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Topic : 02/23 Exes From Hell

Number of Replies: 552
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Created on : Friday, February 17, 2006, 03:16:40 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Everyone knows someone who’s been in a bad breakup. Dr. Phil’s guests say they’ve got ex-mates from hell! Tracie called off her wedding over a year ago, but her ex-fiancé, Dan, still won’t leave her alone. He calls every morning to say he loves her, but when he hacked into her computer and e-mailed a man she was dating, and when he broke into her house, she filed a restraining order against him. Dan says Tracie is the love of his life, and thinks they still have a chance to patch things up. Then, Stacie says her ex-husband, Ted, is making her life miserable. Since their marriage ended, she says he abandoned her and their three sons financially. Can she get Ted to step up and pay child support, or will she and the kids be out on the street? Talk about the show here.

 

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February 18, 2006, 4:56 pm CST

Can't wait to view this show!

Man, I've been waiting for a show like this for ages where they actually are talking about noncustodial parents who are not paying child support!  It sounds like Stacie and I may have been in the same predicaments.... my ex abandoned my three children back in 2002 and has basically only spoken to each of them once on the phone.  He went into hiding for about a year before the child support agency finally found him.  Now in 2006, we've been in court ever since mid 2003 when he's been found.  We're not in court over divorce or for him to try to gain more supervised visitation, but ONLY to try to lower his child support order! 

More than $20,000 later in my lawyer fees, the saga STILL continues where he's calling me telling me how much he "loves" me, yet has nothing to do with the kids.  Even worse, his mother is paying for all his lawyer fees to reduce his child support.  Yet she's had nothing to do with the kids since 1998, by her choice.  So basically, I have to fight for my children's rights at a cost that they could've had other educational opportunities afforded at the whim of their father and grandmother.  Gotta feel the love. :S

Unfortunately, my ex also has a passive/aggressive personality disorder that has been diagnosed from his doctor.  What she does only feeds into problem, not helping.  I pray this all ends soon.  Fortunately, I've had a stable job where the kids' needs have been met (but financially struggled because of the debts my ex owed and dumped on me yet hasn't repaid me) and the kids have been able to cope and thrive.   Thank God!  I'm VERY proud to say they're all honor students, very stable, well mannered, and loving kids.  They've proven that they were not going to allow him to bring them to his level.  I am truly amazed by them.  They have taught me many valuable lessons.  Hopefully, Stacie's children will thrive and rise above as well.

My financial advice if Stacie's ex isn't paying child support, research the federal statutes and her state statutes to find out what the penalties are when a noncustodial parent doesn't pay and if the statute applies to her situation, then contact her county attorney to see how they can help her.   Always be well educated when it comes to your children's rights as well as your rights, so ask questions with your local child support agency until you fully understand.  If you get brushed off, go to higher authority.  Don't be shy, you can't afford it.   Also, if he owes a portion of any possible marital debt, check the state laws on how to file judgements on what he owes.  You can take those judgements as well to garnish from his wages.

Good luck to Stacie and all those who are struggling with these same issues!


 
February 18, 2006, 9:22 pm CST

I feel for your plite

I am glad that there is a show on this.  I do not think that most people understand what it is like when one person refuses to let go.  My ex is currently fighting for unsupervised visitation with our two children.  There is supervision in place because my ex is bi-polar (unmanaged), an alcoholic/substance abuse issues and a history of domestic violence.  Both of my children have special care requirements and are special needs.  Educating the court system has at times been a battle to make them understand.  He portrays himself as the victim and the las court commissioner almost took pity on him.  She told me that I need to take responsibility for my ex refusing to see the kids.  She also told me that I need to get over this alcohol thing because he said he's well.  I held my ground with the court commissioner explaining that he had provided no proof and that he was currently on probation for violating a restraining order. 

