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Topic : 03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

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Created on : Thursday, March 23, 2006, 07:13:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The letters keep coming in! Dr. Phil revisits the controversial topic of what defines the role of a wife. Ken thinks his wife, Diana, is lazy because she can't keep the house up to his standard of cleanliness. Ken works two jobs and keeps his spouse financially comfortable but doesn't understand why Diana, a stay-at-home mom, can't keep a cleaner house. Diana is pregnant with their third child in five years and says she's doing the best she can. Then, meet "Anne," who performs nude shows online to bring home the bacon. Her husband, "Rob," disapproves of his wife's method of income, but he hasn't stopped her from doing it. Now that Anne has had an affair with one of her customers, is it too late to save their marriage? Share your thoughts.

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March 27, 2006, 8:31 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: tkimball

I'm sorry, I know this is not the politically correct thing to say, but I have to admit that I get so tired of hearing about stay-at-home (SAH) moms who are so darned exhausted at having every day off to clean the house and take care of their families.  Sorry, but Diana's got a babysitter??  And she can't pick up the Cheerios?   

  

I'm not saying that Ken is handling his feelings right, or that's he justified in EVERYTHING he's saying, and I've never realized my own feelings about this subject until the last few similar shows like this on Dr. Phil, but come on.  I'm sorry, but I work full-time, travel an hour to and an hour back home every day, have a teenager and a toddler, volunteer as an EMT (& am the training officer) with my local rescue unit, and serve on a public committee for the town I live in.  AND I'm pregnant with child #3!  And I still manage to raise my kids - including coaching my son's baseball team (at 6-months pregnant), manage my house, and cook and clean.   No, the house isn't spotless EVERY day, but if I had EVERY day off, it darn-well would be. 

  

I know there's a big debate on how much work a SAH mom does, and I'm definitely (absolutely) not saying that all SAH moms aren't doing a good job or aren't doing enough, I guess I'm just lost at how overwhelmed some SAH moms seem to be (like Diana) when they don't really seem to be making the most of their time and managing their houses/families.   I think Ken isn't getting a very fair rap with this whole thing.  He hired a cleaning company?  I'll take it!   Sorry, I'm just not having a very easy time painting Ken as the bad guy here and Diana as the victim. 

I haven't seen the second show with these two yet, but I was there for Ken and Dianas' first taping.  I agree with you.  If you have babysitters and cleaning services and your friends to help how is it that you can't get things done?  Being a SAHM is a tough job and too many women give up on trying to become better.  They get stuck in a rut.  Yes Ken does seem to be a little harsh on how he says things, but he has given her everything she wants and yet she still can't seem to get it together for him.   His words are out of pure frustration! I think she acts like a spoiled brat who needs to be waited on hand and foot.
 
March 27, 2006, 8:31 am CST

I totally agree!

Quote From: donna1979

Ken got on my nerves BIG TIME while watching this show!  What a moron!  He can gripe and complain about how things are done, but he's so unhappy with the result?!  He needs to get off his butt and do it himself!  I really feel sorry for his wife.  My husband and I have a 19 month old daughter, and he is in the military.  He helps me out tremendously when he is home.  He knows that being a SAHM isn't easy.  Even when he's out on an 12 hour exercise, he'll come home and help me with the baby.  I would much rather live like I am now, on a tight budget and have my husband's love, affection and admiration, and his willigness to help, then to be married to a jerk like Ken who THINKS he is providing for his family, when in reality the family is unhappy.  If my husband ever told me, I don't like how you did my laundry..I would tell him, fine, do it yourself.  I think that is what she needs to do. She needs to tell him to stop his griping and become a real man and help out with his family. 

  

  

You are right on target , IMO. 

My husband is a police officer and we have a 9 month old . He works 10-12 hrs sometime 7 days straight but he still finds time to help with the baby and spend time with his family . He was a military kid himself so he knows the importance of quality time and to take what you can get. 

Ken needs to get real and stop worrying about the superficial and spend time working on the family situation , not his job.  

DIana dear you deserve much better . 

