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Topic : Co-Parenting

Number of Replies: 596
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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:44:44 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you sharing a child with someone who doesn't live with you? Share your story and your strategies for effective parenting.

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October 21, 2005, 4:02 pm CDT

ugly parenting

Quote From: magickali

My ex-husband remarried.  I was very supportive of this and actually encouraged it.  We had a joint custody situation.  We never had a lawyer for the divorce, because I could not afford one and the parting was amicable. 

  

Every thing was civil up until my oldest daughter's birthday which fell on my weekend to have the girls.  He gave me a hard time, lied about some stuff for that weekend.  I ended up going to court.  Now instead of joint custody, I have visitation and I have to pay child  support which I can really not afford.  I have always been a homemaker and now I have two small children.  My ex-husband makes $100,000/yr.  Now I am sorry I did not have the lawyer, because things have been quite nasty. 

  

His  new wife makes my daughters call her  mommy.  My oldest daughter brought me her homework planner  to be signed, so I signed it.  The step-mother erased my name.  My daughter cried and then got punished for it.  This woman had also called our local building department to report that there were too many people living in our house (my husbands aunt and his father live with us in an 1800's carriage house).  When this  plan did not work the building department was called for a part that was sagging 9an area where no one resides) and our house ended up getting condemned.  I had no where to live my  baby and my toddler.  It was horrible.  She then continued to call in that we were still living in the house with the children, but I had gone to California and Florida to stay with relatives. 

  

The step-grandmother sits near me at my daughters soccer games and says annoying things that she knows I will hear.  The step-mother throws out personal items that I buy my daughters when they take them home from the visitations.  My 11 year old is on to what is going on.  But my 8 year old breaks my heart as she is fickle. 

  

I just want to enjoy my daughters in peace, be able to buy them items and not get harassed.  My lawyer says to record everything, but that is so stressful.  I don't want to live like that.  I just don't know what to do. It is making me very angry. 

DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT.  That is the advice I was given and trust me, it helped and worked to my advantage.  

  

I recorded phone conversations and kept receipts for clothings, groceries, b-day presents, etc... 

I had an ad-litem (child advocate attorney) who reviewed my records and documented phone calls and conversations.  I admitted when I hung up on him or denied visitations and why (due to late hour of arrival or sick child).  But it showed that I stuck to the rules and things weren't one sided. 

  

The courts can appoint a psychologist, play therapy and even a home visit.  A friend of mine who's daughter lives out of  town had a psychologist accompany the child across state lines and do a home interview with friends and family of the father (us).  Then compared how the child was with the mom vs with the dad.  The results were shocking.  My friend had child support reduced and had visitations increased!!  That's not what you want to hear but a psychologist or counselor can see thru the "acting" that might occur and see the truth -to your benefit. 

  

  

 
October 24, 2005, 7:20 am CDT

Jealous ex-wife

Please help!  My husband and I have been together since his kids were 4 and 2 and mine were 5 and 3.  They are now 14, 14, 12 and 11.  We have visitation of his kids once a week for dinner, every other weekend and every other holiday.  We also get some extended parenting time when our kids are on their school breaks in the summer and for part of Fall break and part of Spring break.  They live in our community so we get a chance to see them at all of their sporting and school events.  The problem?  Their mother is very jealous of our lives and the relationship we have with her kids.  She is particularly jealous of the relationship they have with me and my children.  My husband and I also have a daughter together who is now 6.  Jodi has gained a lot of weight since their divorce and now weighs about 300 pounds.  This hinders her ability to move on and begin dating anyone.  She holds on to her bitterness and won't move on.  She talks terribly about me and my kids, won't let her kids come and spend time with us when their dad isn't around and gives them a really hard time about wanting to be with or talk to their dad.  They are discouraged from even speaking to us when we see them at their events when it is not "our weekend".  I have never confronted her and always "keep my mouth shut" where she is concerned.  It is getting more and more difficult though when I watch the pain she is causing her kids.   Should we take her back to court and try to get the kids to live with us?  I feel we could support their relationship with her better than she supports their relationship with us. 
 
