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Topic : 06/23 "Stop Ruining Your Child!"

Number of Replies: 190
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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:30:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 03/03/06) Has anyone ever told you how to parent your child? Maybe you find it annoying ... or maybe you're afraid they're right. Pam says her sister, Diana, is making huge mistakes when it comes to parenting her 5-year-old daughter, Sydnie, who scratches, kicks, screams, and terrorizes everyone in the house. Pam says Diana's lack of discipline and desire to be the "fun mom" is ruining her niece, and she's tired of being the only one trying to control Sydnie. Then, Stephanie is concerned that her husband, Steve's, yelling, raging and threats are damaging their kids. They've even separated because he can't get his anger under control. Dr. Phil gets to the bottom of the problem and uncovers a tragic loss from Steve's past. Talk about the show here.

 

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March 3, 2006, 12:27 pm CST

Becky

Quote From: flik_tweet

I dont need to see the show to understand this. 

  

My sister is constantly telling me that she wants to take me onto the Dr. Phil show for this exact same reason. I keep telling to go ahead. We are exact opposites. She spanks, yells, and swears at her kids. She is neglectful and hypoctical. I do not critize her, but probably should more. I do not scream, yell, swear or hit my children. I have a steady routine and am consistant and very protective. She is always saying something about my *lack* of parenting. (her opinion of course) 

  

We both live in the country. I was over to her house visisting. Both our children where 2 years of age. She wanted to send the energentic children out to play outside...unattended. When I said ok but I was going to go out with them, she proceeded to tell me how over protective I was and how she just checks on her son every few minutes. I said that a two year old just is not old enough to understnd bounderies and curiousity could too easily take over what we as adults see as logical no-no's. She then said that HER child knew and understood and it was my lack of parenting and talking with my child that made her not listen well. Also by not gining her opportuniies to have bounderies to break and get disaplined for when they do, how whould she learn how to listen about bigger stuff? 

  

A few short months later, I was talking on the phone with her while watching both my children outside. I mentioned that my son needed a diaper change and I stepped inside to grab one, about 10 seconds of being away from them. She was quick to tell me to be carfeul about leaving my children alone outside because one day she had sent her son out to play. She checked on him every few monutes but one time he didnt answer and could not be seen. She went out to get after him for going around the house, something he did often. But he was not thereeither. A few yells later and no answer, she got started to get scared. She started to look for him and right away decided to look down the road, a place he knew better than go, and figured he probably wasnt there. To her surprise (gasp) he was nearly a quarter mile down the road, just a few steps from walking to the national forest where he would have never been seen again. Of course she spanked him good and then grounded him in the house.  

She does not understand why I dont want to send out daughter over to spend the night anymore. There are other things, like pretending to shoot a cat after throwing it off a bunk bed. Spanking her for dumping a bottle of shampoo on her head after leaving her unattended in a bathroom, dog poop left in my nephews room for months, and long term issues with our daughter as results of these things, when she stated herself at just 3 1/2 that she did nto oant to be left there without mom and dad.  

  

Im pulling my hair out! And I went over there just after her second was born and spent the day cleaning half the house so that she could rest. Not once have I critized her. I try to be helpful. I mentioned that her new dog was pooping in her sons room just so that I could very gently make some awarness about it. Then she tells me it was a different dog months either that had done it. SO frusterating. And when her husband was hlaf an hour late home, he mentioned well she wasnt alone caue I was there. She told hime, I was there to clean the house cause he couldnt. Neither of them can! 

  

I cant wait to see the episode but I am telling you, I am NOT excited to hear from my sister about how much I can learn from it.  

