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Topic : Co-Parenting
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March 15, 2006, 8:15 am PST
 Quote From: fredgreen My friend is living with his ex, their two daughters (3 & 5), her husband and their 1yr old son. These are not the best, most knowledgeable or mature parents by themselves and they are all living together. One parent tells them to do something, another thinks they're doing something wrong and yells at them. These kids have no reason to listen, getting yelled at and sent to their room for nothing. There is no backyard, no outside time. The parents are playing a video game or watching a "not for children" show most the time, and yes the children watch these shows too. Inuasha, Futureroma, most anything the parents put in. They do not like to watch children's movies and therefore refuse to put them in if they'll have to listen/watch too. The 3 &5 yr old are told to be quiet, "we're watching TV, brother's sleeping, you're too loud/annoying, whining, fake crying....". They baby's always crying. I watch more carefully then they do. The girls are always being yelled at, spanked, sent to bed, told to be quiet, smacked... There is so much wrong in this house that I don't know what to do. I would turn them in but they are my friends. I wish them to get parenting help and hope that should fix it. The mother of the kids should not have them at all. Myself and my friend have had to put a restraining order on her. She beat him up when they were together, tried to kill him once, controls his life and makes up whatever BS she can to make others the bad one. This woman is completely unstable, irrational, illogical, and completely in her own world. She didn't fallow the court order between her and my friend, she wrote an entire paper of lies and swore to it being the truth, she thinks she can get away with anything. The law, truth, right and wrong, and most of all... reality all mean nothing to her. I think Dr. Phil should take a good look at this odd family, I think the mother would be a challenge for him, how do you ague logic with some in their own little wold? On that note I would like to give an example. Her and my friend, never married, had 2 kids. Her sister has a baby (according to her, this is my friend's nephew). My friend's brother has a baby (according to her, this is NOT her niece). To make it more interesting, according to her, her sister's baby is NOT her husbands nephew (least not before she had a baby with him). I could go on and on about this family.... so I'll stop here. My husband's ex sounds a lot like this women but I don't understand why your friend is living with her and her new husband. I bet you will say for the kids but it sounds like it may be better for the kids if he had his own place where they wound not be exposed to the mother as much as they are now. They will always be a part of her life but maybe they could have at least one somewhat stable home with your friend, if he is any better. I can tell you that the things you are talking about can and will affect the rest of the children's life. If it is very bad or abusive I think you should do something for the children's future. They are still young and may not be too damaged if things changed now. Your friend really needs to step up to the plate and get his life in order so he can save his children. Someone needs to be the hero. These people sound young and really immature and the kids will pay the price. Is there any kind of drug or alcohol problem? If so, it will only get worse from here. Do you ever say anything to your friend about your concerns? If he cares about your friendship and certainly his kids, I would think he would be willing to consider he possibility that they are not doing this right and try a new approach. I really believe that it is up to us (society) to protect the innocent in our world. If you feel like this is a bad situation then you should do something. Those kids should really be more important than your friendship. I am not saying I know what to do but there has to be a way. Talk to a social worker or someone that can step in and force them to grow up if they are not willing to on their own. This is a hard place to be. Just listen to your heart. It sounds like you have a good one. Never settle for anything because of fears. You have to live with yourself from now on. Just weigh the situation and what you can do to make it better. It's easy for me to say because I am not in that situation, but I have told my step-children that my responsibility is to them. I don't care if they get mad at me for standing up for what is right and that I will love them no matter what they say or do. One day they will appreciate that I held them to a higher standard and I am sure your friends will to. Even if they don't act like it now. I know those kids will thank you. Hope I could help. Good Luck!!! |
