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Topic : 02/22 Wedding Wars

Number of Replies: 276
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Created on : Friday, February 17, 2006, 03:13:49 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

A wedding is supposed to be a time of celebration, but sometimes, planning for that special day can divide a family. Pat feels that her son, Steve’s, fiancée is not good enough for him. She thinks Kim is selfish, narcissistic and trying to turn Steve against his own family. Pat hopes she can convince her son that he’s about to marry the wrong woman before it’s too late. Then, when Rachel and her mother, Jeanne, last appeared on the show, Jeanne claimed that Rachel’s Bridezilla ways were destroying their relationship. Rachel’s motto was: “It’s my wedding day, and the bride is always number one!” After they left the show, Rachel refused to speak to Jeanne and demanded an apology. Will this mother and daughter see eye to eye before Rachel gets on the plane to move away for good? And, what is the one thing Rachel really needs from her mother? Join the discussion.

 

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February 22, 2006, 10:22 am CST

Wedding HELP!!!!

After watching todays show made me realize that I am having a huge problem with my sisters wedding.  Let me give you some information first of all.  We are identical twins, and we are engaged to brothers!!!  I have been dating my fiance for 1.5yrs before my sister hooked up with his brother.  While I was gone to Africa on a medical trip they hooked up, which was 5 mos ago.  Now, they are planning to get married in Aug.  But heres a catch.  He is in the Marine Corps and has been deployed for 2mos out of there relationship and the rest of the time is is stationed in Calif, and we live in Tenn.  SO, they never see each other, and barely know each other.  Also, they always fight and break up with each other.  Now, I know I have a problem because first of all were twins and were marrying brothers.  I was just starting to try and get used to the whole brother thing when then they announced there engagement 1 wk after I did!!!!  I finally set a wedding date and she decided to have hers the exact same time ( mine would be in 2007,hers in 2006).  I know that we are twins and we like the same thing I guess, but I have always shared my whole life with her, and now she is marrying into the same family!!!  Help!!!  What should I do?????  I really want to be exacted but I'm not.  She asked me to be her maid of honor, but how can I be if I don't like the whole thing???  SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!  I am a really nice person and this makes me feel like I am being such a bad person because thats all we talk about and I hate it!!!!! 
 
February 22, 2006, 10:29 am CST

Pat

I think Pat had more to say than she actually said on TV.  Her complaint about church was that they did not attend church on Christmas.  Christmas is a holiday, a day when families gather together and celebrate.  That is a legitimate complaint.  Families travel thousands of miles to be with each other on that day and go to church together.  Pat's feelings should have been given more validation.  Dr. Phil was not exactly unbiased assuming there was separation anxiety rather than a real situation.  I think I see where Pat is coming from. Unfortunately she daughter-in-law to be lacks personality and a degree of personal warmth.  All my friends children and my children are married.  They did not separate even though everyone lives hundreds of miles apart.  One group is always visiting another group.  Family stay together.   Pat has some valuable points.  I am she was almost dismissed by Dr. Phil. 
 
February 22, 2006, 10:47 am CST

02/22 Wedding Wars

My daughter and son-in-law were married 8 years ago.  I love my son-in-law.  He is funny, inteligent, and just a great guy.  His father, was a nice person.  To keep peace in both families I ignored how his father treated my daughter.  He treated her like a transparent piece of glass - as if she did not exist.  It was always all about his sons.  He did not come to my daughter's graduation when she received her master's degree, and neither did his wife.  My daughter always told me about this treatment, I saw it but was uncertain what to do except to tell my daughter to be polite.  There was nothing to take issue with because his treatment of my daughter was not some obvious point to take issue with.  He simply ignored my daughter.  My daugher jumped through hoops to get his attention and never did.  He took his sons on camping trips, bought himself and his sons bikes so they could go biking and simply stepped quietly into the picture.   

  

Pat, take a hint from my daughter's father-in-law.  Quietly step into the picture, and pretend your daughter-in-law does not exit.  If she warms up fine, if not then you and your son go biking or whatever and leave her behind.   

  

I learned a few lessons from my son-in-laws father that I will keep close to me if I ever need them.  He would not let anything come between the relationship between himself and his sons and he found a way to do it.   

