Topic : 02/22 Wedding Wars

My husband & I have been married for 12 years.  I don't think that I have ever known a family that is  so manipulative in my life, as his.  I love my husband, but it has been a hard 12 years.  I think that I would have given our getting married a little more consideration had I known how bad things were.  I'm sure that my in-laws think that I am the reason why my husband never calls them.  After years of them putting him down, calling him overweight and repeatedly telling him that he will never be successful, he has decided on his own to limit his time with them.  I'm sure in their minds they are sitting back and blaming me, especially since they think he married beneath him, even though I was raised in an upper middle class family.  My husband and I now own a successful CPA practice, despite what they think of him.   

My husband and I could not have children and my mother-in-law told people that we "really" let her down.  I'm almost thankful that we didn't, just because I would have had to have more interaction with them.   Every year at her birthday, which is exactly one week before mine, she never mentions my birthday.  We always celebrate hers and when we get ready to leave, she hands me my presents at the door and says have a good birthday.  My husband's birthday is 2-3 weeks later, and we get together again to celebrate his (with still no mention of mine).  My husband's brother got re-married 2 years ago, and his new wife's birthday is 12 days after mine.  The next year, my mother-in-law wanted to have a big joint birthday celebration for everyone's birthday, after 9 years of me being an outsider, it really hurt my feelings.  

I could go on for days with stories of them, but life is to short.  I encourage my husband to see them, because that is his family.  I just hope Kim will think long and hard about her upcoming marriage, trust me it will be a hard life.    

Hello! 

Why are you "allowing" this to happen to you?  And, don't tell Kim to think long & hard.  She has already spent 5 years with her guy.  The guy's mother, however, had quite a few characteristics in common (that I saw on TV) with the mother-in-law on today's (2/28) show. 

From my observation, "something" is going on between mother & son, although it may not  immediately translate into something that can be described by either for many years.  "Mama's boy" is very common, it seems.  And, the poor guys don't know it until something hits the fan.  Kim kept touching her guy, while his mother mouthed things against Kim, like "not a Christian" (whatever)  & really denegrated her.  Mom does not want her 33 year-old son to marry this gal.  Or, for that matter, ANY gal!  Mom will use religion, race, "suitability", attitude -- whatever will put down the Other Woman in her son's life. I can only pray that Sonny sees this for what it is -- obsession -- & will do what he can to protect the woman he loves (hopefully, you). 

When I was in my early 20's, I was engaged to a guy who was going through college (2 years' difference in age), & his mother did NOT like me, although she acted pleased to see me when we visited, etc.  You get the picture.  However, when Sonny Boy was home & he called me to see how I was, etc., she would find an excuse to come into the room he was in & interrupt & start to tell him something, completely butting into our conversation & she'd insist that Sonny come with her because she had to show him something.  For awhile, I tolerated it that he would put down the phone, at his mother's wishes, & go off to see what she wanted (hoping it would be short), but after 5-6 times I waited for him to pick up the phone again AFTER A 1/2 HOUR!!!!!, I knew what was going on.  So, I started to give him 10 minutes, & then I would hang up.  Wouldn't you?  But when he called me back, FURIOUS  that I HAD HUNG UP ON HIM!!!!!, I would tell him the amount of time I spent waiting for him to pick up the phone again, & I said I was not waiting any more than 10 minutes from here on in.  Mumsy was winning this.  Hands down. 

I didn't marry him.  Thank God!!! 

By the way, all the other mothers of my respective boyfriends thought I was just peachy keen, even if marriage maybe was in the offing, & with some mothers, we even stayed in contact after "boyfriend du jour" & I parted company.  Imagine going over to your ex-boyfriend's parents for a Friday dinner every so often & his Mom would make my favorate dish?!!!  And this would be months after we broke up!  I think because when Sonny was going out with me, I got along so well with his family that we would go over to Mom's for Sunday Dinner every couple of weeks & she would see her son more than usual -- because of me!   This was true of all my other boyfriends after the Toxic/Jealous Mother I had to endure for a couple of years.  Ladies, if you're not getting along with your mother-in-law (either new or of a couple of years' standing), something needs to be changed.  And, your guy has to be made aware of the problem & he DOES have to step up to the plate to talk to his mother (NOT your job!) to sort things out.  And, yes, "pretending" does go on -- if Mom is a schemer, she'll befriend you to learn your weaknesses.  You have to figure it out.  

I didn't like either mother on the show.  I've had experience with lying mothers & people who "twisted" things to their advantage & who played the martyr card.  Be careful.  Just get away from them.  Period. 

Regards to all, 

J     

My husband & I have been married for 12 years.  I don't think that I have ever known a family that is  so manipulative in my life, as his.  I love my husband, but it has been a hard 12 years.  I think that I would have given our getting married a little more consideration had I known how bad things were.  I'm sure that my in-laws think that I am the reason why my husband never calls them.  After years of them putting him down, calling him overweight and repeatedly telling him that he will never be successful, he has decided on his own to limit his time with them.  I'm sure in their minds they are sitting back and blaming me, especially since they think he married beneath him, even though I was raised in an upper middle class family.  My husband and I now own a successful CPA practice, despite what they think of him.   

My husband and I could not have children and my mother-in-law told people that we "really" let her down.  I'm almost thankful that we didn't, just because I would have had to have more interaction with them.   Every year at her birthday, which is exactly one week before mine, she never mentions my birthday.  We always celebrate hers and when we get ready to leave, she hands me my presents at the door and says have a good birthday.  My husband's birthday is 2-3 weeks later, and we get together again to celebrate his (with still no mention of mine).  My husband's brother got re-married 2 years ago, and his new wife's birthday is 12 days after mine.  The next year, my mother-in-law wanted to have a big joint birthday celebration for everyone's birthday, after 9 years of me being an outsider, it really hurt my feelings.  

