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Topic : 07/05 Liar, Liar

Number of Replies: 239
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Created on : Friday, February 17, 2006, 03:18:31 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 02/24/06) "I got stuck in traffic." "The check is in the mail." "No, you don’t look fat in those jeans." Everyone fibs once in a while, right? Dr. Phil talks to compulsive liars. Libby says her brother, Matt, destroyed their family with his conning and stealing. He ran up a $300 phone bill in his mother, Ellen’s, name, stole Libby’s social security number and racked up $6,000 worth of debt. Matt says he’s ready to come clean, but Libby and Ellen say he has told so many lies, they don’t know what to believe anymore. Then, Melinda feels her 14-year-old daughter, Tricia’s, lying is out of control. Tricia lied about being pregnant, but she has never had sex. She even told the police her father “beat the crap out” of her and had him arrested! Find out what prompts her to make up so many stories. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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February 24, 2006, 11:42 am CST

My Mother the Liar

I think Matt is the male version of my mother.  She has lied all her life!  She used my social security number to obtain credit, as well as, my brother and sister's.  I am the only one who filed a police report over the deal.  She has spent the last 10 days in jail for writing bogus checks and fraud.  Always before her parents (my grandparents) have bailed her out, paying her bills, paying hot checks, and trying to keep her out of jail.  But they are no longer able to do this.  When my brother was serving in Iraq she when around town (a very small town) and told everyone he was missing in action and all they found was his dog tags.  (A total lie!) She has admitted to telling lies to make her life look better and that she never felt like she measured up.  I am glad that she has acknowledged her problem, but it doesn't excuse it.  As far as I know she has never sought professional help for this problem.  No body in the family ever confronts her for lying.  When she tells me something that sounds untrue I usually come back to her with "I find that hard to believe".  After I found out about her stealing my identity I severed contact with her.  Until just recently I hadn't spoke with her in 10 years.  We have started tcommunicating again, but I have to admit that my heart just isn't in it.  She has lied to me so much and for long I feel that it is unlikely that she has changed.  I told her that I have forgiven her for things in the past, but I will not overlook lying.  I will not explain to my daughter that she can't believe what Grandma says when honesty and trustworthiness are important virtues in our home.  I also told her that Dr. Phil says that the "best predictor of a persons future behavior is their past behavior".  It is going to take a long time of her always telling me the truth and not catching her in lies or hearing about her lies from family members for me to let my guard down.   

  

  

 
February 24, 2006, 11:52 am CST

02/24 Liar, Liar

I have been a compulsive liar for my entire life.   

  

When I was in grade school, it was for adult approval.  In middle and high school, it was for peer approval.  In college and beyond it was for self-approval.  The common element that ties all these things together is that at the heart of it, I have always known that when it comes down to it that am just that pathetic. 

  

It is painful for me to know that I lie without even thinking, and am even shocked at what it is I'm saying.  It's horrifying to me that I can't always remember what has actually happened, and what I've constructed as having happened.  It's embarassing to me that on top of the fact that I am one of those losers that wishes I was better than what I am, that I have to add the title of pathological liar to that.   

  

I have lost several relationships because of this problem.  And there's been times, looking back, that I allowed myself to sabotage the relationship because I didn't deserve it.   

  

I move about every year or so because I have to start over-- not because I've been "exposed" but because I there's no going back-- I can no longer face the people I've lied to even if they don't know I've lied to them-- or haven't confronted me.   

  

The times when I've been most open about this problem, I've rightfully faced judgement, I've lost the relationship/friendship, and have just felt more isolated by this disease.  I often feel that I should be put away in some kind of mental facility-- to keep from doing so much harm to others and to at least do some damage control. 

 
February 24, 2006, 11:57 am CST

The Truth Will Come Out

I've had two compulsive liars in my life. 

  

One was a friend who lied to men about herself.  For just one example, she hated children, went totally nutso when she was forced to listen to a crying child for a few minutes, but when dating a man who wanted children, she not only swore she "looooooooved" them, but also told him she was a decade younger so he wouldn't question when a 40-something woman would have time to give birth to the four children he wanted.  Her only goal was to get married to a rich man, and she'd say whatever it took to get there.  She stopped speaking to me when I told her I would not be any part of lying to her boyfriend. 

