Topic : Co-Parenting

I am at a complete loss.  I have been divorced since 2000, left my ex in 1998 after a very rocky marriage.

Our agreement is for joint custody with myself being the custodial parent.  My kids at the time were 13, 9 and 5.  We moved closer to my family at that time for support and help. My ex stayed in the city the kids grew up in and then moved south. His visits were as regular as could be as his life spiraled downhill. A while after our separtion he met a woman who had 3 kids he said he was flattered that she "checked him out" (ie knew how much money he made, what he did for work etc) (I said she was looking for a gold digger.)  At that time, he had not seen our children for 7 months but had wanted them to come to his place (which was 2 hours away for Christmas).  I was advised by my lawyer to let them go and they went.  Not seeing their dad for 7 months was hell for them. When they arrived, his dad introduced his new girlfriend, her kids (that called him dad etc)..  Keep in mind the kids had not seen him in 7 months and they did not take too kindly to this. To make a long story short, she was rude to our kids, made them clean her house (she isnt the best housekeeper and her kids are pigs).  My ex wanted to stay the night at the girlfriends and the kids wanted to go back to his place and have DAD time. He sulked all the way home.

Anyway, when I picked up the kids, my then 6 yr old was telling me that she knew what french kissing was and the boys being boys egged her on to show me.  She did.. I was shocked.  I asked her where she learned that and she said "I watched Daddy and Deb"  She also went on to tell me what Daddy does to Deb when they are watching movies and how he rubs her feet like he used to do to me but goes up her leg to her privates.  The oldest who's birthday is right after Christmas was given a polaroid shot of a woman's private (no not a stripper shot either).. he was disgusted but gave it to me.

The kids told their dad THEN that they did not like this woman and did not like how she treated them. He said he was lonely and that they were friends.

Fast Forward.a few years..we moved about an hour away from them so I could earn more money, they continued their life not having any regular contact with our kids only sporatic and when he could call.  As the kids grew older they told their dad they would meet him for an hour a month for coffee but they did not want her or her kids there.  They wanted just some time with their dad.  The realized he had a life and was entitled to it but did not want to be treated the way she did.  She however, told my ex that if she was not allowed to come, neither was he.

Our oldest boy I had when I was 17 and my ex adopted him when he was very young.. this man is the only dad he has ever known, however, this woman said to his face "You are not even his son, I dont know why we pay for you!" along with other derogatory comments. When they broke up once she called our oldest's cell phone and ranted that she hoped he was happy that they were breaking up etc.  She has shown up on my doorstep to which I have told her to leave and she had no business being there etc. I eventually got a lawyer as my ex told me she would drive by my home etc to see if he was there.  I was becoming increasinly alarmed.

We went to court in 2004 as he wanted to stop paying child support for the oldest who was 19.  He and I attended mediation at which time he brought up visitation and tried to accuse me of parent alienation.  I told him that I had NEVER and would NEVER destroy his relationship with the kids. I told him that I have paid the kids to see him and speak to him at times because of his choices they would refuse contact.  His lawyer was appalled at the truths that were coming out.  He was ordered to add the kids to his benefits which to this day he never did. His lawyer's exact words to him when it was found out that SHE was the reason why the relationship broke down and why the kids did not see their dad was "Get some balls and tell this woman your kids COME FIRST with you"  His lawyer went on to tell him that his relationship may be only him with his kids and never her due to the damage she has done to them with her actions.

It was decided that they would meet at a restaurant on Dec 26 2004 and IF the kids wanted to go they would go.. Well the oldest went.. and the middle son refused. while the youngest was coaxed by her older brother.  They met him and the next day he was calling to coax them to come out to their place.  They refused.  The relationship died again. 

He never called for over 2 yrs until the middle son turned 18 in 2006.  He left a message and wished him a Happy Birthday.  The son never returned his call as he is VERY angry and feels hatred for his dad.

