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Topic : 03/02 Our Biggest Battle

Number of Replies: 316
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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:28:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Merging two lives is never easy, but what do you do when you constantly fight the same battle? Darcy says she's tired of fighting with her military husband, Jeff, about disciplining her kids from her first marriage. She wants his drill sergeant inspections and interrogations to stop, or she's ready to call it quits. Jeff says she needs to tighten up and follow through with consequences. Whose job is it to discipline the kids? Then, they're $80,000 in debt, but nothing is going to stop Angela from pursuing her dream of becoming a country music star. She and her husband, Keith, have moved 13 times in the last two years, and have amassed $80,000 in debt -- a constant source of arguments. What advice does Dr. Phil have for this singer and her spouse? And, Nicole says her husband, Jeremy, is so obsessed with playing video games that he is neglecting his family. Will Jeremy see the negative effect his gaming is having on their marriage? Join the discussion.

 

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March 2, 2006, 6:13 am CST

Blaming others' for our own mistakes

"I do resent Keith for not stopping me from making poor financial choices," Angela admits.  

  

So it's her husband's job to make sure she makes good decisions? And if she makes poor decisions, she is entitled to feel resentful at HIM because of  the consequences of HER choices? 

  

Does anyone believe in PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY anymore?   

  

WE are the only ones who control our actions, therefore WE are accountable for the results of our actions. 

  

  

 
March 2, 2006, 7:02 am CST

Pursuing Singing Career

In regards to Keith and Angela's situation, there is definitely a way for her to continue pursuing her music career and make some extra money with her talent.  I am also a singer so I know that there is money to be made with that talent.  If the talent is good enough to spend that much money and time on pursuing the bigger dream then the talent is definitely good enough to make money on the side utilizing that talent, make good money and enjoy doing it.  Angela could sing in a local band doing lounge gigs, weddings, corporate events, etc.  There is great money in that market.  She could also contact local nursing homes in her area, go in with a karaoke machine and do a 1 hour performance a few times a week to make extra money and make a lot of residents have a better day.  She could also get into singing birthday telegrams, doing impersonations or studio voice over work singing for local commercials to bring in the extra income.  Ketih could also do some of this type of work with his acting - believe me there IS money to be made in the entertainment industry.   

 
March 2, 2006, 7:17 am CST

Jeff:the abusive perfectionist

Jeff is one of those perfectionist types that will do nothing but criticize. Think about the pettiness of him having a physical fight with the son over a bag of trash in his bedroom {At least he had collected it up} These personalities even if the kids are PERFECT, and clean their bedroom for hours, WILL GO LOOKING FOR THINGS TO CRITICIZE. Im sorry but I see those kids as being emotionally abused. Even the wife says she is tense when he comes home. Home should be a safe place, not a place where you are a slave that has to worry about the white-glove test 24/7. I think the kids wellbeings should come way before the step-dad, and I think the mother has been letting him get away with far too much.
 
March 2, 2006, 7:21 am CST

Computer addiction is a huge problem

I would love to see an entire show about computer addiction.  I have definitely fallen into "mini" addictions with the computer - Ebay (started my own store to battle that one!), mah-jongg, etc.  I always check myself, I have just gotten a second degree, started a new career (along with my husband) and have three kids, so obviously I'm doing OK.  However, I am very intelligent, and use my brain to make up for wasting time on the computer.  What could I accomplish without the wasted time?! 

  

I think the computer addiction is about control.  When the walls need to be painted, and the house is a mess, it's a comfort to win a game and put everything "in order."  I don't think people who do this are deficient, it's just human nature to want to feel in control in some area of your life.  Hey, TV has dumbed down SEVERAL generations, now the computer is taking over.  I never watch network TV, it's stinks to a ridiculous degree.  Now I just need to control the less-positive aspects of computer use.  I would love to see more on this, though. 

  

It cracks me up that Dr. Phil's website is the first thing we computer-addicts go to - ironic, huh? 

 
March 2, 2006, 7:32 am CST

Being in the military isn't an excuse to be a jerk...

This is just sad! He continued to sit there with a smarmy smile on his face, even while the child is crying about him strewing garbage on her bed!   As a mom to a 10yo DD married to a military man, all I can say is that if my husband EVER treated my daughter (his stepdaughter) that way, it would be the first and the last time.  In reality, my husband treats my daughter wonderfully, and it's one of the reasons I love him so very much.   I'm honestly quite surprised that Dr. Phil didn't tell this guy that he's abusing those children, because in my mind, this is emotional abuse.  I know he said that he's going to provide them with counseling but really, if he treats the children that poorly, I can't imagine that he treats his wife much better.   Sorry, but the military excuse just doesn't cut it for me.  I've never met a military member who treated children like that.  Pathetic.
 
March 2, 2006, 7:43 am CST

Everyone Needs To Step Up

I think everyone needed to step up in that family.  The Step Dad was being unrealistic in his expectations and not doing anything to build a bond with the children, the teenagers needed to clean their rooms and complete their chores.  The daughter said she was doing it "the best she could" but we all could see her room, that isn't "the best she could".  The Mother needs to step up 

and place some limitations on her children.  I was appauled at the way her son spoke to his step 

Dad.  There was absolutely no respect among any of them for each other.  I have 3 teenagers, a 16 

yr old daughter, a 15 yr old son and a 19 year old son in the military.  I would NEVER allow my 

children to speak to an adult in the way Chad spoke to his step Dad.  I am also divorced and I 

certainly wouldn't marry a man without covering parenting and how we would approach a lifestyle 

together after blending the family.  One of the biggest problems in my marriage was parenting issues, my ex husband and I had completely different styles of parenting.  We came from completely different backgrounds and I eventually divorced him to remove my kids from what I felt was an unhealthy environment....so if the Step Dad in this story cannot change his behavior and work towards developing a healthy, loving relationship with those kids the Mother should get out of the marriage. No matter what, your children should ALWAYS come first! 

