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Topic : 02/22 Wedding Wars

Number of Replies: 276
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Created on : Friday, February 17, 2006, 03:13:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

A wedding is supposed to be a time of celebration, but sometimes, planning for that special day can divide a family. Pat feels that her son, Steve’s, fiancée is not good enough for him. She thinks Kim is selfish, narcissistic and trying to turn Steve against his own family. Pat hopes she can convince her son that he’s about to marry the wrong woman before it’s too late. Then, when Rachel and her mother, Jeanne, last appeared on the show, Jeanne claimed that Rachel’s Bridezilla ways were destroying their relationship. Rachel’s motto was: “It’s my wedding day, and the bride is always number one!” After they left the show, Rachel refused to speak to Jeanne and demanded an apology. Will this mother and daughter see eye to eye before Rachel gets on the plane to move away for good? And, what is the one thing Rachel really needs from her mother? Join the discussion.

 

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September 13, 2006, 1:00 pm CDT

Just saw the show . . .

I know this particular episode aired more than seven months ago but I am so thankful that I have seen it! I've had the most difficult relationship with my mother-in-law since my husband came into my life. She didn't approve of our long-distance relationship, she didn't approve of our engagement, she didn't approve of us moving in with one another . . . needless to say my relationship with my husband has been strained because of the constant back and forth! What makes me feel so bad about it all is that I genuinely love her and my father-in-law and my brother-in-law very much. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to turn to because not only am I living in another state, I am living in another state without any blood relatives and a handful of friends that I have made throughout the years that I have been living here. My husband would tell me about how his mother thinks that I am selfish, that I don't appreciate him . . .  My husband came to me and suggested that I go to school full time so that I could get out of undergrad sooner. My MIL expressed to him that it wasn't fair that he should work and that I shouldn't (even though I have had small gigs during that time period which went to the household). She even preached in a sermon about our business while we were both there! I do think that she resents me because her son has not visited her as often and her illness is getting worse. Sometimes I feel out of place when I speak with her or even when we go over to her house to visit. I feel awkward and intimidated because I know that if it came down to it my hubby will always lean on his mother before he leans on me. I wish he could have seen this episode! And I thought that it was apart of the new season since Dr. Phil has been moved from NBC to CBS. I thought about taping it, but now I'm glad I didn't only because I think that he will put his on spin on me bringing this crap up again. I feel like I have no voice at all and that the best way to deal with the situation is to love them from afar. I have no doubts that my MIL loves me, I just don't think that she is completely honest about how she really feels about my relationship with her son. I'm glad to read that I am not the only one going through this.!
 
September 13, 2006, 1:02 pm CDT

Just saw the show . . .

I know this particular episode aired more than seven months ago but I am so thankful that I have seen it! I've had the most difficult relationship with my mother-in-law since my husband came into my life. She didn't approve of our long-distance relationship, she didn't approve of our engagement, she didn't approve of us moving in with one another . . . needless to say my relationship with my husband has been strained because of the constant back and forth! What makes me feel so bad about it all is that I genuinely love her and my father-in-law and my brother-in-law very much. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to turn to because not only am I living in another state, I am living in another state without any blood relatives and a handful of friends that I have made throughout the years that I have been living here. My husband would tell me about how his mother thinks that I am selfish, that I don't appreciate him . . .  My husband came to me and suggested that I go to school full time so that I could get out of undergrad sooner. My MIL expressed to him that it wasn't fair that he should work and that I shouldn't (even though I have had small gigs during that time period which went to the household). She even preached in a sermon about our business while we were both there! I do think that she resents me because her son has not visited her as often and her illness is getting worse. Sometimes I feel out of place when I speak with her or even when we go over to her house to visit. I feel awkward and intimidated because I know that if it came down to it my hubby will always lean on his mother before he leans on me. I wish he could have seen this episode! And I thought that it was apart of the new season since Dr. Phil has been moved from NBC to CBS. I thought about taping it, but now I'm glad I didn't only because I think that he will put his on spin on me bringing this crap up again. I feel like I have no voice at all and that the best way to deal with the situation is to love them from afar. I have no doubts that my MIL loves me, I just don't think that she is completely honest about how she really feels about my relationship with her son. I'm glad to read that I am not the only one going through this.!
 
