You have obviously not read up on bipolar, so I will give you the benefit of the doubt and just give you an honest look at the story of a young woman who has bipolar. I have always felt different and weird, like I did not belong. I learned to read when I was two years old, and I have always found comfort in my books when the pain of the loneliness becomes unbearable. At six years old, I penned my first suicide note. It explained that everyone hates me and everything would be better if I were dead. I had prayed for Jesus to just come and get me, but he did not. I folded my little note in a paper airplane and sent it to my mother. She found it before I could jump off of the railing down our spiral staircase. I have never felt like I fit in, or that I was "enough" for everyone. I felt totally alone in the world. I was so depressed that no one wanted to be my friend. Every night, I cried myself to sleep. I was very successful, academic awards, musical awards, and I won a national championship in trampoline when I was 13 years old. Still I felt ugly and unwanted and unloveable. Every night I would go to sleep wishing that I would not wake up. In high school, I fell into the wrong crowd. They accepted me and allowed me to do many things for them. I got a boyfriend. He controlled my every move, and threatened to kill me when I would not do what he wanted. He meant it. I told no one for six years. I really didn't see anything wrong with it. I found other boys who were not quite as mean, but then again I had learned not to say no. I found my husband when I was 17, a cute boy who treated me like the dirt beneath his feet and slept with all of my friends. Before long I was pregnant with my first child and abandoned. After nine months of begging, he came back to me (even meaner). I was pregnant again, abandoned again with a baby and nothing. After he had gone to jail I could offer him a place to live, so he came back. Yet again, pregnant and abandoned. I would have used protection, but I did not think that I was worth the cost of a condom. After my third child, we got married. I was totally isolated from the world, I was afraid to have the front door open, I would not leave the house or change my clothes because it would save on laundry detergent. I walked on eggshells, and was so nervous all of the time that I would set him off. I having breakdowns everyday. Each day I fought not to use that knife to kill myself, not to take any pills that I could find, not to just take my own life. I had tried so many times that I lost count. It took everything I had in me to just get through each minute if each day. There were times when I would not cook because I was so afraid that I would hurt myself! The only reason that I did not continue attempting suicide was that I couldn't be sure that my children would not find my body. That's it. I had a fourth child that I placed in an open adoption. I was too sick to be his mom. After one day of hurting so bad that I could not move, and could not get off of the couch, I was so paralyzed with pain and fear that I nearly wet myself and I could not move, I told my husband all. I said that I could not take another horrible day of this life, not one. I went to the hospital, and was officially diagnosed with bipolar. I had suffered for 23 YEARS. These are years that I can't get back. It has been two years and I work my butt off in therapy. I give it 200% and I take my meds and do what I should. My moods STILL have not stabilized, and I have dealt with awful side effects. Gained 90 lbs, terrible taste in my mouth, shaking hands, crippling headaches. I have fought tooth and nail, and I am winning. I dare you to tell me that I took the "quick fix". I nearly paid with my life many times. I sing well, I play eight different wind instruments, I speak several languages, I write well, a good athlete, a good student. At the same time, hurt, not worth anything, a total failure, and better off dead. You know what, God is a miracle worker. This is true because I am here today, and I love to make people smile. I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am a cheerful and kind young woman who would like to help other people know that they are special and that there is no one else in the world like them anywhere. Do you still think that I don't deal with my problems and take the easy way out? Did you know that 20% of the people with bipolar WILL DIE by their own hand, and that does not take into account the many that drive too fast or get themselves in a bad situation during a manic episode and die. This is real, so please pray for the healing of those in need and mourn the dead, who died too soon. There are people who die fighting this illness. I don't want to be one of them. I'll let you think about this, and I really hope that this will change your perspective a bit, and I hope it opens your heart to the suffering that goes on right in your back yard.
Smile!
~Sunshine~
(Original Air Date: 03/07/06) Dr. Phil explores the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. This illness takes its victims on an emotional rollercoaster ride -- from elation to extreme irritability, intense rage, or devastating depression. First, Cathy was diagnosed with Bipolar II, 10 years ago and claims she goes from zero to psycho in 15 seconds. Dr. Phil takes a look at the toll her disorder takes on her two boys, and brings the family together for a dramatic moment of emotional healing. Then, during various manic episodes, Fred has stolen a taxi, crashed into a Starbucks, and climbed to the top of a church. He hears voices and believes that movie stars like Denzel Washington and Robert De Niro are talking to him through their movies. Still, Fred thinks he’s ready to move out of his parents’ house and live on his own for good … but should his family let him? Talk about the show here.