  

  

 
February 22, 2006, 10:58 am CST

A Deal-Breaker

When I married (39 years ago), I thought I was joining a family that welcomed me.  They appeared to welcome me, but about a year into the marriage, I detected a lot of resentment from hubby's father, like the letters Pat writes to Steve.  It got worse, ultimately so bad that I finally spoke up.  I told my hubby about it, and he approached his father.  I was very surprised when his father admitted it -- I give him a lot of credit for having been honest -- telling my hubby that he very much resented my having taken his beloved son away from him. 

  

Thankfully, I had married the kind of man who knew the right thing to do.  He let his father know that he loved him very much, and always would, but that he and I have been joined together, we love each other very much, and he would have to accept it. 

  

His father could not accept it, and it ended the relationship between him and me.  Whenever hubby went over to his father's house to visit, it was without me.  His father was welcome at our home, but only when I wasn't there.  It may sound severe, but it was the only way we could all get along. 

  

Steve needs to be the kind of man I married, to speak up to Pat like my hubby did with his father, and if Pat doesn't like it, it's her loss.  She says one thing to the camera, the things she knows she SHOULD feel and believe, but her letters say quite another.  Obviously she's in denial over her own feelings, and like Dr. Phil said, she's having anxiety over the impending separation from her son. 

  

I missed the relationship with my hubby's father because, when we all went camping, the two of us had a fabulous time together -- we were true campers, not like hubby and his mom, so we had a lot to share -- but the bad times were too horrendous and out-weighed the good; the separation was the only solution. 

  

If Pat is not careful, she could end up with this same kind of separation.  Trust me, she won't want it.  Hubby's father passed away about 15 years ago, and ya know something?  I miss him.  It was a terrible waste, because I could have made him a wonderful daughter-in-law and given him a lot of fun in his last years. 

  

Watch out Pat. 

 
February 22, 2006, 11:12 am CST

boundaries

Quote From: runner1

After watching todays show made me realize that I am having a huge problem with my sisters wedding.  Let me give you some information first of all.  We are identical twins, and we are engaged to brothers!!!  I have been dating my fiance for 1.5yrs before my sister hooked up with his brother.  While I was gone to Africa on a medical trip they hooked up, which was 5 mos ago.  Now, they are planning to get married in Aug.  But heres a catch.  He is in the Marine Corps and has been deployed for 2mos out of there relationship and the rest of the time is is stationed in Calif, and we live in Tenn.  SO, they never see each other, and barely know each other.  Also, they always fight and break up with each other.  Now, I know I have a problem because first of all were twins and were marrying brothers.  I was just starting to try and get used to the whole brother thing when then they announced there engagement 1 wk after I did!!!!  I finally set a wedding date and she decided to have hers the exact same time ( mine would be in 2007,hers in 2006).  I know that we are twins and we like the same thing I guess, but I have always shared my whole life with her, and now she is marrying into the same family!!!  Help!!!  What should I do?????  I really want to be exacted but I'm not.  She asked me to be her maid of honor, but how can I be if I don't like the whole thing???  SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!  I am a really nice person and this makes me feel like I am being such a bad person because thats all we talk about and I hate it!!!!! 

Perhaps you feel badly because you feel responsible for your sister and her actions. Sometimes its easier to be supportive if you can step back and realize that she is an independent person who is responsible for her own life, even if you are twins and are marrying brothers.  If you disapprove of what she is doing, at the end of the day, you really only have responsibility for what you have done. I don't think you have to worry so much about her life and she does not really need your approval, just your acceptance, love, and support. You can't control her anyway. 

  

My brother married a week before I did, though I got engaged first. My mother did try to turn it into a competition, but actually I was just so happy to get married to my guy that I ignored just about everything else. My brother had a big wedding; mine was fairly small, though bigger than my husband and I really wanted. My parents needed to invite a lot of friends (some of whom I'd never even met!).  All my husband wanted was to marry me and all I wanted was to marry him. 

Once you focus on that really important point - nothing else will seem so awful. My mother and her friends ran my wedding - I had very little to do with it, though strangely enough my mother (25 years later) still complains about all the stress, the worry, and the work my wedding created for her. My husband and I only asked for immediate family (parents, brothers, sisters) and a couple of close friends (less than 30 people total) and we had our wedding exactly when and where my parents wanted it. My view is we got what we wanted - each other - and she just likes to complain.  

Take care and hope your wedding is as happy as mine really was.  

