Message Boards

Topic : 06/23 "Stop Ruining Your Child!"

Number of Replies: 190
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:30:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 03/03/06) Has anyone ever told you how to parent your child? Maybe you find it annoying ... or maybe you're afraid they're right. Pam says her sister, Diana, is making huge mistakes when it comes to parenting her 5-year-old daughter, Sydnie, who scratches, kicks, screams, and terrorizes everyone in the house. Pam says Diana's lack of discipline and desire to be the "fun mom" is ruining her niece, and she's tired of being the only one trying to control Sydnie. Then, Stephanie is concerned that her husband, Steve's, yelling, raging and threats are damaging their kids. They've even separated because he can't get his anger under control. Dr. Phil gets to the bottom of the problem and uncovers a tragic loss from Steve's past. Talk about the show here.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

More June 2006 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 2, 2006, 5:04 pm CST

What I did that worked.

Every parent has their own ideas how to raise a child & how not to. I can tell you I learned from my parents just as they learned from theirs & so on. The process is 'usually' past down through the generations. Now this can be a good thing at the same time I believe it can be a bad thing. My parents were what I would call firm. If they said it, they meant it. There was no whining until you got your way. There was no throwing a fit. There was no getting out of being grounded for a week. If they said a week then it was a week, not a day or two ... a full week! Unless ofcourse you questioned their decision, then it may go to two or three and so on. There were five of us children, all 9 months and 30 minutes apart in age, so there was no 'grey' area. Everything we were told was very black or white. I recall very few spankings for any of us. There was no need for that, we knew what was expected and we did it ... for the most part. 

I raised both my daughters the same way. When I made a statement as to what the punishment would be if a certain behavior occured ... guess what, I followed through with it to the letter. Yes, there were times when they pushed the limits and I may have been busy talking on the phone or entertaining dinner guests or doing yard work. It would have been very easy to 'let this one slide' but I knew that would be setting myself up for failure as a parent.  

Children are much smarter than we as parents give them credit for. It only takes a couple of false threats to show them they can manipulate you. Once they figure that out, you've lost. Score is now: Child: 1 Parent: 0 

It is my opinion that the biggest mistake parents make is trying to be a friend and a parent. Forget that plan! You can not be both until the child reaches about 22 years of age. I can honestly say that during the childhood and teen years, I was NOT their best friend and for that I am proud. Their BEST FRIEND during those years was probably the kid that was going to get them into trouble, had they not had a firm mother. I am equally proud to say that I am now their BEST FRIEND and they both call me dialy to just talk about their day and often ask for advice and even recipes. 

The best advice I have ever given to a new parent is this: Don't allow your kid to be the one that your friends look out the window when you pull into the driveway and say  "Oh damn, they have that kid with them."   

Make a statement and follow through with it until the end. If you do that, you will be sending this same message someday! 

  

 
March 2, 2006, 5:52 pm CST

Sometimes parents should consider...

What others have to say.  I have often observed my father and his step wife with their toddlers and made suggestions as to how they could communicate better with their children.  Maybe it is none of my business but I do have more success with those kids than they do.  They don't give their children boundaries and then get *angry* when the little ones misbehave.  My little sis (4) walked several blocks to 7-11 for a Slurpee at 8:00 at night downtown without her parents knowledge.  I see it as a product of their not adequately supervising her activities, also bad locks.  They see it as a fluke.  It is hard being a parent, no doubt, but occasionally another close observer has something to offer.  Oh, and by the way, the techniques I use that are so successful with the sibs are modified from what I use with my dogs.  My father's wife may hate it when I make the loose comparison but it does work for me.
 
March 2, 2006, 8:11 pm CST

More spoiled kids?

I am so frustrated with parents who refuse to disipline their children. We are raising a new generation of disrespectful children who can not cope in the real world away from mommy and daddy. It is no wonder that so many teachers are leaving the profession. They are exhausted with the parents who are down their throats when they try to make their kids behave. I personally know so many teachers who are quitting after years of schooling because they have no control in their classrooms. If you don't make your kids behave at home they will misbehave at school and every where else they go. For those of you who refuse to discipline your children I will say I have seen your children, in my home, at the grocery store, in restaurants, at church, etc. They are the ones who are rude, loud, disrespectful, and totally out of control. The ones who make everyone else uncomfortable. I never wanted to be my children's friend, they had plenty of friends. I was their mother. If I made them mad when I disiplined them, then too bad. I was not afraid that they would not love me because I wanted them to learn social skills. My parents made me responsible for my actions and I love them for caring about me. My goal with my kids was to know that when they were away from me I didn't have to worry about how they were behaving at other people's homes. My children are grown now and they never gave me any serious trouble. They were never perfect and they did stupid things like all kids do but there were consequences for their actions. If they got in trouble at school they were in double trouble when they got home. I never went to a teacher and jumped on them because my precious child just never did anything wrong. Teachers are there to teach and an out of control child cheats the entire class room. I am anxious to see how this mom defends her child's temper tantrums.
 
March 3, 2006, 3:15 am CST

03/03 “Stop Ruining Your Child!”

texas1968, knkansas, and devcamsie all have good points. 

