Topic : 06/12 On the Outs With In-Laws

I would have never talked to my mother inlaw the way the DIL did. My mother inlaw kept me crying all the time with her controlling behavior but I had respect for her regardless. I knew she was my husband's mother and even though she butted in where she shouldn't, I talked about  the issue to my husband instead of lashing out at his Mom. I guess I had respect for him for being the son.

  

We moved away so we could have peace and would make sense for this family but DIL refuses to do so. I didn't lash out at my mother inlaw and I didn't try to come between her and her son.  

  

Fighting back only adds to the problem.. 

This mother-in-law may or may not be crazy, but I certainly have a daughter-in-law who is crazy.  When she first starting dating my son she told me she didn't think he needed anyone but her and her family and she would make 100% sure that is what would happen.  She has caused trouble for everyone in the family and now my son is totally disconnected from his sister and her family.  When they had been seeing each other for just a few months she rang me and said, "I have just had an abortion, so that is one grandchild you will never see!"  These are just a couple of things she has said to me, always on the phone when my son was not there.  She lies to me and about me, she also lies about everyone else in the family.  I don't think my son believes all she says but because he is so "IN LOVE" he goes along with everything she says.  We were not invited to their wedding and have had our beautiful grandchildren kept from us for most of their little lives.  I have stopped trying to make things right and now just go with the flow and enjoy anytime we do happen to see our little ones.

might help save the marriage....it might be worth it if it is possible to move farther away if at least away from the smaller town and at least  2-3 hours or more. She could still get supervised visits and you'd have a breather. I can't see the marriage continuing like this. Make some plans. Get ready, call the moving truck  and head  out ot Dodge. Maybe schedule an "extra long" Counselling session for her and when she comes out..............gone!!!!!:>)  Or send her on a seniors bus trip or vacation and split while she's away. That is what she really needs -activities and a life of her own and people her own age. The counselling is definitely needed for everyone but  man, I'd  want to duct tape Grandma and give myself a 24 hour start before I called someone to let her loose........:>) PS> Don't really do that.

I hate to see so many problems with in-laws.  This problem presented itself in our home soon after my husband and I married in 1991.  Our first approach was to just say nothing and just let things fly for the sake of getting along.  That lasted until about 1993, we were at the point of divorce.  Things cleared up for a while, once my husband realized I was ready to leave because of his mother.  Soon after our twins were born in 1994 the problem was back bigger than ever.  Since then it has continued to grow and now involves all of his family, brother, sister-in-law, etc....We have tried to suggest family counseling, we were told no.  We tried to sit down and talk gently to his mother, that didn't work.  We have tried to be honest about what we feel the problems are, the mother-in-law replied she just didn't understand what we were saying.  After that I wrote her a very lengthly letter and put in all into very plain, even blunt, English.  She got angrier than ever and started to deny all of the things, even things previously confessed to. 

  

We have had phone calls for my husband from other women, we confronted his mother, those stopped.  We have had hang up phone calls, even at my parents house.  He told his mom we all got caller ID those calls stopped.  His mother has admitted to mailing mail from our home town with our names on the address, cards and stuff that she has written and signed our name to.  They don't see a problem with this.  She went to my pediatricians office and tried to get information on our children.  The nurse notified me at one of our visits.  They make frequent trips by our home, or they have some else check up on us and then they call us and questions us about what they have seen or heard.  I could fill pages with the stunts that the in-laws have pulled, and then almost bragged to us about.  We mind our own business, we do not initiate any contact with any of them.  We have even requested that the brother and his wife not contact us.  Out of the blue we will get a nasty email from them.  The mother-in-law will make a phone call and finally get around to trying to get information. I have been accused of wanting my husband dead (that's not true), I have been accused of trying to harm my children because I breast fed them.  I have been accused of having an affair and getting pregnant.  I have been accused of using four kids to trap my husband and the list goes on and on. All of the accusations are untrue, except for the fact that I did breast feed the babies.  However, they say that I am the problem in the family. 

  

I can tell you after fourteen years of this my husband has seen the truth.  He has realized what's important to him.  I believe that our marriage, despite the attempt to sabotage it, is stronger than ever.  We did almost give up on the marriage.  We had, at times, wondered if it was worth the trouble we have gone through.  Then we look at our four wonderful children and decide that nothing is more important than our family of six.  We do wish that the in-law problems could be worked out but we don't really think it will be so we go on with our life the best we can. 

Ya - were you watching the same show? The DIL had every right to be angry with her MIL because she's a meddling old bag. And didn't you hear the mother call her son a "wuss"? Something tells me that she's made a habit of humiliating her son his entire life; and if she truly loved her son, then she wouldn't be putting down his wife, either. 

  

I think that Janice is addicted to the drama she's created with her son because she needs something to keep her juices flowing. I think it's time Janice found a different hobby. 

 If I can only be half as good a mother in law as my mother was, I will feel like I was a success.  My mother was almost a saint.  She was unhappy with me when I wanted to get married when I was only 18, and hubby was barely 19, but she always supported us (not monetarily).  She was wonderful with my brother and sister's spouses, as well.  We have all been married 39-46 yrs now.  Each of our mates was treated as if they were born into the family.  Her opinions were never offered unless they were asked for, and her praise flowed freely.  She died two years ago at the age of 94, and is missed by all three of her offspring, and all three of their mates, as well as all of her grandchildren.