  

   

  

  

 
February 22, 2006, 11:22 am CST

Not about the wedding

Like Dr. Phil told this mother & daughter, their issues have nothing to do with the wedding.  It is natural for a daughter to want approval from the most important woman in her life, her mother.  It was like watching me and my mother today.  I always knew my mother loved me but somehow she had the power to make me feel so small.  I remember clearly one day when I was about seventeen and just finished getting ready to go out.  I thought I looked wonderful until my mother had to point out that there were some wrinkles in my shirt.  It took a lot of years and a lot of tears to realize that my mother wasn't critizing me, she was just helping in her own way to make me the perfect daughter she thought I was.  Just like Dr. Phil's guest, friends of my mother were always telling me how proud she was of  me but she never told me. 

  

Not that long ago, I made the "life decision of the heart" and chose not to continue down this power struggle road.  I told my mother that instead of arguing over minor little things and always wanting to be right, I was choosing to celebrate all the blessings in our lives and what a powerful decision this was.  My mother is the best mother I could ever ask for.  She will drop everything and come and help me and my family without question.  I just told my husband last night that I see everything good about my mother when she is with our two small children.  I love seeing the good in my mother.  And it's amazing how this change has affected our relationship for the better. 

  

It is a conscious decision each day not to return to my old habits but it is getting easier every day as this "decision of the heart" becomes a better habit.  I have caught myself a few times but have told my mother that I am stopping right now and not wasting my heart beats on the negative and the best thing is that my mother is agreeing to go down this road with me. 

  

Today is my birthday and I could not be happier.  I have an amazing husband, two beautiful, healthy children, a wonderful extended family including amazing in-laws and best of all I have a loving  relationship with the best parents in the world.  What more could a girl ask for!!! 

 
February 22, 2006, 11:27 am CST

How I made peace with my MIL

When I met my MIL she was the most helpful person I had ever met.  She helped make our wedding a success and was there to assist me with anything. 

  

After the wedding, she started dropping by without calling.  Showing up early in the morning while we were still in our pj's.  She would organize all our holidays, and generally direct the way everything would happen.  That didn't sit well with me. 

  

Then I got pregnant.  When my son was born, she began orchastrating every event.  We could not make any plans without her.  She needed to be the "Star" Grandmother.   I felt smothered, pushed aside and that everything I did wasn't up to her standards. 

  

I would mention to her that we planned to get a particular thing for xmas or birthdays and she would show up with that exact item.  She began to "Mother" my children instead of  "Grandmothering" them. 

  

My husband, said "Just say the word and I will put her in check."  But I knew I needed to talk to her woman to woman with respect. 

  

I told her that this was my first time being a mother and a wife, and I need the space to make mistakes and create my own successes.  I said, she is vitally important to our family and to my children and I want her around, but that there could only be one Mother or Woman of the house in our home.   

  

I told her that I will need her help a lot in the future, but I need to be able to ask when I am ready.   And on a funny (serious) note I said, "If I say I don't like jello, thats why I don't make it.  I don't want to find it in my fridge when you babysit the kids while I am out."   

  

And lastly I told her that I want her to be proud me, as a wife, mother and friend, without me having to do everything the way she would do it, because that will never happen. 

  

She said, "Your right about all of that.  I should respect your home and your roles in it.  I am proud of you and I just want to help and sometimes I don't ask if my help is needed." 

  

We are now great friends, and have a great understanding.  Does she step on my toes occassionally?  YES.  But we built our own relationship and can be forgiving of the small stuff. 

  

Like the fact she watched the kids a couple of days last week  and when I got home there was a frickin' tub of jello in the fridge.  Gotta love her. 

  

My Mother in Law needed to realize she was not MY MOM and that I didn't need a new parent, I needed a wise supportive friend and Grandmother to my children.  I got both.  And she got what she needed, to feel needed. 