  

Becky 

time to stop helping your sister i've been there done that and got me no were its time your sister grew up  

  

nancy 

 
March 3, 2006, 12:28 pm CST

What worked for me

I don't feel right commenting on what these people may or may not be doing wrong. I don't know all of their story, so if I may I'd like to just state what worked for me.  Bye the way if was funny to me when after writing for the first time on the mother-in-law ... show I went back to see if anyone responed to my remark & found that  my comment didn't fit with the rest. Funny how we come from different places. I just thought that I am a mother-in-law of sorts & this is what works for me.  Anyway on to the subject at hand. When my girls were small, I took the attitude that discipline was a very important part of my job. How you do that, teaches them sooooo much & also makes them feel powerful that they can have some say in their own life.  For example they knew if I said it I'd do it. They also learned about consequences & taking responsibility for their behaviour. I didn't have to yell. We had this thing...I'm not sure I can even take credit for but it was a pride thing for them that they understood how to act & knew respect for peoples things & when they were say grounded or whatever, they understood why.  We talked about everything & I think if the punishment is fitting of the "crime" & you are problem solving or teaching & not venting & acting out of anger, then I think they understand that that is your role as their parent.  It is something that is started when they are very young. No always means no, but as they got older on some things I would negotiate with them. That worked really well. Actually, that also started early on.  There were some things that were not negotable but I explained why not & they may not have liked it, but they trusted me &  we didn't dwell on it.  I also picked my battles & sometimes gave them room to make a mistake or judgement in error that wasn't going to compromise their safety so that they understood on a small scale that mistakes need to be cleaned up & allowed them to take responsibility for making things right while I was there to support them.  I think that is a great teacher. It worked in homework area, helping with house chores ( I'm a busy person, so if they wanted to do something together or go somewhere in the evening then they knew that if I had to do all   the housework etc,. then there was no way I could fit it all in.  That is just what it is. It is a fact of life, there's only so many hrs in a day.  I think the girls liked the satisfaction & freedom that this basic understanding allowed them & I didn't have to hollar beg whatever for help. I often came home to a suprise of some sort, laundry done, dinner made... We have a great relationship still & we will often talk about things that either of us are thinking about doing or whatever & in the end they make up thier mind or I mine & we respect each other & our opinions & carry on.  It may sound too simple, but I think a lot of how sucessful you are at disciplining is in the spirit of the disciplining & staying true to your feelings. If you're sad be sad, (they hurt your feelings or whatever), if your frustrated be frustrated (repeating yourself too much with no result from them)... & explaine your posission & allow them to express themselves to you. Actually now that I think of it listening is key also.  I'm not a know it all beleive me, I've made my mistakes, although it's easier if you don't require absolute perfection from everyone around you, then when you screw up, there is some understanding for you.  

 
March 3, 2006, 12:30 pm CST

The dad who screams at his children...

I had a step mother who use to scream and yell at me (including profanites) from age 5 to age 15 when I left her home... I never had any love there, and was very afraid of her.   I don't want to come off as though I'm beating up on you with what i'm saying, because obviously you heard it from Dr. Phil, but you really need to stop what you are doing. Those are just children... Even if they were adults - NO ONE deserves to be spoken to that way.  But what you are doing is crushing their little hearts and building a wall up between you and them.   If I were your wife, I would take the children and get far away from you until you got some serious help for your anger problems.  You must have a serious inner wound from the way someone had treated you in your childhood or past...but you should't take this out on your precious little ones.  They need love and patient teaching... 

 

You said you are a "little harsher" with your step son?  You treat ALL of them horribly.  If social services new of the verbal abuse you probably wouldn't be near those kids much longer.  

 

I seriously pray that you stop your behavior... Your children will have so much pain from the problems YOU have in your own life.  

 
March 3, 2006, 12:43 pm CST

03/03 “Stop Ruining Your Child!”

Quote From: mamawolf

beanie i belive this mom say she does work did she not . if so well then dad is a stay at home dad so he has to learn how to deal with his  his kids while mom is at work and stop calling them names . and if he needs help and wants the help good for him then mom and dad can to this together

All, 

  

  

It appears that this child has been mistreated and neglected for a very long time. He is acting out and needs lots of patience and attention. He also needs to feel loved. I have always said treat people how you would like to be treated. It goes for the youngest to the eldest. 

