Topic : Co-Parenting

Ex-wife is supposely homeschooling the oldest child, age 10.  The youngest is in public school, age 7.

Now she is going to take the 7 yrs. old out of public school and home school .

The oldest can't read very well.

Dad does not want this. The children need a better education than there Mother can give them.   He wants both children in school.

How can the EX-wife be stopped from removing the youngest from school?  The child loves going to school.  The oldest has never been in school, but needs to be.

If he didn't appear last weekend despite not having confirmed then I suggest you call to see if he wants to rearrange and to remind him when the next scheduled visit is due.  As far as your daughter is concerned I think you need to talk to her about character and personality.  This need to be planned carefully but aim to leave her with the idea that some people eg her father never see the big picture, live "in the moment" and are hopeless at forward planning and being reliable.  You accept them as they are and enjoy their company when you can, whilst trying not to take their thoughtlessness personally. 

If your ex still doesn't show up in the next couple of months then I would ring your ex-MIL, give her the details of the next visit and ask her to make sure he turns up. 

Given the history I doubt your calls will increase the frequency with which your ex turns up but at least you will feel you have done your duty as best you could.   

My husband nd I were married 15 years ago. Both of us had been married before. We each brought children to the marriage. But we had different "life plans". If you LOVE your children... you will develop a PLAN for your children regardless WHO is in or out of that child's life.

MY PLAN: I wanted my children to grow up to be responsible, educated, contributing to society, adults. I wanted them to be kind, thoughtful and sympathetic to suffering of others.

I had decided way before the NEW husband, that it was important for my children to LOVE their father. If he was jerk...they would figure it out on their own before they were 50... they were smart girls... (we divorced when they were toddlers). Who knew? He might even straighten out by then... win-win, right?

I worked a lot of "off shifts" to spend time with my girls. I was blessed to find good live-in help. I also went to school to finish my degree. So my girls saw that education was inportant. I volunteered EVERY WEEK in each of their classes when they were in grade school. We enrolled in extra ciricular activities. One at a time, and they made a contract that if they started an activity, they would finish it because it was an expeniture of family resources, which were limited. and school always came first. If grades dropped...so did the activity. Manners were important. As was church and sunday school. Every year we counted our blessings, they gave away 1/3 of their toys to the "poor kids" so Santa would have room for more toys. They never asked for Nintendo...because it "cost a hundred bucks" and they knew Santa was real the year he brought one. They were grateful for their toys, their friends, and their family. When our family suddenly expanded they graciously moved over and made room. Now, they didn't let themselves get bullied either.

Today, They are each college graduates, both with 2 majors and both helped to support themselves through college. Neither one has made a life shattering mistake, although each of them has had to face pivotal moments and chose wisely...since leaving home and as teenagers. But we did a lot of groudwork when they were little that help us though the tough times. I thank their father for supporting that PLAN.

Unfortuneately:

HIS PLAN: ?????

We talked a lot before we were married. I even discussed my plan for the children. I even thought he was listening.

When the kids were little, it didn't seem to make a difference. I had a plan. They would slip into the plan that I had. He would support that...Life would be good. . . Wrong.

Values have to have the same weight for both parents or the step-parent is cancelled out. Rather the children go the "path of least resistance". If one parent is not expecting them to succeed in school, they will do only as well as the lowest standard that is held up for them. If you expect them to be making A's & B's, unless there is a physical reason why they shouldnot acheive, your child will make A's & B's. If you tell them "just don't come home with a D" you can bet, they are coming home with at least a D.

And that is what happened to my stepchildren. It didn't matter that I wanted them to succeed. That I loved them with all of my heart. That I worked nights to be home when they were there so that they could have adult supervision. . . One of them got a GED, the others did graduate from high school. One went to war in Iraq, but didn't do so well when he got home...Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He didn't make it. One got so messed up on drugs we don't know if that caused mental illness or the mental illness caused the drug use. We have one success...kind of... he is working and socializes well but is in a go no where job... He could be so much more!!

