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Topic : 03/02 Our Biggest Battle

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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:28:37 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Merging two lives is never easy, but what do you do when you constantly fight the same battle? Darcy says she's tired of fighting with her military husband, Jeff, about disciplining her kids from her first marriage. She wants his drill sergeant inspections and interrogations to stop, or she's ready to call it quits. Jeff says she needs to tighten up and follow through with consequences. Whose job is it to discipline the kids? Then, they're $80,000 in debt, but nothing is going to stop Angela from pursuing her dream of becoming a country music star. She and her husband, Keith, have moved 13 times in the last two years, and have amassed $80,000 in debt -- a constant source of arguments. What advice does Dr. Phil have for this singer and her spouse? And, Nicole says her husband, Jeremy, is so obsessed with playing video games that he is neglecting his family. Will Jeremy see the negative effect his gaming is having on their marriage? Join the discussion.

 

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March 2, 2006, 9:19 am CST

03/02 Our Biggest Battle

Quote From: sdanforth

My fiance does the same thing, except that we live together. After going round and round over it for 3 years, he's still doing it. However, he's trying to tear himself away and spend more time with me.  In the end, I decided that if I could'nt get the mountain to come to me as often as I felt I needed it to, then I was going to have to go to the mountain. He came home one day to find an overstuffed chair in his " office ", and I have absolutely no qualms about grabbing a book or my drink or whatever and parking myself in that chair behind him when he's been missing in computerland for a few hours too long. And when I've gotten my fill of togetherness, or I get bored, I leave the room. That problem is solved.

Do you consider that quality time?  Do you have conversations while you are sitting there with him?  

  

My husband enjoys playing computer games, too, but I wouldn't be satisfied just sitting the same room with him while he played.  He spends most of his time at home with my and/or our children, and then he plays for an hour or so.     

 
March 2, 2006, 9:19 am CST

computer addict

My husband plays World of Warcraft from the minute he comes home at 3:30 pm to anywhere between 10pm-5am.  We have two kids who he pretty much doesn't talk to and sure as hell never plays with.  This has been going on for about 5 years with all types of online games.  Our lowest point was in 2001 when he lost his job and spent nights on the game and days, when he was supposed to taking care of our son while I was at work, sleeping.  I'd come home and my son's diaper would be so full it'd be hanging off or fallen off all together.  My husband quit bathing, became a chain smoker, and our sex life was non-existent. 

     What turned it around a little was me trying to leave him for good.  So, he joined the Navy and cut game time down to 2 hours or so a day.  But, he's back to the all nighters.  I cope with it because at least he is working and my now 2 kids have a decent life, albeit void of a decent dad. 

     Why is the game so important?  My husband told me once that the game is his reality and maybe once our son gets old enough to play he could start forming a relationship with him.  (He did try to get my son to play Everquest when he was 4 yrs old, needless to say it didn't work out.)  He would also like me to get in on the game so our relationship will be better.  But, what if I turn into him and then our kids won't have a mom, too. 

     Our life now consists of him being on the game while I take care of the household, the kids, and basically do whatever I want as long as it doesn't interupt him.  I surround my kids with friends and family for a little male role modeling.  And my husband comes out for holidays. 

     I'm not sure if this will ever change, but I've learned to cope for the time being.   

 
March 2, 2006, 9:24 am CST

???

Quote From: mogirl227

I think playing video games for all those hours is immature, self-centered, and just plain spiteful. This guy  has a lot more going on than just avoidance of his wife.  (WHY do you think he does it?)  Obviously he doesn't want to be interacting with his wife and he's got some underlying hostility about something.  How stupid she?  Putting up with all of it?  My husband and I have been married 26 years and we do almost everything together.  Sure , we have 'me' time once in a while. I'll go to a spa for a facial or some other 'girl' stuff. My husband is into woodworking, but the projects are usually for both of our benefit, not just 'making stuff'.  He's working on a computer desk and shelving unit for our den right now.   

  

I'm also going to give my opinion on the 'country singer wanna-be'.  How DARE she put the family in debt for her selfish desires?  It's not HER money she is spending. If I were her husband, I'd take  her name off of every joint account they have, every joint credit card, etc.  If she wants to pursue that folly, then get a JOB.  She's not a single woman any more.  The time for that crap is long gone.  Who do you think will be bailing these people out?  They will declare bankruptcy and all of US will end up paying the bill through high credit card rates, fees, etc. I'm sick of these self-centered bimbos thinking the world revolves around them and weak men who won't stand up for what's right.  

