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August 15, 2006, 4:09 pm PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: mrsraz

I have two 12 year old boys and their would be no way I would want them around that type of environment. Has his attitude changed at all? Do you feel he is being affected by the choices his father is making? If so I would suggest taking some action. Young boys are very influential at that age.

He is jsut upset that I wont let him go to his dads house. I have explained that his dad is more then welcome to come to see him , but because his dad has been making some bad choices I can not allow him to stay over at his house. His father likes to make him think I am just bitter and jealous so that is why I dont want him to go over there. thanks for the reply!

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tina007

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August 15, 2006, 4:14 pm PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: ivoryrose1

I have a son who is 10 years old and I also seperated from his Dad in 2002. Luckily I haven't had to worry too much, because he never comes to pick him up and take him for his visitation. I worry the kind of life he lives would confuse my son also, if my son had to witness what he does in his relationships with his female friends. Your ex-husband is not offering a suitable environment for your son. Children at your son's age are very influenced by their fathers and their behavior. If you want your son to have healthy ideas about relationships it might be best to seek a professional counselor to help you with this situation. I personally feel that I would want to get legal advise and see if it's best to have supervised visitation and not allow your son to stay over night until the father can show more responsible behavior. The actions of your ex husband can actually harm your son if he is witnessing how your ex is living. I would seek a professional counselor to get some help with this. It is always best to get legal advise also, so your son is protected. It is your job as a parent to protect your children, so do all that you can in order to do that. Good Luck to you and your son.

Thank you for your reply. His dad only has interest in him when it benefits him. He likes to play off the "poor single dad" angle. Even when confronted by it his father doesnt see anything wrong with it. He says it is his life and he should be able to live it the way he wants. I try to explain to him that its not a environment I am comfotable with for my son. I will just have to do my best and do what I think is right in the interest of my son. I want my boy to be happy, but he doesnt need that kind of influence from someone he worships.

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mrsraz

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August 16, 2006, 5:15 pm PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: nhdreamer

I have been dating the same man for almost 2 years. I have three children. He has one biological child, and two step children that have been in his life for 10 years now. We also have one on the way, due any day now.

I am in the middle of moving into his home with my youngest child who is eight. My other two have chosen to live with their father.

We have all the children every other weekend.

My main problem is that I am starting to feel that he is singling out my youngest son, and no matter what he does he is being spoken to about his behavior.

His bio daughter is very emotionally immature, and very much a "tattle tale". She is hardly ever spoken to or punished for her actions. Even though she may be the one antagonizing my youngest.

There is only one year between the two kids, she is seven, my son is eight.

She is very much a daddys girl, and is very spoiled by his parents. She tells people she is a spoiled brat! Emootionally, people think she is about four years old. Baby talk is common for her, she cries over the littlest things, and she still has a "blankie" that she not only sleeps with, but carries here and there. She also sucks on the corners of it. I have tried to keep the blankie in her room, ONLY for bed! Yet her father says it comforts her. SO he does not have an issue with her carrying it around.

I need help.... how do I aproach her father about the blankie thing, and how can I make him see that he is singling out my youngest? Should they both be punished? One for acting out, and one for yelling? I feel like his daughter is never wrong in his eyes. I realize that it is easier to get upset with someone elses child. But I am starting to get upset with the way he is treating my son. It upsets me! And I feel that he is being singled out.

The minute she screams "DADDY" he jumps and assumes that my son has done something. Yet if she hits or does something her excuse is to say " it was an accident" and she only gets spoken to. I would call it a "reminder".

How can we discipline so that it is fair? And how do I help these two get along?