  

 
February 22, 2006, 11:29 am CST

continued from last night......with some added

Tues evening.....   So here is a question for Dr Phil. How would Robin respond a comment made to her from her son's new girlfriend that she was meeting for the very first time. The infamous comment made to me approximately 45 minutes after meeting her was "I am surprised you have such a good command of the English language". I was so taken back by this, that I didn't know what to say except "Thank you". I looked over at my son and he had his head down looking in his lap.  All these messages about horrible mother-in-law's, how about the dilemma of getting an evil daughter in law that is a snob, arrogant, rude, cold, weird, condescending, and gives looks that pierce the heart? Any other mother's out there having to deal with that, while they watch their son turn into someone they don't recognize anymore?  I raised my son on my own and for 29 years we had a great relationship. Rarely would three days go by that we didn't speak. It now has been since October since I spoke with my son and I didn't attend the wedding. I have had the worst year and half with my son in all of his 31 years and thanks to this witch. I can't stand her and has long as I am alive, she will never be a part of this family. I have lost my son, but at least I won't have to put up with anymore emotional abuse from him. I miss him terribly, but I don't miss watching my son turn into a mini her. A male friend asked me, "is your son a nice guy?" I told him yes and his response was, the bitches always get the nice guys. What is a mother to do?     Wednesday.......I think about how much I reached out to Ms.Rebecca. I also always thought I would gain a daughter when my son got married. I have learned when one's son gets caught up with someone that Becky, his morals, integrity, backbone, Christianity and love for his mother and family dissipates. I never thought my son was so weak. I never thought he would take her persona of rude, cold and lying ways. This past Valentines Day, Becky sent my mother and father a Valentine Day card telling them how happy they were and it was the best four months of their life. Last Valentines Day's, although my son always practiced sending me something or doing something special to make me feel loved, I got nothing. Zilch. While at their house in March, Becky informed me she sent her mother flowers from them and she never saw a card that my son said he mailed to me, which of course never made it to my mailbox. Along with my birthday card that he also lied about. He knows how much cards mean to me and I have every card he has ever given me. I have never been given so many nasty looks as she has given me. I have never felt so insignificant as I wasn't worthy of the time of day, much less, just trying to get to know the mother of the man she supposedly loves so much. Becky made a negative comment about me before I ever met her. My mother can't remember the words she used, but remembers feeling there is going to be problems. One day while my son was speaking to her on the phone, I asked to say hello and apparently I am not supposed to do that. I fell into Becky's trap. She knew how much I loved my son and she knew how emotionally weak I am due to many issues and my health is at the top and she ignored me, knowing that is would destroy me and it did. I was suicidal, so stinking depressed I couldn't function and my son wouldn't even speak to me. For the first in his life, he decided to punish me and not speak to me for weeks. If I didn't go what he wanted or how he wanted, I was to be punished. I can't help but think about my conversation with Becky's mother the first day I was around her. She told me verbatim, "I had a horrible relationship with Rebecca for years, it is much better now".  I think she was warning me.  I could go on and on but I would venture to say, no mother out there is more disappointed or hurt than I am by my son. My life revolved around him. When I tell people we are estranged, I always get the same response, "you and Randy?". You two were always so close. Well, Mom's out there...that saying you don't gain a daughter, you lose your son, is true, even the son's you think would never hurt you. I wonder how Dr Phil and Robin would respond to being treated with such disrespect?   I do have to say that after learning that apparently Becky and Randy had some kind of emotional if not more, relationship going on while she was married to another man, it definitely gives me a sick feeling about her too. My son helped her move out of the house after her husband left for work one day. It breaks my heart that he would get involved with someone like her.  Of course, I didn't find this out until months later because so much of their life had a air of secrecy about them. I wonder why.  I actually contacted the ex mother-in-law and many things became clear or clearer.  Becky feels, she is to be first in his life, even before God and anyone else and his life is to revolve around her only. Mom's aren't allowed in the men's life anymore.  One day Randy and I went off with some other family members and she called him up, apparently saying something like, no one needs me, because Randy response was "the pups and I need you".  He couldn't even go off for an couple of hours without her making him feel guilty for leaving her behind.   Don't get me wrong, I don't think everything I did was the right way to respond, but I do think everything I did came from a good place in my heart and wanting the best for my only child. Oh yeah, I was informed to stop calling him my baby, after 30 years. I could go on and on, but I am sick of the tears and the pain that comes every time I think about her and the dissension she brought into my life and into this family.   After reading this, I realized I haven't given my son any responsibility for all that has occurred. He is responsible for his actions, or lack of actions,  no matter what she says. I feel the repercussions of him not doing as she want's would be severe. I really feel sorry for him.
 