  

AND on the military guy disciplining the wife's kids:  SHE went into this situation voluntarily. SHE exposed her kids to that.  If they have a decent father, then she never should have married that guy.  It's not the kids' fault.  If the mother won't discipline them, then she is feeling guilty for breaking up their home and not having their father there any more. She's trying to play the 'good' mom by being soft and lenient. The kids probably  never had discipline in their lives and now they resent it?  I put the blame 100% on the mother.  Her sex life was more important than raising her kids.  Of COURSE the kids resent it and him. He's NOT their father.  I'll say it again, the word step-parent is FAR too over used.  If you have a mother or father, that person is NOT your step anything. He/she is the SPOUSE of your other parent. Nothing more. I never EVER thought of my father's wife as my step mother.  We were both adults when he remarried, but not for split second did I ever think of her as a step anything.   

  

  

Um well this is the "stupid she"  you referred to above.  I love my husband and quite frankly, I don't appreciate anyone talking about who his character is w/o knowing him.  Maybe his actions are some of the things you described but my husband is none of the adjectives you describe.  Your marriage is not the poster child for all marriages and since you have been married so long, video games were barely coming out when you got married so you really have no advice anyone needs to hear about the video games.  Also, he has been playing these games since he was a little boy, we have home videos of him playing with his Dad a lot so I don't really think there is a lot of hostility towards me in particular.  Just maybe at 5 he was angry with the world, you must be right.  The problem didn't begin until he started playing a game online that never ends so he can't conquer it and then be done for a month or so...   

  

And who said I put up with it?  Why do you think we argue about it, oh that's right because I put up with it.  I guess in your world of 26 years you left whenever there was a little issue that didn't resolve itself right away.  Marriage is about working through things not putting your foot down and running away every time something doesn't get fixed right away.  This has only been going on for a little over a year so if I was to take your advice I should run....  Thanks maybe I'll put that to use (sarcasm) 

 
March 2, 2006, 9:31 am CST

wife of the boy

Quote From: louie311

I don't want to pick on men, but this is in response to the "boy" who also happens to be a dad and husband, who spends hours and hours on the computer.........You CHOSE to Marry, You CHOSE to Become a Father therefore, you have signed yourself up for a lifelong partnership....What ENTITLES you to not assist with the kids, what ENTITLES you to sleep in, what ENTITLES you to call your wife stupid when in all actuality if you thought she was stupid you wouldn't leave your children in her care day and night, unless you too, are an idiot?  The bottom line is that you need to grow up honey and kiss the ground your patient and tolerant wife has for you because I would've knocked your big butt into the land of "Doom" a long long time ago.... 

Please don't be little my husband.  I understand your point and I appreciate the support and you make valid points but I love my husband and he is a good man and we have a good marriage.  This piece on gaming was supposed to be about happy marriages with one issue.  I don't think anyone would kick anyone to the curb w/o a lot of effort and time and that is why we are working on the issue to help define boundaries and to work with one another to help resolve the issue.  He is not a boy and I resent the implication there.  

  

Everyone this is his hobby it doesn't make him any less of a man because he chooses this as his hobby. 

 
March 2, 2006, 9:50 am CST

Wow

Big time denial.   Most women who complain about their husband's behavior, and then justify why they do it, are in a huge denial.  Like a woman who would say her husband has a drink or two, instead of 'he's an alcoholic'.  

  

Hey, we did a lot things when were kids. That doesn't mean it's acceptable as an adult. Any MATURE man, and any man who isn't self-centered will NOT spend hours upon hours playing a game that never ends.  And yes, being married 26 years does give me a better perspective. Marriage is a partnership. We both work TOGETHER. Sure, we disagree and NO neither of us leaves the room. We talk about things and if we don't agree on what we consider 'big' or important things, then we don't do them.   Just because some kid plays video games at age 5 and has cutesy pictures of himself and his father, doesn't excuse the fact that he is a married man and with that comes responsibility. To his wife, to his kids, to his employer, etc.  It's time to GROW UP.    My brother-in-law started out the same way. Innocently playing games on line until the wee hours of the morning. Then came chat rooms, then e-mails and phone calls, then 'business trips', and finally an affair.  His wife, despite her efforts to get him to stop with the gaming crap,  was ignored. Fight after fight did no good.  It came to a end when she confronted hiim, called the number on his cell phone and told the 'honey' that he was a married man with a daughter.  BIL came home with his tail between his legs, and is now remorseful for what he's put his familiy through.  All of this took 4 years to culminate.   