  

I was horrified at her ignorance about substance abuse and domestic violence.  I was involved in a very unhealthy relationship with this man.  I understand why I made that horrible choice.  What most people don't understand is that you are seduced and drawn into this relationship.  I look back now and I see every calculated move.  The other subject that never comes up; is the discrimination against you for that bad choice.  The state where I live you have to really watch how you address the subject and if you look too capable as a parent your labeled a control freak.  I'm guilty of being an active parent and I am the children's advocate for the courts, health care and schooling.  That is how I am taking responsibility.  The courts do not fully grasp the ramifications of these decisions that they make.  My son is five and half years old, he loves us both.  He has nightmares about the ghost (his father) hurting us because alot of the abuse occurred in front of both of my children. He is afraid of being left and has abandonment issues.  My daughter shares the same dream.  She will point to a picture of a ghost and call it daddy. He is trying the same old tricks to lure the children into this abusive relationship.  The children do not have the ability to act in their best interest.  I was given some very good and frank advice to put two pictures on their dresser; one of their father and one with both him and them.  He told me that it would give me a good guage on how they feel about the relationship and their feelings regarding it.  My son almost immediately disposed of the picture that had both of the in it.  I haven't seen the other picture in over a year.  So, the subject of his absence from their life is only broached if one of the kids bring it up.    

  

The last time the children their father, he couldn't stop telling me what a wonderful job I was doing with the children and that he'd wish I would reconsider.  A week later in court could not slander me enough.  I have another friend who is a single mother of two children and her ex is also bi-polar;  he pops in and out of her children's lives.  Thankfully in her situation, he only pops in when he on medication and has his life in order.  She asked me once if I get child support and I laughed.  I told her that I don't care about the child support; I just want peace for me and my children.  I want to not have to worry or have them worry about the time they spend with their father.  I realize that supervised visitation limits the type of relationship that their father can have.  He is sick and in such denial of his problems that I believe that is truly the best that can be afforded to him.  The children and their needs have to come first.  

 
February 20, 2006, 6:25 pm CST

In the same boat

 I can truly relate to "gumby girl" and "beertie" and wish I could contact them and maybe get some advice because I have been in abusive relationships and was abandoned by my twins father when I became pregnant. I have been fighting for child support from that deadbeat  abuser for 15 years now. My daughters will be 16 in August and he owes thousands in back support. The state where the order is from says that they don't have the manpower to find these guys and make them pay, so in the meantime, my girls have been deprived of some basic things and I am so outraged that I have to keep fighting this and the stress from this and the other adversities I have endured has caused so many health problems that I am now on SSI. More needs to be done to find and force these deadbeats to pay, even if it means to be in jail, forced to work (like huber) and have their wages all go to the custodial parent. Then the abusive relationships I've "survived" further complicate things  financially.  My two worst  relationships caused emotional, psychological, physical, and financial damage, suffering, and scars for myself and my girls. I am an advocate for abused women and children and am contemplating starting a website to help women and children in situations like mine. I have an amazing story to tell Dr. Phil...he would be in awe if he knew my life story. Now I'm ready to share it with anyone who wants to listen. So, gumby  girl or beertie, send me some feedback if you can. I could use all the help I can get at this point. Thanks!
 
February 21, 2006, 5:24 am CST

Can't wait to see the show

Unfortunately, I have to wait until Thursday to see the show.  I am sure I will see my ex and my fiance's ex there!  Those 2 are psychological studies if I have ever seen one!!!! 

I don't know why people just can't walk away from relationships.  Why the drama?  I mean, why not just move on with your life!!!!! 

 
February 21, 2006, 8:46 am CST

My Ex from Hell

I hate hearing stories like this.   A realy ex from hell is MINE after 4 years of mental and physical torture I left but not before he hit me in back left side of my head and paralized my face forever !!  So everyday I am reminded of him even though I remarried happily.  If I see him in town I freak out and cry and get so nervous I am physically sick. 
 
February 21, 2006, 4:49 pm CST

How much time did he get?

Quote From: lguinn

I hate hearing stories like this.   A realy ex from hell is MINE after 4 years of mental and physical torture I left but not before he hit me in back left side of my head and paralized my face forever !!  So everyday I am reminded of him even though I remarried happily.  If I see him in town I freak out and cry and get so nervous I am physically sick. 