 
March 2, 2006, 7:51 am CST

chores

I thought I would let you all know how we deal with chores with our son who is 12.   About the time when he turned 11 we decided he needed a little more freedom with his chores and thought that if we gave him some control over them he would accept them better.  Each week, usually on Thursday or Firday, we write out a list of the things we want him to do and give it to him.  We usually give him until Sunday to get them done.  Sometimes there are things we want done earlier and we tell him that.  He knows that this is not necessarily an all inclusive list and we cn ask him to do other things.  However, this method has worked fabulously.  Giving him advance notice and giving him some control over how he plans his time gives him some control and he accepts his chores and responsibilities much more gracefully.  Just thought this might help someone else out! 

 
March 2, 2006, 7:54 am CST

Facts

Quote From: kathy324

  

  I cannot believe that you would drag your kids to another state to live with a man that apparently you did not know.  Your need to be with someone, any one, was greater than the concerns of what that relationship would do to your kids lives.  While I sit here trying to figure all of this out i always come back to two important facts.  You thought only of yourself and you did not know this man before you ripped your kids from where they had a life they were confortable with and threw them to the wolfes.  All you seem to do is try to justify what you wanted no matter what the cost.  You show no respect for either parties involved. I must also say that the rest of you really don't show any respect for the others in this relashenship either.  This is now a mess that Darcy started by not using her head for something other than a hat rack.  Jeff did his part to stir up the hornets nest into a real mass of mad people.  And not to be left out the kids did their part by throwing salt into this mess.  It seems that everyone in this relationship have worked very hard to kill it beforeit ever got started. 

You can not condem someone without knowing all the facts.  This is Darcy!  It was a no-brainer to take my kids to Florida (way across the country).  I had consulted with therapists, doctors, friends, etc.  They all felt that it was a good decision on my part.  I knew my husband for a year and a half before we moved to FL.  I wanted to get my son out of California because he was a recovering meth addict.  He was in rehab for 3 months.  When he came out, he was still hanging around the same friends and started meth again.  I moved him to BFE to get him away from that crowd along with wanting to be with my husband and make a new life there.  My son has thrived here and is no longer doing drugs.  He has a full-time job and is doing well.  My daugher was not doing well in school in California because she was very "popular" and always worried about what people said.  She came to Florida, made a lot of new friends, loves it here and neither of them want to move back to California.  I have always left that option open to them.  They could easily go live with their father.  They chose to stay!  To say "I threw them to the wolves" is entirely a misconception.  Our biggest battle is with the chores and the rules and is in fact true to the story you will see today.  Let me take a look into your life!!
 
March 2, 2006, 7:57 am CST

Gamer Lifestyle

Quote From: blondie4u

  My fiancee' likes to play online computer games with all of his free time.. it gets in the way of us spending time together since we arnt' lving together. He likes to play all night if he can. sometimes he will be in his game room for about 5 hours at a time. We have talked about it and he thinks I need to find a hobbie and we should do are seperate things.. but I like to spend time with him when im over there. He tries to not play as much cause he knows I dont like it, but he still plays a long time and I know thats really what he wants to be doing. I also try to not mind what he does.. but deep down I feel like thats more important. So i cant imagine a few years down the road if we have kids if he will choose games over them.. that would be horrible! will this ever get better??? or am I going to have to deal with it!?!?! Stressed!! ps. I do really love this man!!!! but I dont want my future kids to be punished for my mistake!
 Actually, I've seen this problem a lot with gamer-nongamer couples.   For me that's one of the reasons I only date guys that are gamers (computer, video, table top, CCG, LARP), because it's something that is a HUGE part of my life and I need a partner that can enjoy it with me.   In my case I mostly do everything but CCGs and my boyfriend does mostly CCGs and video/computer games.  The thing is though I don't ever remember either of us totally ignoring each other when we are involved in this stuff.

Also being a gamer does not mean you have to be neglectful to your children.  I'm friends with two couples that are gamer couples and both of them bring their children to the games with them.  Most of us are really cool about people bringing their children along, or playing at a house that has children.  My friends are VERY attentive to their children.   In fact most of the people I game with are also attentive to the children.   The downside is the children can be subjected to som pretty harsh language, but we try to keep it clean if they are in the room. 

Some gamers game EVRYNIGHT 4-10 hours, some only on the weekends.    Usually the ones that have children or non-gamer spouses limit it to 1-2 nights a week.

My suggestion to you is to express your concerns again, letting him know that since you are not there 24/7 you would really like to have his full attention for a few hours.   Suggest doing something you might both enjoy doing together.  I don't think that you would be unreasonable to do that. 

This is a lifestyle choice for him, so I think you need to decide whether you could be married to him or not.  I think if you put your thoughts and concerns out there and come up with a solution BEFORE you get married , for example having 1-2 nights a week where YOU have your own activities to do, which leaves him to his games.  I think you really should find something that intersts you BOTH to do together, and you need a hobby that gets you busy for a few hours one of two  nights a week.  I think that will really help you feel better about this.
 
March 2, 2006, 8:00 am CST

Step Mom delimia

 I am a stepmom of 2 boys one 12 the other 10 they live with there biological Mother My husbands ex livin, They never got married , Every time the boys fight or get into trouble during the week at there Mom's She calles Me to punishe the boys here on the weekend when they are here I feel like I am the green meany when the Boys are only here on the weekends  My husband is a over the road truck driver and only home on weekends himself so I have a problem cause then my husband has to correct the boys and then I feel like I am in the middle between My husband and the Mother
 
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