 

Let's be honest, who is the mindful adult here? It show lack of parenting skills. Love them and hold them while you can. Life is way to short!!!! 

 

Jo 

 
March 3, 2006, 12:44 pm CST

03/03 “Stop Ruining Your Child!”

Quote From: caina0304

i honestly dont know if i want to even get into this because i know that i'm going to offend someone and then ill have to hear..read..whatever about it and i dont want to get myself all riled up....but, i have 2 toddlers, my oldest will be 3 in june my youngest 2 in april. I know they're young ut i wont deal with any obsessive amount of crap from them. If i ask then to please hlep clean up their mess...they WILL help clean up their mess... If i ask you to please stop doing something, you WILL stop doing it.  

  

i try my hardest to have patience with my children but sometimes when i am REALLY serious and they keep on acting up...they will recieve a spanking. When my oldest kept pushng my youngest down, into walls, into the chair....after 3 times of warnings and those little crappy time-outs..i told her ' i swear, if you push you're sister again, i WILL spank you' and she pushed her and i spanked her and I havent had that problem since...some new one will crop up i am sure. 

  

However, when they do as they are asked, i do praise them and they might get a treat, or if its nice ill take them to the park which is right next to the house. i am there often....sometimes even ill give them a little money at the store if they are behaved so they can pick someting out for themselves. See, they have a thing for M&M's.... 

  

About the girl flicking the rubber bands...she rightly deserved that. She's 10. She's not stupid. She knows better. One can only put up with so much of a child's crap..ESPECIALLY when you cant stop it nicely, your husband thinks you making it up and refuses to take responsibility for his own child. Surprise, here's a rubber band for ya. 

  

And the 12 year old boy who cant do anything for himself...Dang, my kids do waaaayyyy more than he does. When i was 12, my mom worked nights and my dad was lazy and if me and my 3 siblings wanted to eat.....someone was making something.....but them my mom knew better and we always had easy handy things to make. 

  

But now, i want an opinion...the other day my oldest daughter had a bug in her butt and was a weenie...it was time for lunch and i said 'Please pick up your toys and ill make you your lunch'. She refused. I told her i could wait.... 2 hours later, she finally gave up. Came over and told me she picked up her toys, which i knew she did because i watched her and her sister pick them all up. So i thanked her and her sister and told them that next time, they should pick up their toys when i ask them too. She of course when "*sigh* ok, mom' and they ate. The next day, i asked her the same and they picked them right up..... 

  

Now, i;m not starving my child or anything but she learned mighty quickly that she has to do as i asked to get what she wanted....she has a thing for peanut butter, ya know? 

  

  

  

I don't think that's the only way.  Like you said in your own message, it's about when you lose patience that you spank them.   

After my mother left my abusive father, she did not spank any of us.  Her kids are all college graduations, none of us were juvenile delinquents.  We're all contributing members of society.  We all write thank you notes and say "please, thank you," and help strangers and loved ones.  You don't have to spank your kids to teach them the right way to live.   

No one has to have children- they are a gift from God.  And I'm not some childless lady saying this- I'm a mom and my daughter's entering into the terrible twos, and i do understand losing patience and wanting to spank a child.  But that's not about teaching a kid, that's about wanting to exert control over another person.  That's my problem and I don't have a right to make it my child's.  

The other day, she threw a fit, in a public place, and I was mortified.  Part of me wanted to yank her up and spank her and run out of there.  However, that doesn't teach her anything.  I told her she couldn't act like that, started to walk away, she picked herself up, and came over to me for a hug.  Then she told me that she wanted a snack.  (Which is probably why she was short-tempered in the first place- and I think that parents do a lot of that- have kids hungry or tired and expect them to do way too much without remembering that they lack adult capacity).   

It just doesn't have to be that way.  Don't get me wrong, I know people whose parents spanked them and were still loving parents.  But the happiest, most successful adults, in the happiest marriages  that I know all came from households without violence.   

