Topic : 08/08 Cheaters

Quote From: trooperbug

I wish I could say my husband doesn't care about our daughter. He is in over-compensation mode. She told me that she thinks he's gone way over the top in being "so mushy." She finds it false because she doesn't see anything being lavished on me. I agree that to be faithful in a relationship, you have to put the emphasis on the other person. However, I think that's incredibly difficult in a person with low self-esteem when they can never get enough love because they're so empty of love of themselves. My husband seems to be borderline in this respect, veering from self-doubt to being confident in himself. The only thing he seems to have decided now is that the best way to deal with his negative feelings about me is to withdraw, live his life separately in the spare bedroom, wait until "I" change, then decide to get closer. He says this situation happened because I withdrew from him for years and his resentment shows. It's my responsibility to say I did and with the proviso that his stresssed out anger caused me to be fearful and go out to work in order to escape his anger that was targeted right at me. There is a gulf of misinterpretation on both our parts and I don't know how to breach it, especially since he refuses any more counselling. The last time we went, he felt the counsellor was being hard on him, trying to get at his shortcomings only. (Might it be - because he chose to cheat??! Duh!) Anyway, I'm reading Dr. Phil's book, "Life Strategies" and doing a lot of hard self-examination. Maybe my position will change and I'll recover the me that was lost in the aftermath of my husband's infidelities.

Quote From: dewaele

Dealing with cheating is simple as far as I'm concerned.  No turning back, no negotiating, nothing.  I do not believe cheating can be reconciled, and I would end my relationship immediately if there was infidelity (as I have in the past).  Its not up for discussion, and I don't understand how people can feel otherwise. I could never allow a cheater to lay a hand on me ever again. I would be interested in hearing an opinion on the subject that differs from mine- unless its to tell me some "for the sake of the children" story.  I would never want to set an example for my children that infidelity is acceptable.  I think having children is MORE of a reason to split up if there is infidelity- show them how unacceptable it really is.

Quote From: elwood

It's not that easy if you have years of happy memories with your Significant Other, especially if they get down on their hands and knees and beg and say that they can change.  It's hard to turn your back on someone that you donated years of your life to and just walk away.

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all- 

  

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city. 

  

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me. 

  

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this...... 

  

......until December. 

  

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night. 

  

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married....... 

  

Bad move. 

  

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"...... 

  

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't. 

  

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.   

  

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened. 

  

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do..... 

  

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget. 

  

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts- 

  

  

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all- 

  

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city. 

  

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me. 

  

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this...... 

  

......until December. 

  

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night. 

  

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married....... 

  

Bad move. 

  

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"...... 

  

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't. 

  

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.   

  

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened. 

  

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do..... 

  

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget. 

  

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts- 

  

  

Quote From: elwood

It's not that easy if you have years of happy memories with your Significant Other, especially if they get down on their hands and knees and beg and say that they can change.  It's hard to turn your back on someone that you donated years of your life to and just walk away.

Quote From: trooperbug

I recently found suspicious evidence that my husband of 22 years may be cheating.... again. He moved out of our bedroom in December into the spare room, but wouldn't say why. He's been verbally abusive since last summer and I couldn't take it any more so I left to stay with friends in Dalls for two weeks after Christmas. He called every day I was away with our daughter. Go figure.The credit card bills showed parking fees at the airport and a seafood restaurant charge on Valentine's Day. He gave me nothing for Valentine's day, just wished me a happy one. The evidence I found was on the passenger side floor of my car that he's been using to drive to work. It was a small red satin heart with "I love you" on it. Neither my daughter or I had been in the car all week since Valentine's Day. It was as much as finding a love letter in his shirt pocket the way I found out about the other affair. Previously, he had conducted a cybersex affair that included phone sex with a married woman he'd met through work. He swore up and down he'd go to counselling and try hard to be a family, but we didn't finish counselling and we never learned why he conducted his affairs online in the first place. Obviously, that continues to be his problem. Now, he's been verbally abusive, angers easily and tries to blame and call me names as if he's trying to justify his infidelity. I've got his number, though. I'm so crushed that he changed so radically after the birth of our daughter 14 years ago that I hardly know this is the man I married. Although I have that image in my mind and love it, I realise now, he's not that person any more. I doubt very much that he'll get over his denial and face who and what he really is. I'm feeling the loss intensely now but I hope I can get over it so I can move on with my life. All advice on how to do that is welcome!