All my husband and his ex did for 10 years was battle. Neither one of them actually was looking out for the best interest of the children. it didn't matter how many times that I would sit with him and talk to him about these things. Try to get him to read, and educate himself. It didn't happen. So why did MY KIDS turn out OK?? He is a wonderful, supportive person. As long as I was making the major decisions about them, he was great in a supporting role. Not i the Major role as parent though. Shouldering the main responsibility was too much for both him and his ex. and his kids paid the price. We have all paid the price. My girls have lost a brother... and now they have a sister they can't reach...

They also were targeted by the ex who drilled into my step children's heads that they "have more than you do" "They are spoiled" She never mentioned the fact that these girls worked part-time their whole lives. Or that they have a budget for school clothes and were made to take care of their things.

I hope that all of you ex- parents out there just STOP your fighting!! It can be done!!! Kids do turn out OK!!  I am so sad for my step-kids and so proud of all of my kids for having survived a crazy childhood!

Where is the Co?Our court sysyem needs to enforce men to be a part of their childs lives physically and not just finacially. If that means hitting their pocket even more then fine!!!!!!I Soo many men just walk and have no responsibility, even the ones that are around still do not have it like a women. They never have to make plans in order to go to as much as just a store. Yet us mothers have to prepare for the venture.Yes their are some men out there that help out, and omg they need that pat on the back. I have those moments like most that "where is my freedom??" we both planned these children and now its me with them and he is off venturing the world. So yes this gets very frustrating and depressing. I can't even meet someone to see if i have a life cause what do i do with my children?  Men need to start being men and stepping up to the plate physically, Ive had my moments of almost snappin, then i have signed myself for anger management,but its hard, very hard.

The bottom line to your situation..and Im sorry this may be a bit blunt and not what you want to hear..it does not matter what the ex says about you, family, or the dad..the courts do not see it as grounds for taking children out of the living arrangement/situation they are accustomed to. The only way the courts will ever see it necessary to give your fiance custody is to prove to the courts that the ex is neglectful, abusive to the children, or abuses substances.  And until that changes, if she has primary custody, she can take the children wherever and however she wants. The good news is...the children will eventually see all of this and will want nothing to do with it and her playful games:) The more she pushes your fiance away..the truth is..she's pushing her own self away from her very own children. So what do you do??..you ask? well..the very best thing is..continue to see them and communicate with them like you are supposed to..NOT the ex..don't fall for any games..play it cool..let the children see and figure out the person she really is. They will most likely come running(so to speak) faster to your fiance than you could imagine; rather than loosing your temper and falling for the games. I know this may be especially hard in the heat of things but it will be well worth it in the end.

My ex and I have been divorced more than 12 years and share custody of our 2 sons.  When the children were young, we shared similar parenting skills.  As time has gone by, dad has not tried to instill any responsibility into the kids.  When our oldest turned 16, he bought him a car and paid all the bills that went with it, including gas for the tank (16 yrs old and no job).  When he smashed that car up, dad bought him another.  Our son is very lazy and will spend more time trying to figure out how to escape from chores than the chores would actually take to do.  Now that he's 19, he thinks that he's an adult and can do whatever he wants.  Dad is more lenient with him, even allowing him to attend girl-boy sleepovers since he's 15.  Needless to say, since dad hands him everything (and when dad says no, grandma and grandpa...on dad's side...will say yes).  He has no job but always seems to have money in his pockets thanks to his dad and grandparents (dad is extremely concerned with his son having a solid social life).  When I ask him to do something around the house, he'll flat out refuse, knowing if I don't pay for something for him, somone else will.  He's now expecting his tuition bill to be paid next month.  When I asked him to cut and bag the grass, he refused, saying he doesn't bag grass.  I know when I refuse to pay his tuition bill, his grandparents will quickly step in.  My son has no respect for me and I refuse to pay for that respect.  How can I make him see that the way he treats me is wrong?  I can't hold anything back or take anything away because he just gets it elsewhere and, consequently, feels he doesn't owe me anything, including respect.  It breaks my heart that I've raised such a self-centered son.