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Topic : 03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

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Created on : Thursday, March 23, 2006, 07:13:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The letters keep coming in! Dr. Phil revisits the controversial topic of what defines the role of a wife. Ken thinks his wife, Diana, is lazy because she can't keep the house up to his standard of cleanliness. Ken works two jobs and keeps his spouse financially comfortable but doesn't understand why Diana, a stay-at-home mom, can't keep a cleaner house. Diana is pregnant with their third child in five years and says she's doing the best she can. Then, meet "Anne," who performs nude shows online to bring home the bacon. Her husband, "Rob," disapproves of his wife's method of income, but he hasn't stopped her from doing it. Now that Anne has had an affair with one of her customers, is it too late to save their marriage? Share your thoughts.

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March 27, 2006, 10:11 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: mistyc

you must be a SAHM.  I however am a working Mom and I agree some women work just to get out of the house and earn some "mad money".  However.... there is a large population of us that have no choice in the matter. Have you priced health insurance lately?  I have a new baby and I had to return to work and it breaks my heart but I'm not going to whine and cry and make my sweet husband feel any worse about it than he already does (he works full time) 

I work full time and my house is tidy, not spotless but tidy. 

I don't feel one bit sorry for Diana, she stays home and she has a baby sitter for crying out loud.  You should be able to eat off her floors. 

No, I am not a SAHM.  I work from my home and don't have kids yet. But I know a lot of SAHM. All I am trying to say is that Diana's situation is a little different. She's married to a perfectionist who clearly doesn't want to stay home at night or be with his kids.  He'd rather be with his pals at the firehouse. 

  

Do I think there are things she could do better? Of course! Do I think some of his claims are perhaps justified? Yes. She's part of the marriage and seems very willing to change. But it sounds like she's not exactly married to Mr. Helpful either. He's not there. 

  

I'm sorry you have to work. I know that in a lot of situations, there is no choice. And your husband, I have no doubt, is a great guy. I've read your posts before and I know you are a nice, intelligent lady. 

  

But Diana has clearly said she doesn't care about the Escalade or the purses. Would it kill him to cut back on his hours some so that his kids would actually know who he is? 

 
March 27, 2006, 10:18 am CST

I don't Believe You

You no if I had a husband like Ken I would tell him to "kiss where the sun don't shine"! Who does he think he is anyway? #1 I wouldn't put up with the way he talks to her the F words comming out of his month like every other word. You have to respect your partner and he doesn't. He never has a problem when it's time to crawl in the sack......I saw the picture of  there home it was bad and because he can help pick up I think he is a spoiled brat that wants to stay away from the house so he won't have to help out. He is the one making up all the excuses so what he works long hours who care's? He doesn't have to. Sounds to me like he needs to spend more time at home with his wife and kids and less time working. Money isn't everything you know......As for the women on here that claim they are the "Perfect" wife thats bs you just don't have the back bone to stand up to your man or maybe you just don't want to have to be out in the real world and work so you put up with it!! Only you no........................... 

 
March 27, 2006, 10:29 am CST

stay at home

I am a stay at home mom. When you stay at home and the kids are little - it can be chaotic at times but keeping the house tidy IS possible - it may not be immaculate - but the two areas I like to keep clean are bathrooms and kitchen. I do watch TV while folding laundry or ironing. I never had someone come in to clean and rarely had babysitters. My husband works long hours as a large animal veterinarian, often not home til kids are in bed. I have served as camp cook in cub camps, I write articles in my spare time and volunteer at the school, and help my husband when needed. 

..and you know what else? I have Type 1 diabetes, my son was diagnosed on his 9th birthday with Type 1 diabetes, my daughter was born with low muscle tone and later it became apparent there were global developmental delays. I learned how to do physio, speech therapy and occupational therapy, I lost track of how many visits to specialists and blood samples, MRI, CT scans, genetic testing - they all kept me busy - I guess I got to interact with adults that way  : ).  She did not walk until she was 4yrs old - so at one point I was carting around a toddler who could not walk and a baby. Found out in Grade 2 that my daughter had Aspergers ( form of autism)... I had to learn all about that and how to help her, work with the school to develop strategies.. if that wasnt enough both kids were found to have celiac disease and I had to learn how to cook gluten free and research where to find gluten free foods. We  live in a small town so this means extra travel to the nearest city that would carry gluten free foods. Six weeks prior to my son being diagnosed with diabetes, my daughter was very ill and diagnosed with Kawaski disease. We added cardiology to the list of specialists. 