Well, I feel like I am in a similar situation, except that I would never do the things your DIL has done, I am more like the DIL a few messages before that stated that she talked to her husband and did not lash out at his mother. 

  

But I do feel that the tension between my husband's mother and I is very straining for him.  I tried everything in the book to get her to like me.  I bought a house near his mother and he came home on a 2 week leave from Iraq to do the move, but while I was up here visiting to see the house I stayed with them and I was polite, and even did the dishes after she cooked.  I feel like I've been forced in the position I am in.  I don't know where her hostility came from, but I know his mother and sister are gossips and some stuff was started while he lived with me and his sister stayed for a month, 2 weeks he was even gone on AT for army.  I kept his sister from running around with a black man that was like 15-20 years older than her, she was 15-16 years old, so I think that pissed her off.  Also, I am very passionate so I get angry easily and she had seen me go off, which I had reactions to narcotics for my militay injury that was making me very violent.  There are some things I don't even like about myself, but he married me knowing everything and they should not meddle in our business.  But I cry and I've lost my mind with this crap, especially when I moved 6 hours away from all my friends and family.  My parents are in the merchant marines and are not easily contacted.  I had no one to talk to and he was in Iraq, they attacked me non stop...especially his aunt!   

  

I would do anything to be friends with his mother, but if I was not his wife and she was just some person I bumped in to in town, I would not be her friend.  She is controlling, and manipulative, and hurtful, and still continues her life as if she was in highschool.  His mother, sister and aunt are outragious in public.  I've never seen such horribly mannered people.  His sister yelling out to people they are fat, burping and farting in public, shes a pretty girl I dont know what's wrong with her.  His mother says "what The **** you looking at " when men check her out.  His aunt is just insane all the time!  His aunt doesn't want to be called fat but she is the first to call someone else it.  My grandmother was a southern bell, and I came from money and I was even disowned at 13 years old for being upset about eatting at a smoke filled retaurant in Mexico by my grandmother.  So seeing people like his family blows me away and is embarrassing but I just tell his sister to calm down and laugh to ease my disgust.  Her daughter and her are so much alike its scary.  I think my MIL is having a hard time adjusting to her aging, she is skinny, decent pretty, and obsessed with her appearance.  Other than some things we have in common, she and I are very different when it comes to life.  I see her as one of those highschool girls that ran around with the perfect hair and after guys.  Me, in highschool, I was a tomboy, I played male varsity football, was in honor and college prep classes, JROTC, BAND, and only seriously dated 3 guys my highschool years, HER SON INCLUDED!  My first boyfriend was an obsession from JR High, Gary was the real thing, and the next guy I dated over a year and maybe saw 4 times because his mother thought I wasnt CHRISTIAN enough.  With the later I do appreciate that my MIL is mine because the last guys mom was a nightmare. 

  

But I do believe the comment someone made is that mother son relationships are pretty sick.  My own mother on the other hand is awesome, she has taken in my brothers soon to be ex wife and treated her like her own, until my SIL wrecked their car with a lawsuit pending, and then mom is really good to my brothers new girlfriend.  My mother has always been reserved, not in the old fashion sense, but in the sense that she doesnt like confict and knows there are no winners when others meddle in other peoples marriage. 

  

I did not even know my mother and father hated my first husband, even when I was crying saying I was coming home, she never said a bad thing, just said the porch lights on. 

  

I just don't know what to do. 

I've always loved the saying, "if you dance with the devil, it doesn't change the devil, it changes you."  I wouldn't dance with any of these three.  There is such an under tow of cruelty among them.  There is such a tsunami of psychological violence among them.

How is the DIL supposed to act?  How would you act if you were on the hot seat, in your own home for so long?     

None of the bad behavior perpetrated by the MIL was done in her home.  The MIL went to the home of the DIL to spew her venom.   

I dare anyone of your secondary family to re-arrange your furniture, read your mail,  give you orders on house cleaning, or threaten you!! 

Then you would know how it feels to be assaulted in your own home. 

The DIL is "shell shocked", give her some room to breathe! 

 I must have one of the most wonderful mother in laws possible.  Even though I have been difficult or had my moments of almost unbearable attitudes, my mother in law has always seen the best in me.  She has always been there to support us not judge us, neither my wife nor I get any preferential treatment, her opinions are honest and candid with a true heart.  She has often remained silent so as not to cause any friction and I admire her greatly.  She has had occasion to lose it but those moments have been very seldom.  I see her as an inspiration and model to follow.  My wife comes from a German, Italian, Spanish heritage and she is the epitomy of those cultures, very passionate in everything she does and sometimes that is seen by others as arrogance but I look at my mother in law and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I can honestly say that my mother in law is a motivation for me to endure some of the personality differences my wife and I suffer from time to time.  I personally do not enjoy conflict and try to avoid it however I do not run from it either, this in itself can be a catylist to disagreement in itself, however I look at my mother in law and see a quietly powerful woman and often use her example in resolving issues we face in our married life.  I am proud and blessed to have the mother in law that I have and could ask for no better.  It is my strong belief that children should take care of their parenst as they age and I am certain that caring for my mother in law as years pass and she needs care will be a joy.