  

The other one lied to me about his work history, to make him sound like a better marital prospect, and after we got married, lied constantly about what he had done, what he had spent, etc.  He said he did it to avoid confrontation.  It NEVER sank in that I would be less angry if he simply admitted "I didn't get to the post office today" than I was when, a month after Christmas, I found the Christmas presents still in the trunk. 

  

When we got divorced, he submitted several documents full of lies to the court.  If it was to his advantage to say he lived alone, then he lived alone.  But on other paperwork where it was to his advantage to have higher expenses, he had a roommate who he was fully supporting.  These totally-opposite papers were signed just a day apart! 

  

Like Matt's Mom, his dad was constantly bailing him out of the messes he created with his unrestrained spending.  Shortly before his dad remarried, Stepmom-to-Be overheard a conversation asking for a couple hundred bucks and told Dad "you're not helping".  Dad argued that he could afford to, until she finally got it through that she was not forbidding him from handing over the money, she was telling him that his 40-something son was never going to grow up if he never learned the consequences of spending beyond his means.   His Dad had never looked at it that way before. 

  

Unfortunately, by then it was too late.  He'd already gotten used to the lifestyle he could afford with credit cards, and if his dad wasn't going to help pay his bills, he'd use Visa to pay MasterCharge, and when that was maxed out, he'd take out new credit cards to get cash advances to pay the old ones.  He wound up in bankruptcy court, with $18,000 in income and over $100,000 in debts (almost all of it run up while I was paying our rent, utilities and groceries -- thus, his credit card debt was non-essentials like restaurant meals, CDs, etc.)   

  

Because the judge didn't order him into a repayment plan, a year later, he was already in serious financial trouble again, because all he learned from the experience was that he could buy anything he wanted and never pay for it. 

  

The day after I dumped my ex, he was in a car dealership with some woman pretending to be me, trying to get a loan in both names for a top-of-the-line totally-tricked-out model before the divorce got into the credit reports!!!!!!  Thank God, the car salesman thought it was a little unusual that his "wife" didn't know the name and address of her own employer, and actually called my office to verify employment before he'd approve the loan.  Just another ploy to get me to pay for something he wanted and couldn't afford, and knew that I'd never agree to. 

  

They tell you to guard your Social Security Number with your life, to prevent identity theft.  Unfortunately, that doesn't help when the thief can get it off your joint tax return. 

  

Like the other poster, having been through this with a husband who you're supposed to be able to trust implicitly, I don't know that I can ever trust anyone completely again. 

 
February 24, 2006, 11:58 am CST

Mourning for the truth

Quote From: zitsahoy

My brother lies to cover up things and nobody will believe a word he says now because everybody knows he is not to be trusted.     It is really sad because his kids have a father that they can't trust and the rest of the family try to stay away from him because it is insulting to be lied to.    It makes us angry.      Because of this experience I agree with you that lies always come to light and they destroy trust, and that the truth is always the way to go. 

It is a shame that we have stopped emphasizing the importance of the truth. Once upon a time we could walk up to someone and give our word and a hand shake and that was good enough. A mans word used to be his bond. These days we have to have lawyers and contracts even marriage has to be under contract. Oh how I mourn for the good old days when people could take a stand on their word and not worry about the carpet of lies being pulled out from underneath them.
 
February 24, 2006, 12:10 pm CST

Too familiar

I'm writing to keep myself out of the refrigerator. Today's show, especially the girl who lied to the police is like watching home movies. My daughter reported to her school that the bruise on her arm came from her father. That afternoon we received a phone call from Child Protective Services and they had removed our children from school and taken them from us. The children were returned in less than 24 hours with everyone admitting that it was improbable but the record is still there and the damaged done. Our daughter convinced two different school she went to that she was pregnant, that we were getting a divorce and that I was very sick. The security officer and assistant principal at her school said she was the best liar they had ever encountered. Our daughter is 19 now, living a dangerous lifestyle and close to ending our support. She has unsafe sex, gets into fights with other women that leave beaten and with bite marks. She has stolen from us, let others steal our checks and empty our bank account, threatened me with a hammer, broken into our home, emptied her college savings account and generally mistreated at sometime the entire family. Several times we have tried to have her arrested, but it never happened. (which totally disillusioned her counselor as the deputy was there in her office, heard that our just-returned runaway daughter threatened to beat me up as soon as we got home, but he could and would do nothing unless she put her hands on me.) She's had years of counseling, outpatient drug counseling (put always had clean drug tests as she said she knew how to cheat) and we've tried several medications to control depression and perhaps bipolar disorder. We've given her the deadline for our support. She needs to attend classes and pass her classes or she is on her own, totally... which breaks my heart as she will eventually be on the street. But I will not enable her..I will not feel guilty --OK I feel guilty, but know its the right thing to do.
 
