Quote From: vegemite(Not aimed at today's show.) I get so tired of seeing people whinge on about how much support and help people with bipolar need. That's true, yes, but
people so often forget the family that has to put up with them--and I do mean
put up, suffer, trudge on like a dog. I was glad to see today's show display the truth of how it was affecting Cathy's children. And I, like her children, feel there's no hope for her. In all reality, we just don't scientifically understand the illness enough yet to cure or normalize the lives of those living with it (especially those with severe cases).
I've also seen the many posts on this board that are entirely sympathetic to people living with bipolar, which is fine, but also go so far as to imply that those of us who have lived around it don't have valid pains or reflexive hurts. To anyone with bipolar: you
aren't the only victims, believe me. And plenty of people do actually understand the facts of bipolar; but book facts are so different from living around it, just as living with it. People who live with those with bipolar are in pain, too. My personal experience with my father has been that he's just so wrapped up in his own hurt and selfishness that he can't imagine anyone around him is getting caught in the fire.
He's has had various addictions that I've been caught in the middle of (as part of the bipolar perhaps? who knows.) and is mildly borderline. I'm nineteen now, looking at moving out of my home in a few months, and I couldn't be happier about that. The stress levels of even being on my own in a big world (overseas, at that) are so much nicer than those which exist in my house because of my father. He's stark raving mad.
A lot of what Cathy said on the show today is what I've heard my father say in the past--hell, last week even. And today. "I love you, I love you, I love." But the second he doesn't like something, or the second he decides to misinterpret and twist your words, his lips will purse, and "to ****ing hell with you." He's mostly this way with my mother, but being an only child, I've come between it throughout my entire life; I've had to take the role of peacemaker, believe it or not (as I know this post is pretty biting). I've also had to call the cops for my and my mother's safety once, and I've come close to it numerous other times. A man of my father's size can be frightening and intimidating, when he weighs 300 pounds more than you do and is a foot taller. It's pure hell to live in.
In the end of course, he's so, so very sorry. And he wants to repent. He
hopes he can change. Like Cathy, he's got lots of hope, and, oh, he's willing to do anything! He just doesn't want us to leave. And so on and so forth. And it lasts for maybe a few days or, if we're lucky, months. The problem with this is that he's never really sorry for the actions or decisions he's made; he's just sorry about the consequences which usually hurt him too. My father has backed my mother into corners, and yet he argues with us on what is and isn't abuse, saying that he's "never
physically harmed either of us." I'll let anyone reading this take that as they will.
Of course, when he's ready to be a five-year-old in a 400-pound, 6'2 body again, he'll "transform." Those apologies disappear so quickly! It's not an unconscious decision, or at least I don't feel it is with my father. It's rather convenient how he only acts this way when he doesn't absolutely, 100% get his way in life. (e.g. Today, he thought his fries at a fast food restaurant were undercooked, so he called the company's 800-number to verbally lay into some poor, uninformed soul on the other end. or Takes statements out of context so he can be a victim.)
These are the sorts of things I hope people who don't know anything about bipolar will be aware of, for when they do come in contact with it; frankly, I don't care if people with the disease disagree with me. People living with bipolar
are genuinely remorseful, but they
can be genuinely hateful, vindictive, cruel and manipulative too. No studies or findings on low amounts of serotonin or chemical imbalances will ever make me believe that a human being can mentally, emotionally, and physically harm their spouses and children
for no reason and be in such a "white rage" that they don't know it.
What if we gave cold-blooded murderers the same slide? (Not that we don't, to an extent, what with the "insanity" plea that is [sometimes abused.) What if we said, "Oops, you killed someone! That must be because you couldn't help yourself."
If only we all had such wonderful pardons. And second chances, third chances, and on.
I can't say this is the case for all bipolar people, but I think in the case of some (many?), and in the case of my father, they don't want to be cured or truly get better. My father loves the highs and lows, and it's obvious. He loves to get something started. From the second he wakes up in the morning (or at 6pm, if that's what he's
feeling like
that day), you can tell whether he'll be starting something or not. He'll be snappy; he'll twist your words; he'll do anything to start a fight or to hurt you. And it's about finding what works now. He used to "threaten" suicide, until he found we didn't believe him (he loves himself far too much, honestly), so now it's all about how much we're hurting him, and how he'll leave my mother and screw her over financially. (Real nice to say to your wife of 21 years.)
My father's been to many good, professional psychiatrists in multiple states and taken a plethora of pills, but pills really can't make a person
want to change, and that's where the difference among some bipolar people is, I think. Some truly want to change, and others are perfectly happy being the center of attention and energy all the time, no matter how negative it is.
I can't say I have much sympathy anymore, as I've run out of it. I'm nice to him, as a child should be to her parents, but I shall be glad to wave goodbye. :)
hey there -
I just want to say that I am really sorry for what you have been through with your father. My husband was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder. As with most bipolar cases, he has gone 10+ years of periodic relief with anti-depressants, only to sink lower the next bout of depression. There is nothing worse in this life than having to watch someone you love suffer these symptoms and know you can't say a thing to make them feel better. I know I am very lucky because he is a GREAT man and wants so badly to feel "like himself" again. With his illness, he is only hateful and mean to himself, so I can't relate to what you have gone through. I have been doing a lot of research on bipolar though and it seems that, as with anything in life, there are those who choose to play the victim and use their illness to manipulate others and excuse bad behavior. I don't know your father and I am not an expert on bipolar, but it sounds like he has certainly done that to some extent.
One very important thing about being a family member of someone with bipolar is that we have to take care of ourselves too. I want to encourage you (if you have not done so already) to seek some professional help and support. I know there are organizations that offer help for family members. Maybe check out www.nami.org or www.dbsalliance.org to see what they offer in your area. www.healthyplace.com also has some great info for family - in the bipolar community, click support. Bipolar is a horrible and debilitating illness, but that doesn't mean that you have to put up with abuse from your father. You have the right to set boundries and to have realistic expectations in any relationship! And if other members of your family choose to stay and put up with his manipulation, then that's their choice. I wish you the very best!
(Original Air Date: 03/07/06) Dr. Phil explores the ups and downs of bipolar disorder. This illness takes its victims on an emotional rollercoaster ride -- from elation to extreme irritability, intense rage, or devastating depression. First, Cathy was diagnosed with Bipolar II, 10 years ago and claims she goes from zero to psycho in 15 seconds. Dr. Phil takes a look at the toll her disorder takes on her two boys, and brings the family together for a dramatic moment of emotional healing. Then, during various manic episodes, Fred has stolen a taxi, crashed into a Starbucks, and climbed to the top of a church. He hears voices and believes that movie stars like Denzel Washington and Robert De Niro are talking to him through their movies. Still, Fred thinks he’s ready to move out of his parents’ house and live on his own for good … but should his family let him? Talk about the show here.