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March 22, 2006, 11:19 am PST
I am step-mom to a wonderful 4 yr old boy, and have a 6 yr. old daughter of my own. Just for some background, I have been in my SS life since he was about 6 weeks old. Fortunately, he and my daughter get along great and view themselves as bona fide siblings, and my husband and I treat them as such. We share custody with his mother. We live only a mile apart, so my SS is able to have time at both houses each day. The problem is with ME. In the past, I had limited personal conversations with his mom due to the fact that we were going thru custody/child support issues and things were tense and uncomfortable. In the past year, those things have settled down, and she and I started being social with one another. Meaning, we would take the kids out on our own to do activities, and occasionally would hang out together without the kids. At first, this seemed fine. We are the same ages and have the same taste in music and social life. But after a while, I started leaving the gatherings either "mixed up" or just annoyed. I have been trying to put my finger on why that is. To begin with, we have very different styles of parenting. According to Dr. Phil's test, I am equally an Authoritative/Equalitarian parent, as is my husband. My SS mom is Permissive and parents out of guilt and wanting to be liked (she admits to this). So when we hang out with the kids together, I have to keep from trying to take over the mom role and do it "my way." He is so much better behaved in my opinion when I do it. I don't ENJOY feeling this way, though. Second, when things come up and schedules change, appts. are made and such, I have been getting so irritated if things have to be rearranged for his mom and her schedule. Our life is very settled, whereas hers is not. Working hours sometimes change and she is a full time student. There is always something going on. Sometimes my husband and I feel "on call" as parents. I just have a horrible feeling that deep down I am a bad person for feeling this way. I have tried to stay in the background and let my husband and my SS mom do the pick up/ drop offs, appts. etc. But they are NOT good communicators with each other. Plus, since I have been around from the beginning, it only feels natural for me to parent him and be involved. So to "butt out" feels unnatural. To her credit, I have never been left out, nor has she made me feel unwelcome in my role as his step mom. I just don't know why I am feeling the way I am. Could it be that I am not over all the arguments and issues from the past? Even those issues are nothing I have control over or can change. I love my SS, and I don't dislike his mother. Why am I having a hard time with this NOW, after 4 years? I know about good fences and boundaries and all that. But how do you go backwards as a friend, when you have stepped forward as one? If it were up to his mother, she would like to have one big happy family. So then I feel like a jealous prude. Neither my husband nor I are comfortable with the whole big family idea, though. (They were never married or in an "official" relationship-bottom line, didn't know each other that well). I DON'T LIKE feeling bitter and resentful towards someone who is so willing to make this work. Should I totally back track and keep things strictly parent to parent, or is there a chance we could be friends if I worked these issues out? Any advice? |
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March 22, 2006, 1:37 pm PST
Quote From: mom2nandj I am step-mom to a wonderful 4 yr old boy, and have a 6 yr. old daughter of my own. Just for some background, I have been in my SS life since he was about 6 weeks old. Fortunately, he and my daughter get along great and view themselves as bona fide siblings, and my husband and I treat them as such. We share custody with his mother. We live only a mile apart, so my SS is able to have time at both houses each day. The problem is with ME. In the past, I had limited personal conversations with his mom due to the fact that we were going thru custody/child support issues and things were tense and uncomfortable. In the past year, those things have settled down, and she and I started being social with one another. Meaning, we would take the kids out on our own to do activities, and occasionally would hang out together without the kids. At first, this seemed fine. We are the same ages and have the same taste in music and social life. But after a while, I started leaving the gatherings either "mixed up" or just annoyed. I have been trying to put my finger on why that is. To begin with, we have very different styles of parenting. According to Dr. Phil's test, I am equally an Authoritative/Equalitarian parent, as is my husband. My SS mom is Permissive and parents