January 16, 2007, 1:14 pm CST

toxic in-laws

Need some advice!  Am I being hateful? About ten years ago my aunt was in ICU having a tap put on her brain for chemo.  She was only ten years older than me and had always been like a big sister to me.  When I received the phone call I called my husband and he had planned on helping his 60 year old dad and three other guys roof his dad's house, but he called to tell them that he wouldn't be able to cause he was going to drive me the four hours to see my aunt and stay with me.  At this time we had a three year old and one year old.  My inlaws didn't offer to keep the kids, however my mother in law called to tell me that my hubby was supposed to help his Dad, couldn't I go by myself.  I said no.  She then had a friend of hers (who at the time I thought was a friend but in reality was just pretending to be so she could gossip back to my inlaws if I said or did anything she thought was "worthy")call and tell me that she would go with me to see my aunt, whom she didn't know, and she would keep up with the kids, that way my hubby could stay and help his dad.  Here is the funny part.  We had only known for 2 days that fil was even planning on roofing his house.  When my hubby offered to help, fil said , "doesn't much matter I have already asked and he named off three other people" to help him. I told her friend no too.  We went to see my aunt, I ended up staying and my husband came back home to go back to work.  I get home to find out that my mil had ranted and raved to my hubby saying that I had been hateful about my fil and had said some hateful things about him and her.  My husband asked what I had said and his Moms response was " I'm not going to tell, but she needs to grow up and quit being so selfish and hateful, we won't forgive her  for a very long time!"  When I confronted them, they said, it was no big deal and they would get over it.  They wouldn't tell me what I had supposedly said.  Of course, they were wanting me to help plan my fil retirement party.  I have discovered they are only nice and only talk to me if I am doing something for them. For as long as I have known the inlaws they have pretty much acted like my hubby is second rate compared to their other son and their daughter.  They even treat their daughters child better than they treat our kids and even though they bad mouth the other grandchildren and praise our kids behavior they treat our kids poorly.  Well 6 years ago, my husband found out for the first time in our marriage he would be off on the Friday after Thanksgiving and we opted to go to my parents.  Until then we had always had Thanksgiving with his parents.  His parents were furious. My fil told me I was a selfish self-centered person and that my family was trash,(in his eyes everone is trash but him) and proceded to put his fist in my face and threaten to hit me.  My husband wasn't there when it happened.  My mil proceded to tell me that she didn't care if it was being selfish or unfair to my folks, she didn't give a crap about my folks, she wanted what she wanted, and if she didn't get it then she was going to throw a fit!  When my hubby found out what was going on he rushed over and confronted them and they admitted it.  Never did they apologize.  After a few weeks, they began telling other family members that I was at fault, that they forgave me and yet I am distant and hateful to them. Of course they say I badmouthed my husband to them and that my fil put me in my place.  Anyone who knows me knows that I always speak highly of my husband because he is an exceptional person and a fantastic husband and father.  I have finally realized that there is no pleasing them.  We visit, they act like they don't want us there, yet gripe to family that we don't come enough.  We call, they act like we are disturbing them, the complain we don't call enough.  We recently gave them a 50th wedding anniversary party.  Myself and my sister in law(my husbands brothers wife, whom they also treat like crap) did everything accept  decorate the banquet hall, because my husbands sister made it clear she was going to decorate, of course she expected us to foot the bill for that too and we told her we paid for everything else, she could pay for that.  The family friend and my husbands sister decorated the banquet hall.  To hear my inlaws tell it, no one did a thing for the party but the friend and their daughter.  I told my husband I am done trying to please them.  They buy the daughter expensive gifts for birthdays and holidays as well as her daughter, but my husband and kids get clearance rack stuff, which would be fine if it was stuff they liked or if it fit.  She gave my 14 year old daughter toddler socks and a vest that was a youth small for Christmas this year.  I overheard my mil tell her daughter that my daughter should be grateful, at least she gave her something!  Can you be anymore hateful.  My daughter opened her gifts, and said thank you to her grandma.  I didn't even know that it didn't fit until I overheard the two women discussing it.  Here is where I have drawn the line, my fil refused to hug me or my two kids goodbye at Christmas.  My husband is furious and so am I.  I want to be done with them completely.  My husband has mixed emotions.  My mil has called and left messages saying she doesn't know why we won't return her calls.  My husband refuses to talk to her.  My fil hasn't called at all.  My mil even sent a note saying that she hasn't done anything wrong, but to forgive her and that she hopes our kids don't throw us away when we are old like we have done to her and fil.  Would you be done?