Meanwhile, he and this woman have a child together and got married last spring. He called again this summer to wish our daughter a happy birthday.  We had moved and our phone number was in the middle of being changed.  I gave him the new home number and we spoke cordially he telling me they had gotten married and I said I wish I could tell you congratulations but the price you paid was our children.

He called again this Christmas at which time I had just been diagnosed with cancer.  Only our daughter would speak to him and the conversation led her to tears as he did nothing but run me down.  He called again last week to wish our middle son a Happy Birthday I answered and advised him that I did not appreciate his calls when they lead to tears.  I also told him that I had cancer and the kids did not need his BS as we were going through enough.

He was apologetic and angry that no one told him as he would have been here in a heartbeat.  The boys did speak to him and told him that it was not his place to be here for me anymore.  Our middle son has been accepted to University and is working to pay his own way however he is going to be short.  My oldest and I are both considering taking out loans to pay for his education. My ex makes over 100K a year and I know the courts would make him pay.  He agreed to pay for half. However, his new wife handles the finances (as she shorted my child support recently which is paid through the government as he refuses to pay me himself).  I know she will not allow him to give the kids any help.  He knows it too. 

In the past 4 yrs he has moved 6 hours away, not telling the kids or even saying goodbye.. just packed up and left. 

Here we are today, having a couple of phone calls and he is getting our daughter's hopes up that her daddy is going to return and be her daddy.. (she is 15).  My heart aches as I know he will call a couple of times (he only calls from his cell as they are not allowed the home number or even his address).. (he hasnt sent the kids birthday cards or Christmas presents since the first year he was with this woman).

Anyway, the boys and I both agree that he will call and have a telephone relationship with her and then that too will fizzle.  (As I said to him he is having an affair with his children).

I spoke to my daughter this morning as she was speaking to her dad last night and was very upset that he was 20 mins away this Christmas and didnt even ask to see them.  They were down this way as the new wife's friend was getting married.  I tried to be as stern with her about her expectations of her relationship with her dad.  I told her that she will not have this "dream" relationship with him as they are not welcome around his home and they are not allowed to call his home.  they call his cell and leave a message and he calls them back.. When he is away working he can call freely.

I tried not to hurt her but bring her back to reality.  She knows that he is going to likely come in and out of her life as he has done for the last 15 yrs.  I told her that you can only blame Deb so much as HE should have from the start made his kids his first priority when he did not she was able to take advantage of that situation for her gain.  I told her that her expectation of what sort of a relationship with her dad she will have is not fair to her or even him.  He cannot come visit as he isnt allowed. He cannot call when he is on days off as he isnt allowed.

I asked her if she would go up to his home if allowed and she said no as she does not feel comfortable around Deb and does not trust her.  She said that she would be too far away for me to come get her at a drop of a hat.

 

What I am looking for is any advice I can take to help deal with this poor little girl.  I know what is going to happen and I hope she is ready.

My stepson came to visit this week and as we were going through his clothes we pulled out a pair of underwear and he said that is my mommy's underwear.  It was size 4 boys underwear, needless to say she is very tiny.  Should we be concerned that he is sharing underwear with his mother?  Will there be any strange psychological effects from this?

Please help me figure out how to make peace with my x-husband, for my kid’s sake. We were married for 22 yrs divorced 3 yrs ago. I just want more then anything to make peace with my x. the divorce has been final for 3 years and he has lived with a woman for almost 2 years now. but he still hates me and has tried on many occasions to turn my kids again me, because I divorced him. 

My kids and I are very close and they understand why i divorced their father.But they both want so bad for their father to get over it and quit being so anger towards them.

My son will be 23 this year and has talked about getting married to his girlfriend of three years, but I honestly believe one of the reasons he is scared to have a wedding knowing that his parents can’t even be in the same room. My daughter is 18 and graduating from high school in couple months. I called her father to see if he wants to order some invitation for graduation for his family and order some of her senior pictures. He was all nice on phone but later that night he called and told me he wasn’t paying for anything. And send me this text messages just he other day “You made decisions without asking my opinion on anything, you insisted on a divorce kicked me out and also the kids lives u took everything and only demand money.” He as refused to pay his half of dental bills or medical bills.

