Topic : Co-Parenting

Well first of all, she was the one who chose to leave the relationship.  He was never reluctant to be there for her.  He was very supportive until she walked out on him.

 

Secondly, we're not the ones asking her to reorganize her schedule for us...it's exactly the opposite!  She only wants visitations on her terms and when it's good for her.  That's why my husband and I tried to compromise with her on the times and set up certain times during the week that EVERYONE could agree on.  That way, no one would have to work around anyone else's schedules.  But she didn't want to compromise; she wanted it to be HER way!

 

Also, there may not be a lot of bonding at 6 months of age.  But as the father, my husband IS entitled to spend quality time with his son without his every move being watched like he is some criminal!

 

And the only time we ever backed out on visitations is when one of us got sick because we didn't want a small infant to catch the crud we had.  Every other time she called us to visit, we were there.  And we worked around her schedule in order to avoid conflict.  I think you're forgetting that she chose to be alone during the later stages of pregnancy and during the course of motherhood.  She made the decision to leave a very supportive man who intended be there for her despite the troubles they were having in their relationship.  She made this decision and therefore it is not in any way my husband's fault, and nor she he have to pay for it.  The child support he is paying this woman is to support that child he helped to create; he does not owe her a thing.  I can't believe how you are trying to make her a victim.  In the words of Dr Phil, "If you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."  She chose to leave my husband who had every intention of being there for her, thus she chose to bear the difficulties of being alone during the course of her pregnancy.

She is too busy dealing with fluctuating hormones and a baby to sort out a regular visiting schedule and if she did it would be thrown out by a doctor's appointment or going shopping to get things she forgot earlier or oversleeping because the baby kept her up at night.   Yes some women manage to get the baby into a settled routine; others, like myself, couldn't manage it to save our lives.

 

She's not a victim.  She's just not got the time, the energy and the inclination to deal with the baby's father and you on anything but her terms at the moment.  If she had a planned pregnancy your husband's behaviour since she left him has got to raise questions.  They live together, decide to have a baby despite problems.  She leaves him and within a year he's married instead of co-habiting and has gone bankcrupt.    

 

As far as being watched like a criminal is concerned what does your husband know about babies and has he told her what his experience is?  Has he shown her that he can change a nappy?  Does he support the baby's head when he picks him up?  If the baby is now bottle fed could he sterilise and fill one?  Has he bothered to read whatever book she believes has got the answers or talked to her about her preferred methods of doing things?

 

Dr Phil that applies to you too.  You chose to marry a man who hadn't worked out the details of his on-going relationship with his ex and his child.  You chose to visit as stepmother rather than let your husband and his ex work out how they were going to co-parent on their own.  They have unfinished business and difficult negotiations to get through - if I were the ex I'd prefer those negotiations to be done without your third party, partisan presence. 

My phone couldn't text her back. I called her cell phone. Her dad heard the ring.

 

Where do I begin?

 

My husband and I were just married in Jan and have a strong relationship and are close but I am struggling and not sure how to handle this issue.

 

My husband and his ex-wife share custody of their two wonderful children who are ages twelve and seven; however, she has 60% physical and he has 40%- he has them during the summer and on certain weekends. There have been some things going on that I am unsure how to handle.

 

The kids came to us and said they love both their mom and dad, and want to spend equal time with both parents. Of course, we were delighted with this, but were cautious and asked his children to really think about it. We told them we would support whatever they wanted. Months later they feel the same way and are getting more aggressive about wanting to stay with us more during the week.

 

My husband tried to talk to the mom about this- she accused him of "brainwashing and manipulation". She refused to have any discussion regarding the subject, and warned him not to speak to the kids about it again - rattled off some statute and threatened him with court and jail time. 

 

The kids have continued to bring it up and ask why can't they live with us.... we have been and are nervous about talking to them about it at all, but it's nearly the first thing out of their mouth.

 

A few weeks ago when they came home for the weekend- both seemed upset, but the youngest (he's seven) was very upset and in tears, and after a while he told us why. He had learned from his mom, that his dad wasn't paying child support and his mom was going to lose their home. We were so upset to hear this- and although we don't feel like the children should have any thing to do with child support issues... we showed the kids check stubs and explained that paying child support was very important and his mom always got their child support and got it on time.  This was very difficult for my husband. But we wanted to assure them-  dad would never not send support. He asked why his mom would tell him that. My husband wasn't sure how to answer, so he just reassured him that he would never not pay and steered the conversation to 'funner' stuff.