 
January 18, 2007, 7:37 am CST

02/22 Wedding Wars

Quote From: nicoleb81

Kim didn't influence Steve to move from his religious beliefs, he apparently wanted to do it, as you can't force someone to do something they don't want to 

Steve is in charge of himself, and even though disappointing, moving away from his faith based on a woman, kinda speaks for itself.  Maybe his faith isn't as important to him as Mom thinks.  Not only that...  Maybe once they are married and the "new" wears off, STeve may rediscover his faith.  Mom needs to butt out and remember her son is a grown man.  The bible says the son is to severe ties with his parents and become one with his wife and create his own seperate family.
 
January 18, 2007, 7:44 am CST

02/22 Wedding Wars

Quote From: tograycats

I have been married to my husband for 14 years.  We have been together since high school, so 19 years added up.  My only words of advise to any "Soon To Be" Mother In Law is this:  You have to let it go.  Whether you think your daughter in law is right or wrong, it is the woman your son has chosen to spend his life with.  After many, many years of being put down, back-stabbed, dominated (and any other toxic word you can think of), my husband and I alienated ourselves from his family.  Our oldest daughter was 1 at the time.   It was the easiest time we have ever had in our marriage, because we felt so much healthier, mentally, from escaping that poison.  Our oldest daughter is now 9, we had two other children in the meantime (another girl 7, and a son 6).  They never knew them as babies, never knew what they looked like.  They gave that all up.  For what????  I have no idea. So they could back stab?  So they could control?  So they could prove a point? They never even tried to get in touch with us to try to work anything out.   Fortunately, 6 years into this ridiculous fight, I "surrendered" and decided I just didn't want to do this anymore.  They had three grandchildren they didn't know.   Anyway, I made the first move and went to their house one day without my husband even knowing.  They met their grandson that day for the first time and later met their  granddaughter and saw their oldest granddaughter for the first time in 6 years...not to mention their own son.  They learned a valuable lesson.   They now respect our marriage, their son and me.  They only downside is that I am the one who "apologized" first.   It is a little hard for me to this day, to accept the fact that I have that burden on my shoulders.  Not one person  in my husbands family claimed any ownership to anything they had done.  It is a hard pill to swallow, but I know I can do it!!   It really was difficult for all of us involved, and I would hate to see that happen to anyone else.   The relationship isn't always easy, and it is FAR from perfect with my mother-in-law to this day, but my husband and I have set the boundaries with them.  They know what can happen.  Also, this may not have anything to do with anything, but it is a good thing to keep in mind, that people say that there are two sides to every story - try three sides....your side, their side, and in the middle - the truth! 

I actually would not mind seeing my husband "disown" his parents.  They are very toxic.  My husband and I never fight because of them.  We refuse to allow them to interfere in our marriage.  It has always been he and I against them .  They tried one time to make my husband choose to take sides with them over some issue I knew nothing about and wasn't even around at the time that it had supposedly occurred and my husband made it clear.  I was and always would be his first choice and if they thought for a minute he was going to sit and listen to them bad mouth me or treat me unfairly he would wipe them out of his life completely.  Since then, they are rude and hateful to him,and  my kids and just ignore me altogether, except to tell all of the family how horrible my husband and I are to them.  I am 100 percent o.k. with wiping them out of our lives, they bring nothing but poison to our lives.  Sometimes you just have to realize that you are better off without someone in your life and let go.  I know I sure have, I just wish my husband would.  Right now he is just refusing to speak to them or see them.  Hopefully it will become permanent.
 
January 18, 2007, 7:54 am CST

02/22 Wedding Wars

Quote From: corajane

Hi! 

