Topic : 02/21 More Wifestyles

I have enjoyed reading a lot of these posts by just about everyone on the board. 

Sometimes having a good attitude about it is easier if I pretend to be an outside observer, like you, and take a short sighted one sided view of the situation. 

People are still talking about grading the meals that Kelly cooks, or doesn't cook. I have the idea that the mental image in your mind is of me and the kids holding up score cards as Kelly puts the dinner on the table. Just before the announcer lets the viewing audience know the final grade of the meal, we calculate the average of our scores (summing up the individual scores and then dividing by the number of judges submitting a score). I have the idea that it is like the ice skating competition judging for a lot of you. 

That's funny - I kind of gave up on the idea of Toolbelt Hottie ever appearing. You brightened my Friday afternoon.  

I can go back and find out just what it was you wanted a list of, but it would help me get it to you quicker if you restated it. Chances are very good that I have already made a list that will meet your requirements, but just to be sure.   

Good job. 

Even if that isn't really you - I still get a kick out of you going through all the trouble. I'll get back to you soon. 

I think we should avoid being on Grant's "side" or Kelly's "side" and choose to be on the "side" of promoting happy, healthy marriages (especially where children are involved). If five years from now Grant is on television as the male Martha Stewart and Kelly is running national seminars for spouses of anal engineers, but they are having a rockin' good time and enjoying the heck out of life and each other.... 

It might take at least five years to make the changes to get there, but I think we would have come a long ways from where we are now to get there, but it isn't impossible. 

I don't think anyone is attacking you, so don't attack me so spitefully. 

I don't think anyone is going to treat you any better if you act so bitterly towards me. 

It may be that I haven't closely read many of your posts here, but these recent comments from you are leaning towards being just plain mean. 

I can see how people post their feelings here to vent or blow off a little steam. I thought we had a friendly exchange about my list, otherwise I would have continued to ignore you completely. No one is running for a political office from this message board, so there really isn't any reason or excuse for the excessive name calling. I hate to call you on this here, but you have not provided me with any other way of getting to talk with you. Would you mind emailing me - I'd like to talk. 

My last reply wiped out, so I'm going to try again. Forgive me if I post twice. 

I am rather reluctant to get very specific about Grant and Kelly, because in is recent posts, Grant seems to have calmed down and is perhaps doing some thoughtful reflection. Some posters seem to be trying to push him into defensive mode for their own enjoyment, and that is not my intent. 

So.....this is more for your clarity, and our friendly debate, than to provoke Grant. 

Go look at the boards for I'm a Slave to my Spouse and see if you still believe there is an age/gender bias. 

In my opinion, at least at the time the shows were aired, that Grant wanted Kelly more organized for her sake, but still to his standards. That will never work. If she wants to become better organized, and he doesn't want to interfere with the process, why doesn't he enlist the aid of an expert, and then stay out of it? 

I think Kelly got a lot of sympathy for several reasons..... 

1) She genuinely seems to love Grant and want to make her marriage work. By Grant's own admission, Kelly has been focusing on his concerns, just not "enough". 

2) Grant's complaints were so across the board, from cooking, cleaning, organization, sex appeal.....that it seems implausible that Kelly ever could meet his approval 

3)Not once has Kelly tried to turn the tables on Grant and complain that he doesn't help enough. She only expresses frustration with not feeling good enough for his demands. 

4)Grant's focus was very much on himself and his needs, and he seems to blow pass what it takes to care for three toddlers all day, every day. 

The "meaning" behind the words is quite debatable, hence close to 3000 posts!! 

You and I are never going to agree on all of this. I'm just glad we've been able to keep it civil  :) 

Be careful not to get defensive yourself. I've read what you've written to other posters, and I'm picking up a sense of you wanting to draw "sides" rather than engage in healthy debate and find middle ground. I agree some posters are becoming a bit mean-spirited.  

I got quite a laugh out of your analogy. I could just see it now the potatoes get a 7.5 from the German judge. Good thing you have a sense of humor. 

But the fact is that it is a sticking point about the grading of meals. That really makes it sound like Kelly is in school. Also not wearing your ring that is something else that is a sticking point. Your ring is a part of who you now are. Unless your job is such that wearing a ring makes it dangerous you should always wear your ring. It should never be a negotiation point. Marriage can be a blessing if you approach it the right way. You have to treat the other person with respect and like they matter. If you treat your spouse like they are your child then eventually you are going to have a rebellion on your hands. But if you talk to your spouse like they are an adult and their input matters you will have a great marriage. Also that sense of humor really helps out a lot. 