out of guilt and wanting to be liked (she admits to this). So when we hang out with the kids together, I have to keep from trying to take over the mom role and do it "my way." He is so much better behaved in my opinion when I do it. I don't ENJOY feeling this way, though. Second, when things come up and schedules change, appts. are made and such, I have been getting so irritated if things have to be rearranged for his mom and her schedule. Our life is very settled, whereas hers is not. Working hours sometimes change and she is a full time student. There is always something going on. Sometimes my husband and I feel "on call" as parents. I just have a horrible feeling that deep down I am a bad person for feeling this way. I have tried to stay in the background and let my husband and my SS mom do the pick up/ drop offs, appts. etc. But they are NOT good communicators with each other. Plus, since I have been around from the beginning, it only feels natural for me to parent him and be involved. So to "butt out" feels unnatural. To her credit, I have never been left out, nor has she made me feel unwelcome in my role as his step mom. I just don't know why I am feeling the way I am. Could it be that I am not over all the arguments and issues from the past? Even those issues are nothing I have control over or can change. I love my SS, and I don't dislike his mother. Why am I having a hard time with this NOW, after 4 years? I know about good fences and boundaries and all that. But how do you go backwards as a friend, when you have stepped forward as one? If it were up to his mother, she would like to have one big happy family. So then I feel like a jealous prude. Neither my husband nor I are comfortable with the whole big family idea, though. (They were never married or in an "official" relationship-bottom line, didn't know each other that well). I DON'T LIKE feeling bitter and resentful towards someone who is so willing to make this work. Should I totally back track and keep things strictly parent to parent, or is there a chance we could be friends if I worked these issues out? Any advice? EXACTLY!!! I read this message, and was set back. It was like reading something that came from me. There are afew differences, but pretty much the same. I feel you have every right to feel some resentment and bitterness. Chances are she does also. As hard as it is to say, don't let it get to you this way. In the situation I am in, my fiance and his ex, HATE each other, and for 2 1/2 years I was forced to be the mediator and decision maker. She couldn't get through to him, and visa versa. She and I a 10 years different in age(me being 25, her 33) but I am the more motherly one. There was a point that she came to me to ask how to love her own children as I do. I tried to be a "friend" to her, but all that did was make it worse. She is very coniving, and hurtful, and I now find myself being the butt of all negative conversation and emotion, mainly because she wants to still control our world and can't. I have stressed myself out because of the animousity between her and I, but came to realise, it was only hurting me. So take it day by day, and smile while in her presence. Kill her with kindness. At least you'll know you tried. |
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March 22, 2006, 4:32 pm PST
Quote From: lostatsea EXACTLY!!! I read this message, and was set back. It was like reading something that came from me. There are afew differences, but pretty much the same. I feel you have every right to feel some resentment and bitterness. Chances are she does also. As hard as it is to say, don't let it get to you this way. In the situation I am in, my fiance and his ex, HATE each other, and for 2 1/2 years I was forced to be the mediator and decision maker. She couldn't get through to him, and visa versa. She and I a 10 years different in age(me being 25, her 33) but I am the more motherly one. There was a point that she came to me to ask how to love her own children as I do. I tried to be a "friend" to her, but all that did was make it worse. She is very coniving, and hurtful, and I now find myself being the butt of all negative conversation and emotion, mainly because she wants to still control our world and can't. I have stressed myself out because of the animousity between her and I, but came to realise, it was only hurting me. So take it day by day, and smile while in her presence. Kill her with kindness. At least you'll know you tried. I can so relate to this. It is so interesting that when my fiance's ex-spouse was involved with the man whom she left my fiance from everything was fine we would converse. Once the guy left her she has become bitter,jealous and on more than one occasion been confrontational in front of the children. At that point we ended all verbal communications. She is a complete control freak.