 

Two weeks ago- this little boy comes in the kitchen while I'm making dinner and asked "if you really need help, do you think it's a good idea to talk to someone?" I said, "of course" then I went on to say he could always talk to his dad, mom, sister, me or his teacher! He said he wanted to talk to me because he could trust me. He seemed serious and so I sat down to listen. He went on to tell me that his "mom is always sad and cries a lot, and she yelled a lot but only when we make her mad, and that she cried because his dad wouldn't pay his child support (which is SO UNTRUE!). He said he didn't "know what to do but that he didn't think he could be with his dad anymore, because she told him that if he lived with his dad half the time, his dad would stop paying her money and she wouldn't be able to pay her bills and she then would lose her house" He then told me that he wasn't supposed to talk about living with his dad anymore or he would be grounded and she would know. It seems she asks them all the time what they do when they are here and what we all talk about. (FYI: She calls several times a day when they are with us).

 

I began to shake on the inside with fury that his mother would put such a burden on his small shoulders-(as well as his sister) to make him believe something he wanted... that his decision would have ANYTHING to do with her not being able to pay her bills, and losing her home!! How dare her lie to her son like that? And lie about his dad! The only answer I could muster is that he needed to understand that his mom and dad's financial situation had nothing to do with him or his sister, and then I found myself saying "if your mommy tells you that again tell her to talk to your daddy" and then I went to get his dad... because truthfully, I didn't want to be in the middle of it and preferred for him to 'handle it' 

 

The above is the worst of it to me, but there have been many 'lies' told. There have been things said to me in the past, that is just plain wrong, including "if you're mean to me, and don't give me what I want my mom said she'd put you in jail" (we have gotten past those types of things being said long ago- but it still bothers me). There have been many things she has done through hatred, including ruining my husbands good credit by not paying on a student loan that she never refinanced into her name only.  

 

This is starting to put a strain on our marriage and this is what I don't want-thankfully, we have been able to talk about it- I realize that he can only control what he can control- but it's difficult.  I am not sure what to do for or even say to these kids. How do we talk to them?  How much of the truth do they need to know? What is the best way to handle this situation with their mom? Confrontation and court seems to be out of the question- at least for now,  my husband I fear, is afraid of her. For she is in a power position and the courtroom is her "office".  We don't even know what to do.

 

By the way.... she calls my husband and SCREAMS so loud that you can hear her from across the room- and SO can the kids if they are with us! He told her he would hang up unless she is calm. That just makes her angrier.  

 

I know this is terribly long, but thank you for letting me vent.  

 

 

 

 

 

The situation may be exactly as you describe or it may be a good deal milder.  Those children could say anything, or misinterpret something in either household and their word would be taken as gospel because the necessary business-like communication between your households isn't in place. 

 

Speaking as a shouter myself sometimes it is the only way to get a word in edgeways.  If you've attempted to have your say 5 or 6 times in calm voice and been cut off, patronised and dismissed by someone who is so full of their perceptions and preconceptions they can't listen to a few pertinent facts about how the situation has recently changed it lets you at least get the words out.  The I'll speak to you when you are calmer ploy never works on me either.  I see it as a ploy to avoid difficult topics which would be better aired particularly when its used by people who I know will never be willing to listen to me but expect me to drop everything at a moment's notice for their convienience.

 

You don't say what your circumstances are but if you haven't children of your own and your husband isn't spending some of his weekends sorting out shoes and clothing, paying subs for hobbies, buying presents for friend's and writing out cheques for school trips you may not realise how important 10% of the child support is in some households or how ridiculously low some child support payments are set.  .  The cumulative effect of losing that, coupled with the effect of the other parent NOT picking up an extra 10% of the unpredictable expenses could mean the loss of a house after some time.  

 

Could I suggest your husband and his ex-wife set up Yahoo email accounts they use only for corresponding with each other.  Then all they have to do is make a call saying there's an email waiting whenever there is something difficult to discuss.  It also occurs to me that if your husband gave up some of the summer in return for more weekends/ week time during the year the 60/40 split could be maintained but the children would have more regular contact with their father.

 

The one thing you are correct on is: communication between the households are not in place. His ex-wife is not interested in having communcation- she would rather scream.  Children could say anything and we listen. We don't always act on it- but we do listen to their fears and concerns as well as the wonderful and ordinary things in their life. 

 

I have three children - they are adults, except one who is still at home - a senior in highschool, so he's "nearly" grown. While raising my children, as well as the present, I felt and feel fortunate to have a great relationship with all three- my ex- husband and I didn't fight or argue (over our kids-we always basically wanted and did what was in the best interest of THEM) and because our divorce had nothing to do with our kids- we kept our problems or bad attitudes between us- because we made a decision to love and care MORE about our kids than hate each other. 

