Topic : 08/08 Cheaters

Quote From: tearfulme

I've been married for 23 1/2yrs. to a man i thought was my soul mate. About 4 yrs ago i lost my dad, and i was having the worst time getting past the grief and my husband was so good to me during this time, so i thought. Always worrying about me day to day, and understanding i had days i didn't want to deal with issues about my loss, so he would let me have my time(so i thought). Feb. 2005 i learned by one of my children that he had been cheating and kept no secrets from our children. They (all 4 grown daughters) walked around with the guilt of not telling me their dad was cheating on their mom. When it all came out he had been with this other girl (she was 21) for nearly a year, i started questioning myself, like what did i do? what didn't i do? Things like that. When confronted he did not lie, and seemed to be very sincere about wanting to repair the damage he had caused in our marriage. We were still having some issues (i couldn't let the affair leave my thoughts) but i still trusted  him with everything i had. In November 05, i asked him to leave so we could make sure that we did want to work on things. He left and we talked things over and he wanted to make a fresh start. Once again in Feb.2006 i noticed things like he bought a new cell phone and would always go outside to talk to his "friends". So i started checking his phone for calls in and out and found a text message that simply read "So sweet but so...." when i asked him what is was about he became angry and short and told me i was over reacting. Then one night i was driving home from our daughter's house and everything hit me like "God was hitting me in the head" I busted in our bedroom door and confronted him. This time he was denying and lying, until i told him i was going to call her, then he broke down and told me he was with another woman and had strong feelings for her but still loved me. (crazy huh) I have been with this man longer than I lived with my own parents, so i am scared and would of done anything to keep him even after this, until i read Dr.Phil's topics and thoughts on cheating. Now i am scared, i have never been single and all i have ever worked for was retiring and enjoying our senior years alone. How do i still love him? How do i not have anger to him? Why am i comforting this man that has killed my soul and spirit? What in the heck do i do? I have always been the person that said "no way,  I would stay with a cheater". Some advice i gave huh? Someone tell me I'm not crazy, I'm not alone. I don't have the first clue of being single or how to even live alone. Let me say this "this post has actually helped me say thing I didn't think I could say to myself".

Quote From: trooperbug

I recently found suspicious evidence that my husband of 22 years may be cheating.... again. He moved out of our bedroom in December into the spare room, but wouldn't say why. He's been verbally abusive since last summer and I couldn't take it any more so I left to stay with friends in Dalls for two weeks after Christmas. He called every day I was away with our daughter. Go figure.The credit card bills showed parking fees at the airport and a seafood restaurant charge on Valentine's Day. He gave me nothing for Valentine's day, just wished me a happy one. The evidence I found was on the passenger side floor of my car that he's been using to drive to work. It was a small red satin heart with "I love you" on it. Neither my daughter or I had been in the car all week since Valentine's Day. It was as much as finding a love letter in his shirt pocket the way I found out about the other affair. Previously, he had conducted a cybersex affair that included phone sex with a married woman he'd met through work. He swore up and down he'd go to counselling and try hard to be a family, but we didn't finish counselling and we never learned why he conducted his affairs online in the first place. Obviously, that continues to be his problem. Now, he's been verbally abusive, angers easily and tries to blame and call me names as if he's trying to justify his infidelity. I've got his number, though. I'm so crushed that he changed so radically after the birth of our daughter 14 years ago that I hardly know this is the man I married. Although I have that image in my mind and love it, I realise now, he's not that person any more. I doubt very much that he'll get over his denial and face who and what he really is. I'm feeling the loss intensely now but I hope I can get over it so I can move on with my life. All advice on how to do that is welcome!

Quote From: squirty

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all-  

   

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.  

   

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.  

   

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......  

   

......until December.  

   

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.  

   

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married.......  

   

Bad move.  

   

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......  

   

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't.  

   

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.    

   

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.  

   

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....  

   

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.  

   

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-  

  

You are articulate, educated, accomplished, proud of your appearance -- yet you aren't getting what you NEED from your mate.  You said your husband "stopped being attracted to me," after you had children.  Did you come right out and ask him if this was true, or did you assume it b/c of how YOU feel/felt?   

  

I believe men and women seek intimacy outside of marriage  for mostly the same reason --  validation that they're desireable, sexy creatures.  For women though, a mere emotional connection can serve the same purpose, and when it reaches the physical, the woman acts based on her feelings towards the guy.  Please don't go in the "generalizations" direction.  I'm making a point for Skimom4. 

  

The critical statement you made is:  I miss the way this guy made me feel.   

Affairs occur, I think, b/c It's 99% of how someone makes us feel.  You want your spouse to make you feel that way, I'm sure.  And please understand, you're not alone in having this happen.  You're not being selfish.  What you are doing, is short-changing yourself by not communicating with your spouse.  There could be lots of reasons for his diminished interest in sex, other than you giving birth.   

You also said your sons are the loves of your life.  Perhaps your husband quit feeling like a priority in your life, and that you've been consumed by motherhood devotion.  Remember, you and he and God made those children.  When they are adults and moving onto their lives, you will be alone with your husband -- the man who started out being the love of your life 17 years ago. 

