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Topic : 08/08 Cheaters

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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:27:05 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 03/01/06) What can you do if your spouse has a cheating heart? Rick’s wife, Kandice, cheated on him less than a year ago, and he suspects she's at it again. Is Rick just being paranoid, or is Kandice not telling the whole truth? Find out when Dr. Phil reveals what he caught on camera. Then, Arianna thought she had it all: a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids and a happy marriage ... until recently when the ugly truth came out in a shocking way. How did she find out about her husband's philandering? Can he learn to be faithful? Dr. Phil has strong words to set him straight. With a dark cloud of lies, deceit and infidelity hanging over a relationship, can you ever trust a cheater again? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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February 28, 2006, 7:52 pm CST

Hope

Quote From: trooperbug

I wish I could say my husband doesn't care about our daughter. He is in over-compensation mode. She told me that she thinks he's gone way over the top in being "so mushy." She finds it false because she doesn't see anything being lavished on me. I agree that to be faithful in a relationship, you have to put the emphasis on the other person. However, I think that's incredibly difficult in a person with low self-esteem when they can never get enough love because they're so empty of love of themselves. My husband seems to be borderline in this respect, veering from self-doubt to being confident in himself. The only thing he seems to have decided now is that the best way to deal with his negative feelings about me is to withdraw, live his life separately in the spare bedroom, wait until "I" change, then decide to get closer. He says this situation happened because I withdrew from him for years and his resentment shows. It's my responsibility to say I did and with the proviso that his stresssed out anger caused me to be fearful and go out to work in order to escape his anger that was targeted right at me. There is a gulf of misinterpretation on both our parts and I don't know how to breach it, especially since he refuses any more counselling. The last time we went, he felt the counsellor was being hard on him, trying to get at his shortcomings only. (Might it be - because he chose to cheat??! Duh!) Anyway, I'm reading Dr. Phil's book, "Life Strategies" and doing a lot of hard self-examination. Maybe my position will change and I'll recover the me that was lost in the aftermath of my husband's infidelities.
I read your message and my heart just went out to you!  I have been there and it is so painful.  He is trying to blame you for cheating, you know what, he is responsible for his actions, not you.  If he was unhappy with you, he has a mouth, he should use it.  He cheated because of how he feels about himself, not about you.  Take care of yourself, you are not alone!
 
March 1, 2006, 12:25 am CST

03/01 Cheaters

Quote From: dewaele

Dealing with cheating is simple as far as I'm concerned.  No turning back, no negotiating, nothing.  I do not believe cheating can be reconciled, and I would end my relationship immediately if there was infidelity (as I have in the past).  Its not up for discussion, and I don't understand how people can feel otherwise. I could never allow a cheater to lay a hand on me ever again. I would be interested in hearing an opinion on the subject that differs from mine- unless its to tell me some "for the sake of the children" story.  I would never want to set an example for my children that infidelity is acceptable.  I think having children is MORE of a reason to split up if there is infidelity- show them how unacceptable it really is.
I have to agree with you COMPLETELY!  I too have ended past relationships because of infidelity.  I know I deserve to be respected and I won't accept anything less.  My husband and I have both been cheated on and therefore know what kind of pain it can cause.   I would not stay together for the children either.  In my case it would do them more harm than good because I wouldn't be able to forgive him and my children would see the lack of respect.  I want my children to know that they deserve to be loved and treated with respect and that they don't have to and shouldn't settle.  Respect me or be gone is how I feel. 
 
March 1, 2006, 12:32 am CST

03/01 Cheaters

Quote From: elwood

It's not that easy if you have years of happy memories with your Significant Other, especially if they get down on their hands and knees and beg and say that they can change.  It's hard to turn your back on someone that you donated years of your life to and just walk away.
For me, the memories would all seem like a lie.  My husband is my very best friend, thats actually how we started, and if I found out he was cheating I would always wonder if the goods times we had in the past were him kissing a** for screwing some woman earlier.  From reading the posts it's obvious that everyone looks at things in a different way and that every situation is unique.  I think if someone decides to stay with a cheater they shouldn't be able to throw it in their face later.  Either forgive or get out of the relationship.
 