 

My children are either in college or close to it, doing very well in life, and I am very honored and proud of the people they have become. I didn't have a bit of 'real' trouble with them; (smoking, sneaking out, drinking, teen pregnancy, etc).  I always felt it was my responsibility to keep them safe, healthy, and to do what I could to help them grow into outstanding citizens.  I didn't  'need' to yell or scream at them- I listened to them and respected them- in return they listened and respected me. In fact, rather did scream, I did just the opposite- I would speak in a more quiet voice- rather than 'tune me out'  they had to focus on listening.... with my step children- I have not nor do I feel any need to yell or scream. They are smart and good kids, and I certainly can't speak for their other house hold, but they behave with good manners here, but they are kids and do kid things, just the same, I would assume they do and act pretty much the same- if given the opportunity, at their other home too.  Anyway, I believe there are better ways... and that is not to teach them to treat my future grandkids (or anyone for that matter) that screaming, inibiting and forcing is ok. But... that's just me. To each their own.

 

I know exactly what it costs to raise children. I did it without child support from their father- we shared our children 50/50 and we each supported them- we talked and agreed on 'extra's'.  My husband doesn't pay ridiculously low child support (I personally do not consider nearly $20,000 per year low anyway- not including INS that cost HIM, and half of extras- like dance class, violin, braces or baseball- that he readily pays half of everything for- because he chooses too!). In fact, with her child support- she makes more than my husband. She is a business professional (as we all are) and does very well- but her high maintenence habits and irresponsible spending habits are starting to shine. Her champaigne and caviar budget is what will force her to lose her home- not my husband and certainly not their children! 

 

FYI: he has his kids all summer (and yet continues to pay child support) and every weekend (except the first weekend of each month) during the school year.... he would LOVE to have them every other week- but this would not free up her free time.    

For those of you who don't know my story, let me catch you up.  My husband shares an 8 month old son with his ex-girlfriend who left the relationship when she found out she was pregnant.  My husband and I met about a month-and-a-half after she left him, been together for a little over a year, and just got married a couple of months ago.  The mother has been great about wanting to have both my husband and I to be involved in this child's life.  However, the three of us have had some issues over her controlling behavior.  When the baby was born, the two of them did not go to court to establish visitation rights; they were just going to work it out themselves.  She allows us to visit the baby, but she refuses to allow my husband and I to have time alone with the child.  All of our visits involve her supervision.  As I said, the baby is now 8 months old and perfectly capable of spending some time away from his mother.  She won't even leave the baby for a few hours so that we can spend some one-on-one time with him.  There have been a lot of heated discussions and arguments between her and us, and she has told a number of lies on us.  And about a month ago it got so bad that she wanted my husband to sign away his rights, and for the sake of peace in our lives, we had seriously considered doing this.  Then yesterday we ran into her and the baby at my mother-in-law's house and she wanted us to stay and visit with the baby.  At the time, we hadn't seen him in over a month!  She acts like she is no longer angry with us and wants us to still be a part of the child's life.  However, she's made no mention of allowing us to have unsupervised visitations.  And  there's really no point in even bringing it up because we know she isn't going to do this.  The only way to have our visitation rights without her presence is to take her to court, which will cause more problems between her and us.  I would like for everyone to be able to get along, but I believe she is being very unfair!  My husband pays child support and is legally entitled to have unsupervised visitations with this child.  I understand that she's overprotective, so to ease her mind I even suggested that she let my mother-in-law baby-sit the child and my husband and I could have our visitations with him then.  That way she would be reassured that the baby was in good hands.  But she won't budge on the issue.  My  husband has put up with most of this because he's very nonconfrontational and allows her to walk all over him!  But he deserves the right to have time alone with the child.  Furthermore, as the stepmother of this child, I would love the opportunity to have a relationship with this baby and to spend time with him alongside my husband, and this is very awkward to do while the mother of the child is always there watching your every move...especially given our rocky history with this woman and the things she's done to us and the lies she's told on us.  I wish my husband, for his own rights and for the sake of my relationship with the child, would take this woman to court and establish his visitation rights.  But I know he's not going to do this, especially now that she's no longer angry with us, because he's afraid of stirring things up again.  And I admit that I would like for things to be smooth between everybody.  But is it worth sacrificing your rights over?

