! 

#3-Deep clean only 1 room in the house a week, this in combination with the 1 minute rule has helped me SOOOO much!  I get things done and since I'm keeping up on things, the house doesn't really get that dirty that it needs deep cleaning as often.  YAY! 

#4-Assign days of the week for different tasks (Monday-laundry, Tuesday-cleaning, Wednesday-grocery, etc.) 

#5-Have ONLY 1 major goal a day and get it done...then feel SOOOO proud of yourself!  Your family is fed, your list is checked off and you are one awesome girl! 

I don't know if this will help anyone else out there, but it really did me.  Good Luck from a wife still in "training." (and husbands, don't just think a compliment....SAY IT!!!  We NEED to hear we are beautiful and wonderful...if it's sincere, you never know what your reward might be!...)  ; )  

     Grant is not wearing his ring because,he is trolling for some one to give him the "warm fuzzies"  his wife's loss of self-esteem can no longer suppy.  The sad part of this is ----he will continue to troll for someone to make him feel important and with his self-esteem being so low, and with his attitude, maybe he really doesn't know why he's not wearing his ring.  With enough criticism he feels he will have a "way out" of the marriage 

. 

  The good ole days no longer exist--this is a new era.  What he saw as a kid has been replaced. 

 (1) Management teaches us that a negative is always to be preceded by two positives.    If  he hasn't learned this by now, he should start.--Sadist 

(2) All creatures need to interact with their own kind.  He is keeping her from this and she can't be  well rounded without it.--Jealousy 

(3) She is feeding his behavior by allowing him to abuse her.--Masochist 

(4)  Remove the children!!!  They are not parents or role models for children.  The children should be first and not see their bad behavior.--Maybe the "Nanny" would be of use.  

  I believe (did I hear right?) all of his 75 rules didn't include anything to do with the children?  He needs to try it for himself and don't forget to include the children.  You don't tune children out because the job of cleaning the toilet is due at the present time. 

 I did not at anytime see him interacting with the family, only overseeing them. 

Tell me what you think. Does it fit or not? 

Some married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3
> kids each for six weeks.
>
> Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance
> classes.
>
> There is no fast food.
>
> Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house
> clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do
> laundry, and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.
>
> In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries
> each week.
>
> Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and
> relatives, and send cards out on time.
>
> Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a
> dentist appointment and a haircut appointment . He must make one
> unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care
> (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they're about to
> leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a
> social function.
>
> Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned
> house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all
> times.
>
> The men will only have access to television when the kids are
> asleep and all chores are done.
>
> There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead
> batteries.
>
> Each father will be required to know all of the words to every
> stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every
> character on cartoons.
>
> The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will
> apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
>
> Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six
> toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat
> a serving of peas.
>
> Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet
> stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The
> men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf
> on their clothing.
>
> During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe
> abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood
> swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
> They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old
> boy finds it in the purse.
>
> They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at
> least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar
> setting.
>
> He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each
> night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them,
> brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They
> must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
>
> A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father
> will be required to know all of the following information: each
> child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and
> doctor's name. Also the child's weight at birth, length, time of
> birth, and length of labor, each child's favorite color, middle
> name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy,
> biggest fear and what they want to be when they
> grow up.
>
> They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then
> spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting
> on them hand and foot until they are better.
>
> They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, "You're not
> theboss of me".
>
> The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
> The last man wins only if...he still has enough energy to be
> intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
>
> If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and
> over again for the next 18-25 years...eventually earning the right
> to be called Mother!
>
>  

>

 

Dear Kelly I have been reading a lot of postings and this is the first one i have seen from you. I wish the best for you and Grant. I left my husband of 16 years because of his controlling behavior. (we are now happily re-married to each other) However when I left 3 of the kids stayed with him and 3 stayed with me.That is when he found out how hard it was to do all the work at home.We were separated for 2 years and then divorced but got back together after a year and re married. Now our household responsibilities are as follows:  

I make sure that the kids get off to school with their backpacks and no holes in their jeans. 

I make sure the laundry is done(all though there has been times he put them away).I try to have good hot meals ready for him when he comes in from work. Doesn't always happen, but he doesn't complain.We kiss at the door and tell each other "I love you"  

He makes sure that if there is something not working right he fixes it or gets it fixed. 