  

  

 
March 2, 2006, 10:13 am CST

I know the deal

I know how Marcy feels when it comes to the feeling of "covering up".  I think some have misunderstood where she was coming from.  I have a  14 year old son who was 11 when my my husband and I started dating.  It is not a matter of my son not respecting my husband but more a matter of "rules rules rules".   Don't get me wrong.....my son knows that there are rules that he must follow.  Does he always do that?  No......as Dr. Phil says, "he is a teen" and I understand that.  My husband also came from a military background and was in the military himself for a few years.  Unlike Jeff on the show, my husband has a relationship with my son and they spend alot of time together doing fun stuff.  You cannot expect a teen to do everything the way you want things done, or to do them with enthusiasm at the drop of a hat.  Most of them are lazy to a point and I don't believe that they think of conseqences when they are debating on when to do something.  I think Jeff was extreme as my husband is at times.  I also think that Darcy was doing as Dr. Phil said......being selfish by letting them get away with things.  I too have done the same thing over the years.  I also have a daughter who is 22 who lives on her own.  After divorcing my first husband I felt I had to do things for my kids to make up for their father not being here.  Mistake!   

There has to be a happy middle ground when 2 adults are from totally different backgrounds when it comes to raising children.  It's easy to try going along with a stricter parent at the moment to keep the peace, but it's not right.  Making the step parent understand that  trying to be the primary disiplinarian will not work is whats hard!   

So, to Darcy and Jeff.......hang in there and work together!  To the kids......if Jeff is willing to change, give him a chance and hopefully you will have a happy family and a home that everyone is happy to spend time in!   

 
March 2, 2006, 10:37 am CST

Hey there is someone with my life out there

Quote From: fmrouse

My husband plays World of Warcraft from the minute he comes home at 3:30 pm to anywhere between 10pm-5am.  We have two kids who he pretty much doesn't talk to and sure as hell never plays with.  This has been going on for about 5 years with all types of online games.  Our lowest point was in 2001 when he lost his job and spent nights on the game and days, when he was supposed to taking care of our son while I was at work, sleeping.  I'd come home and my son's diaper would be so full it'd be hanging off or fallen off all together.  My husband quit bathing, became a chain smoker, and our sex life was non-existent. 

     What turned it around a little was me trying to leave him for good.  So, he joined the Navy and cut game time down to 2 hours or so a day.  But, he's back to the all nighters.  I cope with it because at least he is working and my now 2 kids have a decent life, albeit void of a decent dad. 

     Why is the game so important?  My husband told me once that the game is his reality and maybe once our son gets old enough to play he could start forming a relationship with him.  (He did try to get my son to play Everquest when he was 4 yrs old, needless to say it didn't work out.)  He would also like me to get in on the game so our relationship will be better.  But, what if I turn into him and then our kids won't have a mom, too. 

     Our life now consists of him being on the game while I take care of the household, the kids, and basically do whatever I want as long as it doesn't interupt him.  I surround my kids with friends and family for a little male role modeling.  And my husband comes out for holidays. 

     I'm not sure if this will ever change, but I've learned to cope for the time being.   

