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Topic : 06/23 "Stop Ruining Your Child!"

Number of Replies: 190
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Created on : Friday, February 24, 2006, 11:30:09 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 03/03/06) Has anyone ever told you how to parent your child? Maybe you find it annoying ... or maybe you're afraid they're right. Pam says her sister, Diana, is making huge mistakes when it comes to parenting her 5-year-old daughter, Sydnie, who scratches, kicks, screams, and terrorizes everyone in the house. Pam says Diana's lack of discipline and desire to be the "fun mom" is ruining her niece, and she's tired of being the only one trying to control Sydnie. Then, Stephanie is concerned that her husband, Steve's, yelling, raging and threats are damaging their kids. They've even separated because he can't get his anger under control. Dr. Phil gets to the bottom of the problem and uncovers a tragic loss from Steve's past. Talk about the show here.

 

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March 3, 2006, 1:00 pm CST

I get it,but..

Quote From: bachor

one cant judge someones parenting styles until they have lived in there home andwalked in there shoes.  its real easy to see a child and parent interaction for a few moments and make a judgement but know one knows what goes on behind closed doors.
 I get really fed up with bad parenting and bratty kids, but you're right. Sometimes, there can be circumstances that make it look like the parent is negligent. My oldest grandson had severe behavioural problems when he was a child. It took six adults to control him one time when he went into a rage. My daughter was accused of bad parenting AT FIRST. When it was finally recognized that he had serious problems, he was put into  an institutional setting and several support workers later came to my daughter and apologized for thinking it was her  fault.  I think most people can see the difference between a brat and a sick kid, though.
 
March 3, 2006, 1:03 pm CST

Patience Is A Virtue...

The human condition is affected by so many diverse factors.  In both situations the parenting needed some serious adjustments.  In both situations the parents also understood that for the sake of their precious children they were willing to affect those changes. 

  

I wish them well. 

  

Peace 

 
March 3, 2006, 1:14 pm CST

Remember the Drill Sergeant Dad?

Quote From: kodonnell

I had a step mother who use to scream and yell at me (including profanites) from age 5 to age 15 when I left her home... I never had any love there, and was very afraid of her.   I don't want to come off as though I'm beating up on you with what i'm saying, because obviously you heard it from Dr. Phil, but you really need to stop what you are doing. Those are just children... Even if they were adults - NO ONE deserves to be spoken to that way.  But what you are doing is crushing their little hearts and building a wall up between you and them.   If I were your wife, I would take the children and get far away from you until you got some serious help for your anger problems.  You must have a serious inner wound from the way someone had treated you in your childhood or past...but you should't take this out on your precious little ones.  They need love and patient teaching... 

 

You said you are a "little harsher" with your step son?  You treat ALL of them horribly.  If social services new of the verbal abuse you probably wouldn't be near those kids much longer.  

 

I seriously pray that you stop your behavior... Your children will have so much pain from the problems YOU have in your own life.  

I did the Extreme Parenting show last year.  I accepted a lot of criticism as a parent for being "too passive" with my daughter.   Personally, I believe that communication is key.  Consistency, balance, love and boundaries are crucial.  Screaming and yelling can happen to anyone at times, but when it's constant, and you see a child fearful, miserable and clearly doubting their own self worth, something has GOT TO CHANGE!!!  It doesn't mean that the strong disciplinarian parent is wrong, but we have to understand our own boundaries.   

It has to be the hardest job there is.  Being a parent.  We have to have a license to drive, to hunt, to fish, and to do so many things, but to be a Parent, the hardest job of all, we have to have faith. 

From one parent to the other, hang in there!!! 

Julie 

 
March 3, 2006, 1:27 pm CST

Questions to the group

Several people have stated quite firmly that no one should try to discipline another person's child, or pass judgement on their parenting techniques.  Wisdom isn't bestowed upon parents at the moment of birth in a beam of light - they start out in blissful ignorance and get on-going on-the-job training and hopefully read up on a few things.  But event the most conscientious and well-meaning parents are going  to make mistakes. 

  

1.  If no one can speak up about those mistakes, how are the parents to learn how to do things better or get any other perspectives or ideas?  Or even know what their kids are doing behind their backs? 

2.  Aren't family members are in a position to make comments or suggestions for the good of the children, especially if they see something drastically wrong?   

3.  Or are family members just supposed to shrug their shoulders and let the kid suffer the consequences later in life? 

  

I can't see scolding strangers in public places, but I think the "not my kids, not my business" attitude is irresponsible at best.   If you are expected to interact with the kids, you have some right to tell them to stop kicking the dog or jumping on your furniture or screaming at you.   And if you are related to the kids and love them and want the best for them, how can you keep silent? 