WOW!!! I thought that I was the only one having this situation occurring in their life. I have been with my husband for 8 years. I have 2 kids biologically from my first husband and he has 1 son from his first wife and we have an 8 year old son together. Both of our oldest sons are 12, his son is 4 months and 1 day older than mine. Up until about 2 years ago his son lived with the x-wife full time and when he would come and visit he had a different set of rules. I did not agree with this because I thought that they should have the same rules and his son needed to understand that but made it OK in my head because he was only with us every other weekend and on Wednesdays. On February 6, 2005 he came to live with us full time. It was really ruff in the beginning because this poor kid was use to getting his own way. It was many a fight with my husband before he would start enforcing the same rules to all the kids. Before he moved in with us my oldest son and my husband had a good relationship (my x husband is out of the picture so my husband is the only dad they have around). My husbands attitude towards my son would change when his son came to visit and I didn't think that was right but again it was only part time so we managed. Now that his son is with us full time the relationship my son has with my husband is, how would I explain, 'There". He isn't out right mean to him or abusive but he definitely doesn't have the same relationship that he has with his son. Part of me thinks this is because the boys are so close in age that he doesn't want his son to think he is less important in his life. We have had many a blow up over this subject. I am currently attending counseling to help me better the things I want bettered. My councilor says that as parents we need to understand that each child will have a different kind of relationship with a parent and we can not expect them to be the same. So what I do is when I feel like my husband is doing something that is favoring one child over the other is bring it to his attention calmly. Such as ...." You know I was just noticing that in a similar situation your reaction was different with Damon then it was with David and I was just curious as to why that was?" I would sit him down away from the kids and express your concerns to him and just continue to point it out when he does it. It's like retraining a dog you need to be consistent so they will get it. Good luck and God Bless!!!!!!!

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mandylee

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August 17, 2006, 6:07 am PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: mrsraz

WOW!!! I thought that I was the only one having this situation occurring in their life. I have been with my husband for 8 years. I have 2 kids biologically from my first husband and he has 1 son from his first wife and we have an 8 year old son together. Both of our oldest sons are 12, his son is 4 months and 1 day older than mine. Up until about 2 years ago his son lived with the x-wife full time and when he would come and visit he had a different set of rules. I did not agree with this because I thought that they should have the same rules and his son needed to understand that but made it OK in my head because he was only with us every other weekend and on Wednesdays. On February 6, 2005 he came to live with us full time. It was really ruff in the beginning because this poor kid was use to getting his own way. It was many a fight with my husband before he would start enforcing the same rules to all the kids. Before he moved in with us my oldest son and my husband had a good relationship (my x husband is out of the picture so my husband is the only dad they have around). My husbands attitude towards my son would change when his son came to visit and I didn't think that was right but again it was only part time so we managed. Now that his son is with us full time the relationship my son has with my husband is, how would I explain, 'There". He isn't out right mean to him or abusive but he definitely doesn't have the same relationship that he has with his son. Part of me thinks this is because the boys are so close in age that he doesn't want his son to think he is less important in his life. We have had many a blow up over this subject. I am currently attending counseling to help me better the things I want bettered. My councilor says that as parents we need to understand that each child will have a different kind of relationship with a parent and we can not expect them to be the same. So what I do is when I feel like my husband is doing something that is favoring one child over the other is bring it to his attention calmly. Such as ...." You know I was just noticing that in a similar situation your reaction was different with Damon then it was with David and I was just curious as to why that was?" I would sit him down away from the kids and express your concerns to him and just continue to point it out when he does it. It's like retraining a dog you need to be consistent so they will get it. Good luck and God Bless!!!!!!!

