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Topic : 03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

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Created on : Thursday, March 23, 2006, 07:13:20 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1
The letters keep coming in! Dr. Phil revisits the controversial topic of what defines the role of a wife. Ken thinks his wife, Diana, is lazy because she can't keep the house up to his standard of cleanliness. Ken works two jobs and keeps his spouse financially comfortable but doesn't understand why Diana, a stay-at-home mom, can't keep a cleaner house. Diana is pregnant with their third child in five years and says she's doing the best she can. Then, meet "Anne," who performs nude shows online to bring home the bacon. Her husband, "Rob," disapproves of his wife's method of income, but he hasn't stopped her from doing it. Now that Anne has had an affair with one of her customers, is it too late to save their marriage? Share your thoughts.

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March 27, 2006, 11:19 am CST

depression

Quote From: tkimball

I'm sorry, I know this is not the politically correct thing to say, but I have to admit that I get so tired of hearing about stay-at-home (SAH) moms who are so darned exhausted at having every day off to clean the house and take care of their families.  Sorry, but Diana's got a babysitter??  And she can't pick up the Cheerios?   

  

I'm not saying that Ken is handling his feelings right, or that's he justified in EVERYTHING he's saying, and I've never realized my own feelings about this subject until the last few similar shows like this on Dr. Phil, but come on.  I'm sorry, but I work full-time, travel an hour to and an hour back home every day, have a teenager and a toddler, volunteer as an EMT (& am the training officer) with my local rescue unit, and serve on a public committee for the town I live in.  AND I'm pregnant with child #3!  And I still manage to raise my kids - including coaching my son's baseball team (at 6-months pregnant), manage my house, and cook and clean.   No, the house isn't spotless EVERY day, but if I had EVERY day off, it darn-well would be. 

  

I know there's a big debate on how much work a SAH mom does, and I'm definitely (absolutely) not saying that all SAH moms aren't doing a good job or aren't doing enough, I guess I'm just lost at how overwhelmed some SAH moms seem to be (like Diana) when they don't really seem to be making the most of their time and managing their houses/families.   I think Ken isn't getting a very fair rap with this whole thing.  He hired a cleaning company?  I'll take it!   Sorry, I'm just not having a very easy time painting Ken as the bad guy here and Diana as the victim. 

Hey, One thing that is very important that is missing here... This women sounds depressed.  One, her hormones have been totally out of wack for years, she is trying to keep up with two kids, a house, and an over exacting husband.  I know because I had one of those.  Mine had been married before and told me that when his x cleaned the house it litterally sparkled.  You know, dusting w/ pledge is dusting w/ pledge.  But if it is in your mind that someone else (like his mother) did it better, and that it was cleaner, better, nicer something then NO MATTER what she does it will still be all about here and nothing about him.  And after a while, why would you care about anything anymore.  Something wouldn't be perfect.  And not all people have the same standards.  I'd tell his redneck shaved genghis kahn self that the child support and alimony would take care of her just fine and that he wouldn't have to worry about them cherios on the floor any more!  Some Moms at home are more tuned into the kids than having a really clean house.  I hope that when I die it will say on my gravestone,  _  She was a loving wife and a great mother.  Coz if it says, she kept a really clean house.  Well, I did it all wrong.    So next time you set yourself up on that pedestal, look down, could be quite a drop!
 
March 27, 2006, 11:48 am CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

I have two kids under 2 and it is hard to keep up with them and take care of the house.  I think that if she really is doing the best that she can, and that's what gets done, then if the husband doesn't like it, he needs to pitch in and help.  After 5, everyone in the house is fair game for household chores.  Besides, she pregnant, which means she's probably exhausted to start with, then having two small children to deal with on top of that, and raging hormones on top of all of that.  Maybe she could do a little better on the cheerios, but the husband needs to pitch in and help.
 
March 27, 2006, 11:58 am CST

Your right

Quote From: atlswan

No, I am not a SAHM.  I work from my home and don't have kids yet. But I know a lot of SAHM. All I am trying to say is that Diana's situation is a little different. She's married to a perfectionist who clearly doesn't want to stay home at night or be with his kids.  He'd rather be with his pals at the firehouse. 