 
March 3, 2006, 1:32 pm CST

My sister has four spoiled brats

My sister is ruining her children.  She is older than me and didn't even want kids until she held my youngest.  Then she said "I want one of these".  Well, she had more than one of these...she had four.  She is not consistent with discipline or rules (which I made a point of being...kids need consistency).  She, or rather her stay at home husband, makes the kids each meal, their own favorite meals.  They are literally spoiled brats.  They whine, throw temper tantrums and always end up getting their way and whatever they want because they know that they can.  They range in age from almost 18 to 9.  The 15 year old daughter is the worst behaving child.  In fact, the state took her away from her parents and put her in foster care because of her behavior.  My niece threatens her parents lives if they don't give in and has actually tried to hurt them.  My harshest memory of my niece's behavior is her going to the garage, getting an ax and threatening her parents if they didn't give in.  They couldn't handle her, so they called the police.  This was when she was only 13. She also instant messaged to someone on the internet that she was going to kill her parents if they didn't do as she said.  I've always believed that discipline starts in the crib.  No, I never hurt my kids at all.  I may have had to spank them in their early years to keep them out of danger but not as an older child.  I used other means of punishment, such as taking away priveleges and time outs.  Really all four of her kids are messed up, but my niece is the worst by far.  Not only is she now in foster care, but she's also pregnant at 15, has been on drugs, hopefully not now that she's pregnant.   She is giving the baby away for adoption.  She has had to go to "boot camp" and then was on probation.  She was in juvenile for a while also and then on probation.  She had to keep being on probation because she kept failing her drug tests.  She's a beautiful,  very, very intelligent child, but has thrown her life away so far.  Now she doesn't even attend school but around three or four times per week because she doesn't feel like it and her foster mother doesn't make her go.  Believe me, the other kids, especially the two younger ones, are headed this way also, maybe not as extreme.  I believe that some kids may be more prone to acting out, but when all four do, I think it has to do with the parenting skills, or lack of parenting skills.  Yes, my sister and I had a rough childhood, emotionally abusive dad and a controlling mother and the like, and she's using that as an excuse for spoiling her kids.  I used that as a learning experience.  My kids, well actually they are not kids anymore, ages 19 and 25, are happy, well adjusted ADULTS and are in college, both working jobs that they love, are responsible and are in happy, successful, long term relationships with their girlfriends.  I'm not trying to brag on myself at all, but most of their lives, I was a single mother and don't think that I did too badly.  Here my sister is still married to her children's father and they BOTH cater to these kids and let them run the household.  My current husband and me have even thought about taking one or two of them in, even the troubled niece, but knew that it wouldn't work, that the kids would end up calling their parents and crying when we tried to make them do what they were supposed to.  What do I do?  We have a brother also, an older brother and his kids have turned out well also.  Its just my sister's kids.  They are literally ruined for life unless they have enough inside themselves as they grow up to rectify their own situations.  I hurt for these kids.  Holidays are a nightmare with all of her kids whining and crying and demanding the foods that they just have to have or they won't eat and they also fight amongst themselves constantly.  Its such a shame.  She thought that she was doing what  was best for them, but ended up possibly ruining their lives.
 
March 3, 2006, 1:36 pm CST

I'm not saying i spank when i get mad....

Quote From: brtat1

I don't think that's the only way.  Like you said in your own message, it's about when you lose patience that you spank them.   

After my mother left my abusive father, she did not spank any of us.  Her kids are all college graduations, none of us were juvenile delinquents.  We're all contributing members of society.  We all write thank you notes and say "please, thank you," and help strangers and loved ones.  You don't have to spank your kids to teach them the right way to live.   

No one has to have children- they are a gift from God.  And I'm not some childless lady saying this- I'm a mom and my daughter's entering into the terrible twos, and i do understand losing patience and wanting to spank a child.  But that's not about teaching a kid, that's about wanting to exert control over another person.  That's my problem and I don't have a right to make it my child's.  

The other day, she threw a fit, in a public place, and I was mortified.  Part of me wanted to yank her up and spank her and run out of there.  However, that doesn't teach her anything.  I told her she couldn't act like that, started to walk away, she picked herself up, and came over to me for a hug.  Then she told me that she wanted a snack.  (Which is probably why she was short-tempered in the first place- and I think that parents do a lot of that- have kids hungry or tired and expect them to do way too much without remembering that they lack adult capacity).   

It just doesn't have to be that way.  Don't get me wrong, I know people whose parents spanked them and were still loving parents.  But the happiest, most successful adults, in the happiest marriages  that I know all came from households without violence.   

I'll also add that I was a domestic violence prosecutor and worked with about 1000 offenders and not one of them wasn't spanked as a child, and none of the victims came from non-spanking households either.  