March 1, 2006, 12:42 am CST

Leave Arianna!

Arianna should leave her loser husband.  Not only has he been constantly cheating, he has been putting her life in danger.    She made the mistake of trusting that unprotected sex with her husband would be safe, as it should.  What would he tell his kids if he brought home HIV to their mom?  It's embarrassing enough to have to get treated for an STD, but it's even more embarrassing to have to go get treated and tell them you got it from your spouse.
 
March 1, 2006, 3:24 am CST

Better to know the truth now

My hope if for Arianna to step back and take a good long, hard, look at her situation.  She is young and beautiful and has the future in front of her.  Better to learn about this man's ways now than another 25 years down the road.  If you truly believe your husband wants to change, he needs to do what Dr. Phil says and be 100% open and honest and work on this UNTIL. . . . . .    Also, watch the in-laws,  they are a major influence on your man and his beliefs.  I wish I had understood better how much of an effect they have on his life.  A great step is his coming to the show against his Father's advice. 

  

Believe in your intuition.  I let my husband talk his way out of so many things, I just don't trust myself anymore to believe anything.  One time, about six years ago, I woke up in the middle of the night after having a dream that he cheated on me.  I woke him up out of a deep sleep and asked him if he had.  He didn't have time to fabricate a lie (I just recently learned) and so actually told the truth that he had.  I actually continued sleeping in the same bed that night.  Don't ever let that happen to you. 

  

I gave up my career life to raise our daughter and found out when she was eight that my husband had cheated with one of our best friends five years prior.  He was able to hide that from me while we, as a family, still saw this person several times a week, and he worked everyday with her husband.  He told me it would never happen again and I believed him.   

  

Now, after 27 years of marriage I found out this has been going on for about 24 years, since before our daughter was a year old.  Many, many women over the time, he justifying most  of them by saying there was no intercourse.  He came clean about everything, he says.  How can I ever believe him again, our whole life together has been a lie.  He says he is sorry and wants our marriage to work.  What marriage?  I still have this dream in my head about the man I thought I married, but the reality is he never was that man.  Now I'm 45, never had a full time career except being a Mom, have no retirement plan except for a small IRA, and am looking at fully supporting myself for the first time in my life.   

  

Don't be the fool I was, get a retirement plan working for you.  Establish your own credit and stay connected with a career path you enjoy.  Don't be dependent on the man in your life, and maintain those female relationships that we too often put aside for our man.  They can be invaluable when you have questions.   My heart goes out to you and all in your situation. 

 
March 1, 2006, 3:30 am CST

03/01 Cheaters

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all- 

  

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city. 

  

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me. 

  

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this...... 

  

......until December. 

  

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night. 

  

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married....... 

  

Bad move. 

  

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"...... 

  

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't. 

  

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.   

  

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened. 

  

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do..... 

  

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget. 

  

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts- 

  

  

It sounds like you're more in love with the feeling you got from this other guy as opposed to actually loving him. The caveat to that is that if you continue to seek this feeling outside of your marriage, you'll never be able to fully appreciate it because it will always be coupled with guilt and heartache, which will always outweigh the "good" feeling.  

  

Sounds like you need to re-connect with yourself as a person, and re-connect with your husband as a person as well. But remember, everyone can easily get caught up in the "day to day" cycle, but you and your husband both have a responsibility to occasionally call a time out to plug back in to the marriage. 

  

It's good that you are in counseling to work through this...but remember that cheating is a concious choice, not something that we just "let" happen. This being the case, you may indeed have to one day face the reality that your husband may or may not leave if he finds out, and he will have the right to do so. You owe it to yourself, your husband, and your children to figure out what was missing within yourself that caused you to do this, then it is your responsibility to address it. 

  

PS: I learned long ago to never pass judgement on anyone, because if I did I would inevitably find myself in a similar situation! This is karma at work, believe me....life's way of teaching us lessons. It's your job to learn the life lesson in this so you don't make future choices that lead to unhappiness. Good luck! 

 
March 1, 2006, 3:34 am CST

Cheaters

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all- 

  

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city. 

  

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me. 

  

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this...... 

  

......until December. 

  

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night. 

  

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married....... 

  

Bad move. 

  

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"...... 

