Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

if my husband didn't wear his wedding band for the reasons grant is giving, I would certainly tell him where he could put it!!!

  

Grant needs to lighten up and realize that Kelly is taking care of three year old triplets! That in itself is a full time job. On top of this he expects an immaculate house, gourmet meals, and all of his personal needs met. He needs to open his eyes and see what he has, not set expectations that would be impossible to meet even if there were no children to take care of. If ever some one needed to get real--Grant does. In the past Dr Phil tried putting Grant in Kellys' shoes and he didn't like it one bit. That should have been an eye opener for him, but apparently not. He needs to start looking at his situation as a partnership and realize that he owns just as much as Kelly does. He should be helping with the kids, the cleaning, the cooking, the errand running, etc. He needs to look in the mirror and ask himself which is going to make him happy----chipping in and being the partner he vowed to be, or continue on like he has been and face the rest of his life as a miserable divorcee, paying child support, and being a part time father. Kelly is only going to last so long if the situation doesn't get better. One can only take being disapproved off so long and then you pick up your kids and move on. The negativity that Kelly is tolerating, and these children are witnessing, is bound to take an emotional toll. Grant should move out and get his own place. Then he can take care of it and everything else he thinks Kelly should do---to his specifications--and see how he checks out. Kelly deserves so much better treatment than she is getting. Grant doesn't seem to realize what he has in Kelly and unfortunately he probably won't see it until she's gone. 

There is a saying that I live by when it comes to my marriage----"There's a lot of give and take---it all comes with the wedding cake". I hope Grant will stop and think about what he is doing to his marriage and the three precious children he and Kelly brought into this world. 

  

Sue 

I understand where Grant is coming from, but like the others and Dr. Phil have said, Grant, you are missing out on the most important thing.  Needing to control everything and everyone around you is only going to make things worse. 

  

It doesn't matter if the house is perfect or the food is on the table just how you like it.  You aren't the only person living in that house.  If you want your food cooked a certain way, then cook it yourself. 

  

If you want the house to be organized, then organize it yourself. 

  

I hope you get what I mean here.  Your wife is not your slave.  If  you really don't like the way she takes care of the house, then (without complaint), help her out more. 

  

Marriage is a partnership.  I hope you can understand that.  And right now, your partner, Kelli, feels like she is beneath you.  That she isn't good enough for you.  And her punishment for her "failures" is you refusing to wear your wedding ring. 

  

She hasn't punished you for all your wrong doings by not wearing her ring.  She kept it on, even though she felt put down from your negative comments.  I think you should take a long look at your wife.  She gets up every single day, takes care of your kids, cleans your house, and cooks your meals.  And all she wants in return is to feel loved and accepted. 

  

And all you do is complain.  That, my friend, makes you a failure.  In so many ways, you are failing as a husband. 

  

And she is working so hard to 'do her best'.  And she does.  Everyday she does her absolute best at making the house better, taking care of the kids and making you happy. 

  

How do you expect her to feel good about herself when you are always complaining? 

  

I don't mean these comments as an attack, but more as a hope that you will see where your own faults are just as much as you see your wife's.  If counseling helps with that, I hope that you can work with a professional that can help you take off your microscopic lens and take a step back to see the world in all it's beauty. 

  

You are a lucky man.  You have a wonderful wife who is working hard every single day to make you happy.  Please find a way to appreciate her, in every way. 

  

She needs that more than you realize.  She needs you to be a better person, not just for her, but for your kids, and mostly so you can start enjoying the people and things around you that are more wonderful than you realize. 

A while back my next door neighbor was, well, I called her Mrs. Clean. The type who cleaned the ashtray three times while you were there and you didn't even smoke. I was the type who let the kids play on the kitchen floor with Lincoln Logs while I cooked supper and MAYBE I would pick them up before bed. But I was sort of jealous of her and at times worked my tail off so my house would look half as good as hers. 

  

One time I was talking to her teenage son and he made a comment that the Mom of a friend of his didn't love his friend. I couldn't help but ask "What do you mean?" His answer was "She leaves dirty dishes in the sink."  That was a light bulb moment for me! I wouldn't show my kids that a spotless home is the most important thing in the world. 

  

This neighbor son went on to have a family of his own but it didn't last. When I voiced how sad I was for him he said the reason for the divorce was that she wasn't a good housekeeper. He broke up a family because of a little dust. She got the daughter and he kept the son, and I have always thought so he could mold him into another "perfection czar." 

  

In my own life I have been married to a man for 38 years whom I will never be able to please. I finally got him to stop nagging me about my weight when I said "The day I fit back into my wedding dress I will go out and rent you a tux in the size you wore and let's see if you fit into it." He wore a 29 inch waist. Now he is a 38. They never see their own faults, but they can make lists for you. He also has cheated on me but I was afraid to be out there on my own. Through Dr. Phil shows I have discovered the courage to say with all sincerity , that if he ever does it again, we are through. I have stopped living my life to please him because I will never be able to do that. I am happier and have more pride. And I know if he cheats again I can handle it.  

  

My experience is so much like the wife's. Please learn from me. Don't waste all those years living in his forbidding shadow. Be happy with who you are. And teach the children that love is the best thing in the world. 