  

Your counselor should be advising you to communicate with him, or seeking counseling together.  I never ceases to amaze me that communication between men and women is like a train wreck.  Please express yourself to the man you married.  What will it cost you?  Why are you afraid?   

  

Good luck. 

  

  

Quote From: hurley

i know it's scary- scary isn't even the word. paralyzing, to consider making it on your own. but if you can somehow bring yourself to do it- without looking back- in just a few months, you will ASTONISH youself with how strong you are. i guarantee this. you can't see it now, but closing the door on this man will open up other, much better doors. but not at first. at first will be the hardest. "at first" being 1 month, then 3, then it'll happen: it'll get easier. then it'll be the best decision you ever made. I hope you get to experience what i'm talking about. find inspiration in your bookstore, "self-help" section.

Quote From: squirty

Quote From: skimom4

Hi all-  

   

I'm new to the boards.  I've been married for 17 years; have 2 sons who are the loves of my life.  Once I had my sons, my husband seemed to stop being attracted to me; although he still seems interested in fulfilling his needs regularly (wow, this is so honest!).  I'm an attractive woman, in early 40's - I work out; am a size 6/8 (depending upon the week); and a business woman in a larger metro city.  

   

In all of my years of marriage; I have never been remotely attracted to anyone; when approached by a man; it just doesn't "happen" for me - I think of my family; my children; and usually, I just have the "I'm Married" wall all around me.  

   

In fact, I was always VERY quick to judge my friends who did this......  

   

......until December.  

   

After a work meeting at a restaurant; I lingered for a moment after the meeting was over; just wanted a few moments to myself where I wasn't "giving" to my job; my home; my family; my husband.  It was selfish, but just needed a minute to think.  I was about to pay the bill & leave, when a man asked if he could sit at my table.  Again in all my years of marriage I have never allowed this......until this night.  

   

He had a brilliant smile; was very interesting looking; and I said ok.  He is 15 years older than me.  And married.......  

   

Bad move.  

   

So, just 2 months ago, I had this "affair of the heart".  He's married.  I'm married.  I have a husband who has become like my brother; and 2 children who would never forgive me.  I got out of this relationship VERY quickly, but my heart is still there.  Am I "once a cheater always a cheater"???  I don't know.  But what I do know now, is that I certainly am not coming from the judgement seat any more.  I am in counseling, and I feel so badly that I cannot tell my husband this.  Being honest with myself; I love how the "guy" made me feel.  I had lost myself in the day to day life of motherhood; corporate world; pta meetings, and appeasing my husband on nights he is "ready to go"......  

   

Did I know it was a problem?  Deep inside, yes, but I figured it would pass as time went on, and my husband & I would find each other again.  But it didn't hit me until this guy held my hand that night, then leaned in to kiss me.  And I let him kiss me.  My husband would be sooooo hurt.  I feel so terribly.  I thought part of me had died - the part that "felt" these things.  Truly, and I thought it was normal that this just dies when you have children.  But I learned that night it didn't.  

   

I haven't told my husband, or anyone until now about this, except my new therapist (and now all of you).  I miss the way this "guy" made me feel; but I know he is not someone I want to be with.  I'm scared by my feelings; but in every way, feel that I am just as selfish & guilty.    

   

I don't know what to do.  I'm hoping the show on Wednesday will help....... I will be at work, but will check the website that night to see what happened.  

   

Sorry to enter the boards on such a disruptive note; but I'm certain I'm not alone in my feelings; and I really don't know what to do.....  

   

I guess for me, the bottom line is that in my entire life; I lived in judgement of others who did exactly what I did that night.  Now I'm the one being "judged".  I'm deeply humbled, my heart is a bit broken, and now I feel that I have this deep dark secret in there that my mind won't forget.  

   

Thanks for e-listening. I'm open to your thoughts-  

  

You are articulate, educated, accomplished, proud of your appearance -- yet you aren't getting what you NEED from your mate.  You said your husband "stopped being attracted to me," after you had children.  Did you come right out and ask him if this was true, or did you assume it b/c of how YOU feel/felt?   

  

I believe men and women seek intimacy outside of marriage  for mostly the same reason --  validation that they're desireable, sexy creatures.  For women though, a mere emotional connection can serve the same purpose, and when it reaches the physical, the woman acts based on her feelings towards the guy.  Please don't go in the "generalizations" direction.  I'm making a point for Skimom4. 

  

The critical statement you made is:  I miss the way this guy made me feel.   

Affairs occur, I think, b/c It's 99% of how someone makes us feel.  You want your spouse to make you feel that way, I'm sure.  And please understand, you're not alone in having this happen.  You're not being selfish.  What you are doing, is short-changing yourself by not communicating with your spouse.  There could be lots of reasons for his diminished interest in sex, other than you giving birth.   

You also said your sons are the loves of your life.  Perhaps your husband quit feeling like a priority in your life, and that you've been consumed by motherhood devotion.  Remember, you and he and God made those children.  When they are adults and moving onto their lives, you will be alone with your husband -- the man who started out being the love of your life 17 years ago. 

  

Your counselor should be advising you to communicate with him, or seeking counseling together.  I never ceases to amaze me that communication between men and women is like a train wreck.  Please express yourself to the man you married.  What will it cost you?  Why are you afraid?   

  

Good luck.