February 24, 2006, 12:18 pm CST

Big Difference

Quote From: zitsahoy

Here is an example from my immediate family.    My aunt had a baby when she was young and he was put up for adoption.     She kept this a secret from us all until the baby grew up and came looking for his birth mother.    The whole family then realized that she had a secret she had covered up for a long time.    She had moved away to have the baby and came home after he was born.   Nobody had ever asked her "Did you have a baby before you married Uncle Ted?" by the way.    She just neglected to mention it.    I can understand that she did not tell us because she was ashamed, but when we all found out we were hurt and confused and now don't really trust her.     She says it was none of our business, but the truth has come out now and we don't believe anything she tells us.    Nobody is upset about a new cousin in fact we welcome him, but we care about the lie.   The truth is always the best way to go because it comes out in the end anyways as Power009 has stated.   Lies are a very bad idea if you do'nt want to hurt the people close to you. 

  

My friends' mom was caught embezzling from work.    The family are very upset, not so much about the stealing.    They understand the temptation of handling money and forgive her.    They are most upset about the fact that she covered it all up and they thought she was an honest woman.   They had to re-evaluate who their own mother was and everything they had ever believed about her, someone they thought they knew back to front and trusted.     It is still hard for them. 

Have you told your aunt everything you've done wrong in your life?  Have you circulated a list to your entire family about all the mistakes you've made?  I'm betting you have a few moments you're less than proud of that you don't advertise - we all do, and being truthful does not require broadcasting private mistakes.   

  

There is a huge difference between lying to your family, and not telling them about a painful event in your life that you might feel ashamed of.  Your aunt is right - the fact that she had a baby when she was young is NONE of your business.   She wasn't trying to hurt anyone in your family, she was trying to keep a private matter private, probably to protect herself from an extremely judgemental family.  If you can't see the difference between her actions and the hurtful lies that were discussed on the show then you have a hell of a lot of growing up to do.   

  

  

  

  

 
February 24, 2006, 12:25 pm CST

02/24 Liar, Liar

I have been a compulsive liar for my entire life.   

  

When I was in grade school, it was for adult approval.  In middle and high school, it was for peer approval.  In college and beyond it was for self-approval.  The common element that ties all these things together is that at the heart of it, I have always known that when it comes down to it that am just that pathetic. 

  

It is painful for me to know that I lie without even thinking, and am even shocked at what it is I'm saying.  It's horrifying to me that I can't always remember what has actually happened, and what I've constructed as having happened.  It's embarassing to me that on top of the fact that I am one of those losers that wishes I was better than what I am, that I have to add the title of pathological liar to that.   

  

I have lost several relationships because of this problem.  And there's been times, looking back, that I allowed myself to sabotage the relationship because I didn't deserve it.   

  

I move about every year or so because I have to start over-- not because I've been "exposed" but because I there's no going back-- I can no longer face the people I've lied to even if they don't know I've lied to them-- or haven't confronted me.   

  

The times when I've been most open about this problem, I've rightfully faced judgement, I've lost the relationship/friendship, and have just felt more isolated by this disease.  I often feel that I should be put away in some kind of mental facility-- to keep from doing so much harm to others and to at least do some damage control. 

 
February 24, 2006, 12:31 pm CST

Liar

This man is not a liar he is a thief.  He belongs in jail.  This is the only way to fix him.  One year from now he will still be lying to everyone/anyone who comes in contact with him.  His sister will never get her credit rating back. 
 
February 24, 2006, 1:02 pm CST

OMG! Our tv has the same show as yestedays show! I really can't watch the silly ex's fighting again.

I wonder why my tv has the same show as yesterdays.  Well, I guess I am turning off the tv and cleaning house. Darn. Did this happen to anyone else??
 
February 24, 2006, 1:10 pm CST

ones a liar always a liar

well this almost the same I have a brother that it constely ling, not to me but my parents and it very sad because I open my home and he lied and abust my children. I put a oder protection so like that I could protect them. It's so sad because it affect every one in the family and the someime even your onw family does not belive you. So I do know how much it breaks a family. 
 
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