 
March 27, 2006, 8:33 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Dear Dr. Phil, 

     I feel you took the wife's side of the story today.  I agree she is pregnant and can't do as much as she normally probably could.  But the reality is she was half of the pair who got herself pregnant.  If you can't bend over and pick up Cheerios, then you make the child who threw them on the floor pick them up.  When your daughter rides her bike, you make her put the bike away before she gets other toys out.  One other problem I had is, if you are a stay at home mom and your husband works hours that does not allow him to be at home as much, you certainly don't need to drive a Caddilac to go to the local grocery store.  I understand the husband here has issues of his own, but I felt you were to lenient on his wife. 

 
March 27, 2006, 8:35 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: grainosand

I am so sorry you are hurting.  I've lived this life and it was emotionally, physically and pschologically exhausting.  I had five pregnancies in eight years.  I home-schooled.  I moved nine times, doing all the packing, unpacking, and organizing alone.  I could never please my husband.  He was always upset at the house.  He huffed and disapproved everyday.  He even told me I had fallen off my pedestal and he didn't know how I going to get back up there.  He accused me of watching TV all the time.  I never turned on the TV.  Moving around this often prevented making friends or hiring baby-sitters, and there was no family nearby.   During an argument, he told me he did "babysit" so I could get out of the house "every time you go grocery shopping".  It was very lonely, and we never had personal time.  Every time we moved he worked 80-100 hr. weeks.  He didn't help at all around the house.  Stuff has slowed down, but somewhere after pregancy #6, I broke.  You should see the house now.  Now, there is a good reason to complain.  I've also gained 100 pounds.  

   I am proud of you for getting help.  You both need help.  He needs to realize that you're his partner, not his mother.  Things will be different than when he was young, and he should never compare you to his mother.  His work-hours are damaging your relationship.  He will get so much farther if he loves you, not critiques you.  Getting help will allow him to realize where his expectations are wrong.  As you get help, you cannot rely upon his opinions for your sellf-worth.  Don't let his statements define you.  Set your standards, find your self-worth, make time for things you love, and be happy with your accomplishments.  And whether you achieve all your work in a day or not, understand that it's okay.  This time will pass, and the housework will still be there, but your children won't.  They are what's most important.  Remember, what you do not have, you cannot give, so take care of yourself. God bless you both as you work through this. 

I think that your story does have merit for how you feel and felt, but did you have a cleaning service and babysitters? 
 
March 27, 2006, 8:42 am CST

SAH Laziness

I myself am a SAH & have been for almost 8 years. I have 3 children, all under 10. So, I'm not about to speak on something I know nothing about.     As I watched today's show (& folding laundry), I found myself feeling disgusted by Diana's behavior & demeanor. Pregnancy & children are simply excuses for not doing what she is suppose to. I have been pregnant 3 times as well & I never used that as an excuse to not meet my responsibilities in my household. Yeah, you get tired, but you rest & get going again. You don't leave 50 Cheerios on the floor all day! That's just plain nasty & unsanitary. Diana should keep that house clean & orderly & laundry should be hung correctly , as her husband wishes. The house should be spotless, especially w/ babysitters & Mom helping out! There's just no excuse for her not to uphold her responsibilities in that house. It is her choice to be a SAH & to have kids. SAH is a job in & of itself, which includes, but not limited to housecleaning, child rearing, cooking, etc.. If Diana doesn't like her lifestyle,then she needs to actively change it instead of complaing about it.     I keep my house clean & orderly. I clean everyday. I cook everyday. I do what my responsibilities as a SAH are everyday. My husband may help out sometimes, but I do not expect it of him, nor require him to do anything. His job is outside the home & mine is inside the home. Any husband who has a SAH should not have to come home to a messy/dirty house ever. That shows disrespect & no appreciation towards the husband by the wife. So, I think Diana needs to get off her behind & do whatever it takes to make sure her home is orderly & clean. There's just simply no excuse for her not to.
 
March 27, 2006, 9:09 am CST

working mom vs SAHM

Quote From: atlswan

First, let me commend you for your ability to multi-task. My hat is off to you.  