October 24, 2005, 7:47 am CDT

Mommy on the brink

I am a divorced mother of four. My 15 yr. old daughter lives with her father and the other 3 live with me and my fiance. The past year we have had problems with our 15 yr. old shop lifting, smoking, getting uspended from school, sneaking out at night, low grades, and showing no respect for her parents, family, and siblings.  This past weekend was my weekend for her to be with me.  It started off pretty good, I even let her have a friend come spend the night. When I woke up at 6 am Sunday morning she had left with her friend in the middle of the night. I was hysterical, I called her father and we went looking for her. She was found late sunday night.  My ex-husband and I discussed what we had to do with her. I work for Child Protective Services in a different county, so I suggested we contact CPS in his county to let someone help us. He was all for it, now this morning he stated he is giving her another chance and does not want CPS or the courts involved. I cannot sit by and watch my child fall apart.  I wish I could send  her to a boot camp to or school that would help bring my daughter back.  HELP!!!!
 
October 24, 2005, 8:11 am CDT

help

I'm looking for some advice on how to tell my 2 children that there dad and I are getting a divorce. They are 13 and 15 and to my knowledge have no idea. We never fight and any conversations we have are when they are gone. So far my husband and I are agreeing on everything. He has been speaking to a person he met on the internet  for about a year  We started talking about divorce about a month ago. He informed me this week that he is meeting this  friend next month for the first time. But that he has already made plans to move in with her in feburary. I live in michigan she lives in calgary canada, approx 2,000 miles away. He is giving me full custody of the girls. So not only do I have to explain to them thet there father is leaving but that he is moving so far away that they will not be able to see him for awhile. He is a canadian citizen but legal resident of the states so once he moves back to canada he has to give up his residency here in the states. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

 
October 24, 2005, 8:12 am CDT

A single Dad

I am the father to 3 healthy boys, aged 12, 14 + 15. 

  

I was divorced from their mother 8 years ago. My 2 oldest sons live with me, and they always have. My youngest son, lives with their mother. 

  

I am an Englishman living in Denmark, and for reasons that need not be gone into here, that is the decision that was made. My ex- wife moved back to "our" town about 2 years ago with a guy she was living with, and consequently married, last year. 

  

Under Danish law, I get to see my youngest son every 2nd weekend, alternate holidays and special ocassions like birthdays, and so on. 

  

About 18 months ago, I approached my ex and suggested to her that our 2 oldest boys lived with her ever 2nd week for 5 days. This way, they could develop their relationship with her, her husband and their younger brother. Plus, my 2 oldest boys have breakfast most mornings at their mother´´s house, so all 3 boys can go to school together. 

I admit - I have regretted it many times, but only because of selfish reasons ...... (these thoughts I have "always kept to myself") 

Now my youngest son is 12½ years old - (he lives 1 mile from our house), my ex says I cannot see my youngest son more than I do as it would not be good for him, as he is better off with her! 

Of course, I could contest her and be proven right on this issue........... I just know my sons know Dad is always there for them. All 3 of them. 

  

  

Anyway - that is one story about "shared children"...... another is :- I met a woman - online - that was the woman of my dreams. We chatted, wrote, mailed and called each other for hours at a time. 

She lived in the USA ...   she visited me and my boys here. It was great . 

Earlier this year, I visited her in her home. 

  

The downside is / was, she has a shared child with her ex. Under US law there is a "60 mile" rule for enstraged parents. My American g/f cannot move outside of the US, (understandable), with her daughter. So, a year later - it is over.  

Do divorced Americans only re-marry Americans? 

  

No matter what -                                      Kids come first. 

 
October 24, 2005, 8:23 am CDT

Hi ......