I could go on for days with stories of them, but life is to short.  I encourage my husband to see them, because that is his family.  I just hope Kim will think long and hard about her upcoming marriage, trust me it will be a hard life.    

Which every "monster-in-law" misses is... 

IT'S NOT YOUR DECISION; you raised your child, hopefully with the ability to make good decisions of his or her own, that's it, game over, NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX... 

However right or wrong you think your child's choice is, it's your child's choice... 

However appropriate or inappropriate you consider your child's mate, it's your child's mate... 

Your only "job" now is to trust the judgement of person you helped form and gracefully accept the person he or she chooses to go through life with, just as you'd accept a friend or neighbor's mate. 

Unless and until these people can get it through their heads that there IS no justification for interfering with an adult child's personal life, they'll always find a "moral reason" to do so... 

While I don't like bridezilla behavior, I will say this.... 

A couple of days ago I was trying to have a nice friendly conversation with my parents when they interrupted me because, of all things. clips of their favorite show Dancing With The Stars.  It wasn't even the show itself. They had already seen this weeks episode. It was little clips shown on some entertainment report show.!   

They did not apologize for interupting me. I proceeded to get comfort from a STRANGER in an online chat room who I had previously helped when his friend was dying.  My parents think i spend too much time on the internet! 

This is why I can't wait for my wedding. I WON'T be wearing a tiara. I WON'T be in a horse drawn carriage. 

But for ONCE in my life my cousin who I've known all my life but started ignoring me for some unexplained reason when I was 27, and the cousin who almost left me out of her wedding even though my dad was walking her down the aisle, and my neighbors son in law who gives me dirty looks for some reason I don't know about, and YES, my parents will all have to sit there with fake smiles on THEIR faces while I have my day. Whether I invite or send them an announcement. 

It SHOULDN'T take a 20,50,or 70 thousand dollar wedding to make someone feel important and wanted.  I do it everyday for others and get only a fraction in return.  But such is life.   

You know, I watched this show, and I think Dr. phil is most often correct in diagnosing the issues of the people that come on his show...but on this mater I have to agree with a few of his opinions.    

I think a lot of Pat's issues had to do with the spiritual and moral implications of Steve's choice to marry Kim.  It seems to me like Steve was raised in a home that taught him a Christian value system and belief structure, and when he met Kim, she influenced him somewhat, to move away from that.  I'm not saying I think Kim is a totally bad person, but perhaps she just doesn't have the same devout beliefs that Pat raised Steve to have.  I think perhaps Pat is more frustrated by this than by his choice to get married, and the "leave the nest" syndrome.   

I think Pat's frustration lies with the idea that Kim has caused Steve to take a look at his belief system and decide that perhaps this system is not the best one for him, based on his love for Kim, and no other reason.  I think maybe she feels like Steve has compromised his morals and beliefs for the sake of a woman.  This is why Kim may feel judgement from Pat.  I don't think Pat hates Kim or feels she is a bad person...but maybe she feels that Kim has led her son astray.   

It is a widely accepted Christian belief that it is a sin for two people to live together, so Pat would have been happy to know that Steve was marrying Kim, just so that he would not be living in sin anymore.  But over the course of time, as she has seen Steve move farther away from his faith, and church life, she has become disappointed with Kim because of it.  Every Christian mom wants to see her child continue in the faith traditions he/she has been raised with.   

For a Christian, the implications of this reach farther that this life.  If a Christian rejects the teachings of Jesus Christ, and salvation, then the worry would be that he would not go to heaven when he dies.  I think perhaps Pat is worried that his choices now, will affect him right into the afterlife. 

Regardless, no matter how diffiult this is to accept...Steve is a grown man, and he has to be allowed to be that man and make his own decisions.  It is a gut wrenching thing for a mom to see her son make the choice to be "unequally yoked" in marriage, because it is often the cause of a lot of heartache.  But it IS his decision.  My best suggestion to Pat is, as a Christian mother, pray for your son...pray for his marriage, pray for Kim in particular...that she will come to know the Lord, and that as a couple they will serve the Lord.  In praying for Kim, ask the Lord to give to you His love for her.  Do your best to love her regardless of her religious leanings.  It is very difficult to do this, but it is love that will draw them, and nothing else.   

No offense to Dr. Phil, but I think he should have looked a little closer at the faith based issues Pat was having, instead of so quickly diagnosing the problem as "empty nest" syndrome, and making her look like the bad guy.  Of course I admit that I don't have all the information, and I know that Pat has not handled this situation as well as she should have, nor, I am sure, have Steve and Kim...problems usually happen between parties of two or more. 

Anyway, I just wanted to give my two cents into the situation as I see it. 

I wondered, too, if this is a southern thing (the mother and son definitely had southern accents; the poor vict- er, DIL didn't get to say enough to tell, but if they perceive her as "cold," possibly she's northern?  My monster-in-law family was from "the hills," and they definitely had the them-vs.-us, Hatfield and McCoy mentality; it comes from being isolated in the hollers and HAVING to stick together in order to survive.  "Leaving" the original family -- for another or even for the betterment of oneself -- is indeed considered a betrayal and often fought with social and familal ostracization. 

As for Rachel, she's obviously a spoiled brat who's behaving very childishly but, just as obviously, her mother spoiled her.  She seems not only a bit unstable and attention-seeking, but also the martyr type...  No one can take advantage of you unless you let them; she could've handed the daughter a check and let her do what she wanted with it (nice wedding, tacky wedding, or better yet a down payment on a house?).  She allows herself to be used so that she can complain about it.  I, too, think three years alone with her husband (who will hopefully force her to grow up) will help.