Quote From: tezzie2720Dear Dr. Phil,
I am probably one of your biggest and most faithful fans. I first followed you on Oprah and then on your own show. I am an Educational Psychologist and a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who works with adolescents. More importantly I was a victim of an abusive, controlling and manipulative man. Despite all my years of education and training, I did not realize or recognize what was happening until much of the damage was done. I only knew about physical abuse. If a man were to put a hand on me, that's was so clear cut. Nothing in my education, training or life experience prepared me for the type of manipulative I encountered in my home and in the counselor's office.
I consider myself highly intelligent (graduated from 4 colleges with high honors, my advanced graduate degree with a 3.98 GPA). Until I married this man I was always highly respected and admired in both my personal and professional life. After marrying this man and being completely confused by his contradictory words and behaviors, his contradictory public versus private behaviors and finally being informed by the police that what he was doing was emotional and psychological abuse, he had already done significant damage to the marriage, to me and to my reputation. This information was later backed up by the police who informed me he had a record and history of abuse as well as conversations with his children and ex-wife and court documents I obtained.
You see he had also ruined his first wife's reputation and turned the tables on her. I was told his first marriage ended because she had an affair. She was made out to be the town slut by him and people believed him. His own children told me of his abuse to them and what they witnessed him doing to their mother. They had been intimadated by their father and warned not to share information with me. Until me, he had never had anyone stand up to him. Everyone was afraid of him and afraid to confront him. His prior history of abuse was a well kept secret.
In the past I have watched couples on your show where it appeared that abuse was going on and I have been frustrated that you appeared not to recognize it. On another ocassion when the abuse was out in the open, I was frustrated with how you handled it. During both these ocassions and today I kept shaking my head and saying to myself, "I love you Dr. Phil but you don't get it". You are not alone. Most counselors and therapists out there do not. This is my case in point. Even the most reputable counselors out there are furthering and revictimizing abuse victims because they don't get it either. Some think if they take a workshop or a class (if there are any available) they understand emotional, psychological abuse. Most are dead wrong.
The first counselor we went to was one I had nothing but the highest regard for. He knew me prior to this relationship and we had a mutual respect and admiration for each other. After meeting my then husband, he was absolutely taken in by him. At one point he asked me to leave counseling so he could work with this "sweet and dear man". I was devastated. Of course I had no idea what this "sweet, dear man" was saying to the counselor when I was not present, but I did know how much this "sweet, dear man" lied, distorted, rewrote and completely fabricated experiences while I was present. It wasn't until later when I showed him the documentation that he apologized and wrote a letter in my behalf. This sweet man used the counselors, he even alleged he had them document things against me. The stories of manipulation would blow your mind. For example, once when we were arguing he was playing with what looked like a tape recorder in his pocket (he had previously told me that he had tape recorded our conversations). When I asked what it was, he hid it. When I reached over to try to grab it, he jumped up from the couch and started walking around the room saying things, like "don't do that to me, "stop that", "stop", "don't come near me", "stop it, stop it stop it" "stop! on and on. He completely staged a scene that if you didn't know that I was sitting on the couch the whole time you would be convinced I was beating him. Who would they believe? What evidence did I have that he staged it and I never touched him?
We went to one counselor who refused to believe me and would not provide me with confidentiality to share the information with him. I was separated from him but still in fear of what the retribution would be if he were to find out I had exposed him. When the woman on your show said that she would pay for what she said on that show, let me assure you -- she will. She won't have black and blues (that would blow their cover), he will however find more ways to manipulate the situation and set her up. This counselor told me that until he met me, based on what he said he thought I was some kind of psychotic. He also admitted that my credibility had never been an issue and he had a "tendency to distort things" but he still believed him not me. He was in a position to help us but instead he furthered the abuse and I had to get out to save myself.
Just as the couple today, it became a he said, she said. I would sit there in complete frustration and say, "that's not true", "that didn't happen" and we both looked crazy. I didn't want to be right, I just wanted to work with the truth. I had no problem owning up to my faults. His tactic was to turn the focus of me and they didn't know who to believe. Though not a police officer, he worked with the police. His former wife could tell you plenty of stories about how they protected him. Fortunately for me we did not live in the same time that he worked and the police were the ones to tell me of his abusive history- they were the ones who convinced me he was abusive.
An abusive man will do almost anything to cover his tracks and divert attention away from his abuse. His main tactic is to turn the tables and accuse you of whatever you accuse him. The manipulation is incredible, these are not stupid men (though you may initially think so). The manipulation is unbelievable and space does not permit me to detail some of the unbelievable things that do to set you up so that you look like the crazy one. End result, they come across as the consummate Mr. Nice Guy and you as the unstable one. I know this first hand. Frequently counselors without the sufficient training are taken in by them and even join in with him to further victimize the other.
I can't say for sure if this is the case with this couple but listening to him gave me the chills. I recognized the tactics of trying to make her seem unfit. Now if she did cause bruising on her child than she was wrong and may need help for her anger. Based on the fact that they agreed that hitting their children was acceptable and based on the fact that he turned her in -- it smells like manipulation to me. When she said I just want him to stop that's how I felt. Please stop the manipulation and the games.
The problem is that if you talk to the children, they will be so afraid of their father they will likely they will not expose him. Additionally, they are master manipulators who use many tactics to confuse others into doubting themselves. Abusers are exceptionally good at lieing because they believe their own lies.
(Original Air Date: 03/06/06) You’ve heard it all before: “If I want it done right, I’ll have to do it myself.” Dr. Phil looks at control freaks, and how their behavior can destroy a marriage. Jim thinks his wife, Sinden, is the most controlling woman in America. They’ve recently separated because, he says, she picked out his clothes, told him what he could watch on TV and micromanaged his finances down to how much he could spend on a candy bar. But Sinden says there’s a darker side of Jim, a police officer of 20 years. She calls him a master manipulator who rules by intimidation. Find out why she says she fears for her life. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
