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Topic : 03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Number of Replies: 1158
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Created on : Thursday, March 23, 2006, 07:13:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The letters keep coming in! Dr. Phil revisits the controversial topic of what defines the role of a wife. Ken thinks his wife, Diana, is lazy because she can't keep the house up to his standard of cleanliness. Ken works two jobs and keeps his spouse financially comfortable but doesn't understand why Diana, a stay-at-home mom, can't keep a cleaner house. Diana is pregnant with their third child in five years and says she's doing the best she can. Then, meet "Anne," who performs nude shows online to bring home the bacon. Her husband, "Rob," disapproves of his wife's method of income, but he hasn't stopped her from doing it. Now that Anne has had an affair with one of her customers, is it too late to save their marriage? Share your thoughts.

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March 27, 2006, 7:00 am CST

wifestyles

Yeeeck! If I'm supposed to feel sorry for that last couple in particular, that ain't happening. People make choices and then have to deal with the consequences. If a single mom was living in a box with her three kids who were sick and starving during a blizzard at Christmas time and SHE felt she had to strip to change her circumstances I'd feel sorry for her...maybe. But these two were just disgusting. I'm totally with Dr. Phil...what kind of man would EVER, under ANY circumstances let his wife do something so utterly degrading? I mean, even if she claimed she wanted to do it, what kind of man would stick around and tolerate it? One who likes the money, obviously. And her? Even if her husband begs her to do it, what kind of woman would? Morals, people! Get some! The love of money is truly the root of, if not all, definitely most evil. But these people were hardly scavenging through dumpsters to survive. Whatever you worship is your God...and it's clear that money is theirs. I'll tell you who I feel sorry for...their kids. God help those kids.
 
March 27, 2006, 7:16 am CST

I fail to see any positive points

After re-reading the transcript again, I just fail to see a single positive point made by Ken.  He comes across as an uncaring, cruel monster.  I would hate to subject my children to the standards that he sets.  Would they stand a better chance than their Mom has of measuring up to their Dads standards?  I think not.   I see the start of a very sad pattern here.  Run, Diane, run.  You deserve better.
 
March 27, 2006, 7:20 am CST

Ken Needs to Get Real

 130 hours a week! That averages out to 18.57 hours a day! Is he counting the time he sleeps at the fire station? Ken "honestly" doesn't remember saying that his wife is ungrateful for calling Dr. Phil and that Dr. Phil is a know-it-all. I don't think there's much about Ken that is honest. 3 hours with the kids drives him nuts! Obviously, he's not used to that level of activity--physical or mental. Do I sound harsh? I hope so. Dr. Phil was far too nice to this guy. His wife is saying she doesn't want things. She wants a husband. He doesn't get that. He thinks she's being disrespectful. Being disrespectful is saying after 5 years of marriage and 3 babies (Yes! I count the one that's on the way unlike he did when he compared his wife taking care of two kids to his mother taking care of three. Ken, if you're reading this, I've got a hint for you. Never compare your wife to mother. Nothing good will come of it!) that when you courted your wife you were just killing time. Dr. Phil talked about currencies. Ken is just plain failing as a husband and father. He thinks his wife should kiss his butt! I think she should divorce his butt if he doesn't straighten out. Once again Ken, if you're reading this, this show was your wake-up call. Get up and answer.
 
March 27, 2006, 7:36 am CST

My opinion

Ken got on my nerves BIG TIME while watching this show!  What a moron!  He can gripe and complain about how things are done, but he's so unhappy with the result?!  He needs to get off his butt and do it himself!  I really feel sorry for his wife.  My husband and I have a 19 month old daughter, and he is in the military.  He helps me out tremendously when he is home.  He knows that being a SAHM isn't easy.  Even when he's out on an 12 hour exercise, he'll come home and help me with the baby.  I would much rather live like I am now, on a tight budget and have my husband's love, affection and admiration, and his willigness to help, then to be married to a jerk like Ken who THINKS he is providing for his family, when in reality the family is unhappy.  If my husband ever told me, I don't like how you did my laundry..I would tell him, fine, do it yourself.  I think that is what she needs to do. She needs to tell him to stop his griping and become a real man and help out with his family. 

  

  

 
March 27, 2006, 7:48 am CST

A Little Humor is Needed

I was just thinking to myself how great an idea it was to set up a webcam in the bedroom and sell peekaboo time for pervs to watch me dress, undress and do various assorted things.  Then I thought to myself I couldn't actually sell it as a porn site, it would have to be sold as a comedy site!!!  Anyone who sees me nekkid would bust a gut laughing, not get all tingly!   

  

I sure hope the lady stops doing the site, but for me the idea of trying to sell myself as some pervie's midsummer night's dream brings about chuckles; no, it brings about loud guffaws.  I'm sure some of you out there feel the exact same way, know what I'm saying?   

