Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

The husband had no relationship to his kids.  He kept saying that his wife didn't give him enough attention.  It was all about him.  When they showed the segment where he was supposed to try doing "her" job, he was totally not engaged emotionally with his kids.  All he cares about is whether his house is perfect, in good order, perfectly organized, that his wife please HIM. 

  

When his wife talked about wanting to spend quality time with their kids, read them books, rather than be scrubbing the bathroom floor, Dr. Phil just glossed right over that comment.  When she said her kid was riding down the street naked on a bicycle while she scrubbed the floor, flags should have gone off. 

  

The most important thing when you have kids is the KIDS.  Not babying the husband and dressing up like a French made and washing his car. 

  

The husband showed no interest in or care for his kids at all.  He seemed like a totally selfish kid himself. 

  

The amount of time needed to make the house as perfect as that husband wanted would TOTALLY rob his kids of good parenting.  He didn't care that they have a good mother.  He just wanted his wife to be HIS mother. 

  

The fact that she would stay with such an infantile man, means, she has a lot of self growth and self esteem she needs to work on.  I really feel sorry for the kids though. 

After skipping from page 12 to page 288 on the same subject, I realised that Grant has got one hell of an uphill battle on his hands! I'm in Australia and I have only just seen the first show!! How can this intelligent, articulate and knowlegeable man possibly hope to rise to the expectations of his wife! All he has to do is forget how to always be right, go with the flow and loosen the reigns on his life. I think he is scared witless, scared that if for one instant he lets go of the control he assumes he has, that he's going to become just another "bloke" with a wife who dresses like most wives, a house that looks like kids live and love being in and a meal that doesn't make it on to the cover of a cookbook. I so agree with all the posts I read, it would be an intolerable situation for anyone to live in, for both of them. He makes Kelly feel a failure, Kelly makes him feel unvalidated. He has great ideas (although the skintight, frenchmaid ala Daisy Duke ideas are a definate FANTASY, reality plays no part in that at all!!) about how a house SHOULD be run, how things work and an order that they work in....However, once you have children and especially babies like Grant and Kelly have, then you cannot work around a ridgid timetable, the floor you just swept and mopped so lovingly will have vomit on it or juice or something thrown on it the minute you put the mop away. You have to constantly clean, wipe up spit, poop, pee, food, drink off every flat or vertical surface, you steal the precious moments you have if one or (bless them) ALL go down for a nap, to put a load of washing on or get out of your pjs!! I know Grant reads all the posts, because he has to, control is a powerful thing and addictive and these message boards would be very hard to ignore as he must prove he's right and although he says "I'll take that into consideration", that is a very polite way of blowing you off. Its like what Dr Phil says about the word "but", it simply means ignore everything I just said, I'm now going to tell you how I really feel. 

I feel extraordinarily sorry for Grant, he can't "get it" because he doesn't know what 'it' is. It won't sink in that  wives and children have an ebb and flow he can't possibly control, they are thinking feeling human beings that don't operate on schedule, that have faults, unlike his work that has to be precise and perfect otherwise it won't work. I can't imagine relaxing would be very easy for him, but expecting his wife to great him at the door in something flimsy and have a gourmet meal on the table, kids fed and in bed and the house spotless (as the 50's role models showed, oh and some of the 50's wives were closet drunks/pill poppers~Valium the pill dejour, and remember their kids became the 60's "free love" generation) is not an outrageous expectation, but for Kelly, it is unatainable. Some women can do that and probably do, but Kelly doesn't want to and that is what he has to listen to. Has Grant ever asked Kelly what she wants? Not the list of things she knows he wants her to want, but what she truly wants. I would have had Grant make a list of what he wants and expects and ticked those that were possible, crossed things that were impossible and put question marks beside all the ones that required changing her physical or cosmetic apperance. Did the children focus on his list? I'm in total agreeance that Grant focuses on himself too much, his needs, his wants, his desires and if Kelly just shapes up things will he hunkey dorey!! The children need to see their mother being pampered, being hugged and kissed when Dad comes home, they need to hear Dad tell Mum 'I love you', and 'can I help you with anything?'. If one of Grants complaints is that they don't go out often enough, then why doesn't he take the initiative and ring a babysitter (the frumpy mother-in-law maybe..lol), make the reservations buy Kelly her favourite perfume, tell her to take a long soak while he drops the kids off and spoil her rotten for the night and talk about how HER day was. 

