Grant,
I've never written to ANY show before, but this one touched me so much that I had to write in, and I hope you read this and get something out of what I have to say because is it said not as attacking you, rather as sincere as possible. First I'll say that I do think that you are a good guy. If you weren't you wouldn't be on the show airing your thoughts and feelings on national television, and your sincerity came across for all to see. But I think you're STILL missing the whole point....and I'd like to maybe explain in other words that may touch you, or make something click in your mind.
Your wife wants to be accepted for who she is. She's not perfect, and she's never going to be (in your eyes). Both of your opinions of what should be done, or how it should be done are not necessarily going to be the same. She is going to have her own ideas of what is the right way to do something, or what things take priority over others. Who is to say that your way is the right way? Maybe the way she likes to do something is better than the way you like to do it (is my point). Maybe her way isn't the best sometimes, but that's the way she wants it, and who are you to say she needs to do it YOUR way? Please don't take this as an attack, rather just a question you should ask yourself next time she's loading the dishwasher "wrong". Next ask yourself, is it really worth getting stirred up about? Some things just aren't worth getting worked-up over. That's the part where you need to examine yourself, and ask yourself why you do get so worked up over something that should really be considered a "non-issue". You might think that it is a big issue, but you're only coming from "the world as Grant sees it", which means you are the center of your own universe. Your opinion is not the final say. Someone might want to ask you who died and made you king? One thing that came across, which I think you're working on making better is you seem to have lost your "sensitivity chip".
Also you need to realize you're never going to find the perfect woman. Every person is going to come along with certain traits, some good and some bad. You are no exception. You need to evaluate the situation and figure out whether the good out-weighs the bad. I'm sure she's good at some things, otherwise you wouldn't have married her. Dr. Phil said at the end of the show, that every day you have to make a choice to see the good in your life...and the good in the people you're surrounded by, your family, your home, your work, everything. You won't be completely happy till you can figure out a way to count your blessings.
IMPORTANT !!!! I'll give you your first one...You need to get on your knees and thank your lucky stars that your wife still loves you. After publicly humiliating her on national television, telling everyone that you think she's not "good enough". It doesn't matter if you were specifically speaking of her housekeeping skills, or her cooking, or whatever, bottom line is she's not "good enough". That's what she hears when you tell her she's not doing something right. When you said you didn't know what the "it" was that you weren't getting....that's "it". She's feeling like she's not "good enough". Every time you criticize something she's doing, you might as well be saying "whaa, whaa, whaa...you're not good enough...whaa, whaa, whaa...."Please tell me that you get it now. Further, and this is the most important of all.... you owe her an apology for disrespecting her, and your marriage, by not wearing your wedding ring. Your wedding ring in a symbol of the COMMITMENT to your marriage. Not a symbol of "I'm mad at the way my wife is doing the housework now-a-days". By you not wearing your ring, you are saying that you are not committed to your marriage. (Now I know that some men don't wear their rings, and some wives don't care-HA- But that's not the case in your marriage with your wife). Not wearing your ring is one of the most hurtful things a man can do to his wife. You have NO idea. If my husband took his ring off, I'd say all bets were off... the marriage, the respect, the trust, the love, everything. Please put your ring back on.
Kelly....you are a beautiful woman, inside and out. I don't pretend to know you, or think you're perfect, but if you need some validation, here it is. I hear you, and yes, you are correct, your husband's views are slightly altered from reality. I'm sure he's a good husband and father in many ways. I know you don't want the public's validation, you want your husband's...but I hope that you don't lose confidence in yourself. There are a million men out there that would die to have a loving, supportive, beautiful wife and mother of their children (and wouldn't give a rat's xss how you loaded the dishwasher, but would be happy you attempted to even do the dishes). I have a feeling you already know how to count your many blessings, or else you wouldn't still be in your marriage. Your husband is treating you like you work for him. He just needs to be reminded that you are on equal playing ground. You are his spouse (and in business terms) his partner. 50/50. If he thinks you're not holding up your end of the bargain, then maybe you need to do a "job" swap. He doesn't seem to appreciate what you do. Don't worry about the fact that he thinks some household chores are more important than teaching your kids something. You KNOW what's important. Don't doubt yourself !!! Don't let the house become a pig stye either...you know in your heart what the balance should be...you said so when you said that you are comfortable with your choices, and stick to it. ALSO, you don't appear to be a person who likes confrontation, but if you let your husband disrespect you by not wearing his wedding ring, then you really need more help than going on the Dr. Phil show a few times. It shows that you lack self-esteem and self worth. You're way too intellegent to let yourself go there. Every woman has that inner voice that whispers to her...listen to it. I know you love your husband, and I hope the love you two share keeps you both strong enough to put your differences aside and you both figure out a way to make it work. Best wishes. (sorry for such a long e-mail) :-) - CM in Atlanta.
Dr. Phil revisits the topic of what makes a good wife. Grant and Kelly first appeared on the show because Grant expected his wife to live up to his demanding standards. He wanted a cleaner house, better meals and a sexier spouse. After seven years, his constant criticism and disappointment had her ready to throw in the towel on trying to become the "perfect wife." Dr. Phil’s first talk with Grant and Kelly caused quite a stir as thousands of viewers wrote in choosing sides. How are Grant and Kelly now? Has Grant abandoned his critical ways and his expectation of having a Stepford wife? And why is he no longer wearing his wedding ring? Talk about the show here.
