Topic : Co-Parenting

Not all new wives try to do this.  I am assuming that your ex has remarried, so I want to ask a simple question, not to be considered as confrontational at all.  I would like to know why you think that the new spouses are trying to take over?  And with your explanation of taking over, how would you want the new wife to treat your child when they are visiting with their dad?  I am seriously asking this question because I am baffled with the situation that I am living in.  I have not tried taking over, but I have made them a part of my house because they are my husband's children and my son's sisters.  I love them dearly and want the best for them just like anyone else in their lives.  So I am now trying to figure out why now his ex hates me AGAIN and I just don't understand.  I have been trying to and this is why I am on this message board so that maybe I can gain some insight to this situation and know how to handle it differently.  Please help... 

Kris 

I am going through the same thing right now and I don't know what to do either.  My husband and I have been together for seven years and married for five of those years.  His ex hated me in the beginning, then liked me for a while and now she is back to hating me.  My husband has 2 girls with her ages 9 and 6 and then she has a 15 year old that he has helped raise since she was 2.  My husband and I have 2 boys together ages 6 and 4 and I have a 10 year old boy from a previous relationship(his dad is not around at all).   

We moved closer to spend more time with his girls and ever since then it has just caused more and more stress in our lives.  I think that she was expecting them to hate being at our house half the time and when she found out that they were ok with spending that much time with us, then she blew a gasket and starting telling them how much she hated me and so on.   

I wish their was a quick fix or a solution to problems like this, but I know there is not.   

As far as going to court for custody, it just depends on how nasty you want things to get, how much you can afford in attorney's fees and court costs, and how much you want to put your whole family through.  It's a lot to think about and a lot of uncertainty. 

I wish you the best of luck and hope that you respond back to let me know how it is going because I can use all the help that I can get too. 

Kris 

You and your current husband are not entitled to dictate what presents your ex gives your daughter.  You can ask that the teddy bears be kept at his house because you are not prepared to keep picking them up in the supermarket.  However expecting your ex to abide by an agreement made without involving him is arrogant.   

Wow!  Interesting situation, to say the least.  I think, and this is just my opinion, whatever works for you and he and your daughter is what you should allow happen.  In other words, so he lives with you.  It's not like you're together as a couple, right?  I think, so long as you don't build false pretenses, your daughter won't imagine she'd have things like this forever, her mom and dad living together, but not as a couple.  Let her know that you are helping her dad.  That it's not forever.  That he needs the help.  And that he'd do it for you.  That you care about one another as people.  But you have your own lives.  Explain that you are doing it for her best interest, helping her dad.  But ensure she further understands that it doesn't mean you're going to be involved in a relationship with him.  How old is your daughter by the way?  Because that plays a part in this.  The older she is, the better she'll be able to understand relationships, and how yours function.  In the end, I don't see it doing any harm so long as you are all honest with one another.  Your daughter may view it as you all living harmoneous, and that's a great thing!  Good luck! 

I'm not sure if you picked up on this, but I think this person is being a bit too bitter about things.  And I mean no harm to whomever this person is.  But what's so wrong with having more people love that child?  It seems to me the child will benefit more so long as she has loving people in her life. 

On the other hand, I think I see what that person is saying.  And that's to consider the other parent, and how they'd feel about those decisions being made about that child.  Co-parenting takes more than mom and dad agreeing on matters.  There has to be communication, understanding, and an open mind.  Nothing is perfect, no matter how hard you try.  But you can certainly help to make it as close as possible. 

Good luck! 

Indeed!  I agree with you in that they failed to communicate.  Yet all is not lost.  They simply can help out matters by mending what was done and moving on.  To bicker over something so minute is in fact very trivial.  That energy can be focused on other more significant matters, i.e., that child. 

Nothing gets resolved by continuing to fight. 

Hi!, I read this a couple days ago, and it really stuck with me, because I felt so sorry for you.  I know how you feel.  It depends on the relationship you have with your X.  The parenting classes that divorced couples are mandated to take, will tell you not to talk bad about your X to your kids.  It will make you realize that it only hurts the kids, not the spouse. 

If, you do not have a civil relationship with your X,  I would in passing, if he doesn't listen to you, say to him, "you are only hurting the kids by saying bad things about me."  Because in the long run it will be brought out in the open when your kids are older, and they figure things out, that it was untrue, and they will be angry with him.  Just ask him, "Is that what you want to happen, because it will".   

Also, if it were me, I would take my child aside, and be honest and tell them that Daddy is very angry at me for separating, and will say some things about me that he really doesn't mean.  So, if it bothers you, you can tell him to not say those things please. 

As for you, all I can say is hang in there, be a good mom and role model, and remember, what goes around comes around.  Remind your child how much you love them as often as possible.