She has refused to sign the MSA for over 8 months the diorce was filed three years ago. My fiance fired his collabortative attorney and hired a Conventional Attorney and the ball rolling and she (ex) is pissed. She told her attorney the trouble started when we moved intogether when in fact it was when the boyfriend moved out. She had not told her attorney the truth about her affair nor that she was living with the boyfriend one week after she and my Fiance moved to separate homes. Her attorney got the shock when my fiance's attorney informed her that the issues started when the boyfriend moved out not when we moved intogether because we were all talking prior to that. The silence was deafening apparently on the other end of the phone and the conversation ended. I guess they say attorneys do not like surprises..LOL
The long and short of this is. I do hope when this is all over that there will be a better relationship without so much tension. I think I could handle a business like relationship but thats all. Co-parenting may not work with her but we are going to go to the individual sessions in hope that something positive comes out of it. |
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March 22, 2006, 6:10 pm PST
Quote From: lostatsea EXACTLY!!! I read this message, and was set back. It was like reading something that came from me. There are afew differences, but pretty much the same. I feel you have every right to feel some resentment and bitterness. Chances are she does also. As hard as it is to say, don't let it get to you this way. In the situation I am in, my fiance and his ex, HATE each other, and for 2 1/2 years I was forced to be the mediator and decision maker. She couldn't get through to him, and visa versa. She and I a 10 years different in age(me being 25, her 33) but I am the more motherly one. There was a point that she came to me to ask how to love her own children as I do. I tried to be a "friend" to her, but all that did was make it worse. She is very coniving, and hurtful, and I now find myself being the butt of all negative conversation and emotion, mainly because she wants to still control our world and can't. I have stressed myself out because of the animousity between her and I, but came to realise, it was only hurting me. So take it day by day, and smile while in her presence. Kill her with kindness. At least you'll know you tried. Well thanks for replying. As far as our situation goes, we don't really have allot of drama, thankfully. No one hates each other or anything of that sort. More just tired of dealing with so many parents/caregivers with just one child as the focus. Kind of like, "too many cheifs and not enough Indians". Different parenting styles are clashing. My husband and I are working on becoming strong Christians and I feel that this issue is getting in my way. I am 25, and do not want this to be an issue my SS whole life. I do want us to all get along, and I know some of the things that I am feeling are probably normal. I want to treat her as I would like to be treated. But then when certain things come up, like an issue with parenting my SS or a money issue, I just start feeling that my friendship with her is not "true" if I have these opposite/unapproving opinions of her. I want to be able to leave the past problems and disagreements we have had in the past. I want to trust her totally, but with someone who has a certain "power" over your household -a child and finances- it is really hard to do. We do get along 80% of the time, so it isn't all bad. I just wish I had someone else to talk to about it. It is just a boundary line that I think I crossed when I tried to be friends with her on a much more personal level other than just sharing things about our son. I'll hang in there, though! You do the same :-) I think if I approach it with the "one day at a time" attitude, that might work better for me than to think about the next 14 years! |
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March 22, 2006, 8:20 pm PST
Quote From: mom2nandj Well thanks for replying. As far as our situation goes, we don't really have allot of drama, thankfully. No one hates each other or anything of that sort. More just tired of dealing with so many parents/caregivers with just one child as the focus. Kind of like, "too many cheifs and not enough Indians". Different parenting styles are clashing. My husband and I are working on becoming strong Christians and I feel that this issue is getting in my way. I am 25, and do not want this to be an issue my SS whole life. I do want us to all get along, and I know some of the things that I am feeling are probably normal. I want to treat her as I would like to be treated. But then when certain things come up, like an issue with parenting my SS or a money issue, I just start feeling that my friendship with her is not "true" if I have these opposite/unapproving opinions of her. I want to be able to leave the past problems and disagreements we have had in the past. I want to trust her totally, but with someone who has a certain "power" over your household -a child and finances- it is really hard to do. We do get along 80% of the time, so it isn't all bad. I just wish I had someone else to talk to about it. It is just a boundary line that I think I crossed when I tried to be friends with her on a much more personal level other than just sharing things about our son. I'll hang in there, though! You do the same :-) I think if I approach it with the "one day at a time" attitude, that might work better for me than to think about the next 14 years! My situation is different in that there is a lot of drama but it comes from my husbands ex and how she parents the three children he had with her. She is the same kind of