I tell you this not to garner sympathy - I have great kids and they are coping very well. I tell you this because if I can keep my house somewhat tidy in the midst of medical issues, trips to hospitals, etc... then the average stay at home mom can do it even while pregnant. It's a job and and if you organize your day. prioritize what you need to do and have a good husband who would understand if there were cheerios on the floor because you were busy with appts or physio - but you know what? - its great occupational therapy for the child to grab those little cheerios off the floor one by one and put them in the garbage. Improves fine motor control ... gotta keep your humour 

  

 
March 27, 2006, 10:32 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: mommiegwen

In my opinion there is no excuxe 4 this. If she is home all day pregnant or not she can clean up. She even has a babysitter while she  stays home!, give me a break the woman is lazy. I had 6 kids and a couple of them R stairsteps So I was pregnant w/a baby @home. I was able to keep my house clean.  However my husband is a big help. He'll clean, cook, sew,do laundry. So if the sucker doesn't like it tel lhim to get off his lazy ass and help, housecleaning isn't only woman's work ,if U want a clean house.  My son told my daughter once doing dishes was woman's work- he did them for a week and we have a dishwasher-but he busted those suds 4 a week and cleaned other things. Now he mops floors and cleans the bathroom and next he's gonna learn to sew and he's learning to cook. B----ing about it ain't gonna clean it.  Learn to delegate jobs. I worked, came home cleaned the house, cooked dinner, helped the kids w/homework did what I had to do. Yeah I was tired, but there's things that just have to be done and they won't do themselves.  If I needed help I "Asked" 4 it. Plus my kids had chores even as little kids. Everybody lives here and everybody helps. However when I was @ home I did most of the housework.  If something wasn't done and I didn't feel like doing it and my husband had something to say I'd tell him so do it or shut up. He'd do it or shut up. He yells loud, but I yell  worse. He doesn't want to get me started(smart guy I finally got him trained after 32 years(smile). Don't come @me w/that yakkety yak. I say handle it-handle it. By the way when pregnant w/my girls (3)I had  AM sickness the whole pregnancy and still cleaned my house and ran a daycare since I was home.  So she needs to quit beiing Nasty and Lazy and do what she has to do. She,  being pregnant, shouldn't want to be in a Nasty house, where's her pride?

There is a BIG difference between you and Diana.  Diana has two children under 5 and a third on the way.  I believe her second child is only 10 months.  I am so glad you have your husband trained, unfortunately Diana's husband is working over a hundred hours a week and therefore isn't around to be trained.   

  

Your very lucky to have a husband that cleans, cooks, sews and does laundry.  What Ken does around the house.  Nothing!  The reason for that is because he is always working.  He comes home and does what...call his wife half-a--ed.  Where is the support there.  You also mention in your post that "Everybody lives here and everybody helps".  Guess you missed the part of the show concerning the age of Diana's children.   Unless someone has come up with a method to get a child that is 1 to pick up their toys and not make a mess I believe a lot of people would be grateful to learn that trick. 

  

Diana has two children under the age of 5.  Cleaning service or not, she is basically all on her own raising these children and trying to maintain a household.  Maybe there are a few things she could do more efficiently, but why would she be encouraged to make the effort when her husband is critical and calls her names.  A little emotional support, love and affection can be inspiring and go along ways.   

  

There was no mention on how often the cleaning service is used or how often Diana uses a babysitter.  What Diana needs is a supportive husband who spends some of his time at home.  With the hours that Ken works, he isn't home enough to be a husband and father.  He is an absentee parent and husband.  

  

This marriage is far from a partnership no matter how you look at it.  Both Ken and Diana need some serious help or this marriage is doomed. 

  

  

 
March 27, 2006, 10:53 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Being a stay at home mom is a priveledge and as such I do everything in my control to make my home comfortable for everyone, and yes, that does include my husband as well.  At some point our society decided that only the kids were important as a SAHM.  The house and the husband were just side projects to only deal with occasionally.  What kind of an example does it set for children to live in an unorganized and unclean home?  Ken is not right in using the words that he uses, but his feelings are justified.  He has set up an extraordinary home for his family and it is ruins when he comes home.  He has done everything he can to help Diana, but at some point she has to help herself instead of just take, take, take.  I have two children.  16 months and 2 and a half.  They both have chores and responsabilities.  My older makes his bed after he wakes up and cleans his room, (with my help of course).  He also sets the table and clears his plate after dinner.  He loves to do this.  My 16 month old knows how to pick up her toys as well.  Are my children some sort of mind boggling geniuses that we just happened to get lucky with, well, I am there mother so I can say yes, but honestly, they are typical toddlers.   As for a year old getting into everything than that simply goes to watching the child!  If you are not involved and alllow your child to run around and pull everything from everywhere than it is your fault that the house is a mess not your childs and how dare anyone BLAME a 1 year old for a house being a mess.  ARE THERE NO ADULTS TO SUPERVISE?  Between a mother, grandmother, babysitter, housecleaner and friends helping out someone ought to be able to see what is going on. 

