Quote From: cruikieWhy is it so difficult for you to wrap your mind around the rational that there may have not been warning signs? When these sociopaths are finally exposed, their PARENTS who have known them their ENTIRE LIFE were not aware of their deceiving manipulative ways (again, think Scott Peterson.) You have tried to present yourself as a professional in this field, but your comments reek of poor judgement and unsympathetic ill-given advise and commentary.
My initial comment to you was no one was PLAYING the victim. They truly are victims. You make it sound like it is some sort of game, that these women have requested this behavior and are now whining about getting exactly what they deserve. These issues are real. The pain they are experiencing is real. There is no aspect of these situations that can be catagorized as PLAY.
You say: "And I don't think that the Dr. Phil website is a congregation of all the people who were victimized without any warning signs." Why WOULDN'T this particular message board forum attract those who have found themselves in the very situation presented on the show? By your reasoning, if the show focused on those who had difficulty losing weight, would you complain that the message board audience isn't a congregation of those with have had failed diet attempts?
You move on to quote Dr. Phil: "He has said that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and by that very logic, the most enlightening and stunning reflection of current misbehavior is the rotten stuff a guy did in the past." What if the behavior has not presented itself until MANY YEARS later - years after the dating, the marriage, the mortgage, the children. You seem to say that women are seeking out "bad boys" and should not be surprised or complain about the way they are treated. Like many of the posters have said, these controlling, manipulative men portray themselves as model citizens and pillars of the community, until all hell breaks lose (in other words, they begin to lose control.)
Another point that you missed was the slow, methodical seduction of these manipulators. Not only are these women the subject of control, violence and abuse, their self-esteem has been slowly erroded away. Their confidence is destroyed. The begin to feel that cannot make sound judgments. They are reduced to being a shell of their former self. Quite often, they do have have the emotional strength or financial resources to make the change, to get out. A true professional be sympathetic to their hardships, and not blame them and imply they are of poor moral fiber to have found themselves in these situations.
This forum, or as you say "congregation of all the people who were victimized without any warning signs" is the perfect venue to vent, to complain, to compare notes. If one victimized woman gains the strength and wisdom to take the steps to leave an abusive relationship, how can that be wrong?
I do not think your commentary is professional, helpful or accurate. You have basically said "you reap what you sew." You have complaints with the nature of the commentary on this message board. This forum is doing exactly what it is geared to do. It is giving victimized women a voice, the ability to communicate and share and quite possibly heal. That is something your snide insults and negative commentary will never do.
Of course what I meant by the Dr. Phil website's not being a "congregation of all the people who were victimized without any warning signs" is that the chances are strong that not all of us had negative experiences without getting a preview early on in the relationship. There have been several messages detailing the presence of those warning signs, which supports my ability to say just what I said.
The Dr. Phil website, in particular, would be the place to commune with others who have begun the arduous work to overcome their struggles with abusive relationships, eating disorders, mental illness, what have you. I wouldn't expect to see many people here who have not used some of Dr. Phil's advice, or who do not have uplifting tales of overcoming life's struggles through other methods. Many, many people posting on this board do share tales of uplift, and I've also witnessed postings from people who continue to simmer in destructive relationships, and I just wonder, what is the best way to help them? Would a controversial few statements jar someone out of a holding pattern that's causing further turmoil?
Rather, those statements are met with the defense of a person's right to define themselves as victims. I've defended in previous posts a person's right to be called a victim, essentially the right to use victimization as a springboard from which to begin the assent to recovery.
Of course I quoted Dr. Phil's maxim about past behavior being a good indicator of future behavior because it's true. That doesn't mean that we shouldn't be traumatized by negative relationship experiences, whether or not we saw them coming, but only that we should always seek to exert a sense of ownership wherever we can. I've mentioned that in some cases men and women seek out people who will not make good partners because we're blinded by goals of being loved and accepted. It's easy to feel accepted by someone who is clearly not up to our speed, and so we may seek that relationship that results in a great power struggle. Of course, in mentioning that this happens in "some cases" I do not mean "all cases," only some.
There is a strain of psychological study out there that will extoll the virtues of abandoning the concept of victimization and embacing the idea of having full control over one's destiny (an immensely empowering thought, isn't it?). Perhaps we need the more senstive branch of psychology sitting next door to the more assertive branch, each to enlighten the other.
Let me add again the completely insensitive notion I previously made, that it is a sign of suspect moral character to bring a newborn baby into a hostile environment, be it a war zone, a smoke-filled room, or an abusive relationship.
But you're completely right in that this website should be a place where we can vent. It's good to vent. But can I not vent too? I have my own set of values, my own beliefs and experiences. I've found that my contribution to society that has been in highest demand is my criticism, and so when I vent it comes out in the form of social commentary. To me, it is expelling the same carbon dioxide that is expelled when others vent; it may look like poison, but it is used by the environment. Is the Dr. Phil message board not a place where we can share social commentary without feeling that we've spoken out of code?
Other than this, I don't know what else I can say to convince you that I have the right to hold such views as those I've expressed.
(Original Air Date: 03/06/06) You’ve heard it all before: “If I want it done right, I’ll have to do it myself.” Dr. Phil looks at control freaks, and how their behavior can destroy a marriage. Jim thinks his wife, Sinden, is the most controlling woman in America. They’ve recently separated because, he says, she picked out his clothes, told him what he could watch on TV and micromanaged his finances down to how much he could spend on a candy bar. But Sinden says there’s a darker side of Jim, a police officer of 20 years. She calls him a master manipulator who rules by intimidation. Find out why she says she fears for her life. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