 
March 27, 2006, 7:59 am CST

Not quite the same situation

Quote From: tkimball

I'm sorry, I know this is not the politically correct thing to say, but I have to admit that I get so tired of hearing about stay-at-home (SAH) moms who are so darned exhausted at having every day off to clean the house and take care of their families.  Sorry, but Diana's got a babysitter??  And she can't pick up the Cheerios?   

  

I'm not saying that Ken is handling his feelings right, or that's he justified in EVERYTHING he's saying, and I've never realized my own feelings about this subject until the last few similar shows like this on Dr. Phil, but come on.  I'm sorry, but I work full-time, travel an hour to and an hour back home every day, have a teenager and a toddler, volunteer as an EMT (& am the training officer) with my local rescue unit, and serve on a public committee for the town I live in.  AND I'm pregnant with child #3!  And I still manage to raise my kids - including coaching my son's baseball team (at 6-months pregnant), manage my house, and cook and clean.   No, the house isn't spotless EVERY day, but if I had EVERY day off, it darn-well would be. 

  

I know there's a big debate on how much work a SAH mom does, and I'm definitely (absolutely) not saying that all SAH moms aren't doing a good job or aren't doing enough, I guess I'm just lost at how overwhelmed some SAH moms seem to be (like Diana) when they don't really seem to be making the most of their time and managing their houses/families.   I think Ken isn't getting a very fair rap with this whole thing.  He hired a cleaning company?  I'll take it!   Sorry, I'm just not having a very easy time painting Ken as the bad guy here and Diana as the victim. 

First, let me commend you for your ability to multi-task. My hat is off to you.  

  

I do, however, see some differences between you and what the show revealed about Diana. You have a full-time job that enables you to make an income and it takes you away from your children for a big chunk of the day. That means you get to enjoy adult (meaning non-toddler talk) conversation and a sense of accomplishment from your work.  

  

I doubt your boss has ever called you "worthless" and "half a**sed", either. And Ken seems to consider Diana his employee. Ken has made it clear how much he values the role of a SAHM. According to him, "She's just a stay at home Mom." 

  

You also weren't pregnant almost non-stop for the first five years of your marriage. It sounds like you had a break between the teenager and the toddler. Diana didn't.  I can only imagine the hormone roller coaster she's been on, perhaps some post-partum depression as well. 

  

We also don't know what Ken's standard of clean may be. You yourself said that your house isn't spotless every day. Maybe he has a cow if there's a can out of place in the cupboard. We know he has problems with how she hangs clothes on a hanger. Sounds like he's asking for perfection to me. He even called himself a perfectionist. 

  

Let's also look at the fact that Ken is almost never home. And it sounds like he has no intention of wanting to change that either. Diana said she could care less about the Escalade or the purses. Sounds like Ken would rather hang out with the guys at the firehouse than be with his kids. He himself said that the few times he's had to care for him, they drove him nuts. So you've got a husband that's not only telling Diana she doesn't measure up, he's also showing her he'd rather be anywhere but at home with her and the kids. 

  

You mention the babysitter factor. We don't actually know how much this babysitter is being used, do we? Would you take the kids to a babysitter if your husband was constantly telling you how lousy you were at running the house and that he was slaving away to make money for you? I don't think so. You'd try even harder at trying to show him you don't need a sitter.    

  

With all this said, I am only trying to point out that it's so easy to look at someone's situation and say you could do it better when you haven't walked in their shoes.  

 
March 27, 2006, 8:00 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: tripleh

To who ever who wrote this, your confusing me. Even though I believe that this couple needs to sit down and talk about this issue,you are making it sound like that the children to blame for this and it also sounds like you are a controll freak. I mean I could live in a dirty house all my life and still be happy with my family. What are you getting at?
In my opinion there is no excuxe 4 this. If she is home all day pregnant or not she can clean up. She even has a babysitter while she  stays home!, give me a break the woman is lazy. I had 6 kids and a couple of them R stairsteps So I was pregnant w/a baby @home. I was able to keep my house clean.  However my husband is a big help. He'll clean, cook, sew,do laundry. So if the sucker doesn't like it tel lhim to get off his lazy ass and help, housecleaning isn't only woman's work ,if U want a clean house.  My son told my daughter once doing dishes was woman's work- he did them for a week and we have a dishwasher-but he busted those suds 4 a week and cleaned other things. Now he mops floors and cleans the bathroom and next he's gonna learn to sew and he's learning to cook. B----ing about it ain't gonna clean it.  Learn to delegate jobs. I worked, came home cleaned the house, cooked dinner, helped the kids w/homework did what I had to do. Yeah I was tired, but there's things that just have to be done and they won't do themselves.  If I needed help I "Asked" 4 it. Plus my kids had chores even as little kids. Everybody lives here and everybody helps. However when I was @ home I did most of the housework.  If something wasn't done and I didn't feel like doing it and my husband had something to say I'd tell him so do it or shut up. He'd do it or shut up. He yells loud, but I yell  worse. He doesn't want to get me started(smart guy I finally got him trained after 32 years(smile). Don't come @me w/that yakkety yak. I say handle it-handle it. By the way when pregnant w/my girls (3)I had  AM sickness the whole pregnancy and still cleaned my house and ran a daycare since I was home.  So she needs to quit beiing Nasty and Lazy and do what she has to do. She,  being pregnant, shouldn't want to be in a Nasty house, where's her pride?
 