Any way he refuse to help our daughter, her vehicle was broke down on the side of the road, she called him, because he always told if she need him to call, every thought he never had helped her when she called before, well this time he got hateful with her told her that you are your mothers responsibly, that why I pay child support.

See I need some good advice, my daughters graduation is come up and she wants to have a big graduation party just like her brother got, so my boyfriend and I are plan on giving her one. She wants to invite all her fathers’ family, which I think is great.  Her father’s parents and I are still close and I try to call them least once a week.

But I want more then anything to make peace with my x-husband, so the kids don’t have to be afraid of how their father is going to act during events that we both need to be at.  Just want peace for everyone’s sake, I know I can’t make him be someone his not, tried that for 22 yrs, but there’s got to be something I can do for my kid’s sake.  I ve thought about calling my x and saying cant we learn to get along for the kids sake. But i am scared i am just going to get him started with blaming me for everything all over again.

PLEASE I NEED TO ADVISE BAD!!!!!!

 

 

I've been married for 24 years and have 3 children.  My husband and I aren't in agreement over parenting the kids. We have been in major battles over the years over this.  My job as a mother is to protect her children.  Things he has done over the years has caused them to fear him.  They don't like to go to him for anything that they might of done because they are afraid of him.  He has broke their possessions and thrown things when he seems to be losing control of the situation.  I'm even afraid to tell him things because i'm scared of his reaction.  I don't want to upset him or make him mad.  I want him to be happy because if he is happy everyone is happy.  The last fight we had he accused me of turning the kids against him.  That is the last thing i have ever wanted.  I have encouraged the kids to go to him for things but they won't.  I think my kids have been affected by his actions and i don't want it to go on anymore.  I am going for counselling with my kids and I have told him he should get it too.  He refuses to believe he has a problem.  He says its because of me and I get in the way of his parenting.  I've wanted him to go to a marriage counseller but he refuses.  I want us to work thru this if we can but i'm not sure what to do.  If he refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, what can I do? 

 Hi , I was wondering if anyone knows where divorced fathers can receive help, or assisstance. I am a very responsible, and loving father of a 6 year old girl. Her mother and I have joint custody, and her primary place of residence is with her mother. If you go to the court website for our county, there is lots of help for mothers, who may not be receiving child support, or who are having other problems, all without a legal expense for them, but none for fathers whatsoever. I am always current with my child support, and always spending all the time that is per our  custody. I will not go into detail, but her mother is the most hateful, malicious, undermining person I have ever known. I keep a detailed journal of all of my ex,s rants, raves, trouble causing etc. I even have voice mails. One example of such is when my daughter left a message on my cell phone. Her mother, her mother,s boyfriend, and one of his daughters were fighting. You can hear them all screaming, my daghter was asking me to come and get her.Everyone of my friends, co workers, that I have let hear this message is amazed by the very clear derogatory comment made to my daghter, by  my ex as she is leaving me this message. Also, there is regularly 5 children in their home. Five children, 2 adults, in a 2 bedroom, 900 sq ft duplex. My ex has a 2 year old with her boyfriend, and he has 3 other girls, ages 9-11 with his two ex wives. One top of all this my ex, asked for court mediation! I go for my solo visit with the mediator next week. I hope it goes somewhere. Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone know of any sites or organizations that offer advice on such?   Thank you in advance,,,,frustrated in k,c, 

No, as a divorced father i say you shouldn,t. In fact I am surprised your custody papers do not say something about distance. You had the children with your ex, I am guessing somewhere near where you now reside. You should not expect your ex to up and move to be close to his children. If I was him I would make sure legally it was not allowed. I am not trying to be crass, I just know whatn similiar battle with my ex are like. He is your daughters father, they all need each other, probably more than the time they spend together now.   Good luck,