Hi Neighbor, sad isnt it, but your life sounds like my life, and I dont think I've ever seen another one put it like me. Does he have headphones too? Mine sits with headphones on all night and is frustrated when he has to remove them to answer me, so I've given up talking to him  and find myself talking to the TV at night, it doesnt answer me either? LOL. I laugh because if I didnt I 'd cry, and I've done enough of that. Everyone thinks it's so simple, well just leave then, it's not that simple, he has no other habits (other than smoking) He has a job, but  I know why  he plays, it is an escape from having  not fulfilled his dream, but I also know he enjoys them so very much, I wouldnt care about the games, if he only played them at night ,and during the day , he spent it with the kids on the weekend, but it's not something I wish to fight over anymore. My 14yr is trying to take after him and that's all he cares to do as well in the winter, summer its golf or games, but I will not allow my child to turn into his father, he has to earn his time, by bringing  home the grades, what he does on school work daily , allocates his time playing, but no longer than three hours a day. Now that may seem like alot, but I have to say, it;'s worth the A's and B's he's bringing home on his school work, he also has to do other activities or he cant  play, I may not be able to stop his Dad from it, but I sure can stop our child. I dont want him to stop playing either, I understand his enjoyment, he works hard and deserves it , I just wish he would be interested in us as well, and maybe put some balance into it, but I have come to understand that I cannot change it, only he can, and I dont think he ever will.
 
March 2, 2006, 10:37 am CST

Stepson huge wedge in marraige

My 19 year old stepson.Ryan, decided to move in with us after high school graduation 6/2004. When he arrived he didn't know how to answer the phone, did not have his drivers license, know how to do his laundry, be accountable for his own actions. We have been working with him. He now has his license, a car, can answer the phone and take a message and is on his 4th semester at the community college, but  he is on academic probation.This has been a bone of contention since he moved in and is not a very good influence on our now 16 year old son. Last year we had him tested at a Learning and Attention Disorder facility and the report from the doctor  stated that Ryan is ADD, has encoding and decoding issues and also has depression and anxiety issues. As a step parent I can only do so much. I have had to force my husband to get involved. He claims he's working on it, but it's now March and Ryan is not in therapy or getting any of the help he needs. My husband and I argue about this on an ongoing basis. As a mother it kills me to see this happening under my roof. Ryan refuses to even talk about it and lies to cover up what he claims he's done or  that an appointment has been made.  Ryan will be 21 in 2 weeks - please help.
 
March 2, 2006, 10:41 am CST

maybe helpful advice

Quote From: rileynl

Please don't be little my husband.  I understand your point and I appreciate the support and you make valid points but I love my husband and he is a good man and we have a good marriage.  This piece on gaming was supposed to be about happy marriages with one issue.  I don't think anyone would kick anyone to the curb w/o a lot of effort and time and that is why we are working on the issue to help define boundaries and to work with one another to help resolve the issue.  He is not a boy and I resent the implication there.  

  

Everyone this is his hobby it doesn't make him any less of a man because he chooses this as his hobby. 

I take it you are an at home mom which means that you work 7 days a week. I assume that your husband works only 5 days a week. Maybe you can try to work out a schedule in which you both work 6 days a week, meaning that he gives up one of his days off to give you one day off. This doesn't mean that it has to be a full 24 hours but maybe 5 or 6 hours so that you can take a break and enjoy yourself by going to the gym or hanging out with friends or family members. Also on that day, once you get back from your outing, you can allow him an equal amount of time with his games. The shared day off would be the family day where your whole family goes out and enjoys doing something together. Maybe grab some friends and go to an amusement park or to an indoor pool (or outdoor depending on your location) Find things to share that you find in common. and finally, I noticed that you have 2 computers. Maybe after you get the kids to bed you could try being his team mate on the game and you can work together against the other on-line competitors. Who knows you may like it and he may be so impressed with your skills that he enjoys that you have his back in the game. Become team players!!
 
March 2, 2006, 11:06 am CST

03/02 Our Biggest Battle

 Much like other hobbies, there are going to be people that don't understand said hobbies. 

My sister collects stuffed animals, and she's 23.  She had one child, and she's very mature for her age.

Some people have hobbies that could be considered "childish" by other people.  I figured as long as my sister isn't sleeping with stuffed animals and using them as a coping mechanism, it's all good.  It's kinda like the beanie baby phenomenon back in the day. 

Video games are the same way.

...and by the way, for those of you who think that video games are for kids and only for kids, why are more and more games getting "M" (mature) ratings (that is, the equivalent of the movie industry's "Rated R"?)  Surely, if I had children, I wouldn't want them playing Grand Theft Auto. 

So if video games are for children and Grand Theft Auto is not for children, then where is the target market for such a game?

The bottom line is that everyone has at least one hobby that somebody doesn't (and probably won't) understand. 

Just don't let the hobby get out of control.
 
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