March 27, 2006, 8:01 am CST

Wifestyles

       I am also married to a professional fire fighter, they are perfectionist. My guess would be that %75 of fire fighters have OCD. My husband would not disagree. We nearly divorced a year ago. My self esteem was gone. Neither my kids or I could do anything correct. Luckily we got to the bottom of the problem before we signed the divorce papers. I am not defendeing the wife. I work 3 part-time jobs and we are raising 3 children. We have worked out a great schedule so we can both work and feel successful and we both work on home chores together. One of us is home with the kids 90% of the time and we also make time for just the two of us. We have date night once a week. It takes two, you both have to sacrifice. We have had to adapt to each others personalities. We are both very strong minded people. He has learned to relax (for the most part), and I figured out it wasn't totally my problem. I love my husband and my family. It's not easy,but we are happy finally after 8.5 years of marriage.
 
March 27, 2006, 8:18 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

I am so sorry you are hurting.  I've lived this life and it was emotionally, physically and pschologically exhausting.  I had five pregnancies in eight years.  I home-schooled.  I moved nine times, doing all the packing, unpacking, and organizing alone.  I could never please my husband.  He was always upset at the house.  He huffed and disapproved everyday.  He even told me I had fallen off my pedestal and he didn't know how I going to get back up there.  He accused me of watching TV all the time.  I never turned on the TV.  Moving around this often prevented making friends or hiring baby-sitters, and there was no family nearby.   During an argument, he told me he did "babysit" so I could get out of the house "every time you go grocery shopping".  It was very lonely, and we never had personal time.  Every time we moved he worked 80-100 hr. weeks.  He didn't help at all around the house.  Stuff has slowed down, but somewhere after pregancy #6, I broke.  You should see the house now.  Now, there is a good reason to complain.  I've also gained 100 pounds.  

   I am proud of you for getting help.  You both need help.  He needs to realize that you're his partner, not his mother.  Things will be different than when he was young, and he should never compare you to his mother.  His work-hours are damaging your relationship.  He will get so much farther if he loves you, not critiques you.  Getting help will allow him to realize where his expectations are wrong.  As you get help, you cannot rely upon his opinions for your sellf-worth.  Don't let his statements define you.  Set your standards, find your self-worth, make time for things you love, and be happy with your accomplishments.  And whether you achieve all your work in a day or not, understand that it's okay.  This time will pass, and the housework will still be there, but your children won't.  They are what's most important.  Remember, what you do not have, you cannot give, so take care of yourself. God bless you both as you work through this. 

 
March 27, 2006, 8:23 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: mommiegwen

In my opinion there is no excuxe 4 this. If she is home all day pregnant or not she can clean up. She even has a babysitter while she  stays home!, give me a break the woman is lazy. I had 6 kids and a couple of them R stairsteps So I was pregnant w/a baby @home. I was able to keep my house clean.  However my husband is a big help. He'll clean, cook, sew,do laundry. So if the sucker doesn't like it tel lhim to get off his lazy ass and help, housecleaning isn't only woman's work ,if U want a clean house.  My son told my daughter once doing dishes was woman's work- he did them for a week and we have a dishwasher-but he busted those suds 4 a week and cleaned other things. Now he mops floors and cleans the bathroom and next he's gonna learn to sew and he's learning to cook. B----ing about it ain't gonna clean it.  Learn to delegate jobs. I worked, came home cleaned the house, cooked dinner, helped the kids w/homework did what I had to do. Yeah I was tired, but there's things that just have to be done and they won't do themselves.  If I needed help I "Asked" 4 it. Plus my kids had chores even as little kids. Everybody lives here and everybody helps. However when I was @ home I did most of the housework.  If something wasn't done and I didn't feel like doing it and my husband had something to say I'd tell him so do it or shut up. He'd do it or shut up. He yells loud, but I yell  worse. He doesn't want to get me started(smart guy I finally got him trained after 32 years(smile). Don't come @me w/that yakkety yak. I say handle it-handle it. By the way when pregnant w/my girls (3)I had  AM sickness the whole pregnancy and still cleaned my house and ran a daycare since I was home.  So she needs to quit beiing Nasty and Lazy and do what she has to do. She,  being pregnant, shouldn't want to be in a Nasty house, where's her pride?
I agree with you.  Both of them have issues. HE has not right to talk to her the way he does.  There is no reason why they can't sit down and talk like adults.  Right now she is 8 months prego, so that is different.  BUT I have been prego twice, worked fulltime and still did my part.  BUT the husband has a part too.  It's not only a woman's job, but if she stays home and has a sitter, then something has to give.  It's a 100/100 relationship.
 
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