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Topic : 08/08 Cheaters

Number of Replies: 911
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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:27:05 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 03/01/06) What can you do if your spouse has a cheating heart? Rick’s wife, Kandice, cheated on him less than a year ago, and he suspects she's at it again. Is Rick just being paranoid, or is Kandice not telling the whole truth? Find out when Dr. Phil reveals what he caught on camera. Then, Arianna thought she had it all: a wonderful husband, two beautiful kids and a happy marriage ... until recently when the ugly truth came out in a shocking way. How did she find out about her husband's philandering? Can he learn to be faithful? Dr. Phil has strong words to set him straight. With a dark cloud of lies, deceit and infidelity hanging over a relationship, can you ever trust a cheater again? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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March 1, 2006, 7:09 am CST

you can do it.

Quote From: tearfulme

I've been married for 23 1/2yrs. to a man i thought was my soul mate. About 4 yrs ago i lost my dad, and i was having the worst time getting past the grief and my husband was so good to me during this time, so i thought. Always worrying about me day to day, and understanding i had days i didn't want to deal with issues about my loss, so he would let me have my time(so i thought). Feb. 2005 i learned by one of my children that he had been cheating and kept no secrets from our children. They (all 4 grown daughters) walked around with the guilt of not telling me their dad was cheating on their mom. When it all came out he had been with this other girl (she was 21) for nearly a year, i started questioning myself, like what did i do? what didn't i do? Things like that. When confronted he did not lie, and seemed to be very sincere about wanting to repair the damage he had caused in our marriage. We were still having some issues (i couldn't let the affair leave my thoughts) but i still trusted  him with everything i had. In November 05, i asked him to leave so we could make sure that we did want to work on things. He left and we talked things over and he wanted to make a fresh start. Once again in Feb.2006 i noticed things like he bought a new cell phone and would always go outside to talk to his "friends". So i started checking his phone for calls in and out and found a text message that simply read "So sweet but so...." when i asked him what is was about he became angry and short and told me i was over reacting. Then one night i was driving home from our daughter's house and everything hit me like "God was hitting me in the head" I busted in our bedroom door and confronted him. This time he was denying and lying, until i told him i was going to call her, then he broke down and told me he was with another woman and had strong feelings for her but still loved me. (crazy huh) I have been with this man longer than I lived with my own parents, so i am scared and would of done anything to keep him even after this, until i read Dr.Phil's topics and thoughts on cheating. Now i am scared, i have never been single and all i have ever worked for was retiring and enjoying our senior years alone. How do i still love him? How do i not have anger to him? Why am i comforting this man that has killed my soul and spirit? What in the heck do i do? I have always been the person that said "no way,  I would stay with a cheater". Some advice i gave huh? Someone tell me I'm not crazy, I'm not alone. I don't have the first clue of being single or how to even live alone. Let me say this "this post has actually helped me say thing I didn't think I could say to myself".
i know it's scary- scary isn't even the word. paralyzing, to consider making it on your own. but if you can somehow bring yourself to do it- without looking back- in just a few months, you will ASTONISH youself with how strong you are. i guarantee this. you can't see it now, but closing the door on this man will open up other, much better doors. but not at first. at first will be the hardest. "at first" being 1 month, then 3, then it'll happen: it'll get easier. then it'll be the best decision you ever made. I hope you get to experience what i'm talking about. find inspiration in your bookstore, "self-help" section.
 
March 1, 2006, 7:14 am CST

Been there done that

It has been 9 years since my husband walked out and left me 6 months pregnant and two kids at home.  Luckily I had a career and was able to support myself. 

  

Cheating - yes I found out later that he was cheating.  When it ended he asked to come back and actually asked three times...no  wouldn't do it again.  Once a cheater always a cheater.  I can respect the fact that over time you can fall out of love but marriage is work.  The kids take your time for a few years but in the end once they are independant, that person is the one in your life.  You have to hang on to what you have.  The problem is that most people become complacent and just assume all is okay.  When you meet someone else it sends rockets through your heart and all seems great until about six months into it and reality hits and nothing is different than the relationship that you were in.   