Quote From: crobin

I'm looking for some advice on how to tell my 2 children that there dad and I are getting a divorce. They are 13 and 15 and to my knowledge have no idea. We never fight and any conversations we have are when they are gone. So far my husband and I are agreeing on everything. He has been speaking to a person he met on the internet  for about a year  We started talking about divorce about a month ago. He informed me this week that he is meeting this  friend next month for the first time. But that he has already made plans to move in with her in feburary. I live in michigan she lives in calgary canada, approx 2,000 miles away. He is giving me full custody of the girls. So not only do I have to explain to them thet there father is leaving but that he is moving so far away that they will not be able to see him for awhile. He is a canadian citizen but legal resident of the states so once he moves back to canada he has to give up his residency here in the states. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. 

First, I sympathise with you, and  your children.... 

  

I am a single Dad, have been for 8 years now. 

  

If your husband has any self respect, and love for your children - which I am sure he has, then he needs to tell the children what he intends to do. 

  

You both need to be there and show the kids that you both still love them, as Mum and Dad, because you will always be their Mum and Dad .... no matter what, and tell them together. It will be painfull. Very painfull. 

  

Let the kids ask questions and answer them as best you can.  

  

Maybe they will show anger, contempt, fear, disappointment ......... you need to be strong. 

  

There is soooooo much more I could say, but, I will leave it here.  

  

You are welcome to get in touch if you need a shoulder to lean on, or someone to yell at. 

  

Through your love, and strength, your kids will grow and thrive - believe me. 

  

Good luck and my best wishes go out to you.  Don 

 
October 24, 2005, 1:15 pm CDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: don_ukdk

First, I sympathise with you, and  your children.... 

  

I am a single Dad, have been for 8 years now. 

  

If your husband has any self respect, and love for your children - which I am sure he has, then he needs to tell the children what he intends to do. 

  

You both need to be there and show the kids that you both still love them, as Mum and Dad, because you will always be their Mum and Dad .... no matter what, and tell them together. It will be painfull. Very painfull. 

  

Let the kids ask questions and answer them as best you can.  

  

Maybe they will show anger, contempt, fear, disappointment ......... you need to be strong. 

  

There is soooooo much more I could say, but, I will leave it here.  

  

You are welcome to get in touch if you need a shoulder to lean on, or someone to yell at. 

  

Through your love, and strength, your kids will grow and thrive - believe me. 

  

Good luck and my best wishes go out to you.  Don 

I grew up with divorces parents who both remarried. I was only two 1/2 when they got divorced, so I didn't go through with really understanding what was going on. I do however, feel your husband needs to join in on telling them his plans. It shouldn't be dumped on just you! If he isn't sure how often they can come there or he can see them, he needs to be honest about that. However, if the girls don't want to meet his new "friend" he shouldn't be upset by that. He needs to give them some time. I hope all works out for you! You never know, this could set your relationship with your daughters over the top, and you could all three realize how much you love eachother and the time you spend together! 

Good Luck to you AND your daughters! 

 
October 24, 2005, 1:19 pm CDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: mommmy24

I am a divorced mother of four. My 15 yr. old daughter lives with her father and the other 3 live with me and my fiance. The past year we have had problems with our 15 yr. old shop lifting, smoking, getting uspended from school, sneaking out at night, low grades, and showing no respect for her parents, family, and siblings.  This past weekend was my weekend for her to be with me.  It started off pretty good, I even let her have a friend come spend the night. When I woke up at 6 am Sunday morning she had left with her friend in the middle of the night. I was hysterical, I called her father and we went looking for her. She was found late sunday night.  My ex-husband and I discussed what we had to do with her. I work for Child Protective Services in a different county, so I suggested we contact CPS in his county to let someone help us. He was all for it, now this morning he stated he is giving her another chance and does not want CPS or the courts involved. I cannot sit by and watch my child fall apart.  I wish I could send  her to a boot camp to or school that would help bring my daughter back.  HELP!!!!
I think you need to go with your gut and get her the help she needs. It is selfish of her father to not want to give her the help she needs. He will feel bad if something hapens that could have been prevented! Good for you for looking outside the home for support. Too many people are ashamed to! Also, maybe getting your daughter some counseling from an outside source may help!
 
