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Topic : 03/02 Our Biggest Battle

Number of Replies: 316
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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:28:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Merging two lives is never easy, but what do you do when you constantly fight the same battle? Darcy says she's tired of fighting with her military husband, Jeff, about disciplining her kids from her first marriage. She wants his drill sergeant inspections and interrogations to stop, or she's ready to call it quits. Jeff says she needs to tighten up and follow through with consequences. Whose job is it to discipline the kids? Then, they're $80,000 in debt, but nothing is going to stop Angela from pursuing her dream of becoming a country music star. She and her husband, Keith, have moved 13 times in the last two years, and have amassed $80,000 in debt -- a constant source of arguments. What advice does Dr. Phil have for this singer and her spouse? And, Nicole says her husband, Jeremy, is so obsessed with playing video games that he is neglecting his family. Will Jeremy see the negative effect his gaming is having on their marriage? Join the discussion.

 

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March 1, 2006, 5:26 pm CST

I have the same fiance

Quote From: bella523

It sounds to me like you know in your heart what is right.  Please remember its your life too, and you dont have to accept the feeling of being left out. Thats not a good relationship.  Sounds to me, like he has ALOT of growing up to do, especially if thats how he spends the majority of his free time. Don't you want more for yourself and your children(someday)? He is showing you what makes him happy. It's up to you, to see it. Good Luck and Dont Settle!  Its ok to be alone too!
My fiance does the same thing, except that we live together. After going round and round over it for 3 years, he's still doing it. However, he's trying to tear himself away and spend more time with me.  In the end, I decided that if I could'nt get the mountain to come to me as often as I felt I needed it to, then I was going to have to go to the mountain. He came home one day to find an overstuffed chair in his " office ", and I have absolutely no qualms about grabbing a book or my drink or whatever and parking myself in that chair behind him when he's been missing in computerland for a few hours too long. And when I've gotten my fill of togetherness, or I get bored, I leave the room. That problem is solved.
 
March 1, 2006, 6:37 pm CST

03/02 Our Biggest Battle

Quote From: lllamas

well.. when children are involved the senerio is different.   

  

Sounds like he has a deeper issue he is trying to cope with. Express your hurt in a logical way that is nonthreatening/overly confrontational and also stress the importance of a father-figure in your childs life. Maybe use examples of how people who didn't have fathers in their life turned out.  

  

Good luck. 

Hey Sounds Great in theory, but I have tried all of that , we have a 14 yr. and an 8 yr. old , I have tried everything, and it is a deeper issue, but most of all , he finds NOTHING wrong with the way he is. Like I said as long as he is a home. His friends , not that he has any outside of work, because there is no time for them, finds northing wrong with it. We are both in the same room as it is. We have two TVs in our living room, so the rest of us have something to watch while he's playing. iIreally appreciate your advice, but it's not something that is new to me or my kids. I just know that one day in the future, maybe he'll regret it or maybe he wont. Only time will tell.
 
March 1, 2006, 9:16 pm CST

video games equal addiction

I think most of the people who haven't gone through it or aren't going through it don't realize that this is a real addiction.  Some men can play and quit and have a little control and then there are the ones who can't and that is an addiction. There are online support groups for it, I am a part of one, and if you don't have kids it is different.  You can't just pull up a chair and be in there with him when you have two screaming little ones or you are up all night while he plays and your newborn is screaming and then end up exhausted the next day.   

  

If you are already in the middle of it and not married, set boundaries now and if you don't want to live with the way it is now, then don't get married.  I knew about it before but was fine until he got involved in the online games that never end.   

  

It isn't hiding an emotion it is their form of recreation and it doesn't make them immature.  Other people have theirs, like golf or tennis, this one just happens to be an addiction.   

  

  

 
March 2, 2006, 12:58 am CST

If you can't beat them then join them

I realised very early on that you cannot expect to be happy with someone if you want to change them.  Make sure that they are the way you like them before you are with them.  My husband loves computer games.  He always has (since before I met him)  When he insisted that he wanted to play (and trust me I tried to stop him) I decided to use a different tactic.  I decided to start playing games too.  I got myself a computer (Well I got him to pay for it - LOL)  I learned one of his favorite games and before I knew it I was addicted too.  This has worked out very well for both of us as we now have two kids and he knows that we can play games when the kids are seen to.  So we have "us" time that is usually spent in front of the computer and we couldn't be happier.   

  

We usually sit infront of the computers right through the night on the weekends while the kids are sleeping. 

  

Through this I have learned to take the same attitude to other things and it has helped our relationship tremendously. 

 
March 2, 2006, 1:41 am CST

Did you know this man before you went to Flordia

  

  I cannot believe that you would drag your kids to another state to live with a man that apparently you did not know.  Your need to be with someone, any one, was greater than the concerns of what that relationship would do to your kids lives.  While I sit here trying to figure all of this out i always come back to two important facts.  You thought only of yourself and you did not know this man before you ripped your kids from where they had a life they were confortable with and threw them to the wolfes.  All you seem to do is try to justify what you wanted no matter what the cost.  You show no respect for either parties involved. I must also say that the rest of you really don't show any respect for the others in this relashenship either.  This is now a mess that Darcy started by not using her head for something other than a hat rack.  Jeff did his part to stir up the hornets nest into a real mass of mad people.  And not to be left out the kids did their part by throwing salt into this mess.  It seems that everyone in this relationship have worked very hard to kill it beforeit ever got started. 