I am another one that has a family like this, I have two kids from a previous marriage that are 9 & 6 and my new husband has a daughter that is 5 who comes to visit every other weekend she runs her house at her mothers house and when she comes to my house she tries to run mine. She is vomiting at meal times cause she doesn't want to eat (which the Dr has said it is nothing more then a control issue), she crys to get her own way, and talks like a baby all the time. He lets her and she gets away with it she doesn't have to eat all her meals were my kids do and she doesn't have to go and play when it is play time she gets to sit in front of the TV, my kids if they are in front of the TV to long then he is fliking off the TV right in the middle of a show. I understand the frustration that you are going through there has been days were I have thought of ending my marriage as my kids done deserve that treatment and it really frustrates me when it happens. because of all this i find myself favoring my own kids cause they dont get it from him which isnt good. I wish you lots of luck and support

mandy

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mamaprofe

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August 27, 2006, 9:01 pm PDT

how to stop a manipulative and defying teenager

Hello everyone, I am the mother of two boys, Jeremy who is 14 years old and Louis sixteen. Nine years ago, their father and I broke up ( we had lived together for over nine years) he left to move back with his mother in New York city, Then he moved to Puerto Rico, the kids almost never saw him; needles to say this was very difficult for both kids but it was most difficult for Louis. Louis started having problems in school right after his father left. He has been fighting me on everything ever since. He doesn't follow my rules, defies me on everything. The father moved back here about two years ago with a new wife and two kids. Louis started telling me that he was going to move back with his dad. It got to a point that I ended up talking to his father and telling him to take Louis with him and he did. Louis lived with his dad for about 3 months until one morning his father called me asking me if I knew where Louis was. Well, Louis had left the house without his father's permision and gone to sleep over a friend's house. His father called me and told me to go and pick him up. I went thinking that i would bring him with me until things calmed down but he ended up staying with me. He had never said again that he wanted to live with his father. but the last few days things have gotten rough. He is not listening to me again, he wants to do whatever he wants; just few hours ago announced that he was going to go out tomorrow I reminded him that he doesn't have permision to go anywhere. He then called his father to ask him permision to go to a party. I got very upset and yelled at him telling him that if is going to leave with me he needs to follow my rules. He was ignoring me and this made me really mad so I yelled louder. He got up and started throwing things around calling me names. He packed all his things up and called his father. He told his father to pick him up tomorrow. I am furious at both of them, I wanted to call his father but he has not been taling to me lately because he is mad over child support money. yet, I want to see if he would dare to pick up Louis without talking to me first!!???Now, I need advice should I just let him go to leave with his father? I feel that he's better off leaving with me but I just cann't take the disrespect. I also want to put a stop to the manipulation that is going on.

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mrsraz

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August 30, 2006, 3:34 pm PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: mamaprofe

Hello everyone, I am the mother of two boys, Jeremy who is 14 years old and Louis sixteen. Nine years ago, their father and I broke up ( we had lived together for over nine years) he left to move back with his mother in New York city, Then he moved to Puerto Rico, the kids almost never saw him; needles to say this was very difficult for both kids but it was most difficult for Louis. Louis started having problems in school right after his father left. He has been fighting me on everything ever since. He doesn't follow my rules, defies me on everything. The father moved back here about two years ago with a new wife and two kids. Louis started telling me that he was going to move back with his dad. It got to a point that I ended up talking to his father and telling him to take Louis with him and he did. Louis lived with his dad for about 3 months until one morning his father called me asking me if I knew where Louis was. Well, Louis had left the house without his father's permision and gone to sleep over a friend's house. His father called me and told me to go and pick him up. I went thinking that i would bring him with me until things calmed down but he ended up staying with me. He had never said again that he wanted to live with his father. but the last few days things have gotten rough. He is not listening to me again, he wants to do whatever he wants; just few hours ago announced that he was going to go out tomorrow I reminded him that he doesn't have permision to go anywhere. He then called his father to ask him permision to go to a party. I got very upset and yelled at him telling him that if is going to leave with me he needs to follow my rules. He was ignoring me and this made me really mad so I yelled louder. He got up and started throwing things around calling me names. He packed all his things up and called his father. He told his father to pick him up tomorrow. I am furious at both of them, I wanted to call his father but he has not been taling to me lately because he is mad over child support money. yet, I want to see if he would dare to pick up Louis without talking to me first!!???Now, I need advice should I just let him go to leave with his father? I feel that he's better off leaving with me but I just cann't take the disrespect. I also want to put a stop to the manipulation that is going on.