  

Parents are a child's first teachers.  The child will learn how to cope with life based mostly on how the parent approaches the child.   

  

If the parent emulates childlike behavior, then it will probably teach them that this kind of behavior is acceptable (or they might rebel against it, and perhaps try to grow up too fast, but this is less likely).   

  

Homeschooling is not a bad thing.  If I recall one episode of Dr. Phil when he touched on this subject (I think the mother wanted the home schooling while the father didn't--he had all the stereotypical fears in addition to thinking "the child would turn gay"), Dr. Phil stated that homeschooling is not a bad thing, as long as you are willing to add in extra-curricular activities of SOME KIND to allow them to socialize--what they do not have in the homeschool environment.   

  

However, if what texas1968 states is true--that these mothers are overprotecting their children, then they have as selfish of motivations as Darcy did from 03/02/2006 (yesterday's) show: instead of acting on the child's best interest, they're acting on their own emotions.  In Darcy's case, it was guilt, but in these parents' case, it's anxiety: anxiety from their children being exposed to the cruelties of reality.  Sheltering children from reality actually makes them MORE VULNERABLE because they don't have the necessary coping skills it takes to handle situations like those of us that are exposed to it and come up with ways of coping (whether some of these ways we use are healthy or not is anyone's guess...) 

  

Although I should elaborate on Luccib's point a bit: 

  

It IS everyone's business what you do with your child - you are living in a town, you are part of a neighborhood, your child attends a school with other kids - it's not about outdoing your neighbor or giving the child what you never had.  Sometimes the less you give them and the more you expect from them the more successful they'll be.  Don't be afraid to say no - they love you anyway...and I speak from experience.  

  

Is it really everyone's business?  I would say so if their behavior is detrimental to the public eye and disrupts the lives of those around them.  Sure, we all want to be right-fighters here, but we can't save the world.   

  

...or maybe I've been taught that interfering in someone else's business is rude.  Perhaps that's completely false?  Perhaps there's a tactful way to do it?  The reason I ponder this is because I do know a few individuals that I question the way they raise their children.  However, I haven't raised children myself (in fact, I've just recovered from a lot of my own maturity problems!), so that fact will always be used against me, despite my good intentions.  Perhaps it's best to butt out and let the professionals (such as Dr. Phil) handle this?  Perhaps there are no professionals in these individuals' lives that could give them a wake-up call? 

 
March 3, 2006, 6:00 am CST

I work with kids just like Syndie

I am a nurse in a psychiatric hospital that treats children as young as four and adolescents. While some of these kids are mentally ill. Many of them have what's called Conduct disorders which is a fancy term for brat and a way to get insurance companies to pay for the hospital stay. Dr. Phil right about one thing society and the school just will not put up with kids like this. What happens is they go to school go berserk when they don't get what they want and start hitting others, scratching biting and even destroying property. Most school don't even call the parents anymore. Police bring these kids as young as 5 to our facility in hand-cuffs on 72 hour hold for being a danger to them selves or others. If you don't think a 5 year could dangerous you have tried to hold one during one of these fits. Parents come to out hospital angry and upset because they can't by law take their children home for 3 days. Many can't take them home for a week or more because as long as they are displaying this kind of behavior the courts still see them as dangerous. After a week or so in a highly disciplined environment these kids do settle down and eventually go home, But they are often in the hospital again month after month. I have talked to parents about commando parenting and those who try it usually have pretty good results.  Well I'm off to work now but I know I'll see at least one like this come through the doors today. So Sad 

  

  

Mischif 

 
March 3, 2006, 6:55 am CST

Come sit by me!!!!

Quote From: devcamsie

I am so frustrated with parents who refuse to disipline their children. We are raising a new generation of disrespectful children who can not cope in the real world away from mommy and daddy. It is no wonder that so many teachers are leaving the profession. They are exhausted with the parents who are down their throats when they try to make their kids behave. I personally know so many teachers who are quitting after years of schooling because they have no control in their classrooms. If you don't make your kids behave at home they will misbehave at school and every where else they go. For those of you who refuse to discipline your children I will say I have seen your children, in my home, at the grocery store, in restaurants, at church, etc. They are the ones who are rude, loud, disrespectful, and totally out of control. The ones who make everyone else uncomfortable. I never wanted to be my children's friend, they had plenty of friends. I was their mother. If I made them mad when I disiplined them, then too bad. I was not afraid that they would not love me because I wanted them to learn social skills. My parents made me responsible for my actions and I love them for caring about me. My goal with my kids was to know that when they were away from me I didn't have to worry about how they were behaving at other people's homes. My children are grown now and they never gave me any serious trouble. They were never perfect and they did stupid things like all kids do but there were consequences for their actions. If they got in trouble at school they were in double trouble when they got home. I never went to a teacher and jumped on them because my precious child just never did anything wrong. Teachers are there to teach and an out of control child cheats the entire class room. I am anxious to see how this mom defends her child's temper tantrums.