I need help. My wife and I are most likely getting a divorce. I don’t want to get into many details, except I have done a few things to her that hurt her emotionally and made her not feel safe with me. That caused her to feel safe with someone else and I cought her cheating on me. So it has been a horrendous roller coaster. When it comes down to us divorcing she cant see herself being a part time parent (she is a homemaker). I can understand that. I can also see me not wanting to be alone either. We have been married over 12 years. What I need help on is what is everyone’s thoughts on this: She wants to live in the house when we divorce so she can be with the children, so she can be a full time parent. She will get a job, pay for bills and live in the basement. We discussed it a month ago and thought it was great but after thinking about it I don’t think it’s a good idea. I am not going to tell you guys my reasons why cause I want to influence anyone. So please tell me your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Mike

dear dr phil i am a single mom of 3 kids and i am not really with what u say  with alot of money and i am having hard time getting people to listen to me u see i have been told that i am escentric and i love to over react but u see i cant help it i am bi polor and people seem to treat me as crazy etc i have been through a rough life and divorce with my kids dad u see hes macho and an alky i am at my wits end i have took him to court and we are going back again on the 24 of april i am doing this all alone but no one will help me not even free legal help u see my political nice died in his care and his girlfriends kids and my deceased nice were sexually molested and dhhr wont do nothing about he doesnt take care of my kids emotional or physical needs example my daughter was sledding and broke her nose he didnt take her to a doctor more things have happened my ex cant handle 6 kids in a tralier he and his girlfriend just arent able to i am tired of going to court and cuz i have no laywer he gets visitations please i would love to be able to tell u alll my story can u help me i cant keep this up i am there mom and as that i want to do alll i can till the end i just dont want something bad to happen to them as welll what do u think sincerly paty

I'm a remarried crazy (bipolar) mom of 3 kids. My ex has spent the last 3 years successfully destroying my life so I completely understand. He keeps trying to get custody of my children. He can't win, he's got nothing on me but the problem is he lives in California and I live in Oklahoma. Legal aid here won't touch it because it's in California and legal aid in California won't touch it because I'm not a resident. He's constantly messing with my finances by not paying his child support, cutting his child support without notice or causing me to lose jobs and make trips to California so I can't afford a lawyer on my own. I have nearly lost everything to this selfish jerk. He doesn't even want the kids, he just wants to hurt me and he knows now that we're divorced, the only way he can is by taking the only things I live for away. He's destroying his kids too and he doesn't care. When I have talked to "authority figures", they seem to have the attitude of "it wouldn't hurt the kids to live with their dad". That's not true. He has pedophile type urges. We divorced because I caught him looking at teenage boys on the internet. Unfortunately, I have no proof so it's my word against his. My boys are 11 and 12. Handing them over to him could possibly have catastrophic consequences. My fear is, and what he's trying to do, though, is throw me into a spiral I can't pull out of so he can swoop in and take them. That would take away every reason I have to live. It scares the hell out of me. If by some freak thing, he wins, they'll lose their mother forever because there is no way I could recover from it. Hang in there. That's what I'm trying to do. I came <> this close to being on Dr Phil, his producer contacted me a few weeks ago but somehow, someway, I managed to screw it up. I'm not giving up, you shouldn't either.

That would be disastrous. But as far as neither of you wanting to be alone, what would be best for the children? Are there reasons they shouldn't live with their mom full time other than you not wanting to be alone? That probably came out wrong but my internal editor is broke, sorry. Which parent is more suited to have the kids full time? That's where the children should be. Who are they closer to? If she's a homemaker, there's a good chance they're more bonded to her. Tthey're going to need that bond for stability going through the nightmare of a broken home. Please don't make the mistake my ex is making. He is trying to get the children for his own selfish reasons instead of what's best for them. They've been going through a 3 year nightmare that he won't let them pull out of. Living together would be a BAD idea though, trust me.