  

 
March 27, 2006, 11:04 am CST

Do It All

I am a public school teacher, so I've had the opportunity to be both a stay-at-home mom (each summer) and a full-time working mom. I can say without a doubt that I'd MUCH rather go to work each day than stay at home with toddlers. Why? Because my monthly paycheck made me feel that I was accomplishing something! It always amazed me how long it took to pick up the house and how fast two kids could trash it! I finally got smart and started raising young adults instead of little kids. Make a game of it if you have to, but teach your children and your spouse to each pick of their individual messes, and you'll find that cleaning your house is no longer "work".
 
March 27, 2006, 11:06 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

 I felt so bad for the first girl.  I can't imagine being pregnant 3 times in 5 years.  Having all those little tiny kids all at once would make me CRAZY.  I don't know if I'd ever get anything done.  As soon as you'd start one thing you're going to have a baby crying for a diaper, or food, or attention.   Then when you take care of that you're going to have a two year old tugging on you to play, or wants a glass of water, or a diaper.  Next thing you know one of them has just thrown up on the couch.  Then the laundry timer goes off....and then ::sniff sniff:: is something burning!?

Whooo boy I think my brain would EXPLODE or I'd spontaneously combust or something.

I think it's great her husband offers to get her a babysitter , but I bet if she used it too much he'd get all angry about having to spend the money on that.  I think he's just too picky.   I mean if you come home and your house is still standing and your children are well cared for and happy, then who CARES if there's 50 cheerios on the floor?  I mean there house isn't filthy.  His wife actually does laundry and cleans, and cooks.  I think he needs to remember she also has other concerns above and beyond cleaning.
 
March 27, 2006, 11:10 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

 I honestly don't know what to say about the second couple.  I think the wife defiantely needs to get her gambling problem taken care of, so that she doesn't feel like she needs to continue her current profession in order to make quick money.

Now, let me say I have no problem with her chosen profession.  I do think in this case it is a problem because it isn't something that she really WANTS to be doing.  It's simply a fast and easy way to make money.  No one should be involved in the sex /sex entertainment industry unless they really want to be.  If a person is having intense feelings of guilt it's not right for them.
 
March 27, 2006, 11:15 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: mommiegwen

If she can afford an Escalade she can afford a vacuum. When you're pregnant you make adjustments just like everything else. That's no excuse.  I'm disabled and my house is cleaned I do what I can sit 4 awhile then do some more- you mean in 12-18 hours she can't do anything? Get Real! Further more why R Cheerios on the floor they don't have a Table? When she has rats and roaches running aroundw/her kids then see what nastylazy has to complain about.
 You know I'm sure the couple has a table and a vaccum cleaner. It's not about her sitting around all day doing nothing(which she obviously is NOT doing), it's about her husband expecting WAY more than he ought to out of her.   As you heard Dr. Phil say the house is NOT nasty, dirty, or disgusting. So you are WAY out of line here.
 
March 27, 2006, 11:17 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: amyjo304

Being a stay at home mom is a priveledge and as such I do everything in my control to make my home comfortable for everyone, and yes, that does include my husband as well.  At some point our society decided that only the kids were important as a SAHM.  The house and the husband were just side projects to only deal with occasionally.  What kind of an example does it set for children to live in an unorganized and unclean home?  Ken is not right in using the words that he uses, but his feelings are justified.  He has set up an extraordinary home for his family and it is ruins when he comes home.  He has done everything he can to help Diana, but at some point she has to help herself instead of just take, take, take.  I have two children.  16 months and 2 and a half.  They both have chores and responsabilities.  My older makes his bed after he wakes up and cleans his room, (with my help of course).  He also sets the table and clears his plate after dinner.  He loves to do this.  My 16 month old knows how to pick up her toys as well.  Are my children some sort of mind boggling geniuses that we just happened to get lucky with, well, I am there mother so I can say yes, but honestly, they are typical toddlers.   As for a year old getting into everything than that simply goes to watching the child!  If you are not involved and alllow your child to run around and pull everything from everywhere than it is your fault that the house is a mess not your childs and how dare anyone BLAME a 1 year old for a house being a mess.  ARE THERE NO ADULTS TO SUPERVISE?  Between a mother, grandmother, babysitter, housecleaner and friends helping out someone ought to be able to see what is going on. 

  

 Well when you're trying to fold laundry, cook dinner, it's pretty hard to follow aone year old kid around and pick everything up after them. 
 
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