  

Do I think there are things she could do better? Of course! Do I think some of his claims are perhaps justified? Yes. She's part of the marriage and seems very willing to change. But it sounds like she's not exactly married to Mr. Helpful either. He's not there. 

  

I'm sorry you have to work. I know that in a lot of situations, there is no choice. And your husband, I have no doubt, is a great guy. I've read your posts before and I know you are a nice, intelligent lady. 

  

But Diana has clearly said she doesn't care about the Escalade or the purses. Would it kill him to cut back on his hours some so that his kids would actually know who he is? 

Your right Diana's husband does act like a real jerk and I admire Diana for putting up with his crap.  For that she is a better woman than I. 

I'm sorry for coming across as a grump. To me being able to stay home just sems like heaven compared to having to do both.  

 
March 27, 2006, 12:02 pm CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: liatsunami

 Well when you're trying to fold laundry, cook dinner, it's pretty hard to follow aone year old kid around and pick everything up after them. 
That's funny.  Somehow I am able to manage my day to do it all and I have two children.
 
March 27, 2006, 12:08 pm CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: mimi0207

Hey, One thing that is very important that is missing here... This women sounds depressed.  One, her hormones have been totally out of wack for years, she is trying to keep up with two kids, a house, and an over exacting husband.  I know because I had one of those.  Mine had been married before and told me that when his x cleaned the house it litterally sparkled.  You know, dusting w/ pledge is dusting w/ pledge.  But if it is in your mind that someone else (like his mother) did it better, and that it was cleaner, better, nicer something then NO MATTER what she does it will still be all about here and nothing about him.  And after a while, why would you care about anything anymore.  Something wouldn't be perfect.  And not all people have the same standards.  I'd tell his redneck shaved genghis kahn self that the child support and alimony would take care of her just fine and that he wouldn't have to worry about them cherios on the floor any more!  Some Moms at home are more tuned into the kids than having a really clean house.  I hope that when I die it will say on my gravestone,  _  She was a loving wife and a great mother.  Coz if it says, she kept a really clean house.  Well, I did it all wrong.    So next time you set yourself up on that pedestal, look down, could be quite a drop!
It is amazing that there are women out there who can do it all.  They can have a clean and organized home AND have fun with the kids.  It is a cop out to say that you can only be one or the other.
 
March 27, 2006, 12:09 pm CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: liatsunami

 Well when you're trying to fold laundry, cook dinner, it's pretty hard to follow aone year old kid around and pick everything up after them. 
so lets leave the one year old to his/her own device.  Very safe.
 
March 27, 2006, 12:14 pm CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: liatsunami

 I felt so bad for the first girl.  I can't imagine being pregnant 3 times in 5 years.  Having all those little tiny kids all at once would make me CRAZY.  I don't know if I'd ever get anything done.  As soon as you'd start one thing you're going to have a baby crying for a diaper, or food, or attention.   Then when you take care of that you're going to have a two year old tugging on you to play, or wants a glass of water, or a diaper.  Next thing you know one of them has just thrown up on the couch.  Then the laundry timer goes off....and then ::sniff sniff:: is something burning!?

Whooo boy I think my brain would EXPLODE or I'd spontaneously combust or something.

I think it's great her husband offers to get her a babysitter , but I bet if she used it too much he'd get all angry about having to spend the money on that.  I think he's just too picky.   I mean if you come home and your house is still standing and your children are well cared for and happy, then who CARES if there's 50 cheerios on the floor?  I mean there house isn't filthy.  His wife actually does laundry and cleans, and cooks.  I think he needs to remember she also has other concerns above and beyond cleaning.

"I think it's great her husband offers to get her a babysitter , but I bet if she used it too much he'd get all angry about having to spend the money on that.  I think he's just too picky. " 

  

You echoed my thoughts exactly.  

  

I've been reading the posts here and I agree that this isn't all on Ken. Diana does share in the responsibility for the situatuion. And yes, I know that she's fortunate that she does not have to work outside of the home. Not everybody can do that. 