Why isn't he still in jail? 

  

  

 
February 21, 2006, 6:00 pm CST

"Dead Beat Dads"....

I am a child of a dead beat dad.  My parents seperated when I was 6 years old and from that point on my father basically paid no child support or very little, then at 8 he moved out of state to Florida and stopped paying it all together.  At this point in time the laws were very lax especially regarding out of state child support issues and my mother was unable to afford the court fees and lawyer fees to battle my father for the money.  What people forget in situations like this is what the child feels when they know that this situation is going on.  I knew my father wasn't paying child support and it made me feel like I was worthless to him and ment nothing because he didn't want to help support me or even really have anything to do with my life.  The pain I felt left lasting impressions on me and on my self-esteem.   And it took years and years for me to learn to release that anger I had developed towards him and to love him again but a part of me will always feel like I was never good enough for him because of that.  My father passed away now a year ago and I hadn't seen him since I was 9 years old though over the years I had talked to him on the phone.  And the last thing he ever said to me was not matter what happened over the years he always loved me and I would always be his baby girl, and he left me only with two things after he passed the knowledge of his love of me and how proud of me he was and a belt buckle.  I just want to say to all the mother's out there who are dealing with dead beat dads of there children don't forget what your child is feeling in this matter and keep fighting.  And for all the father's out there, Love your children and let them know that you love them because you never know if there is going to be a future to presue that in.
 
February 22, 2006, 6:43 am CST

Unfair Equitable Distribution Law

 This is a true story I am dealing with right now at this present time of writing. I have had no income  for the last two and a half months. I have written letters to all New York Senators and Congressman Michael  NcNulty. I do feel as though no one cares about my situation as I am only one individual. I have also contacted every major news agency in Albany New York and they don't seem interested either. This is  My  delemma. This is a copy of the letter I sent  out....


 

I am desperate and I feel I have no where to turn. On December 10, 2005 I received a performance of duty disability retirement from NYS Department of Corrections Services. I was a Correction Officer for nearly 19 years and was injured on the job by two different inmates in the time of my employment with the state. I am the custodial parent of my two children ages 11 and 13 and I am a single parent with only one source of income, "My Disability Retirement". I do receive child support from my former spouse in the amount of $94.50 per week though. Here is where the serious problem lies. Incorporated but not merged into my divorce is a separation agreement made on March 18, 1999 whereby my former spouse has entitlement to a 50% of a faction of my pension. In giving her a share of my pension I just became aware that I have to take a reduced amount based on the special joint allowance option according to the state's retirement system. My original pension's final average salary is based on approximately $51,047.00 annually. With the performance of duty disability I am entitled to 75% the final average salary which would be approximately $38,285.25 annually. A QDRO was prepared my Ex's attorney and signed by Supreme Court Justice Joseph Cannizzaro on May 9, 2001. These provisions were never agreed upon by me in our separation agreement, nor did I expect that I was going to have to elect to a lesser amount based on the QDRO as this language was not contained within the QDRO. Not only am I required to give her a portion of my pension (approximately 12 years) but I am required to take a reduced amount based on having to elect to take a joint allowance making her a life time beneficiary to her portion according to the terms of the retirement joint allowance election of the NYS Retirement System. In applying this reduced amount my retirement benefit in now reduced to approximately $34,977.00 annually. My Ex. spouse's entitlement will be approximately $1166.08 per month for her lifetime from my retirement benefit leaving me with approximately $20984.04 annually or approximately $1748.67 per month to support myself and my children. 

