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Topic : 07/05 Liar, Liar

Number of Replies: 239
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Created on : Friday, February 17, 2006, 03:18:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/24/06) "I got stuck in traffic." "The check is in the mail." "No, you don’t look fat in those jeans." Everyone fibs once in a while, right? Dr. Phil talks to compulsive liars. Libby says her brother, Matt, destroyed their family with his conning and stealing. He ran up a $300 phone bill in his mother, Ellen’s, name, stole Libby’s social security number and racked up $6,000 worth of debt. Matt says he’s ready to come clean, but Libby and Ellen say he has told so many lies, they don’t know what to believe anymore. Then, Melinda feels her 14-year-old daughter, Tricia’s, lying is out of control. Tricia lied about being pregnant, but she has never had sex. She even told the police her father “beat the crap out” of her and had him arrested! Find out what prompts her to make up so many stories. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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February 24, 2006, 9:43 am CST

i have been there

Quote From: parahort

I was beginning  to  think that I  was  the only person with a family member that behaves this way! My husband of just over 2 years has a bad  problem wiht lying!  Before we  got  married I told him  what my  boundries were.  I will not  tolerate a liar5 or a  thief!  He is both  and I  didnt see this before because he  is  such a  good  liar, but  they  gotta  sleep  sometime! It consumes a lot  of  my  energy  just staying one  step  ahead.  But I  do  the homework to  check  out  his  stories!  Once I  caught him in that  first lie!  I havent stopped!  I chack out everything  he tells  me!  And when  i  catch him theres  hell to  pay. I have dug back  far enough  to  discover that most  of this isa  result of his  childhood!  hisparentsd didnt think that telling  the  truth was a neccesity apparently.  His  father was deceased before I  meet him as is  mine.  His Mother  lives for creating  turmoil and had I have known these  things I dont  think I would have  touched  him with  a 10 foot  pole.   My parents taught  me for better or worse. I realize  that a lot of  this is a self defense mechanism. I just wish he realized that  I am not the  person heshould  have  ever lied to from the  start.  Anybody got any suggestions?  We have  been to a coiunselor .  We got  nowhere  I  think it just wasnt  the  right  match!  But she w as able  to  shed some  light on  one of his many behavior problems.  He is a borderline personality  disorder and the last counselor said he needs to  be  in an  anger managment class. Help!

i have been in your exact same spot and I held onto the "for better or worse" creed for five long agonizing years then this little switch went off in my brain that told me "he will NEVER change".  Once it was clear, I decided I did not want to live in that bondage and got out.  We have been divorced and I never regretted divorcing him once, just marrying him.  But I was so sick of the lies.  He lied about how he spent 5 dollars at the store.  He lied about stealing money from his grandma.  He lied about his 500 jobs in five years and the reason he was "fired" or "laid off", when he actually quit.  I am strong, but I am not Jesus.  I say let Jesus be Jesus and Jennie be Jennie.  It was not my job to fix a mess like that because I was niave enough to marry that liar.  Its just my job to mind my own Ps and Qs. 

  

Only your husband can fix his problems if he wants to.  Whatever you do, I wish you well because that is a terrible road to be on.  It really helps to understand where his behavior comes from, but understanding and resolving the problem are two different things.  I wish you the best and good luck!:) 

 
February 24, 2006, 9:46 am CST

HOW CAN YOU TRUST HIM?

Quote From: misnkidz

I think that lyeing becomes a way of life for some people.  My father lives his entire life based on and surrounded with lies and he thinks thats okay.  Its just the way he was made. 

My brother is like this also, but the sad thing is that none of us trust him.   His children know what he is and so does his wife so as a result my brother has no real relationship with his own family.    How old were you when you figured out he was a liar? 

 
February 24, 2006, 9:50 am CST

BE WARY

Quote From: aprilraine

" mean why do I have to be careful around others children, I/we  say things in company of others, and will say for instance that there is no Santa Claus" 

 

Just because your children haven't been brought up to 'believe' in santa clause or the tooth fairy doesn't mean that you shouldn't say there is no such thing in front of other people's children. Lets say there's a child who believes in God, and a woman who didn't bring her child up to believe in God. If that child asks you something about God would you tell them there is no such thing? This is the same thing. Perhaps you should look up the history of Santa Clause.  
     Why would you even bother telling other people (children) that santa clause isn't real? Isn't that choice for their parents? I could see you saying something like 'some people don't believe in santa clause' but to tell a child (that is not your own) that he (or his spirit) does not exist, is wrong.  