October 24, 2005, 2:05 pm CDT

Step kids afraid

My husband and I have only been married 5 months and together for 18 months.  He has 2 girls ages 7 and 10 and I have 2 boys ages 12 and 15.  His ex hates that since we are married she cannot do anything about the visitation rights and the girls can spend the night with us.  She has gone so far as to tell the girls that the boys will molest them at night while they're sleeping.  The girls have seen otherwise and now love to be around the boys, like shadows.  But the ex is always doing something new to the extreme and making the girls afraid to do or say anything at our home.  One of the girls most favorite things to do at our house is ride their bikes in with other kids in the neighborhood.  Most recently, this past weekend the girls let is slip that they get in big trouble by their mom if they ride their bikes with the boys around our neighborhood.  Not only do they get in "big" trouble but they also get grounded.  They were specifically told by their mom not to tell their dad of this or they will be in even more trouble.  She also bribes them that if they don't ride their bikes all weekend they will get a "surprise".  The 10-year-old was horrified that her little sister has let this slip to me and begged me not to tell her dad.  She was crying and scared her mom would find out that she told.  No matter what I said they would not ride their bikes all weekend (not until they turn 12 and their mom says they can).  My husbands ex also hides when I go to events and uses her daughters as messengers if I am anywhere in sight.  The oldest girl is overweight for her age and neither get to play with other children.  What mother would keep her children from doing normal healthy activities and bribe them not to say anything???   They are scared!  What can I do????
 
October 24, 2005, 2:31 pm CDT

Hi ....... No hang-up with H"Hook-ups"

Quote From: winnieone

My DH is a really good Daddy to my 2 yo son and 5 yo daughter.  HOWEVER... before we met he was into cartoony-type sexy images of females (kind of like Jessica rabbit, but actual humans).  They kind of take Betty Boop to the next level... skimpy bathing suits (they don't expose any genitalia, but they are sexually suggestive).  There are skateboards called "hookups" that he thinks are really cool.  Anyway... these boards currently sit in a closet, because I feel strongly that my young kids not be exposed to these.  He thinks that I am making too big a deal about it, and if I don't bring attention to them the kids won't think anything about them.   

  

Here is the problem... he told me that he wants to have "his own room" where he can display all his collectibles for himself, including these boards.  I told him that is fine, so long as the kids don't go in there.  He thinks that would make them too much of a taboo and could potentially make the kids think that sexuality is wrong.  While he acknowledges taht he doesn't think they are "appropriate" for the kids, he also doesn't think they are "inappropriate."   He thinks we as a society make too big a deal about images of the human body and the recognition of people as sexual beings.   

  

I don't know what to do.  It seems crazy that I would subject my kids to a lifetime of split parenting (divorce), because of these images, but I feel like I'm going against my own desires by "allowing" them.  This is becoming a situation where DH feels as though he is being controlled by me and that he wants to be able to just be himself in this one room. 

  

What do you think.  Here is a link, so you have an idea of what I'm talking about. 

  

http://www.skatesonhaight.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=HDDP 

  

Please let me know what you think. 

  

Thanks! 

  

Thanks for the link ~  

  

I have just spent a long time at the pre-mentioned site....... I have delibrately looked for "something bad". Something to hang onto that could let me stand by your side. 

  

I hate to say this, but the "Hooker" boards are just another stage in a fashion. They are not obscene or derogitory to children / minors. Cheerleaders show more at times. 

They are what they are - just animations. 

  

As regards the disagreement between you and your partner - that is another issue.(In my opinion). 

Your partner, in your own words, is a good Daddy  and that´s cool. I am sure that they will not even bother if Daddy´s stuff in is his hobby room ..... just like his tools are in his garage. 

  

My point is, it is not worth "making a mountain out of a molehill"    

However - if you have issues on a difference of opinion, then the childrens´ interests must come first. But, honestly, kids see worse watching Tom and Jerry.  

  

Hope you guys resolve your differnce of opinion - so you both can be happy. Good luck :-) 

 
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