If you read this Grant, let go of the reigns, you're pulling to tight and she is either going to become a shell of the woman you married or she is going to pack your bags. You choose, otherwise Kelly will make the decision for you. 

PS. I agree with dmmtfam, Grant makes my husband look even better than I thought he was already, he's almost a saint!! 

PPS. As for the wedding ring, it was placed on his finger with the vows to "love and cherish till death do you part", I don't recall in my vows the words "once you become the perfect wife/husband". Grant is insulting her and their marriage with his stubborness to not wear it till she 'proves herself'. Kelly should remove hers until he gets the fact that a marriage is about compromise and teamwork. Grant....You know there is no I in TEAM. 

      GRANT---With a job like yours, I am sure you are entitled to AT LEAST one week of vacation, if not more. Here is my SUGGESTION--Take your entire vacation and YOU complete everything on YOUR list plus care for the children at the same time, and see just what it is your are asking of Kelly, and how low YOUR self esteem can become when she critisizes YOUR work or gives YOU a bad grade on a dinner that you worked very hard to prepare.   

       KELLY--- While Grant is on vacation tyring to do what he expects from you on a daily basis, YOU go and look for a part time, or temporary job, so that you too know what it feels like to walk in Grant's shoes. But do not forget to grade him on his performances.  

     Grant AND Kelly---You both need to learn that you are not the only two people in this relationship. Your children learn from the experiences that they encounter. If they see you all arguing on a daily basis, they are going to think this is the right thing to do when they get older. Every parent wants what is best for their children, whether they admit to it or not. I Believe that neither of you want your children to grow up miserable, or with NO POSITIVE SELF ESTEEM!!!!  Especially as the children get older. In the pre teen and teen years children with little or no positive self esteem are twice as likely to try to commit suicide.  If you can not pull your acts together for yourself DO IT FOR THEM BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.........   

  

I fully AGREE that if these two can not work this out for themselves, then they need to do it for the children.

Saw the show on Grant and Kelly.  It actually made me feel a lot better about my man! 

  

Firstly, I honestly feel that the binding contract entered into upon marriage has been a little forgotten.  If a man loves, honours and cherishes his wife and the wife honours and respects her husband (and this is the basic intent of the parties being married), there would be considerably less emotional pain.  Other than this basic recipe, its up to the parties to customise their relationship.  It seems like Grant has forgotten his role as  leader and also his contractual role in the marriage and Kelly has started a passive agressive stance.  Not a good path to choose. 

  

SOUL BARE HONEST COMMUNICATION on all levels sure needs to be started.  Grant needs a dose of reality and Kelly needs to give herself the right to put her foot down.  Their ideas of rights and responsibilities need to be redefined.  Grant is taking all the rights and Kelly is abdicating her rights.   Your rights is NOT an option whether you use them.  You have a RESPONSIBILITY to own your rights, not only for yourself, but your partner and your children. 

  

Hope they both can look back in 30 years and laugh at this experience and are happy and contenteded together. 

So Grant, what are you provoked thoughts on the last post?  Can we see a copy of your list yet?  I think my husband would appreciate it seeing as he's also an engineer.  Maybe we can implement some or all of your suggestions.  By the way, I am often referred to as the Bob Villa of our family.  It isn't unusual to see me with my tool belt, tightening screws and hinges and spraying DW40 on squeeky doors, or felt-tacking the bottom of chair legs and putting those little rubber pads on cupboard doors to prevent the slam. I also maintain most of the equipment in our home, clean everyday and still have time for the little french maid outfit for my husband.  Oh, and I work full days 5 days a week! But please post your list.  I'm always trying to improve myself.

I have to know how you do it! 

 

 I also maintain most of the equipment in our home, clean everyday and still have time for the little french maid outfit for my husband.  Oh, and I work full days 5 days a week! 

 

I think more interesting and helpful than any list I could put together, would be a description of how you balance everything. I know there are super people out there who juggle everything. I'd like to know how you do it. 

