Topic : 03/02 Our Biggest Battle

  My fiancee' likes to play online computer games with all of his free time.. it gets in the way of us spending time together since we arnt' lving together. He likes to play all night if he can. sometimes he will be in his game room for about 5 hours at a time. We have talked about it and he thinks I need to find a hobbie and we should do are seperate things.. but I like to spend time with him when im over there. He tries to not play as much cause he knows I dont like it, but he still plays a long time and I know thats really what he wants to be doing. I also try to not mind what he does.. but deep down I feel like thats more important. So i cant imagine a few years down the road if we have kids if he will choose games over them.. that would be horrible! will this ever get better??? or am I going to have to deal with it!?!?! Stressed!! ps. I do really love this man!!!! but I dont want my future kids to be punished for my mistake!

The computer can be very addicting and sounds like this man is there and I certainly would not marry the guy. You have to speak up now and remmeber, that we teach people how to treat us. before myhusband and I were married we were going through a little bit of a hard time, I eventually looked at hima nd told him that I loved hima nd I wanted nothing more but to spend the rest of my life with him as his wife but if he couldn't set me as a high priority on his list then I wanted nothing to do with marying him and told himt hat I did not want to see him til he figured out what he wanted in life and how he was going to fit me into life if this is what he wanted, he had to make some decissions. Lucky for me, he realized that I wasn't gonna be second best to him and that he needed to include me in his life more then what he was doing. I wasn't about to marry some one who wasn't even sure what his future goals were. it actually changed his life and the good thing is we did get married and he is an awesome husband and father. Chances are if he is treating you like this now, he will continue to treat you like this right along with your children. There has to be compromises and trust and security in a marriage. Don't do anything that you have doubts about, you will only be setting your self up for failure.

It seems so craz that any couple would battle or have an all out war over the discipline of the kids.    Why is it such a problem for your kids to abide by the rules and respect others? That is the makings of a responible respectable adult.  I would absolutely never allow my kids to be disrespectable to me or my spouse.   Is it turmoil they want to cause?  But battling over it ohhh, for me thinking baout it NO WAY! 

  

Sorry to be so candid 

 I think what causes the problems in so many relationships is not whether to teach the children to abide by the rules and respect others but how to go about teaching them that. In some marriages one parent will believe you should yell, scream, threaten, degrade, and otherwise bully children into listening while the other will believe you should lead by example, talk, discuss, and set reasonable consequences for breaking rules. Then of course, both parents think they're way is the right way and it becomes a battle over who is right and who will get their way (a lot of times).

I will be definitely watching this show.  My husband and I have been married for just under 2 years and sometimes it is very hard to deal with the arguments we have over my sons.  I have four sons and my husband has a son and daughter.  His daughter (14) comes every other weekend and my twins (13) are at home still.  I have never met his son, my oldest son (18) is in the army stationed in Korea and other son (16) lives with his father.  The problem lies with the discipline of one of my twins.  My son is a dreamer and has somewhat of a drama personality.  He has a huge imagination and sometimes he stretches the truth with the activities he does with his friends or school or whatever.  I believe it to be harmless but my husband calls him a liar.  We argue because my son may do something wrong like not following rules and my husband throws the book at him sort of speak.  Sometimes I feel that my husband doesn't like my son because he gets along with the rest of them.  Instead of talking with son to try to solve issues he belittles and talks down and then the war is on because I can't stand that.  We try not to fight in front of my kids but they know and I think my son plays into it also.  I'm not sure what to do because every time I tell myself that things will be different it ends up blowing up in my face.  There are alot of other issues that lead up to all of this but it will take forever to write.  So I will watch and tape the show and hopefully I will get my husband to watch also.  Dr. Phil, I have come to totally respect and understand what you say.  I tell everyone you make so much sense.  Where were you so many years ago.  Thank you.

 I have been with my man for 16 yrs. We have two children, it will not get better. I am at a loss. All his free time is spent with Video Games. The children are lucky to get an hour a week with him, and me, well, there is none. My advice to you is either to bare with it, but  do not have kids, unless he  realizes all on his own about his addiction and what it is costing him and you, but my experience tells me different. He feels as long as he's not spending his time in a bar or out catting around, he should be able to do as he chooses, no harm done, he's at home. I worked it out  and kept track of all his hours in one month, it was almost three hundred. When it was brought up to him, he could not believe that I actually wrote down his hours, he was more angry at that, and his cousin , which is another problem , couldnt believe it either. He goes over to his house at least once a week to play with him, for at least 6 hours, and if his brother is in town, then it's more. I have made my bed and now I have to lie in it, but I say to you, do not have children, becasue it is not fair to them, noone likes to be aware of the fact that their Father would rather play video games, or with strangers online , than with them. Believe me it's a very hard cross to bare. It's also heartbreaking to watch and to live.

It sounds to me like you know in your heart what is right.  Please remember its your life too, and you dont have to accept the feeling of being left out. Thats not a good relationship.  Sounds to me, like he has ALOT of growing up to do, especially if thats how he spends the majority of his free time. Don't you want more for yourself and your children(someday)? He is showing you what makes him happy. It's up to you, to see it. Good Luck and Dont Settle!  Its ok to be alone too!

 When I first got together with my boyfriend of 5 years I didn't realize how much video games consumed his time.It got to the point where he was up all night playing them, going to bed around 7 am and waking up at 1pm for work.  

  

 For awhile I was very hurt by this and considered leaving. After looking into the situation and asking him why he played so much was because for him these games are an escape from reality. An escape from his family, work, bills, college, ect. Not exactly the healthiest escape but far better than drugs and other women. 

  

My only advice would be to ask him if everything is okay, that you are there to talk and help find solutions to problems, ect. At first, it might throw him off a bit, but he'll eventually come around.  

  

After 4 years, I simply started playing the games too. Granted we're both young (23 and 27), but its somewhat entertaining and shows that regardless I'm still there for him and willing to try new things.. 

well.. when children are involved the senerio is different.   

  

Sounds like he has a deeper issue he is trying to cope with. Express your hurt in a logical way that is nonthreatening/overly confrontational and also stress the importance of a father-figure in your childs life. Maybe use examples of how people who didn't have fathers in their life turned out.  

  

Good luck. 

     Oh, I know this game. Let's see how many of the stupidest things we can find to fight about. I admit that 99% of the time I start them, but he's an avoider and I'm a " let's get our cards on the table and resolve this RIGHT NOW " type of person. I hate having to stay silent about things. Only problem? I don't know how to approach things tactfully, so here I am, already having gotten myself all riled up emotionally about whatever it is, and then in that heightened mood decide to go to war with him about why it is that he can get his dirty plate to the counter, but not manage to step 2 more feet and put it IN the sink. If started early enough, this fight can ruin an ENTIRE day. It really sucks.