  

I do, however, see some differences between you and what the show revealed about Diana. You have a full-time job that enables you to make an income and it takes you away from your children for a big chunk of the day. That means you get to enjoy adult (meaning non-toddler talk) conversation and a sense of accomplishment from your work.  

  

I doubt your boss has ever called you "worthless" and "half a**sed", either. And Ken seems to consider Diana his employee. Ken has made it clear how much he values the role of a SAHM. According to him, "She's just a stay at home Mom." 

  

You also weren't pregnant almost non-stop for the first five years of your marriage. It sounds like you had a break between the teenager and the toddler. Diana didn't.  I can only imagine the hormone roller coaster she's been on, perhaps some post-partum depression as well. 

  

We also don't know what Ken's standard of clean may be. You yourself said that your house isn't spotless every day. Maybe he has a cow if there's a can out of place in the cupboard. We know he has problems with how she hangs clothes on a hanger. Sounds like he's asking for perfection to me. He even called himself a perfectionist. 

  

Let's also look at the fact that Ken is almost never home. And it sounds like he has no intention of wanting to change that either. Diana said she could care less about the Escalade or the purses. Sounds like Ken would rather hang out with the guys at the firehouse than be with his kids. He himself said that the few times he's had to care for him, they drove him nuts. So you've got a husband that's not only telling Diana she doesn't measure up, he's also showing her he'd rather be anywhere but at home with her and the kids. 

  

You mention the babysitter factor. We don't actually know how much this babysitter is being used, do we? Would you take the kids to a babysitter if your husband was constantly telling you how lousy you were at running the house and that he was slaving away to make money for you? I don't think so. You'd try even harder at trying to show him you don't need a sitter.    

  

With all this said, I am only trying to point out that it's so easy to look at someone's situation and say you could do it better when you haven't walked in their shoes.  

you must be a SAHM.  I however am a working Mom and I agree some women work just to get out of the house and earn some "mad money".  However.... there is a large population of us that have no choice in the matter. Have you priced health insurance lately?  I have a new baby and I had to return to work and it breaks my heart but I'm not going to whine and cry and make my sweet husband feel any worse about it than he already does (he works full time) 

I work full time and my house is tidy, not spotless but tidy. 

I don't feel one bit sorry for Diana, she stays home and she has a baby sitter for crying out loud.  You should be able to eat off her floors. 

 
March 27, 2006, 9:26 am CST

What did you do today?

A husband pulls into the driveway after a long day of work. He steps out of the car. There are bikes, toys, and garbage all over his lawn. He walks into the house. The sink is full and  the counter is covered with dirty diches. The floor is completely covered with toys. There is a half eaten sandwich on the floor, an apple core and a few plastic dishes. The bathroom has tooth paste all over the counter, floor, and towels. The towels are thrown on the floor. The contents of the cupboard are pulled out on the floor (by the toddler). Beds aren't made. The laundry basket is overflowing. You can't even walk into the kids rooms because of all the stuff all over the floor. The T.V. is blasting. The husband walks out in to the back yard. His kids run to greet them. They only have on their diapers and they are overflowing with urine and feces. He looks over at his wife, who is lying on the lounger, with a puzzled look. She says, "You know how everyday after work you come home and ask me what I did all day?" ....."Well today, I didn't do it!!!" 

I have done it all: worked fulltime while my husband worked;  worked halftime while my husband worked; stayed at home while my husband worked fulltime; and worked fulltime while my husband stayed at home. The hardest  was staying home while my husband worked and the easiest was working fulltime while my husband stayed at home. Don't even try to pull the sob story with me that you go to work all day and it is tough. I know from experience that is the easiest. You should be coming home and kissing your wifes feet. I say every woman deserves to go to work and come home to a "wife" (even if there are cheerios are on the floor). Since my husband has stayed home while I worked he is the most amazing partner! He truly gets it! And he was good to begin with!! Now we both work outside and inside the home. We are a team! When I have the ball I run with it. When I can't run any more I throw it to him. He is there to catch it and take it across the finish line if need be. Now ask do we have a great sex life!! You better believe it!!!!!! There is nothing sexier than a man who appreciates his wife and is there to pick up that ball. I am the envy of my girlfriends. They all adore my husband. The guys will often give him a hard time. His response, "So how was sex with your wife last night?" They shut up after that. Either you get it or you don't!!! 