This is a difficult subject and I have an example of what happens when two families beliefs clash.    My friens daughter was at a birthday party when she was about ten and she mentioned god.    The mother of the birthday girl ask her if she was a christian and she answered yes.    The mother then told her to call home and kicked her out of the party.      The girl had to wait outside the front door until her mom came to pick her up.     Tolerance from both sides of any belief clash would be a good thing and I do not think that was any way to treat a ten year old child. 

 
February 24, 2006, 9:53 am CST

MY BROTHER

Quote From: powers009

The truth can be scary but one thing about it it's easier to remember. I have never heard of someone making up a truth to cover up a truth. Lies always come to light and when they do they destroy every bit of trust the people around you have for you. You know your father lies how much faith do you put in him and what he says?

My brother lies to cover up things and nobody will believe a word he says now because everybody knows he is not to be trusted.     It is really sad because his kids have a father that they can't trust and the rest of the family try to stay away from him because it is insulting to be lied to.    It makes us angry.      Because of this experience I agree with you that lies always come to light and they destroy trust, and that the truth is always the way to go. 

 
February 24, 2006, 10:05 am CST

ONE LIE CAN DESTROY TRUST

Here is an example from my immediate family.    My aunt had a baby when she was young and he was put up for adoption.     She kept this a secret from us all until the baby grew up and came looking for his birth mother.    The whole family then realized that she had a secret she had covered up for a long time.    She had moved away to have the baby and came home after he was born.   Nobody had ever asked her "Did you have a baby before you married Uncle Ted?" by the way.    She just neglected to mention it.    I can understand that she did not tell us because she was ashamed, but when we all found out we were hurt and confused and now don't really trust her.     She says it was none of our business, but the truth has come out now and we don't believe anything she tells us.    Nobody is upset about a new cousin in fact we welcome him, but we care about the lie.   The truth is always the best way to go because it comes out in the end anyways as Power009 has stated.   Lies are a very bad idea if you do'nt want to hurt the people close to you. 

  

My friends' mom was caught embezzling from work.    The family are very upset, not so much about the stealing.    They understand the temptation of handling money and forgive her.    They are most upset about the fact that she covered it all up and they thought she was an honest woman.   They had to re-evaluate who their own mother was and everything they had ever believed about her, someone they thought they knew back to front and trusted.     It is still hard for them. 

 
February 24, 2006, 10:31 am CST

02/24 Liar, Liar

Quote From: zitsahoy

Here is an example from my immediate family.    My aunt had a baby when she was young and he was put up for adoption.     She kept this a secret from us all until the baby grew up and came looking for his birth mother.    The whole family then realized that she had a secret she had covered up for a long time.    She had moved away to have the baby and came home after he was born.   Nobody had ever asked her "Did you have a baby before you married Uncle Ted?" by the way.    She just neglected to mention it.    I can understand that she did not tell us because she was ashamed, but when we all found out we were hurt and confused and now don't really trust her.     She says it was none of our business, but the truth has come out now and we don't believe anything she tells us.    Nobody is upset about a new cousin in fact we welcome him, but we care about the lie.   The truth is always the best way to go because it comes out in the end anyways as Power009 has stated.   Lies are a very bad idea if you do'nt want to hurt the people close to you. 

  

My friends' mom was caught embezzling from work.    The family are very upset, not so much about the stealing.    They understand the temptation of handling money and forgive her.    They are most upset about the fact that she covered it all up and they thought she was an honest woman.   They had to re-evaluate who their own mother was and everything they had ever believed about her, someone they thought they knew back to front and trusted.     It is still hard for them. 

My mom was 4 months pregnant when she married my Dad. That was a secret she kept, not that she lied about it but she didn't tell us.  When one of my sisters found herself in the same position and was feeling ashamed that her baby was born too soon after the wedding, my mom told us about her history.  I LOVED my mom for that.  I was only 16 years old, yet I perfectly understood her need to keep her and dad's private information private.  I really apreciated her disclosure when she made it because it helped my older sister (who I love) understand that her big problem was just a small blip on the screen of her life. However, I have a warm, close loving family. 

  

If a fact from your aunt's past could completely destroy the family's trust in your aunt, my bet is that you didn't have a loving family to begin with and things were just as screwed up before the disclosure as afterwards. 

 
February 24, 2006, 11:18 am CST

Another personal example- Do people change?

