Quote From: jargreenYes, but more often than not there are warning signs. And I don't think that the Dr. Phil website is a congregation of all the people who were victimized without any warning signs.
Dr. Phil would probably argue with you on your first paragraph. He has said that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and by that very logic, the most enlightening and stunning reflection of current misbehavior is the rotten stuff a guy did in the past.
What gets me is how several postings on this message board have talked about having lived with abusive, controlling, just downright bad guys and STILL LIVING WITH THEM. I personally feel that it is a strong indicator of poor character and obviously low self-esteem to remain loyal to a creep and to continue having children with him.
As for people changing over time, I should hope that folks do evolve and enter new phases of life, but when it comes to abusive and controlling megalomaniacs, they generally do not evolve or willingly enter new life phases. That's why I'm fairly certain that they have always been abusive and controlling, all the way back to the first few dates or the first couple years of the marriage. With the amplified personas these rotten guys have, I firmly believe that there are always an array of warning signs.
It is in the tunnel-vision search for love and validation that women (and men) apparently overlook those instances that should be lightbulb moments of insight into their men's (or women's) character. Later, they have the right to be called victims, I suppose, because they have been dealt great trauma in their relationships, but is it not an empowering thing to be able to call yourself on what mistakes you're responsible for, to claim rightful ownership over the successes and failures of a relationship, to take back your body and spirit and destiny from the jerk you lent it to all those years ago, and to relay important life lessons on to the next generation of girls (and boys) who we hope will not make mistakes/be victimized as we have?
In a prior posting, I remarked that these controlling husbands require female vessels through which to filter such abusive tendencies. If these men do not find such women with which to practice their religion of megalomania, such behavior will become obsolete.
I think it's terribly unfair to use Laci Peterson as an example, for the only thing that you or I know about their life together is that Laci was a sweet girl and Scott was a habitual liar with a soft exterior, and I find it tasteless and incredibly eerie to say that the poor girl should have left the guy that eventually murdered her. In that case, I would have to give her the benefit of the doubt, and so you've presented an argument where my hands are tied.
The major thrust of the posting that you took issue with is that once victimized, some of the victims sharing their stories continue to remain in the abusive relationship and even to have more children with him. There is something sociopathic about this behavior.
Why is it so difficult for you to wrap your mind around the rational that there may have not been warning signs? When these sociopaths are finally exposed, their PARENTS who have known them their ENTIRE LIFE were not aware of their deceiving manipulative ways (again, think Scott Peterson.) You have tried to present yourself as a professional in this field, but your comments reek of poor judgement and unsympathetic ill-given advise and commentary.
My initial comment to you was no one was PLAYING the victim. They truly are victims. You make it sound like it is some sort of game, that these women have requested this behavior and are now whining about getting exactly what they deserve. These issues are real. The pain they are experiencing is real. There is no aspect of these situations that can be catagorized as PLAY.
You say: "And I don't think that the Dr. Phil website is a congregation of all the people who were victimized without any warning signs." Why WOULDN'T this particular message board forum attract those who have found themselves in the very situation presented on the show? By your reasoning, if the show focused on those who had difficulty losing weight, would you complain that the message board audience isn't a congregation of those with have had failed diet attempts?
You move on to quote Dr. Phil: "He has said that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, and by that very logic, the most enlightening and stunning reflection of current misbehavior is the rotten stuff a guy did in the past." What if the behavior has not presented itself until MANY YEARS later - years after the dating, the marriage, the mortgage, the children. You seem to say that women are seeking out "bad boys" and should not be surprised or complain about the way they are treated. Like many of the posters have said, these controlling, manipulative men portray themselves as model citizens and pillars of the community, until all hell breaks lose (in other words, they begin to lose control.)
Another point that you missed was the slow, methodical seduction of these manipulators. Not only are these women the subject of control, violence and abuse, their self-esteem has been slowly erroded away. Their confidence is destroyed. The begin to feel that cannot make sound judgments. They are reduced to being a shell of their former self. Quite often, they do have have the emotional strength or financial resources to make the change, to get out. A true professional be sympathetic to their hardships, and not blame them and imply they are of poor moral fiber to have found themselves in these situations.
This forum, or as you say "congregation of all the people who were victimized without any warning signs" is the perfect venue to vent, to complain, to compare notes. If one victimized woman gains the strength and wisdom to take the steps to leave an abusive relationship, how can that be wrong?
I do not think your commentary is professional, helpful or accurate. You have basically said "you reap what you sew." You have complaints with the nature of the commentary on this message board. This forum is doing exactly what it is geared to do. It is giving victimized women a voice, the ability to communicate and share and quite possibly heal. That is something your snide insults and negative commentary will never do.
(Original Air Date: 03/06/06) You’ve heard it all before: “If I want it done right, I’ll have to do it myself.” Dr. Phil looks at control freaks, and how their behavior can destroy a marriage. Jim thinks his wife, Sinden, is the most controlling woman in America. They’ve recently separated because, he says, she picked out his clothes, told him what he could watch on TV and micromanaged his finances down to how much he could spend on a candy bar. But Sinden says there’s a darker side of Jim, a police officer of 20 years. She calls him a master manipulator who rules by intimidation. Find out why she says she fears for her life. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.