  

I am still single and like it that way.  I have found it difficult to trust again and do not want to get hurt.  I have resigned myself to the fact that my children are my life and I have fun with them. 

 
March 1, 2006, 7:33 am CST

cheating is wrong

cheating is wrong, and if one is going to cheat they should leave the realtionship and the person wi that got cheated on should sent the cheater packing.   
 
March 1, 2006, 7:39 am CST

that young couple....

 ....tore my heart out :(  man,talk about a blast from the past. I could so relate to that young wife and mom. Same thing that happened to me so many years ago,only we had been married 9 yrs (but also had 2 kids) serial cheater from hell. But,I tell ya seeing the guy break down and cry,I felt it was really from his heart. He deeply regrets that he may lose his family.  If my X-H had  broke down and gotten honest like that.....who knows,I may have tried to forgive him. Dr.Phil was correct as usual,he needs to grow up. Looking at him,I thought wow,he's just a  KID for cryin out loud. Going against his father's advice and coming to the show and letting his guts hang out....major step in the right direction imho. I am going to cross my fingers and hope those 2 use this chance to better themselves and make a good life for themselves and those kids.

I have no hope however for that first couple. That lady just wants out ,they need to split now and stop prolonging the agony for everyone concerned,lol.
 
March 1, 2006, 7:39 am CST

03/01 Cheaters

Quote From: trooperbug

I recently found suspicious evidence that my husband of 22 years may be cheating.... again. He moved out of our bedroom in December into the spare room, but wouldn't say why. He's been verbally abusive since last summer and I couldn't take it any more so I left to stay with friends in Dalls for two weeks after Christmas. He called every day I was away with our daughter. Go figure.The credit card bills showed parking fees at the airport and a seafood restaurant charge on Valentine's Day. He gave me nothing for Valentine's day, just wished me a happy one. The evidence I found was on the passenger side floor of my car that he's been using to drive to work. It was a small red satin heart with "I love you" on it. Neither my daughter or I had been in the car all week since Valentine's Day. It was as much as finding a love letter in his shirt pocket the way I found out about the other affair. Previously, he had conducted a cybersex affair that included phone sex with a married woman he'd met through work. He swore up and down he'd go to counselling and try hard to be a family, but we didn't finish counselling and we never learned why he conducted his affairs online in the first place. Obviously, that continues to be his problem. Now, he's been verbally abusive, angers easily and tries to blame and call me names as if he's trying to justify his infidelity. I've got his number, though. I'm so crushed that he changed so radically after the birth of our daughter 14 years ago that I hardly know this is the man I married. Although I have that image in my mind and love it, I realise now, he's not that person any more. I doubt very much that he'll get over his denial and face who and what he really is. I'm feeling the loss intensely now but I hope I can get over it so I can move on with my life. All advice on how to do that is welcome!

I just went through a divorce a year ago and I am still seeing a counselor.  I married this man when I was only 19 and I am now 30, so you can imagine.  This man was my whole life.  About a year and a half ago, he changed.  He then decided after being upset about my son taking a playstation controller over to a friends house (which I found as no big deal) that he needed to have a discussion with me in the bedroom.  He told me that he felt that he needed to leave and take a break for a week.  He would be back the next weekend.  That was on the first Friday of November.  That Monday at work he called me and told me that he told his family that we were separated, after we discussed not telling anybody about him just taking a break for a week.  That's when everything started spiraling downhill.  I looked back at things.  I had accused him of cheating on me with a co-worker that last summer.  He didn't even deny it when I questioned him, he didn't say anything.  He had also explained to me that her husband had also accused them of having an affair.  I put it off thinking that there is no way my husband would do this to me.  (we discussed others who had cheated and how horrible that is).  Then in the month of October he was gone most of the month on business trips in her area.  He was sleeping in the same hotel has her and also taking her out to supper every night.  Then it was to the point where he even planned one of those trips on the night of my birthday.  I knew deep down that he was cheating, but still did not want to admit it.  There was a lot of other things that had happened also, but I was still willing to make it work and did everything in my power to show him that I could be this perfect wife that he was wanting.  Anyway, now to my point.  My counselor told me that he would have left anyway.  He was cheating (he showed every classic sign in the book, even though to this day he still won't admit it and they are now living together).  He was mentally abusive to me, telling me that everything was my fault.  The reason he felt the way he did (I didn't make him feel like a man) whatever that meant.  He pretty much made me feel that I was lower than low.  Now I know it is all because he didn't want to feel any guilt.  To this day he still won't admit that he was cheating on me with her, but her divorce was final 3 months before ours was and he has now moved to a different state to live with her. 