My boyfriend of only a few months was very serious about me, apparently. Within 9 months of dating, we had a joint cell phone bill and charge account. (Note a charge account must be paid off at the end of the month, unlike a credit card.) I thought things were fine, we had good jobs, I gave him money for my portion of these accounts. He never sent a check to either institution, until they called, ME. It turned out that I was the guarantor on all of the applications without realizing it and I was over $30,000 in debt within the first 6 months of being out of law school. His social security number wasn't even tied to the cell phone account, mine was. When I pressured him to send the checks in, he sent in checks that bounced. Then when I pressured him to rectify the checks, he would say that a store manager at the cell phone company was taking care of it or that he had a customer service rep working on it. I gradually wised up, realizing that NO ONE was actually working on anything. He gradually began paying each account, only after 2 months of hardcore pressure from me. At this point we're still over $20,000 in debt, I've done balance transfers to all of my other credit cards just to make ends meet. He's claiming he'll pay me back and pay off the rest to the creditors, but I don't hold my breath. I had him sign a promissory note for the amount he owes me so that I can become a secured creditor. But I fear that if I were to pursue a lawsuit, he would simply declare bankruptcy and leave me hanging. The worst part is, we're still dating. I can't figure out a way to make him pay without continuing to pretend to believe his lies. And they are persuasive. I find myself constantly looking in the mirror figuring out what about me, made me fall for it. My friends say "love is blind" and he even says he still wants to marry me. I just don't see how I could walk down that aisle. Do people change? That is what I keep asking myself, and I am fearful that they don't.
 
February 24, 2006, 11:19 am CST

INTERESTING TAKE

Quote From: judyblue22

My mom was 4 months pregnant when she married my Dad. That was a secret she kept, not that she lied about it but she didn't tell us.  When one of my sisters found herself in the same position and was feeling ashamed that her baby was born too soon after the wedding, my mom told us about her history.  I LOVED my mom for that.  I was only 16 years old, yet I perfectly understood her need to keep her and dad's private information private.  I really apreciated her disclosure when she made it because it helped my older sister (who I love) understand that her big problem was just a small blip on the screen of her life. However, I have a warm, close loving family. 

  

If a fact from your aunt's past could completely destroy the family's trust in your aunt, my bet is that you didn't have a loving family to begin with and things were just as screwed up before the disclosure as afterwards. 

I am happy that your family reacted so well.    I am afraid mine has not and your suggestion that we are all screwed up is completely correct.   I have a large and dysfunction fmality I am afraid.    There is not much that can be done about it at this late stage because there is too much going on and too many bad situations in the past.    I try to keep my small part as healthy as I can and have read many books on parenting and realtionships.   My sister has been through a lot and she is now trying to clean up her part of the act too. 

  

Thanks for responsign to my post and have a good day. 

 
February 24, 2006, 11:22 am CST

AT LEAST ONLY FIVE YEARS

Quote From: jennieloo

i have been in your exact same spot and I held onto the "for better or worse" creed for five long agonizing years then this little switch went off in my brain that told me "he will NEVER change".  Once it was clear, I decided I did not want to live in that bondage and got out.  We have been divorced and I never regretted divorcing him once, just marrying him.  But I was so sick of the lies.  He lied about how he spent 5 dollars at the store.  He lied about stealing money from his grandma.  He lied about his 500 jobs in five years and the reason he was "fired" or "laid off", when he actually quit.  I am strong, but I am not Jesus.  I say let Jesus be Jesus and Jennie be Jennie.  It was not my job to fix a mess like that because I was niave enough to marry that liar.  Its just my job to mind my own Ps and Qs. 

  

Only your husband can fix his problems if he wants to.  Whatever you do, I wish you well because that is a terrible road to be on.  It really helps to understand where his behavior comes from, but understanding and resolving the problem are two different things.  I wish you the best and good luck!:) 

Five years is a long time to waist but at least you didn't flog a dead horse for decades which is what my mother did.    You cannot change him and I am really glad you didn't burn your life trying.   Have a good day. 

 
February 24, 2006, 11:36 am CST

prosecute that liar!!!

Libby needs to prosecute Matt for identity theft. That's the only way she'll get her credit and her life back. Enough trying to protect him. Enough waiting for him to fix it. It won't happen. He can't fix it. She needs to prosecute him. Who cares if he's her brother. If he was a complete stranger, she'd have prosecuted him when it happened five years ago. It's time to hold him accountable. Prosecuting him for his crimes is the biggest favor she could do for him at this point, because it would force him to wake up and take responsibility. If my brother did something like that to me, he'd find himself in jail. Stop enabling this liar, Libby! Take care of yourself.
 
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