 

I just really need some advice on what to do.  Should I talk to my husband and convince him to take her to court, even though it would cause turmoil with her again?  Or should I let him continue to allow her to violate both his rights and a chance for me to form a relationship with my stepson?  I know that I'm just a stepmother and therefore have no dogs in the fight, but it still hurts because I care about this child and my husband, and I want us all to live in harmony.  But it seems that we must choose to live in either injustice or turmoil.  Of course there's always a chance that if we did legally obtain our rights, the mother would come to terms with it.  But there's no gurantee of that happening.  Please give me some advice.  Do I step back and continue to let things happen this way, or do I talk to my husband about establishing his rights?

As long as visitation/custody/support are not legally binding, your husband and you are going to be led around like a dog on a leash by this woman. You’ve got two choice: do nothing, take the scraps that she gives you, and tip-toe around her so you “don’t make her mad.” Or, go to the local court house, file papers to establish visitation, custody and support, and she’ll be angry about it.
The controlling factor is making this woman happy. It is NOT your husband’s responsibility to make her happy; it is his responsibility to assist in raising a well-adjusted, healthy and happy child. To do that, it might mean he’s got to FIGHT; but this is a fight that is so worth it. That baby deserves a loving, caring father and step mother.
It is understandable that your husband doesn’t want to p*ss her off; I get it. Making her mad will make life difficult. However, why does she get to tell your husband what he can or can’t do? It isn’t because he’s a convicted felon and she’s protecting her baby- it is purely for selfish reasons.
Once visitation has been legally established, she’ll come around. What other choice does she have? You and your husband are in a situation where you are damned if you do, and damned if you don’t. If you don’t go through the legal system, this woman can take the baby and go anywhere if she feels like it; then the child will grow up and wonder why didn’t his father fight for him? If you do go the legal route, she’ll be mad. . . OH WELL! It’s time to grow up. Encourage your husband to do the right thing. Let him know that you understand that he doesn’t want confrontation, that he just wants to ‘get along,’ but that it simply isn’t possible to have everyone like you all of the time. Let him know that this is the best thing for the baby- because it is!
I wish you the best, please keep us updated on your situation.

Hello Everyone! 

 

My husband divorced his Ex about 10 years ago and his Ex has custody of the kids who are now 12 & 14 years old.  We have lived in the same town and have been very involved in the kids lives and have always paid child support ++  I am the Step-Mom, have been in the kids lives since they were 4 & 6 years old and we have a great relationship.     

 

Unfortunately, my husbands division at work is closing down and we will be transffered to another State within 2 months....

 

My husbands Son, who is 14 years of age, had stated that he wanted to live with us prior to our finding out about the move.  He still wants to live with us and move when we get settled. 

 

He is having a hard time living with his Mom.  Mom never remarried or dated after the divorce, does not have any friends, is very depressed and has become obese since the divorce.  She is also a compulsive buyer and the house is full of clutter and extremely messy.  It is a very depressing living enviroment for the kids and they will not bring freinds into the house because they are so embarressed.  She is a very bitter woman who has filed false charges against us, has repeatably denied visitation, etc.,. she has even had to pay all of our attorney fees because of her actions.  We have been through hell but it's the kids who have paid the ultimate price.   Both of the kids feel responsible for her happyness and try so hard to make her happy.... My husbands son is the oldest and realizes that he can't make her happy but is so afraid to tell her he wants to live with his dad.

 

In spite of all of the horrible things this woman has done to the kids and us, I can't help but feel sorry for her too.  She has wasted some of the best years of her life - is a professional who makes tons of money and gets over $2,000 per month child support, has time on her own to date, go out with friends etc.,. has two children who love her and she is still misserable. 

 

Sorry to have rambled... Bottom line is our Son is put in a horrible position of having to choose which parent to live with.  He loves them both but wants to get away from mom and spend more time with dad.  He would have to give up the life he knows and make new friends in a new school thousands of miles away if he came to live with us but he still insists that he wants to move.  We will be gone by the time he has to tell his mother he wants to live with us and he is afraid doing this when he has to live with her in the inturn because of her depression.  She is a lawyer, her mother (his grandma) is a lawyer who represents her and he is afraid.  What do I do to help him?????????  Please - any advise!!!

 

His dad and I will support him in any decision he makes but he has to go through this on his own while  we go through the legal process a judge makes the decision.  That  takes a long time... 

 

Please - any advise for us?  

 

Thanks for listening!

 

I'd suggest briefing another lawyer - not the one you use - and then letting him meet the lawyer alone.  The lawyer can explain the process he would have to go through then set up a meeting with Grandma and mother.  Perhaps he would find the approach "I want these things to change and if I am still unhappy with the situation at Christmas I will apply to get my custody order changed.