Grant, 

  

Good morning.  I have read both excerpts of your tapings on Dr. Phil online.  Both times I have been really upset at your expectations and demands of Kelly.  Let me first start by explaining that my father is also an electrical engineer- a PHD- so for me that is no excuse or reason for your behavior.  My husband and I (who have been married almost 13 years with 2 kids) have discussed your shows and he had some not-so-nice things to say so I decided to write instead of him. My father has NEVER even begun to treat my mom (his wife of over 40 years) or my brother and I like you treat your family.  I have never seen a list like that  in my life!  My hubby actually made the comment he' s embarrased to be a man because of men like you.  I think you want order and structure.  I get that, Kelly gets that, we all get that.   My oldest son is ADHD so I know how critical organization can be.   However, you're way of doing things may not be reasonable for Kelly with 3 little ones at home.  I can't believe that suddenly  after 7 years Kelly has no housecleaning capabilities that please you.  Maybe, just maybe, the 3 kids can be a little demanding and she needs help getting there or getting things to a point she can maintain them easily.  I might suggest that you pick a day, like Sat., and pick a project.  For example,  pick the hall closet.  If you two do it together, it may only take a couple of hours.  She should have the most input (not all) since she will be home to maintain it.  Then, maybe you could take the kids out to the park so she can really clean and pick up.  Our rule in my house is "If it's not done by noon, it doesn't get done that week".  Saturday is our only day together (we both work) and we like to do things.  Maybe it's grocery shopping, or maybe the mall but we do fun stuff the rest of the day.  I understand that you like things to be run efficiently (I am the same way) however, with 3 kids at home your life is bound to be crazy.   

Also, just think of your kids for a minute.  Do you want someone treating any of your kids that way you treat Kelly?  And growing up thinking you're never good enough?  They will never reach their potential with your constant show of criticism.  You may not yell or scream but you show disapproval a lot of different ways and they can all be very damaging for a very long time.   

Lastly, what is with the maintenance of the applicances?  In my book, that has always been a man's domain.  If you're an engineer why can't you fix the washer?  Just curious because that really sent my hubby over the edge.  He does all "manly" things in the house and then some.  He does dishes, has changed diapers, made bottles, fixes the cars and the house.  Like I said, we both work full time so our theory is whoever is BEST at whatever needs to be done should do it.  For example, I'm good with money so I do all that.  He's good at fixing stuff (he can fix anything) so he takes that task.  Again, it's not about man or woman it's about getting it done and keeping your family intact at the same time!  Good luck to you and yours. 

  

Kira 

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net 

Grant is the one with the problem.  If he doesn't like how things are done, he needs to do them himself.  How would he like her to come to his job and tell him he isn't doing it right.  I think Grant has some sort of problem in his past that has nothing to do with his wife.  How can he be so clueless, but so educated???? 

  

Dr. Phil, my brother-in-law has a borderline personality disorder.  He is making my sisters life hell, blaming her for the awful feelings he has inside from his horrific childhood.  Can you do a show on this problem????  She is almost to the end of her rope and their three children are suffering. 

  

Are the only real changes you've made so far that a) you don't say what you think as often and b) you're lightening up on Kelly by staying away from her through your hobbies in the hope that she'll do better if you aren't harping at her?    

  

If this is correct, aren't these changes better than the way things before. From a "What is the net result, bottom line" perspective, isn't this an improvement? 

Kelly, You're just great the way you are, and it's too bad Grant has issues within himself that makes him feel that he has to pull you down to make him feel like a man. It's unfortunate that he doesn't "get it" because you and your children will have emotional consequences to his unemotional and serious way of living his life. Too bad he isn't able to just kick up his heels and enjoy laughing. Your kids deserve the balance of love from their Mom - playing games and hanging out - and a clean (but not museum spotless) homey house! You're doing a great job Kelly - please don't lose your SPIRIT! PS - I've heard of a "laughing" therapy class they do in India - maybe Dr Phil could put together a class and have Grant attend :)

It's a great experience.  I've been to three tapings.   Be prepared for some wait time.  You'll be in  line for awhile, signing in (check your cell phone at the door), then you sit on a long bench outside Stage 29.  From there, you are ushered into a large waiting room (which is kept VERY cold -- I guess they have to keep it that way because of all the hot studio lights).  Dress warmly.  There is Starbucks coffee available in the "cold" room.  They announce a last call bathroom run before having the audience go into the actual soundstage because once you're in there you can't leave.  There are some "warm-up" guys to get the audience all excited, they give out some books and coffee mugs to audience members who are the most enthusiastic.   The taping is about 90 minutes.  It's very much a fun experience.  

  

But . . . one thing . . . the parking is tricky.  It's pretty much residential side-streets.   I always park off Waring and N. Gower.  Parking is restricted on most of those side-streets between 8:00 and 10:00 a.m.  (They ask you to be in line by 7:30 a.m. if you go to the morning taping.)   

  

I always get a parking ticket ($30).  There is a parking structure directly across from Paramount on N. Gower, but there is a big sign that says "No Dr. Phil Parking".  So if you can,  get the afternoon taping instead of the morning taping and your car will be safer.  I believe there is a parking building somewhere nearby where they have a shuttle service but I haven't found it.   Anybody else have insight into this?  Is this more information than you wanted? 

  

Shane, did I describe it pretty accurately?  (Shane is on the Dr. Phil audience booking team.) 

Dear Grant, 

  

You are very bright, articulate and very honest.  You also have very set ideas about things and do not know how to phase things, so that people do not get upset.  You view things from a very detached framework.  I believe you may have Asperger's syndrome.  It is within the range of autism disorders.  They are the highest functioning appear completely normal, but lack empathy.  They cannot feel another's pain.  They can recognize it, but not feel it as their own.  As a result they can say and do things that others find outrageous.  They are not sure why others would find it so.  They are just being honest.  If you have this syndrome there are books, websites and many other resources that will help you understand this and teach you the rules of the social world.  You can understand physical mechanics not just social mechanics.  My hope and prayers are with you.  People with Aspergers are very honest decent people who can wrack tremendous emotional havoc without meaning too.