parent you are speaking of and my husband and I are like you. I do think that there are just some lines that people should not cross. Being friendly is fine but being friends is just forced. Think about it you would not be friends with her if it was not for your husbands relationship with her because at the heart of it all you and her are different. Your values and standards are not the same. Maybe you could just back off of the forced friendship and she will get the point. Things can be done in a manner in which no one gets hurt. If you are uncomfortable at all with your relationship with her than you should listen to that little nagging feeling and just be friendly with her instead. If you continue to force it you may say or do something out of frustration that may injury the friendly relationship you can still have with her. Getting along is the best thing for everyone but that doesn't mean you have to become best friends. Just respect her for what she does right and leave it at that because if it feels forced that nagging feeling will turn into something bigger. This does not make you a bad person. We do not have to like everyone but we do have to treat people with the same respect that we would like for ourselves. You have done that. You love that child and that is what really matters. Except that for the next 14 yrs you will do whatever it takes for the child's happiness but that you have to be happy also. REMEMBER !!!! You are a good person just for loving that child. Good Job and Good Luck!!!! |
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March 23, 2006, 4:15 am PST
Quote From: cryssie My situation is different in that there is a lot of drama but it comes from my husbands ex and how she parents the three children he had with her. She is the same kind of parent you are speaking of and my husband and I are like you. I do think that there are just some lines that people should not cross. Being friendly is fine but being friends is just forced. Think about it you would not be friends with her if it was not for your husbands relationship with her because at the heart of it all you and her are different. Your values and standards are not the same. Maybe you could just back off of the forced friendship and she will get the point. Things can be done in a manner in which no one gets hurt. If you are uncomfortable at all with your relationship with her than you should listen to that little nagging feeling and just be friendly with her instead. If you continue to force it you may say or do something out of frustration that may injury the friendly relationship you can still have with her. Getting along is the best thing for everyone but that doesn't mean you have to become best friends. Just respect her for what she does right and leave it at that because if it feels forced that nagging feeling will turn into something bigger. This does not make you a bad person. We do not have to like everyone but we do have to treat people with the same respect that we would like for ourselves. You have done that. You love that child and that is what really matters. Except that for the next 14 yrs you will do whatever it takes for the child's happiness but that you have to be happy also. REMEMBER !!!! You are a good person just for loving that child. Good Job and Good Luck!!!! Hey- thaks for that! You said a whole lot of good stuff. I will have to read that over and over. YEAH! I know we are really lucky b/c most people who split up deal with allot of issues between themselves that make things dramatic. So I am going to start counting my lucky stars. I really hope that your able to get a handle over that your dealing with in your household. I came to this message board hoping to get some constructive advice/opinions. I don't like the boards when all they do is use it for a B#$ch fest. Everyone is so interested in their own stuff that they don't even reply with an opinion, just dive into what their problem is. Thank you again. So what is the story with the "mom" in your life? Is she a good mom & just gets on your nerves, or is it more? |
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March 23, 2006, 9:22 am PST
Quote From: mom2nandj Hey- thaks for that! You said a whole lot of good stuff. I will have to read that over and over. YEAH! I know we are really lucky b/c most people who split up deal with allot of issues between themselves that make things dramatic. So I am going to start counting my lucky stars. I really hope that your able to get a handle over that your dealing with in your household. I came to this message board hoping to get some constructive advice/opinions. I don't like the boards when all they do is use it for a B#$ch fest. Everyone is so interested in their own stuff that they don't even reply with an opinion, just dive into what their problem is. Thank you again. So what is the story with the "mom" in your life? Is she a good mom & just gets on your nerves, or is it more? You deserve to be praised because you are doing what you know is right and you are listening to your heart. That is such a great trait to have. I search for people that are like that and for people that think about themselves and ask themselves questions. Like, "Am I doing what is right?" or "Am I being selfish?". If more people were like this the world would be a better place. It means you are logical and rational and most importantly you are thinking of the people you love. Thanks for asking about my situation. You can look at the messages I have posted on here already and the second one tells a lot about what I am dealing with. I can tell you she is nothing like me or you. She does not have the convictions or unselfishness I wish she did because it really is turning lives upside down. She loves her children I am sure but she cares more about herself than anything. I have never even had to deal with someone like her in my lifetime because I refuse to surround myself with people that want to drag you down to their level. Now I have to deal with her and it is very difficult. I just try to be who I am but always stand up for the truth and for what is right. It's just the way I was made. I would like to keep in contact if you would also. If you would like my e-mail, just let me know. You really are lucky and be proud of who you are. Good Luck!!!! |