February 22, 2006, 11:31 am CST

02/22 Wedding Wars

Quote From: runner1

After watching todays show made me realize that I am having a huge problem with my sisters wedding.  Let me give you some information first of all.  We are identical twins, and we are engaged to brothers!!!  I have been dating my fiance for 1.5yrs before my sister hooked up with his brother.  While I was gone to Africa on a medical trip they hooked up, which was 5 mos ago.  Now, they are planning to get married in Aug.  But heres a catch.  He is in the Marine Corps and has been deployed for 2mos out of there relationship and the rest of the time is is stationed in Calif, and we live in Tenn.  SO, they never see each other, and barely know each other.  Also, they always fight and break up with each other.  Now, I know I have a problem because first of all were twins and were marrying brothers.  I was just starting to try and get used to the whole brother thing when then they announced there engagement 1 wk after I did!!!!  I finally set a wedding date and she decided to have hers the exact same time ( mine would be in 2007,hers in 2006).  I know that we are twins and we like the same thing I guess, but I have always shared my whole life with her, and now she is marrying into the same family!!!  Help!!!  What should I do?????  I really want to be exacted but I'm not.  She asked me to be her maid of honor, but how can I be if I don't like the whole thing???  SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!  I am a really nice person and this makes me feel like I am being such a bad person because thats all we talk about and I hate it!!!!! 
Congrats on your upcoming wedding! It sounds to me that she just wants what you have, but the problem is is that yours is real. It's not your place to tell your sister what to do, but if she asks for your advice then feel free to tell her you think she is making a mistake.  If you don't believe in this union then do not stand up in front of God and all as her maid of honor, because to do so would be giving them your blessing. You can politely explain that you love her too much to stand by her side as she makes a huge mistake. How she reacts to you is her choice, whether she gets angry or not is up to her. Maybe she will see that you just care so much that you are willing to speak the truth as you know it and are just trying to help. If she can't see it that way, there's nothing you can do. That's hers to own. Just make sure you say it in a way that is not critical of her or demeaning. She is your sister and you love her, that is why you are speaking up. I hope she can see it that way. Who knows, she just might see the light and agree.
 
February 22, 2006, 11:50 am CST

02/22 Wedding Wars

Quote From: mataylor

I think Pat had more to say than she actually said on TV.  Her complaint about church was that they did not attend church on Christmas.  Christmas is a holiday, a day when families gather together and celebrate.  That is a legitimate complaint.  Families travel thousands of miles to be with each other on that day and go to church together.  Pat's feelings should have been given more validation.  Dr. Phil was not exactly unbiased assuming there was separation anxiety rather than a real situation.  I think I see where Pat is coming from. Unfortunately she daughter-in-law to be lacks personality and a degree of personal warmth.  All my friends children and my children are married.  They did not separate even though everyone lives hundreds of miles apart.  One group is always visiting another group.  Family stay together.   Pat has some valuable points.  I am she was almost dismissed by Dr. Phil. 

Kim IS his family.  That's the point--his parents are now his extended family, not his immediate family. 

  

I do understand where Pat is coming from--I wasn't thrilled about my brother moving on because he is, after all, my baby brother--but it's selfish of us to want him to be ours forever when he's plenty old enough to have an immediate family of his own. 

  

I did not get to see the show itself but I assume they live near each other.  What he and Kim do on Christmas is their business, not his mother's.  Their religious and spiritual life is their business now.  His mother has done the job of raising him and needs to bow out gracefully rather than grasping.  Steve seems to have turned out very well and have his priorities straight in terms of being a husband.  He's trying to make sure his new family stays together by not letting his mom run over his wife, even though Pat's intentions may be good.  Pat is allowed to have separation anxiety but she doesn't have the right to butt into a marriage where neither her son nor her daughter-in-law seem to want or need her.  That doesn't mean they don't love her, it just means they're old enough to make their own decisions. 

  

I also don't think it's fair to decide that Kim is cold unless you know her personally.  Some people are simply not that demonstrative, especially on stage in front of the whole world.  I'm not a "gusher" but I'm not cold-hearted, and I'd be petrified if I was up there with my mother-in-law and Dr. Phil.  Give her a break.  Likewise, I didn't see anything that indicated that she was trying to deny Steve his religious upbringing, just that she had a different interpretation of it than Pat did. 

  

I agree that I would have liked Dr. Phil to spend more time on this so it wouldn't look like Pat was getting cut off at the knees, and I don't think Pat was being a 'monster-in-law' by any means, I just think she needs some reassurance and help letting go. 

 
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