What i was saying in my previous statement about spanking with my kids was that i spank them when i am SERIOUS..when they think i am screwing around on certain things..Like when my oldest kept pushing her sister..i gave her far warning first...she knows about the spankings... and she pushed her again and i spanked her...end of the pushing thing... 

  

Now, my dad used to spank me over the DUMBEST things..play inthe dirt *spank*, didnt clean your room *spank*...but i RARELY spank, and i find that absolutely fine in some cases....when my oldest pushed her sister into the chair and made her lip bleed..i was PISSED..but i didnt spank her then....that is when she got the warning..with that 'look'..you know...that ' you know this is your last warning' look :P But, if you mean business in matters like that..spanking is exceptable. 

  

Also, i am not worried about her growing up to hate me. When she gets spanks, after a few minutes she always comes back to me and wants a hug..i tell her i love her but she can't do whatever she did EVER....then she'll give that cute little nod and say sorry to her sister and they hug and then run squealing like the whole thing never happened.. 

  

Also, on the whole domestic Violence thing...i bet those offends got alot more then just a simple spanking. Spanking out of love and concern is one thing....spanking because you are really mad is quite another. They'd have more issues from their pasts then getting spanked rarely. 

  

  

 
March 3, 2006, 1:39 pm CST

It's true

Quote From: isabeaur

The way he is going he will never become an adult, just a 40 year old child living with his mother.  When I was his age I was cooking my own food and doing my own laundry, and so was my brother.  Normal boys do not act like your BIL - I wish you luck and hope you don't put your kids in too much contact with what will be a very negative influence.
My ex boyfriend is 39 years old and still lives with his parents and his Mom buys all his clothes for him.  The sad thing is he is GORGEOUS I mean male model model material here.  But his Mom has insured that no woman will ever take him away from her
 
March 3, 2006, 1:57 pm CST

To Stephanie

Please excuse me if this has already been said but I have to say it too.  I couldn't even watch beyond the intro to your story because Steve treats your kids like my father treated me and I still have severe emotional scars from it.  For the sake of your kids, either get him in anger management and therapy or get the kids out of his influence.  The sooner they are no longer hearing what f'in idiots they are, what jackbleeps they are, the sooner they can start to heal.  I promise you already those children have scars and will need therapy.  I am especially worried about your older daughter, how she goes into her room and cries and is so sensitive to it.  I want to take your kids and tell them how amazing they are, how strong they are, how sweet they are just because they are not hearing it from the one person they need to most.   I can still remember every hard word, every name, every undeserved critisism my father said to me and although I have forgiven him, I am still haunted by the memories. 

What concerns me is that in the little I saw, he showed no remorse for acting that way.  He seemed to be blaming the kids for his actions, for making him lash out.  Your husband is an adult, not a surely teenager, and his actions are his own.  HE IS AN ADULT.  Adults should not be lashing out at kids like that when they have neither the emotional or mental ability to understand that it is NOT THEIR FAULT that daddy acts that way.  My heart is breaking for your kids and all they will have to go through to overcome the emotional abuse.  Physical scars heal but the emotional ones run deep and never truely go away; you just have to learn to overcome them, learn to live with them and, like I do, protect those whom you see in danger of having to live with the same scars. 
Being the amazing man he is, I am sure Dr. Phil has offered help and I only willing your husband is able to take it.  It took a divorce, years of anger management, AA and finally health problems but my father is finally over his anger.  I, however, will have to live with it for the rest of my life.  Please, help your husband, help your children, and help yourself begin healing.  Steve is not a bad man, and I hope I didn't give the impression I think he is.  There are no bad men, just bad reactions. 

Good luck to you and your family. 

 
March 3, 2006, 2:02 pm CST

My husband is just like that. We are on the verg of seperating.He is mostly like that to my children I had before we got married. We need help ver bad. If anyone can let me know where to get help, PLEASE let me know. He does this on a daily bases. One of

 
March 3, 2006, 2:33 pm CST

Hard to tell

The outcome of how a child is raised seems like a game of chance. My sister's twin boys never had manners, they were destructive, rebellious, people dreaded visits from them. My children were well mannered, behaved pretty good, people loved to have them visit. Her husband was abusive to her, but they stayed together until the youngest of four was 17. My children's father died when the youngest was 8. I raised them alone because I never met a man I thought would be a good role model or one that took any interest in them. I thought I was a good mother. My daughter got into drugs and my son went to prison for a burglary. Maybe you could say it was the company they kept, but I believe it is something I did wrong, didn't get the messages through to them about consequences of actions, etc. My sisters kids on the other hand, never went to prison, never got out of control on drugs, finished school and one is married. 

Go figure. 

 
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