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March 23, 2006, 10:49 am PST
Quote From: cryssie You deserve to be praised because you are doing what you know is right and you are listening to your heart. That is such a great trait to have. I search for people that are like that and for people that think about themselves and ask themselves questions. Like, "Am I doing what is right?" or "Am I being selfish?". If more people were like this the world would be a better place. It means you are logical and rational and most importantly you are thinking of the people you love. Thanks for asking about my situation. You can look at the messages I have posted on here already and the second one tells a lot about what I am dealing with. I can tell you she is nothing like me or you. She does not have the convictions or unselfishness I wish she did because it really is turning lives upside down. She loves her children I am sure but she cares more about herself than anything. I have never even had to deal with someone like her in my lifetime because I refuse to surround myself with people that want to drag you down to their level. Now I have to deal with her and it is very difficult. I just try to be who I am but always stand up for the truth and for what is right. It's just the way I was made. I would like to keep in contact if you would also. If you would like my e-mail, just let me know. You really are lucky and be proud of who you are. Good Luck!!!! Hey again, I read the beginning posts of yours, I think. I have found all these boards to be a bit confusing. You do sound like you have a HARD situation to resolve. I wouldn't even know where to begin with that one. Even if you know the kids are in a bad situation, you can't just get custody. Your on the dad's side! Things don't go that easy when it is a father taking initiative. Although in our situation there would be no need to take steps to do that, in yours I would definitely see the need. But unfortunately in the eyes of the law there wouldn't be one. If you all lived closer, the steady example of good parenting might have more of an effect on your kids, but with them being so far away it seems impossible. I wish I had some advice for you, but I have no idea how to deal with that one. Maybe writing each child a letter a couple times a year, talking about how things are going at the time, how much you love them (truthful things that they aren't used to hearing), what your wishes are for them...etc. and keeping them for when they actually come to you for help, AND THEY WILL EVENTUALLY! or when they are older and are out of their mothers control. Or a videotape documentary. I don't know, it would have to be something extreme but something that they can have to visibly see how much you have loved them over the years. But for real, I would just keep on doing it until they ask for it or the time is right. Otherwise, it would just fall on deaf ears or not get there at all. Have a good day! |
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March 23, 2006, 6:53 pm PST
Quote From: mom2nandj Hey again, I read the beginning posts of yours, I think. I have found all these boards to be a bit confusing. You do sound like you have a HARD situation to resolve. I wouldn't even know where to begin with that one. Even if you know the kids are in a bad situation, you can't just get custody. Your on the dad's side! Things don't go that easy when it is a father taking initiative. Although in our situation there would be no need to take steps to do that, in yours I would definitely see the need. But unfortunately in the eyes of the law there wouldn't be one. If you all lived closer, the steady example of good parenting might have more of an effect on your kids, but with them being so far away it seems impossible. I wish I had some advice for you, but I have no idea how to deal with that one. Maybe writing each child a letter a couple times a year, talking about how things are going at the time, how much you love them (truthful things that they aren't used to hearing), what your wishes are for them...etc. and keeping them for when they actually come to you for help, AND THEY WILL EVENTUALLY! or when they are older and are out of their mothers control. Or a videotape documentary. I don't know, it would have to be something extreme but something that they can have to visibly see how much you have loved them over the years. But for real, I would just keep on doing it until they ask for it or the time is right. Otherwise, it would just fall on deaf ears or not get there at all. Have a good day! There is a easier way of seeing someones messages. You just click on my name and it will bring up my profile then towards the bottom click on "see message boards for this user" or something like that. It will show everthing I have posted. Maybe you knew that. I just thought I would let you know just in case you didn't. Anyway, thanks for the response. It is a hard place to be in and that makes me anger at my husband's ex because it is hurting the kids so much. We will just press on and, like you said, just let them know how much we love them. Best of Luck!!! |
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