Hello there.  It's been a while since I've posted but life for me is very busy.  Anyhow, I have been "browsing"  and had to comment.  First, I think one of the reasons you may be getting "slack"on your position is because 8 months (give or take) doesn't really constitute a successful marriage or one that "has made it" for most people.  And, the fact "it" got so bad that your husband filed not once but twice doesn't really sit well either- maybe because if that's what it took for you to "get it together" and do what you promised then that really isn't something I'd consider bragging about.  Yes, it's great you are able to get beyond it but again, you are doing what you can to "save" your marriage and IMO this can cloud your perceptions.  Next, accountability works in the workplace but not in a marriage.  The workplace you are PAID to do a certain job and you agree to that when you accept employment. My marriage is not a job it is a privilege.  There is a difference. In my vows, there was nothing about pantry organization but there was love, honor and cherish.  For all of us, that means something different.  The fact that Grant brought her on the show and basically showed all her bad points to America says something about his character.  Why wouldn't he try lifting her up and making her look good?  Last, I think your intentions are good for the most part but your word choice seems really harsh at times.  My husband as great as he is can be VERY forgetful- not remembering a lot of what he "promised".  I have to remind him quite a bit and I'm not always patient about it.  HOWEVER, I realize he is a great guy and at the end of the day I'm lucky to have him.  He wants me to be happy and does his best to make sure that happens.  All in all, I think the issue for Grant and Kelly is not that she ISN'T keeping the house and minding the kids or that she's not trying- she's not doing it to Grant's expectations.  There is a difference between a leader and  tyrant.   

  

Kira 

schmittz4@sbcglobal.net 

Actually, it wasn't always that way.  See, when our children were young (2 bio kids and 4 step kids) we had to look at our needs and wants in relation to our family situation.  In other words REALITY CHECK!!   

  

When children are very young (up to age 4) they require a lot of supervision and hand-on help.  That's to be expected.  So, you have to relax your standards somewhat.  My yardstick was always based on:  Are the children safe and happy? If the house is a veritable pig sty, doors falling off hinges, cat litter overflowing, backed-up toilets, filthy floor, then no, the children are not safe.  

  

If I was so preoccupied with washing windows and cleaning the gutters and redecorating a room (usually with 3 thousand interuptions and numerous scares because the little ones thought they would "help") I would become so frustrated at not being able to do the things I wanted as opposed to the things I should and must be looking after - THE KIDS. So, I decided to relax my standards and expectations of myself.  Which address the second half of the yardstick:  Are the children Happy? 

  

My lightbulb moment came when my young son trampled the flowerbed to get a ball back.  I just yelled at him because I had spent a great deal of time and effort in getting it done.  When I saw the hurt in his little face, I decided that nothing was worth that.  Sure, I like a pretty yard and am proud of my home, but it cannot be at the family's expense.  

  

There is another aspect to this that you should also consider.  My husband and I act as partners in most things family / home / "Us" related.  We both work full time.  He brings me coffee in the morning and helps me up (bad back).  He leaves for work after moving the laundry through.  I get breakfast for the kids and make lunches.  I usually have dinners prepared ahead of time (my Sunday afternoon project) so that minimal prep is required come dinner time.   

  

I'll break it down for you:  Hubby does all the laundry: washes, folds, hang (the boys bring the baskets upstairs and I sort and put away with the boys.  I mostly do the cooking - except on weekends when he kicks in for a lunch or brunch.  The boys empty the dishwasher, pump drinking water and prep the coffee maker for the morning.  They are responsible for their space and possessions  and even though they are now 11 and 13, they do require reminders.  We have a girl who comes over in the morning to sweep the kitchen and go through the house with a sponge (spot cleaning the bathrooms and such) and to move the laundry through if needed.  She also comes in the afternoon to supervise homework. 

  

Our home is tidy and well maintained. We all pitch in so that at the end of the day, you aren’t left with one person feeling wrung-out physically, unappreciated and bitter. And we all spend at least one hour together at the end of the day.  

  

Anyway, this only addresses a few issues.  Hope it helps.  Remember - Relax your standards to accomodate your exisitng family situation!   

Grant just curious are you wearing your wedding ring again?