I wish I could say that I knew what you were going through but I don't. What you are experiencing is a fear of mine because I too have a father of my children who is out of the picture and wonder if one day when they are older they will try that if they are not getting their way. I would hope that I would follow the advice that I am about to give but can not say until I am in that situation. I know for sure that what ever decision you make you have to stick to it. You and his father are allowing him to manipulate the situation. When he doesn't get what he wants from you he goes to him and the same with him to you. If you decide to let him go live with his father then that needs to be it. If you make him stay then the same. He needs to know you mean business. I can only imagine how hard this will be for you, I know my kids are my heart and it would be breaking in your situation. Have you thought of getting some professional help? I guess that is all the help I can be. I wish you all the luck and hope that god will help you find your right choice.

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naturesfury

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September 6, 2006, 8:46 pm PDT

Help needed with a dad who doesn't listen

Hi My name is Tinia and I live in Australia.

I have a beautiful 6yr old girl and am in a relationship with a very wonderful man. My Problem is with my daughters dad.

I was with him for 5 years we had 2 children together but sadly our son passed away on fathers day 8 years ago.

Anyway, the story goes like this, I found out I was pregnant with my daughter doctors advised to terminate the pregnancy but I said no I knew there would be problems for me in the sense I may very well die but to me the risk of bringing my daughter into the world was worth it. My daughter Bri was born 11 weeks premature, and fought from day 1 to stay right where she is. Everything was great I quit my job as an Editor to stay home and raise our daughter to the best of my ability.

6 months after Bri was born I had, had enough of him putting everything and everyone else first above his family. Giving our money away to his work partner who gambled it away and or mooched of us. I asked him to leave and proceeded to raise our daughter by myself.

Everything was great, people would comment how polite and well behaved my girl was and would always ask me what my trick was, which I said lots of love, lots of patience and enjoy what time you have together.

I moved interstate when my daughter was 2. I had advised her dad and he was not exactly happy, but understood why. 6 months later he followed. the 6 months of him not being in her life I hate to admit were a blessing in so many ways ..he is 44 now and still acts like a 21 yr old. Anyway he started visiting his daughter and I said to him you can call her visit her whenever you want within reason as I did not want to keep them apart. That worked for a while, but then I started finding out information either through my daughter or friends and or mutual aquantiances......and no I did not put the spotlight on my girl and ask her what went on.

I discovered that he was living in a 2 bedroom housing commission house with a flatmate who was female living in one room and he had the other room and that when my daughter stayed there she would stay in her dads room and share his bed. To say I was outraged is an understatement, we had words the flatmate moved out and my girl finally got her own room, after 7 months.

It has been a battle with everything where he is concerened as he thinks everything I do is to spite him when it is actually me looking out for the best interests of my daughter.

6 months ago I met a wonderful kind man and we are in a very serious relationship now, my daughter adores him and treats him like her dad and he treats her like his daughter.

Her birth father has contact with her every 2 weeks for a weekend visit. He lives over na hour away.

I know he loves his daughter but he doesn't see what I am dealing with when she returns, it takes me almost a week just to pull her back to being the bri I know she is. I cop attitude, aggressive behaviour, talking back you name it. I put it to him that perhaps just for 3 months we trial her on a once a month visit, to see if that would make a difference. After lengthy discussions he agreed it would be perhaps in her best interests.Then today he calls me back 2 days later and says nope changed my mind not on.....

what am I meant to do, let my daughter carry on the path she is going which may lead to self destruction or do I put him in his place. I have covered his butt for the last few years been there when he promises her things even calling her and doesn't. I am the one who wipes her tears and promise her no matter what I love her and will always be there for her.

How can I make him see the damage his lifestyle has caused, the fact he does not believe in discipline and just lets bri walk all over him....