  

However, I cannot imagine how I'd feel if I had given birth to two kids, had one on the way, and knew that no matter what I did, it just wasn't good enough. And that during the few hours he WAS home from his job, he was inspecting my work with the eye of a perfectionist. I'd feel pretty darned defeated. 

  

They BOTH need help. 

 
March 27, 2006, 12:16 pm CST

Watching the same show as me???

Quote From: amyjo304

Being a stay at home mom is a priveledge and as such I do everything in my control to make my home comfortable for everyone, and yes, that does include my husband as well.  At some point our society decided that only the kids were important as a SAHM.  The house and the husband were just side projects to only deal with occasionally.  What kind of an example does it set for children to live in an unorganized and unclean home?  Ken is not right in using the words that he uses, but his feelings are justified.  He has set up an extraordinary home for his family and it is ruins when he comes home.  He has done everything he can to help Diana, but at some point she has to help herself instead of just take, take, take.  I have two children.  16 months and 2 and a half.  They both have chores and responsabilities.  My older makes his bed after he wakes up and cleans his room, (with my help of course).  He also sets the table and clears his plate after dinner.  He loves to do this.  My 16 month old knows how to pick up her toys as well.  Are my children some sort of mind boggling geniuses that we just happened to get lucky with, well, I am there mother so I can say yes, but honestly, they are typical toddlers.   As for a year old getting into everything than that simply goes to watching the child!  If you are not involved and alllow your child to run around and pull everything from everywhere than it is your fault that the house is a mess not your childs and how dare anyone BLAME a 1 year old for a house being a mess.  ARE THERE NO ADULTS TO SUPERVISE?  Between a mother, grandmother, babysitter, housecleaner and friends helping out someone ought to be able to see what is going on. 

  

You are correct, the home is important- the children do deserve to live in a comfortable and organized home.. however, by looking at the pictures of their home and the video, it looks to me like its clean! But to her husband, Ken, nothing is ever going to be good enough! So she isn't being lazy, she isn't neglecting her children, she is doing what she can do yet its never going to please him. At this point, why should she bother? He will complain anyway.
 
March 27, 2006, 12:18 pm CST

03/27 More Wifestyles, Part 3

Quote From: amyjo304

Being a stay at home mom is a priveledge and as such I do everything in my control to make my home comfortable for everyone, and yes, that does include my husband as well.  At some point our society decided that only the kids were important as a SAHM.  The house and the husband were just side projects to only deal with occasionally.  What kind of an example does it set for children to live in an unorganized and unclean home?  Ken is not right in using the words that he uses, but his feelings are justified.  He has set up an extraordinary home for his family and it is ruins when he comes home.  He has done everything he can to help Diana, but at some point she has to help herself instead of just take, take, take.  I have two children.  16 months and 2 and a half.  They both have chores and responsabilities.  My older makes his bed after he wakes up and cleans his room, (with my help of course).  He also sets the table and clears his plate after dinner.  He loves to do this.  My 16 month old knows how to pick up her toys as well.  Are my children some sort of mind boggling geniuses that we just happened to get lucky with, well, I am there mother so I can say yes, but honestly, they are typical toddlers.   As for a year old getting into everything than that simply goes to watching the child!  If you are not involved and alllow your child to run around and pull everything from everywhere than it is your fault that the house is a mess not your childs and how dare anyone BLAME a 1 year old for a house being a mess.  ARE THERE NO ADULTS TO SUPERVISE?  Between a mother, grandmother, babysitter, housecleaner and friends helping out someone ought to be able to see what is going on. 

  

You've hit the nail on the head, my friend! I posted previous to yours, came back & read more, & find your post to be presicely what I feel,  just more eloquently said than mine. Props to you!
 
March 27, 2006, 12:18 pm CST

Stay at home mom who works very hard!

Occasionally my husband will stay home while I get out and run errands or find time for myself.  Most men do NOT realize how hard it is until they try keeping house while taking care of children.   Dr. Phil, tell your today show guest (male) to try it!!!
 
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