  

I just want you to realize that this is not your problem.  This is his.  I am still going through missing my marriage, but I do not miss him.  I am a stronger person from this and a much better mom.  I have a lot more patience now that I am not dealing with all of the stress and abuse that he caused.  Do know that it takes time, counseling and a lot of friends and family to get you through this, but it can be done. 

 
March 1, 2006, 7:40 am CST

second chances and only second chances

I believe in second chances if there is true remorse. If he or she cheats again don't let the screen door hit you when you leave. No one has time, energy or self respect  to deal with all the emotional stress that habitual cheaters cause.
 
March 1, 2006, 7:40 am CST

No sympathy!

Quote From: squirty

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all-  

   

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.  

   

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.  

   

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......  

   

......until December.  

   

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.  

   

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married.......  

   

Bad move.  

   

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......  

   

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't.  

   

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.    

   

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.  

   

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....  

   

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.  

   

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-  

  

You are articulate, educated, accomplished, proud of your appearance -- yet you aren't getting what you NEED from your mate.  You said your husband "stopped being attracted to me," after you had children.  Did you come right out and ask him if this was true, or did you assume it b/c of how YOU feel/felt?   

  

I believe men and women seek intimacy outside of marriage  for mostly the same reason --  validation that they're desireable, sexy creatures.  For women though, a mere emotional connection can serve the same purpose, and when it reaches the physical, the woman acts based on her feelings towards the guy.  Please don't go in the "generalizations" direction.  I'm making a point for Skimom4. 

  

The critical statement you made is:  I miss the way this guy made me feel.   

Affairs occur, I think, b/c It's 99% of how someone makes us feel.  You want your spouse to make you feel that way, I'm sure.  And please understand, you're not alone in having this happen.  You're not being selfish.  What you are doing, is short-changing yourself by not communicating with your spouse.  There could be lots of reasons for his diminished interest in sex, other than you giving birth.   

You also said your sons are the loves of your life.  Perhaps your husband quit feeling like a priority in your life, and that you've been consumed by motherhood devotion.  Remember, you and he and God made those children.  When they are adults and moving onto their lives, you will be alone with your husband -- the man who started out being the love of your life 17 years ago. 

  

Your counselor should be advising you to communicate with him, or seeking counseling together.  I never ceases to amaze me that communication between men and women is like a train wreck.  Please express yourself to the man you married.  What will it cost you?  Why are you afraid?   

  

Good luck. 

  

  

   

I am sick and tired of all the bull about poor little me! You people know what you are doing when you go that route, If you had all this integrity you would have approached your spouses,about a problem before this mess happened. As the old folks used to say cut the crap you weren't cryin the blues when you had your legs open so dont cry now. Grow up accept what you did quit looking for sympathy. 

