This episode of Dr. Phil aired almost for devine reasons. I just recently crashed from compulsive lying and stealing. My family and my wife got together and basically hit me with an intervention about 3 weeks ago. They are pushing me to get better, but only after bailing me out… again.
THE LIES
What kills me about lying is that it can make one problem look like 10. I’ve had my wife get mad at me for 3 or 4 different circumstances. The sad thing is that the circumstances involved are all lies created to cover up one thing. Instead of getting in trouble for one true occurrence, I’m now getting punished for 3 or 4 actions that never existed. It’s even worse when you have a really good memory like I do. I can lie, lie about lies, remember the lies, and build on them for longer periods of time. Sometimes I even accept some of my own lies as truth which is also helpful when creating a false reality. It’s like building a pyramid upside down. One lie needs to be covered by two, those two need to be covered by four, those four are covered by eight and so on. Eventually, there is too much information on that pyramid and it is going to fall one way or the other. When that happens, the truth either comes out or a suspicion is accepted as the truth. Either way, it’s not good. The hard part is coming clean. I've stolen from my parents, my wife, and borrowed from others many times without repaying. I've committed credit card fraud, written bad checks, and written checks to myself from others. I’ve broken many promises and hurt many people. Honestly (if a liar can use such a word), the good intention is always there. I want something nice for my wife, but we both know we don't have the money. I treat her to the item or service anyway, create the story of some sort of small monetary good fortune, and viola', she's happy and I've bought time to replace the missing money. The only problem is it never happens. This is just an example, but it has happened several times in my life. When the same money is missing later, instead of confessing that the previous lie was a lie, a new lie is formed for the missing money. Now it appears that twice as much money is missing, because the two lies created added gain and added spending that never occurred. Then there is a reassurance lie. “I know we are now short on money, but...” What comes after the "but" is of course another lie, but it buys more time. Believe it or not, most of the lying originates from good intentions and not for my own personal gain. In just this one example of my many wrongdoings, one good intention lead me down a path of lying and stealing. Since the lying and stealing involved both my wife and my parents I figure that’s 40% of the commandments broken. "The Road to Hell is Paved With Good Intentions."
THE MONEY
I found myself saying almost the same things Matt (on the episode of Dr. Phil) says when confronted about money. The biggest thing I could relate to was the response, "I don't know" when asked where his money was going. He got paid, yet he was not paying off his debts to his sister, and was not paying his bills, so where was the money going?? I say the exact same thing when confronted about my money. "I don't know." The startling thing is that 90% of the time, I do not know where it goes after it is gone. If I go blow several hundred dollars on electronics or something for the house, that is not so easily overlooked. I can walk through a store and end up impulse buying $5 or $10 worth of items, that are not needed and easily forgotten. Repeatedly doing this really adds up and the money is going towards things that are easily forgotten. Meals are another thing to make money disappear. I actually love to cook for me and my wife, and I'm a pretty good cook if I do say so myself. However, it is really easy for me to go blow money on a huge meal at a nice restaurant, even when I'm alone. Money spent on services is easy to lose track of when you're a very unorganized person. I love to go to sporting events. Even though there are no major sports in my area, local high school and college games cost money. $5 a ticket, $10 a ticket, 50/50 tickets, t-shirts, hats, food, gas, etc. It's so easy to spend money at a sporting event, and I know that spending the money would upset my wife, so my attendance never happens. If I'm never there I cannot get in trouble for spending the money, but where did the money go?? The worst part is, in most situations that a lie is used to cover missing money, the money is gone with nothing to show for it's absence. This can only lead people to believe that it is going towards negative things such as drugs, gambling, or infidelity. In my heart, I know that on a very small level, my wife and family feel that these things may be an issue even though I know that they are not. How do I tell them that those things are not an issue and get them to believe it? For a compulsive liar, convincing someone that the truth actually is the truth, takes much more work than persuading someone that a lie is the truth.
RECOVERING
Once you’re caught in a lie, it's not too difficult to regain someone's trust. When you are caught in a series of continuous lies, your entire life becomes a novel found in the fiction section of the library. Everyone follows the story, but they all know it is not real. Trying to rebuild that trust is having to open up, come clean, and work towards correcting past mistakes taking measures to avoid future ones. During this process, I've become a NON-FICTION book in the FICTION section of the library. Now the stories are based on fact, each page is read, but the reader still believes the story to be false. Just like this book needs references to be accepted as true, my words now require proof to be accepted as reality and not my own creation. Receipts, letters, and constantly checking in when I am out of the house are some good examples. I have no access to money that I do not need for daily living. I don't expect it to be an overnight process, so I’m not trying to make light of the situation. These are suggestions that were made to me that I am taking in order to regain trust and build a better tomorrow. All I can do is work, do above and beyond what is asked of me, and pray. However, I do not want to live in a bubble for the rest of my life worried that I’m going to make another mistake. I want to provide, not deplete. I want to relieve stress, not create it. It will take time, but it can be done. That’s what keeps me going.
There is nothing malicious in my actions. It's hard to believe you can love someone and then treat them poorly. These are the people I love the most, and I did treat them terribly, so I know it is possible. I will keep working until the next time I tell someone in my life that I love them, they believe it.
(Original Air Date: 02/24/06) "I got stuck in traffic." "The check is in the mail." "No, you don’t look fat in those jeans." Everyone fibs once in a while, right? Dr. Phil talks to compulsive liars. Libby says her brother, Matt, destroyed their family with his conning and stealing. He ran up a $300 phone bill in his mother, Ellen’s, name, stole Libby’s social security number and racked up $6,000 worth of debt. Matt says he’s ready to come clean, but Libby and Ellen say he has told so many lies, they don’t know what to believe anymore. Then, Melinda feels her 14-year-old daughter, Tricia’s, lying is out of control. Tricia lied about being pregnant, but she has never had sex. She even told the police her father “beat the crap out” of her and had him arrested! Find out what prompts her to make up so many stories. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