No QDRPO exists if there is such a thing as stated in the terms of our separation agreement, only. QDRO. I am aware of the Erisa's Anti-alienation rule and the requirement of a QDRO to set things in place to protect a surviving spouse. The real problem is this situation has created a huge financial burden on me as the custodial parent. No benefits have been distributed from my retirement as of yet as I have not completed the Retirement Options Election Form. I have done some research on my own and I find that she should be responsible for 25% of what she receives from my retirement benefit according to DRL - 240. Sir, It seems so unfair to the children and the custodial parent to make such a distributive award based on equitable distribution not taking into account the financial burden and the previous lifestyle the children were use with the custodial parent after the original divorce action. I think that the Family Court has erred in not making any provision, or have they in protecting the rights of the custodial parent by suspending the non custodial parents rights to equitable distribution temporarily until the children are emancipated. My Ex. spouse in healthy to the best of my knowledge and able to work without limitations while I am not. Without taking into account the financial needs of the children it make it almost impossible for the sole custodial parent to maintain the standards of the living the children were use to before this whole situation came about. I feel as though a serious injustice has occurred here and I cannot imagine that our United States House Of Representatives, The New York State Assembly or our Federal and State Justices ever took in to account that a situation like this could arise when applying Equitable Distribution Law. Please if there is an help you can lend to me in making this situation better for my children I would be deeply indebted to you. 


 

 
February 22, 2006, 11:01 am CST

ex husband

OK hows this one people. My son 17 died in Nov.,2005. His dad saw him on good years 1or2 times. He did try to send b-day cards with a $10.00 walmart card. He paid $125.00 support monthly. He didnt call but maybe 3 or4 times a year. The last contact he made with his son was one year and 3 months before he passed away. His last word then was that he hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. At the funeral I let him help with all the arragments and he was heartbroken over how things were leaft. Then he told me thanks for never ever trying to come between them and he was sorry he didnt excersize visits more. About two to 3 weeks later he decided to inform me that he deserves half of all insurance because he is the dad and that he had checked it out and I had better pay him. How is this possable? He did support my son in anyway he had no hand in his life other than $125 a month and that was the state that had it withheld from his check. It isnt like he even took the time to send it himself! So I have to give him $20,000.00. For a sperm donation 17 years ago! My son hated him for everthing he wasnt and everything he did to him. He was not nice to my boy when he did see him. I tryed to talk to my boy over and over and tell him that his dad loved him and nomatter what he was his dad, but hewouldnt hear of it he said my dad is JD thats my husband now. So any ideas how to fight this wanna be man? Or should I just pay him off to leave me alone? Will he ever let me have some peace?
 
February 22, 2006, 4:35 pm CST

don't give in!

Quote From: ma_hughes

OK hows this one people. My son 17 died in Nov.,2005. His dad saw him on good years 1or2 times. He did try to send b-day cards with a $10.00 walmart card. He paid $125.00 support monthly. He didnt call but maybe 3 or4 times a year. The last contact he made with his son was one year and 3 months before he passed away. His last word then was that he hated him and never wanted to talk to him again. At the funeral I let him help with all the arragments and he was heartbroken over how things were leaft. Then he told me thanks for never ever trying to come between them and he was sorry he didnt excersize visits more. About two to 3 weeks later he decided to inform me that he deserves half of all insurance because he is the dad and that he had checked it out and I had better pay him. How is this possable? He did support my son in anyway he had no hand in his life other than $125 a month and that was the state that had it withheld from his check. It isnt like he even took the time to send it himself! So I have to give him $20,000.00. For a sperm donation 17 years ago! My son hated him for everthing he wasnt and everything he did to him. He was not nice to my boy when he did see him. I tryed to talk to my boy over and over and tell him that his dad loved him and nomatter what he was his dad, but hewouldnt hear of it he said my dad is JD thats my husband now. So any ideas how to fight this wanna be man? Or should I just pay him off to leave me alone? Will he ever let me have some peace?
mrs.jd, first of all i am so sorry for the loss of your son. i don't think that you should have involved your babies daddy in on the funeral arrangements because, that's where his evil greedy ass came snaking his way in your business. i feel for your son's feelings towards his biological father. he was a coward while he was alive and has the audasity to take from your son after his death. don't give in to him. cut off all communication with him. i don't think your son would have wanted him to be at his funeral yet alone cash in on his death like an opportunist,greedy devil. my thoughts and prayers are with you.  god bless you. do what your son would have wanted....... a.a.
 
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