 
March 27, 2006, 9:52 am CST

SAH Laziness

Quote From: hattonfan

I myself am a SAH & have been for almost 8 years. I have 3 children, all under 10. So, I'm not about to speak on something I know nothing about.     As I watched today's show (& folding laundry), I found myself feeling disgusted by Diana's behavior & demeanor. Pregnancy & children are simply excuses for not doing what she is suppose to. I have been pregnant 3 times as well & I never used that as an excuse to not meet my responsibilities in my household. Yeah, you get tired, but you rest & get going again. You don't leave 50 Cheerios on the floor all day! That's just plain nasty & unsanitary. Diana should keep that house clean & orderly & laundry should be hung correctly , as her husband wishes. The house should be spotless, especially w/ babysitters & Mom helping out! There's just no excuse for her not to uphold her responsibilities in that house. It is her choice to be a SAH & to have kids. SAH is a job in & of itself, which includes, but not limited to housecleaning, child rearing, cooking, etc.. If Diana doesn't like her lifestyle,then she needs to actively change it instead of complaing about it.     I keep my house clean & orderly. I clean everyday. I cook everyday. I do what my responsibilities as a SAH are everyday. My husband may help out sometimes, but I do not expect it of him, nor require him to do anything. His job is outside the home & mine is inside the home. Any husband who has a SAH should not have to come home to a messy/dirty house ever. That shows disrespect & no appreciation towards the husband by the wife. So, I think Diana needs to get off her behind & do whatever it takes to make sure her home is orderly & clean. There's just simply no excuse for her not to.
Well I don't know just were to start with this one!!!  Your husband must have a Miss Betty Crocker or your trying to get brownie points.....First off if you have 3 kids your house can't be spottless enless you don't let your children be children!  What is this about 50 Cheerios on the floor? If he has time to count them than I say the "Fat Butt" can pick them up.....You said that a SAH has the job of cleaning, cooking, rearing children, hanging laundry the way her husband wants her to!!! Oh and don't leave out the sex part he doesn't seem to have a problem in that department. As for the laundry Excuse me but if he doesn't like the way she hungs his laundry than he can di it himself. Your husband must have you trained pretty darn well but, honey that's just not the way it is in the "REAL" world. A marriage is a 50-50 deal no other way. I don't believe this woman has a nasty dirty house either just lived in.
 
March 27, 2006, 9:56 am CST

I Totally Agree

Quote From: jmew414

You are right on target , IMO. 

My husband is a police officer and we have a 9 month old . He works 10-12 hrs sometime 7 days straight but he still finds time to help with the baby and spend time with his family . He was a military kid himself so he knows the importance of quality time and to take what you can get. 

Ken needs to get real and stop worrying about the superficial and spend time working on the family situation , not his job.  

DIana dear you deserve much better . 

It's nice to see that someone on this site has it right.....Most of the women on here are "Brian Dead" they make me sick!!!! Either that or they want browie point.
 
March 27, 2006, 10:01 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: neen22

Dear Dr. Phil, 

     I feel you took the wife's side of the story today.  I agree she is pregnant and can't do as much as she normally probably could.  But the reality is she was half of the pair who got herself pregnant.  If you can't bend over and pick up Cheerios, then you make the child who threw them on the floor pick them up.  When your daughter rides her bike, you make her put the bike away before she gets other toys out.  One other problem I had is, if you are a stay at home mom and your husband works hours that does not allow him to be at home as much, you certainly don't need to drive a Caddilac to go to the local grocery store.  I understand the husband here has issues of his own, but I felt you were to lenient on his wife. 

If she can afford an Escalade she can afford a vacuum. When you're pregnant you make adjustments just like everything else. That's no excuse.  I'm disabled and my house is cleaned I do what I can sit 4 awhile then do some more- you mean in 12-18 hours she can't do anything? Get Real! Further more why R Cheerios on the floor they don't have a Table? When she has rats and roaches running aroundw/her kids then see what nastylazy has to complain about.
 
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