So if my approach has been a little harsh I appologise. I just really hope you understand that being a husband to your lovely wife will in the end be the way you make a happy home for yourself her and your children. I would hate to see one more added to the statistics of divorce.  

How are things going? Do you and Kelly both feel like you are making progress and getting to a happier place? Or are you still "white-knuckling" it? 

FYI....Kiefer will be on Jimmy Kimmell tonight  I have to DVR, but I'm interested to see what he might reveal. 

I thought a while about how to answer your question. I don't want to ramble on and on, but at the same time I don't mind telling you a little bit about what's going on. I write in status updates to Dr. Phil and it helps me get a clearer picture of where I am at. So, this will be a little like one of those updates. I also have been through Self Matters and am working through the initial chapters of his other book that was recommended to me, Relationship Rescue. If anyone out there has ever really read either of these books, you can attest to the idea that some part time jobs require less work. These books have you take a concept or feeling, examine from eight different perspectives, and then write down what you think you have learned about that subject. I have become very good at using writing as a tool to rake through my thoughts and feelings. 

Are we making progress and getting closer to our happy place? I certainly think so. Let me compare the "Grant and Kelly Project" to another one.  

We are trying to landscape part of our yard - a project that will take a lot of hard work and a lot of time. The yard is attractive as it sits now, and we could probably get by with just leaving it as it is. During the course of our project the yards appearance will get worse, but hopefully that will be brief and worth it when the project is completed. The irrigation line has a leak, so we aren't using the automated watering system and the lawn has dried up. The decorative rock is too thin in places and scattered outside of where it should be placed in numerous others (mostly due to our kids building rock yards in the lawn when it was green). There are some weeds growing in different places around the yard that will need to go. I think we would also like to add things to our yard that will make it more pleasurable for us. There are some decorative items that we brought up from Mexico that we brought into our house that add a little zest to the interior, and I think we'll look at doing more of that in the backyard. I think a large hot tub under our gazebo will the the final icing on the cake!  

I think the stage we are at right now, in our relationship project, might be similar to pulling weeds, digging ditches, and hauling out the trash. By choosing not let things be the way they had been for so long, we are having the drudge up stuff that isn't really nice to look at or think about. I You will have to ask Kelly a direct question if you want her thoughts on all of this. She's probably doing well, I see things running a little smoother for her recently. I feel like I am dealing with feelings of guilt and resentment that I didn't allow to exist until recently. You can imagine how much fun that must be to work with. I want to add that Kelly is a good sport about all of this. Every once in a while the referee sends us to our corners, and then we cool off and play nice again. 

I hope my response to your question wasn't so whacked that you give up and throw your hands in the air. Thanks for asking. 

This is the post where Grant claims he could afford to hire help for Kelly.  Unfortunately, my puter is having issues so I can't figure out how to cut/paste on these boards yet.  Anyhow, just wanted to show that yes, Grant, could afford to help out- in more ways than one.  Hiring help or even, God forbid, taking on some duties himself.  For example, I have mentioned in other posts about him taking one/two small things he could do consistently to lighten Kelly's load.  No reponse.  I just don't buy your whole mentality.  Yes, my husband is the leader of the home but is not a tyrant.  Also, I believe each the man/woman need to be strong in the home.  It's about balance, partnership and respect.  You and others like you (Diana, Bree) have that respect from your husband's - Kelly doesn't and that's what this is all about.  I heard  a statement once that it's easy to be friends with people who are nice to you.  This is kinda the same.   It's easy to be good to someone who is good to you.  I know, I know, you have been there.  Again, I don't think anyone who is divorced, has no kids, or was close to divorce really holds any weight on this particular subject.   I look more towards people who have successfully gone through 15+ years of marriage as my mentors.  As a woman, I find it totally offensive that you can't seem to support Kelly.  She is trying, she is willing but you know what- she deserves to be treated with respect.  I don't see Grant bringing home a check as  justification for his attitude towards her.  Also, just as a side note, my hubby has no respect for him either.  Any MAN would want whatever it takes, however it takes for his wife to be happy instead of waiting on his "high horse" for her to "get it".