I read your story & feel for you.  The saying about being able to pick your friends, as opposed to your family, is very true.  You husband's mom sounds damaging -- how could you "let her down" re grandkids?  Tell her to produce/grow her own!  I know this may sound harsh, but it seems that his family has been intolerably cruel to him.  Why even visit with them?  They're toxic!  Stop with the birthdays (except for maybe brother & new wife -- you should all celebrate separately, without parents).  I don't quite understand why parents do this to their kids -- & then they wonder why Sonny isn't calling them every time they jerk his chain!  I think a pre-ordered birthday present from a catalog sent direct to his Mom should take care of things.  She'll be pissed, but hey, you didn't set up this scenario!  2 visits a year should suffice.  And, if she is being unpleasant, why don't you treat her with the UTMOST civility & don't listen to her complaints/nagging/barbs.  Agree with everything & keep smiling -- 'cause you're gonna get outta there sooner or later, & she has to live with herself.  You don't. 

  

Let me tell you a story -- I was working as a Wall St. secretary for a guy who was younger than I, but seemed to be on the "fast track" in his company.  I suffered a bad leg injury because I did a personal favor for him, & though I kept coming to work in spite of my pain (ripped tendons & ligaments on the inside left leg), he found every excuse to be cross with me & to put me down.  He was a jerk.  So, after awhile of this nonsense, I wrote up my letter of resignation & gave it to him.  At first, he was glad I was leaving, but then requested my presence in his office.  I sat down in the chair & listened to him.  He came out with some pretty unkind stuff & some threats, but -- & here's the rub, so to speak -- I just kept my mouth shut & smiled & smiled.  Whatever he said, I just smiled & kept quiet.  This started to freak him out -- he got nervous, because I wasn't responding to his barbs, & I looked cool & composed.  Drove him up the wall!!!  I wasn't rude, hurt, or anything.  Just kept smiling.  I knew I was getting a better bargain being away from him.  Silence can be most effective in certain situations. Well!  I left the office right after that, but he ran down after me & said he didn't mean what he said, etc.  I just smiled & walked off to the subway.  The next business day, I called the home office of this company & talked to a high-level secretary I had become "phone buddies" with.  She was appalled, pulled out this disgusting slanderous memo he wrote about me, & this gal reported it to Human Resources & let them know her own opinion of me (which was a good one!).  I then proceeded to leave my phone off the hook during working hours for the next 3 days.  As soon as the phone was free, after those 3 days, I IMMEDIATELY got a call from the boys at the top & I told them just what exactly was going on in the NY office.  Well, I got a decent severance, & the former "golden haired boy" had to answer for quite a bit to his superiors.  Guess what happened to his formerly "fast-track" ambitions?  

  

So, the trick is to treat these unpleasant people with amazing grace & humor & manners.  They won't be able to cut you down -- you're not doing anything improper.  (Of course, you may want to shower & brush your teeth when you get home to feel clean again.)  And, with luck, you'll make them very uncomfortable.  If "Mom" hands you a gift on the way out (!!!), don't take it.  Say you "really can't accept it" (with no reason given)  & clear out fast!  Her jaw will probably drop to the floor, she'll be left holding the grudgingly-given "present" & you'll be free!  Try it.  It will annoy the hell out of her.  Schedule vacations around "family" get-togethers -- it's all paid for, & you simply HAVE to go!  Couldn't re-schedule your reservations, etc.  And, keep a sense of humor about everything.  Yeah, it can be tough, but if you & your husband cuddle up on the coach & manage to laugh at these things, you'll really be ahead of the game.  

  

All the best of luck.  Maybe you & your husband should take dancing lessons, or join a gym together or something.  Or take long walks, holding hands.   

  

Regards, 

Corajane    

Loved your response to inlaws.  I did the same thing at Christmas.  Stupid gifts they gave me that they knew would not suit me at all, I just smiled and said thank you.  I didn't speak unless spoken too,( they once told me they personally didn't give a rat's a** about me or my life) so I smiled and kept my mouth shut.  They were rude and disrespectful to me and my kids they whole time and pretty much ignored my husband, we just sat around and visited with his brother and his family while they ignored us.  The minute we left the mil told her other son that the minute we walked into the door we were nothing but hateful to her and my fil.  Sometimes no matter what you do, you just can't win, so I just decided I am done.  People like them just aren't worth it.
 
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