  

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't. 

  

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.   

  

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened. 

  

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do..... 

  

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget. 

  

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts- 

  

  

Hi,  

  

       I am new to the board also. Your message touched me very deeply, as it could have been written mostly about my husband. I recently found out about his "affair of the heart". That's why I am on the boards. To try and understand this process I never thought I would go through. I hope it is his midlife crisis. We should be celebrating our 25th anniversary this month, and I can handle the sex part, it is the emotional connection, the talking on the phone for 60  hours a month. I wish you well on your journey through this, as I am finding it a very scary and tough process. 

  

  

  

 
March 1, 2006, 4:22 am CST

can forgive....just can't forget

 I divorced my first H,22 yrs ago over his infidelities. I saw the world as very black and white,cut and dried back then.....so it was all very "HOW COULD YOU?!!" lol,I found out,I packed the kids up and we left,never doubted it was the only thing to do.

I've since discovered (after leaving my heretofore protected bubble  of a life,lol) that the real world is full of grays and multi colored kaliedescopes,no one is perfect ...least of all ME,lol.  Even so,while I may have matured to the point of being able to understand people face temptations everyday,and that  even the best of us can fall sometimes....I still have "zero tolerance" on the issue of INFIDELITY.  I've never cheated on a partner. If I am unhappy I tell them,if it can't be worked out I leave them...but I WILL NOT cheat on them.

It may sound funny considering that hard line I have on infidelity,but I can actually  understand how  it could happen,and can even find it in my heart to forgive. Forgetting on the other hand,I know me well enough to say,can't do it.   It would still definitely be the death knell of the romantic end of any relationship..........I'm just grown up enough now not to run you over with a buick,LOL.
 
March 1, 2006, 4:44 am CST

think again

Quote From: elwood

It's not that easy if you have years of happy memories with your Significant Other, especially if they get down on their hands and knees and beg and say that they can change.  It's hard to turn your back on someone that you donated years of your life to and just walk away.
I screwed up and had an affair. I was lucky I got a second chance. Since we reconciled we have had 2 more children, built a life and enjoyed each other.  Is it perfect?  No. Is your marriage perfect.  I have talked to many people who regret having an affair.  Their spouse left them and they went on to rebuild their lives with other people. The cheaters did change.  Wouldn't it be better if the 1st spouse gave them a second chance?  We made it despite people like you.  I am here to say others can too.
 
March 1, 2006, 4:54 am CST

Sorry

Quote From: trooperbug

I recently found suspicious evidence that my husband of 22 years may be cheating.... again. He moved out of our bedroom in December into the spare room, but wouldn't say why. He's been verbally abusive since last summer and I couldn't take it any more so I left to stay with friends in Dalls for two weeks after Christmas. He called every day I was away with our daughter. Go figure.The credit card bills showed parking fees at the airport and a seafood restaurant charge on Valentine's Day. He gave me nothing for Valentine's day, just wished me a happy one. The evidence I found was on the passenger side floor of my car that he's been using to drive to work. It was a small red satin heart with "I love you" on it. Neither my daughter or I had been in the car all week since Valentine's Day. It was as much as finding a love letter in his shirt pocket the way I found out about the other affair. Previously, he had conducted a cybersex affair that included phone sex with a married woman he'd met through work. He swore up and down he'd go to counselling and try hard to be a family, but we didn't finish counselling and we never learned why he conducted his affairs online in the first place. Obviously, that continues to be his problem. Now, he's been verbally abusive, angers easily and tries to blame and call me names as if he's trying to justify his infidelity. I've got his number, though. I'm so crushed that he changed so radically after the birth of our daughter 14 years ago that I hardly know this is the man I married. Although I have that image in my mind and love it, I realise now, he's not that person any more. I doubt very much that he'll get over his denial and face who and what he really is. I'm feeling the loss intensely now but I hope I can get over it so I can move on with my life. All advice on how to do that is welcome!
LIke a previous poster indicated, to put it quite SIMPLY   leave him.

It is easier for me to be looking in and saying that, I have not been in your shoes.  You will feel what is right when the time is right.   Good luck with everything, keep your daughter in you first thoughts, for she will learn from this.
 
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