Yard work is done by him and the boys. but I do help outside too. My husband has found that if we do the chores together after things quiet down in the evening we get to talk to each other about how our day has gone. Let Grant know that his world will not fall apart if your cabinets aren't coordinated.  Please Kelly stand up for yourself and if Grant truly loves you he will listen. 

The problem my husband and I had the first time around was the poor communication between us. After I stood up to him and spoke my mind we are doing great. 

Our children are almost all grown now. We have three still at home. Plus our oldest son is living here too with his infant daughter whom he has full custody of. So tell your husband that even though our house isn't spotless we do have great children who were more effected by our break up than with the cleanliness of our house. And have not been in trouble with the law or on drugs and stuff like he indicated in one of his posts. 

Grant needs a wake up call!  Make him run the house for three days without any help from his wife.  His first priority is to make sure the children are taken care of and then he can do the house work.  When his wife gets home from his job, Grant can have dinner ready and she can tell him how he did.  I would hope she would be as hard on him as he is on her.  I can't believe Dr. Phil didn't tell him that he is not living up to his part as a husband.  How would he feel if his wife didn't wear her ring?  I just want to screem at Grant and Dr. Phil! 

Rebecca 

Kelly and Grant- All I know of you is what I saw on the show "More Wifestyles". I will not pretend to know what is best for you and your situation given that tiny amount of exposure. I am not judge and jury. That is Gods place.  

I would like to tell you a little about myself. If it is of no importance to you than please leave it. Otherwise, I am hopeful that it may be just a little bit helpful. 

My husband and I have been married almost six years. We have two lovely children. My daughter, Kelly, is two, and my son, Michael, is 7 months old. We have been forced to move around our entire married life due to the demands of my husbands job. He is in the US Airforce. I am a stay-at-home mom.  

In our marriage we have learned to compromise a lot. I mean a whole heck of a lot. My husband has never been anything even resembeling a neat, orderly person, and I am more like you, Grant, I used to be insane about where things should be, how they should be, and, yes, I even had a why for all of it. The differences made me so mad. I would clean and clean just to have it sabotaged the second my husband walked through the door. It took us, or should I say me, four years and two children to realize that my expectations were just making me and my family miserable.  

My husband wants to come home and relax. He doesn't want to watch me clean, and he doesn't want to be yelled at for forgetting to take off his shoes at the door (ok, that is still a little bit of a sore point for me, but I am only human).  What he does want is my company, my love, and for me to take care of our children. Those are his expectations, his ONLY expectations. Everything else I do is for myself.  

My children want my time, love, and attention. Honestly, they have a right to that, and they need that a whole lot more than a sparkeling house, and a mom who doesn't know how to relax. How much good, quality time would I be giving them if I was cleaning and cleaning all the time anyway?  

So here is what I compromised to: 

When my husband is home the only cleaning I do is what is necessary for the care of my children, and dinner cleanup. 

When my children are awake they are my priority. I play with them. I teach them. I read to them. I love them. They are my legacy. It is my job to equip them with the skills necessary to succeed later in life. It is my job to teach them manners. It is my job to teach them about God. Remember, children will grow up. NO matter what you decided to focus your time and energy on they will grow up? What kind of people do you want to unleash on society? What kind of husbands and wives do you want them to be? What kind of parents? Are they more or less important than the perfect house? Honestly, having children was my wake up call. 

All other times of the day I can clean all I want. How much time for cleaning, and making the house perfect do you think I have? 

Now my opinion on the two of you: 

Grant it is alright to have certain standards and expectations for yourself, your family, and your wife. However, Kelly should not have to choose between spending time with her babies and raising them to be the best they can be and having to deal with your wrath because she chose them over folding that last load of laundry before you got home. Also, no matter how bad it got. I never considered taking my wedding ring off. If you have any love and respect for your wife and/or at the very least the sanctity of marriage please show the world and most importantly, your wife that by putting your wedding ring back on.  

Kelly it is right and good to raise your children first, and do what you can for your house second. But remember when your children do grow up; You and your husband is what is left. Figure out the compromise that works for you. So you have something to look forward to when it is just the two of you. 

He does seem like he wants to try, and overall he seems like a loving man. And you Kelly do seem to love your husband. That is a good place to start. Please don't give up on each other.