We are kindred spirits!!!  This new trend of letting your child act like a hellion under the guise of "self expression" irritates me to no end.  I did think that the sister with the obnoxious little girl was on a path of destruction.  However, it's not her sister's place to tell her how to parent her child.........However if I were the sister I would avoid both of them like the plague.  I am 35 years old and GASP my parents actually disciplined me!!!!!!  that's right folks I was grounded and I even recieved the occasional spanking. Wonder of Wonders  I am not a serial killer nor do I hate my parents and I'm not in therapy over the "abuse" I suffered.  I am a responsible hard working wife and mother who understands that life has rules and even if I don't agree with them I still have to follow them. 

You Have to be your childs parent not there friend 

  

 
March 3, 2006, 7:02 am CST

03/03 “Stop Ruining Your Child!”

My intuition is telling me that this should indeed become a lively message board. 

  

Parents and non parents alike seem to harber extremely strong views on rearing children.............can't wait to observe/join in this topic. 

  

Peace 

 
March 3, 2006, 7:09 am CST

03/03 “Stop Ruining Your Child!”

Quote From: Luccib

After reading all the messages I think it's safe to say that what it all boils down to is it takes a lot more effort to be a GOOD  parent than a FUN parent.  The object is to prepare your child for life by teaching, guiding, praising, disciplining, loving and that takes more time and effort than ignoring what they've done, giving in to what they want, assuming it's a stage they'll grow out of, etc.  As for the motherinlaw who doesnt make her child bathe regularly - we've all battled the tantrum - but you dont give in.  The mom who thinks it would be fine to buy her child a corvette if she wanted to - why? 

What will you buy the child in hghschool - a Mercedes?  It's not about pamppering them and showering them with gifts.  It's about rewarding their hardwork or the responsibility they've shown.   

It IS everyone's business what you do with your child - you are living in a town, you are part of a neighborhood, your child attends a school with other kids - it's not about outdoing your neighbor or giving the child what you never had.  Sometimes the less you give them and the more you expect from them the more successful they'll be.  Don't be afraid to say no - they love you anyway...and I speak from experience. 

After reading all the messages I think it's safe to say that what it all boils down to is it takes a lot more effort to be a GOOD  parent than a FUN parent.  

  

Absolutely! Kids don't want their parents to be their best friend. They want boundaries. They want routine. They want limits. And you're right, it's harder. But your kids will thank you in the end by becoming responsible, level-headed adults. 

  

  

 
March 3, 2006, 7:16 am CST

My ex friend had a brat like this

Note I said "ex" friend.  She had a son who would pinch, pull hair, slap and head butt.  When I complained to her about him pulling my daughter's hair, she would smart off and say, "Well, she shouldn't have gotten her hair in his way."  She refused to discipline her child, and as a result I parted ways with her.  No friendship is worth having someone else's undisciplined brat hurt my kids.   

  

I hear from mutual friends that this boy, now five, gets sent home from school all the time for violence towards other children, and the mom does nothing but defend his actions.  The grandparents refuse to babysit for him.  His baby sister has been injured several times as a result of his behavior, and baby number three is on the way!  The family dog hears the word no more than this pint-sized trainwreck.  And yet, the mom, in an effort to be his best buddy, has banned any punishment or direction.  It sickens me. 

  

Just for the record, I have very well behaved children.  They have heard the word no many a time, and they adhere to it.  They have their faults to be sure; as a matter of fact, I fear going into their room because it is a disaster area!  But I don't get called to the school for disciplinary actions, I don't have to resort to spanking or any corporal punishments, and the kids LISTEN.  And I'm still their friend, we have a closer bond than most moms and daughters/sons.  My girls are excellent examples for their toddler brother, and there are NEVER any arguments between my husband and I because are kids are misbehaving.  There's no need. 

  

Sydney's mom needs to realize that the word "no" is not a dirty word.  Kids need boundaries.  They can still be kids and have certain rules to obey.  You don't have to raise a hand to a child in order to get them to be good kids.  I am mystified by mothers who refuse to show their kids the correct way to act in society.  You are doing these kids such a disservice by not guiding them through life the correct way.  Sydney will only grow up happy and healthy if you set up the boundaries RIGHT NOW.  Wait any longer and it will be too late.  It's too late for my ex friend; her son thinks she is an idiot.   

  

I get the feeling you are doing what you are doing now so your sister doesn't "win".  This isn't a contest, it is your daughter's future you are messing with here!  Your sister has a right to defend her son from his cousin's onslaughts, but if you don't want sis raising your child, get off your duff and do it yourself.  Fish or cut bait; it is time to decide to take action, for Sydney's future happiness.  It can only be good, I promise. 

 
March 3, 2006, 7:50 am CST

Where is Mom?

Steve should learn better technics for parenting but I also would like to know what mom is doing in all this.  I never saw her through all the taping of steve, helping him with the children.  All I saw was her arguing with him over how he treats the children.  Putting aside his emotional problem if Mom helped alittle more an they agreed together on discipline for the children Steve would be less stressed.  They both had children not steve who is feeding the baqby and getting the children ready and mom just stays in the room because she thinks she is being mean to the children.
 
First | Prev | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | Next | Last