Help at wits end

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themaddawg1

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September 7, 2006, 12:47 pm PDT

mixed family with children.. problems-not being fair? favortism..

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. I am a father and have been reading these posts and have noticed that my wife of 2 1/2 years is having the same problems with me. For example me treating my daughter (5 yoa) from another marrage like a princess that does no wrong to treating her son (6yoa) from another relationship completly different. We also have a 2 year old in common that she says i also treat unfairly. So basicly i treat my daughter well and give her all the attention and not my two boys. It should also be noted that we have the two boys full time and i only get to see my daughter on the weekends due to my schedule. Furthermore it should be noted that i have to work every other week (12 hour shifts during the day) so i only get to my daughter and do anything with her every other week. HERE IS WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!! Now that we have been really fighting about this issue of how i treat my daughter differently for so long she now says she REFUSES to keep my daughter who is scheduled to be at our house on the weekends during the weekends i work. WHAT Am I SUSPOSE TO DO NOW ???????? i feel she is using my daughter against me. i feel she is rejecting my daughter by not keeping her on the weekends i work. this TRULY IS KILLING ME inside and cant believe my own wife would refuse my daughter like this. I dont know what to do about this.....i would never do this to her son (my step-son). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me any suggestions. I am taking this very hard.

Thank you for your time in advance.......

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mrsraz

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September 8, 2006, 4:44 pm PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: themaddawg1

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. I am a father and have been reading these posts and have noticed that my wife of 2 1/2 years is having the same problems with me. For example me treating my daughter (5 yoa) from another marrage like a princess that does no wrong to treating her son (6yoa) from another relationship completly different. We also have a 2 year old in common that she says i also treat unfairly. So basicly i treat my daughter well and give her all the attention and not my two boys. It should also be noted that we have the two boys full time and i only get to see my daughter on the weekends due to my schedule. Furthermore it should be noted that i have to work every other week (12 hour shifts during the day) so i only get to my daughter and do anything with her every other week. HERE IS WHERE I NEED YOUR HELP!!!!!!!! Now that we have been really fighting about this issue of how i treat my daughter differently for so long she now says she REFUSES to keep my daughter who is scheduled to be at our house on the weekends during the weekends i work. WHAT Am I SUSPOSE TO DO NOW ???????? i feel she is using my daughter against me. i feel she is rejecting my daughter by not keeping her on the weekends i work. this TRULY IS KILLING ME inside and cant believe my own wife would refuse my daughter like this. I dont know what to do about this.....i would never do this to her son (my step-son). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me any suggestions. I am taking this very hard.

Thank you for your time in advance.......

Well first of all she should not punish your daughter for how she feels you are being. It is not the childs fault if you are treating her better than the other kids. I would explain that to her if she is a good mother/person she should understand and know that is very wrong. Now although I am sure you don't feel like you treat your other kids different it is hard to see things sometimes. I am also in a blended family (he has a 12 yr old son and I have a 12 yr old son & 10 yr old daughter, then we have a 8 yr old son together) and it is hard at times for my husband to realize he treats his son different. We have been together for 9 years and just recently (2yrs ago) his son moved with us full time. I believe because he did not have his son full time for so long he is trying to make up for whatever lost time he feels was taken. Even to this day he treats my 12 yr old son different because I believe they are so close he doesn't want his son to feel like he can be replaced. We fight and argue constantly about it but I never take it out on his son. Maybe you need to take a step back and look at it from another point of view. How would you feel if the roles were reversed?? If she feels like this I am sure it is real to her and there is nothing you can say to change that to her. My advice would be to possibly spend some extra time with the kids you have full time when it is not your daughters weekend. Then maybe she will see that you are not trying to give only your daughter special time. If your kids feel the same way I would sit them down and explain to them how lucky they are to have you all the time and that sister is not able to have that. It might help the situation. Good Luck and God Bless!

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mrsraz

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September 8, 2006, 4:52 pm PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: naturesfury