 
March 2, 2006, 1:47 am CST

Military v/s outside world

This show was great. I totally related to both the mom and the military stepdad. My husband is in the military and I have a child that is 10 years old. I often have to remind him that Hunter is a child not a GI.  Sometimes for fun, I will stand a parade rest, just to get a rise out of him.  However, this is all my husband has known for the past 14 years and it is hard to let go of the training that he goes through each and everyday. 

Dr. Phil, I agreed with you all the way up to the end. I kept hoping you would tell the children to give him a little break, because he has been in the military and it has been pounded into his head about responsibility and leadership. In my own opinion, those children need some sort of leadership and guidance that they are lacking. I believe that the mom loves her children and will defend them to the end, just as I have my own child. But sometimes we as mothers need to step back and allow some, not mean or harsh, punishment to happen. I do think the man was a little over the top on the contracts and letters. They are teenagers and are  living in a world that is not REAL by far. My step daughter shows the same traits and these two.  My advise is love them, teach, them, and be there when they fall. 

  

Sincerely, 

  

Tara Finn 

Proud Army Wife 

 
March 2, 2006, 2:25 am CST

Video games are like anything else that could be addicting...

Some people drink for recreation (be social, hang out with friends, celebrate).  Others as a coping mechanism (debt, marital problems, etc.) which ultimately throws their lives away. 

  

Some people shop for recreation (buying shoes and clothes to make an impression) while others get addicted to shopping, which may put them in debt in the long run. 

  

Some people gamble for recreation, while others use it to cope and gamble their lives away.   

  

Some people play video games for recreation, while others use it as a coping mechanism (escaping from reality), which, from my own observations (of myself and others), seems to detract from other activities which would have helped immensely in development of social and cognitive skills. 

  

I was a diehard gamer growing up.  I played video games to unhealthy levels (pulling all-nighters, neglecting my homework, etc.).  I don't do that now.  I play a little bit, maybe about six hours a week...which may still seem like much--I'm a single guy, so this isn't as alarming.  I do set limits, though.  I know when it's time to turn it off, and I know when to use the pause button when others need me.  If the game doesn't allow you to pause (most online games don't), then oh well.  It's just a game.   

  

When games are used as a hobby, it's okay.  If you're the man (or woman) of the house, your family comes first.  When you have spare time, then play.  If you want to play for extended periods of time (like all-nighters with online games like World of Warcraft), it's best to schedule ahead of time and make sure it doesn't conflict with other responsibilities.  

  

If you find that you are addicted to video games, you may want to talk to a counselor.  This especially applies if it's interfering with your family life and/or social life.  If you can't bring yourself quit playing and take care of responsibilites (or at least pause the dang game!), you're probably addicted.   

  

If you're using games as an escape from reality, then you may need help to find alternative ways of coping with the things you're escaping from. 

 
March 2, 2006, 4:46 am CST

Wow that sounds familiar....games

Yeah I can totally relate to this show....it's online games for my hubby too. Well only one of them but it is a never ending game. He plays till 2 or 3 am also...but I do not nag at him about it. I will make sarcastic comments about the game being more attractive to him then I am...and that that's all he wants to do but this is not everyday. He plays every single day. He says it's his way of relaxing...and that's cool with me. I have a game I like to play on the PC also but I do not play it every time I am home. Which he does. Every free moment is spent playing that game. We have been late leaving for dates together because he " couldn't leave the game" because he was in the middle of a "run" as they call it. One time he lied to his friends on there that we had to take our daughter to the hospital rather then tell them that he had to leave to go on a date with his wife ...lol. Anyway I do not mind at all that he has a game he loves to play for the most part it keeps him busy and out of my hair so I can get things done or get some quiet time for myself. Other times I really get annoyed at the fact that he can sit there and pay attention to that game for hours on end and not once bat an eye at the kids when they are making messes or fighting or getting into no good right under his nose. It's like he's oblivious to everything else.  

So I can't wait to see today's show and see what Dr. Phil's advice is. I mean sure play the game but hello!!! Pay attention to the family too. When it begins to interfere with the marriage and the kids then its become more then a problem. so I wonder how the good DR will handle this topic?? I'm sure it'll be great! 

 
March 2, 2006, 4:47 am CST

Be Calm/just a game

I think that millitary guy needs to relax or take a chill pill or something cause this is getting way out of hand. you don't go around telling what your wife should be doing all the time and it will leave a bad message for your children that being you can raise your voice to your wife and get away with it. That's not the way life goes. It is supposed to be talking to one another without rasing your voice to others and another thing is video games. Yes video games are addicting but if it comes down to it's runing your marriage then stop playing all together. You are in the real world now. Don't live in your fantacy world of video games. It is not healthy for your wife and it is not worth living your life. I mean it's just a game. Don't flip out on someone who doesn't know how to play it. It is just a game. I'll say that over and over if I have to.
 
March 2, 2006, 6:04 am CST

why?

Ok, I'm naive.  Why do people marry people who don't get along with their children?  It's enough of a challenge to co-parent when you're the biological mother and father.  I don't think I could love a man who wasn't absolutely crazy about my kids.
 
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