I'll also add that I was a domestic violence prosecutor and worked with about 1000 offenders and not one of them wasn't spanked as a child, and none of the victims came from non-spanking households either.  

 
March 3, 2006, 12:44 pm CST

Know the 2nd couple situation too well...

...From the child's side. I grew up being verbally abused - called names like retarded and stupid. I still have low self-esteem issues when it comes to certain areas in my life but I was able to forgive the parent doing the name calling thanks to Dr. Phil's Life Strategies. 

  

Its very rough being on the receiving end of name calling especially when a horrible and vulgar name is coming from a parent. He is teaching his children how to be verbally abusive.  

  

This father better straighten up real quick or the second his son is tall enough and old enough it will make for a very bad situation. The children will grow up resenting their father and resenting the mom for not rescuing them. 

 
March 3, 2006, 12:44 pm CST

Steve - it is

VERBAL ABUSE.  It is wrong.  Period.  Fix it. 

 
March 3, 2006, 12:46 pm CST

every one is differnt

no one is perfect but i was always told you can't spoil a child with to much lovin guess what you can't  you have to be firm with them and let them know that you care it all depends how you handle the child or childern and the problem at hand 

  

nancy 

 
March 3, 2006, 12:48 pm CST

03/03 “Stop Ruining Your Child!”

Quote From: skyeyez9

I have an 12 yr old brother in law.  His mom pampers him and spoiled him to the point its disgusting to watch.  My MIL asked me to help clean his room (UHmmmm why can her healthy 12 yr old son do it? I asked)  I refused to clean it when he was in the next room.   

       

      He has never had to lift a finger.  Dalton asks his mom for a glass of juice, she will get it for him. I have never seen him get anything for himself. He doesn't even know where the bowls and cups are located in his own kitchen. My mil cuts all his meat for him (remember hes a perfectly healthy 12 yr old), when we go out to a buffet, MIL gets all his food for him, he justs stands next to her telling her what kind of food to put on his plate for him.   

  

    My husband was heating up some soup in the microwave for my 2 yr od daughter, Dalton asked if he could have some too. My husband said "you can have anything in this house, as long as you make it yourself."   Dalton walked back into the living room and watched tv.  He didnt eat all afternoon cause nobody would make him a sandwich or heat up some soup.  He would literally starve if nobody was there to hold his hand.  Couple of times, I have tried to help him learn to use the microwave, or heat something on the stove, he refuses to learn. Cause Mommy does it for him. 

  

When we visit, he smells awful, because his mom doesnt make him bathe or brush his teeth. He probably showers and brushes his teeth once a week.  My MIL says that just now normal boys are.  Funny, cause when I was 12 none of my friends or classmates only showered once a week. My MIL will often cook 2 different dinners. One for us and one for Dalton because he doesnt want chicken....he wants pancakes and steak.  And she cooks it!!!  I think she purposely does this because she wants him dependant on her.  It will be interesting to see how he will turn out when he is an adult. 

The way he is going he will never become an adult, just a 40 year old child living with his mother.  When I was his age I was cooking my own food and doing my own laundry, and so was my brother.  Normal boys do not act like your BIL - I wish you luck and hope you don't put your kids in too much contact with what will be a very negative influence.
 
March 3, 2006, 12:59 pm CST

DIANA

Your sister may love your daughter but she is having trouble liking her.  That is your fault and you're doing your child NO favor. 

  

The NUMBER ONE REASON you have got to get your child under control is you are setting her up to have some real trouble socially.  At the school the other parents will end up possibly passing stories of the troublemaker in the class.  She will be known as the kid the other moms do not want to come over.  She will possibly be left out of social get togethers cauz as much as another parent hates it they have trouble wanting to be around the child after a while.  It will hinder her social life.  You seem like a really neat person and I know you would not want this.  You have to change this for her sake.  :) 

 
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