 
March 1, 2006, 7:41 am CST

i feel for you

Quote From: hurley

i know it's scary- scary isn't even the word. paralyzing, to consider making it on your own. but if you can somehow bring yourself to do it- without looking back- in just a few months, you will ASTONISH youself with how strong you are. i guarantee this. you can't see it now, but closing the door on this man will open up other, much better doors. but not at first. at first will be the hardest. "at first" being 1 month, then 3, then it'll happen: it'll get easier. then it'll be the best decision you ever made. I hope you get to experience what i'm talking about. find inspiration in your bookstore, "self-help" section.
i feel for you, after my diorce from my first husband i had started dating this guy.  it wasnt into our fifth month of fdating he told me he was marrid but did not know where his wive was , that she had walked out and he couldnt find her. i gave him the benefit of the doubt.  howevr as time went by i noticed stranges things ocuring like  he was going to joes crab shack, a resturant , very high class,, one day i took off of work, borrowed a freinds car, so as he wouldnt recognize mne,m and followed them,   sat at a table and watched. tey were very cozy.  later  on that week after curiosity, cause he told me he went no where that day, i asked him if i could see a picture of his wive,  he showed me, and then i recognized the lady he had been with that day.   so two days later i asked if he was mnaking any attempt to find his wive to get a divorce and he said yes and if he knew where she wa s he would get a divorce.   knowing he lied to me, i called it off and moved back into my apartment and told him to nve r call me again.  i fugured if he could lie and cheat on both of us at the same tme i did not want to waste my time getting any c,oser and marrying him.   i then started to date and fell in love with qa wonderful am.  i dated him on my terms.  we are happily married now and i pray i never katch hum cheating cause it would be over between us.
 
March 1, 2006, 7:51 am CST

Only Once

 I have cheated on my husband and when I did at the time I was OK with it but after time had pasted and I realized that it was a big mistake I  ended it with that person all the time thinking of  what if I had not ended it . You see I never told my husband and I never will because it had nothing to do with him it was albout  me and what I did. I have though about this person and have meet with him after  I told myself it was over but nothing serious to the point of cheating. I will never do it again with him nor with anyone else. I have more respect for myself and for my husband to ever act out in that way again. We have three kids and have been married for sixteen years and I love my husband and my life with him I regret that I did what I did and have learned from it . I will never tell.
 
March 1, 2006, 8:04 am CST

03/01 Cheaters

Quote From: squirty

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all-  

   

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.  

   

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.  

   

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......  

   

......until December.  

   

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.  

   

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married.......  

   

Bad move.  

   

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......  

   

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't.  

   

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.    

   

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.  

   

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....  

   

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.  

   

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-  

  

You are articulate, educated, accomplished, proud of your appearance -- yet you aren't getting what you NEED from your mate.  You said your husband "stopped being attracted to me," after you had children.  Did you come right out and ask him if this was true, or did you assume it b/c of how YOU feel/felt?   

  

I believe men and women seek intimacy outside of marriage  for mostly the same reason --  validation that they're desireable, sexy creatures.  For women though, a mere emotional connection can serve the same purpose, and when it reaches the physical, the woman acts based on her feelings towards the guy.  Please don't go in the "generalizations" direction.  I'm making a point for Skimom4. 

  

The critical statement you made is:  I miss the way this guy made me feel.   

Affairs occur, I think, b/c It's 99% of how someone makes us feel.  You want your spouse to make you feel that way, I'm sure.  And please understand, you're not alone in having this happen.  You're not being selfish.  What you are doing, is short-changing yourself by not communicating with your spouse.  There could be lots of reasons for his diminished interest in sex, other than you giving birth.   

You also said your sons are the loves of your life.  Perhaps your husband quit feeling like a priority in your life, and that you've been consumed by motherhood devotion.  Remember, you and he and God made those children.  When they are adults and moving onto their lives, you will be alone with your husband -- the man who started out being the love of your life 17 years ago. 

  

Your counselor should be advising you to communicate with him, or seeking counseling together.  I never ceases to amaze me that communication between men and women is like a train wreck.  Please express yourself to the man you married.  What will it cost you?  Why are you afraid?   

  

Good luck. 

  

  

I also was always very judgemental until a year ago this month.  I had an affair when I was angry at my husband to get "back at him."   When finally alone with the other man, I realized that it was absolutely not what I wanted and realized that I never would want to do that again.  I totally do not believe "once a cheater, always a cheater"  I realized that day, how much I am in love with my husband and how much I want to only be with him the rest of my life.  I have not told him, and I don't know if I should.  I don't want to hurt him.  I felt more passion for him in the past year than ever before.  I think in a weird way, this was a good thing for my marriage.  I just wish I re-discovered my love for him in another way. 

  

  

 
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