Topic : Co-Parenting

I sincerely empathize with your concerns.  Trust me I do.  It is normal for any parent to be concerned if his or her child is under someone else's care.  It can be said that you wouldn't really care if you felt otherwise.  It's like being concerned about the daycare center which you enroll your child in, is going to benefit your child?

Now, I realize though, immediately, and I could be wrong, but it's a bit convincing in how you begin your response: "Why should I just give into what he wants?"  Again, I could be wrong, after all, I'm not an expert, but listen to how you are putting it.  You are personalizing this issue to the point where it's becoming about you and him and not the baby.  And again, I can empathize with you because I know where the concern comes from.  Nevertheless, it's not about what he wants or you want, it's about what's best for the child.  And I've been involve in the family court system over 10 years, long enough to hear too many times, when you personalize matters using "I" and "me," the court recognizes that you are making it about what you and the other party wants rather than what's best for the child.  They don't promote using "I" and "me" terms.  Rather, using terms such as, "in the best interest of the child, he/she would benefit if..."  (Use this, please, as it will be very useful if you're ever in court.  And not only use it, but believe it and incorporate it into your decisions regarding your child.

The point about him expressing himself about the baby as an "object," sometimes people communicate different but mean no harm.  Do you really think he meant to demean his child?  He used grammer which could have easily been taken the wrong way.  Don't let that consume how he feels about the baby.  If he didn't care, he wouldn't want to have his child in his life at all.  Granted, he made poor choices, he stated things that wouldn't uphold that thought at the beginning.  But now here you are.  Here he is.  This is the moment to focus on.  You both want to be in the baby's life.

Comprimising is about the 2 of you.  Try things.  Switch things around.  Modify things so that you're not stuck disagreeing.  And he too should do the same.  Again, I stress that only you 2 can make this work.  Work together, not against one another.  God I wouldn't wish for you 2 to end up fighting further about this.  It really does affect so many people.  And your child will never benefit from it.

If he works during the time he has the baby it's because he has to.  The same if you had to work and sustain your family.  Now, if it's a situation where you can stay with the baby always because you don't work, then it's different.  Becasue there is one parent that can devote that time to the baby.  There should be no reason why the baby should be at the daycare center, or with someone else if either one of you are capable of taking care of the baby during that time.  I think that if you can watch the baby if you're not working and he's at work at that time, then you should have the baby as you are fully equipped and capable of taking care of the baby.  But if he's available to take care of the baby during that time, then he's just as capable to take care of the baby.

Reading towards the middle of your response, I feel you hold resentment towards him because of past actions or said things.  Again, things that are influincing how you feel.  Don't let it, please.  Trust him.  He wants to be a part of the baby's life.  You don't have to forget nor forgive, but trust him.  Don't restrict him based on past actions and statements made.  Let him prove otherwise.  He may "fail."  But you will never know if you don't give him a chance.

Don't assume things either.  You are placing too much focus on his gf.  You're right, what works for her and her ex may not work for you.  But you really don't know that unless you try.  You both can always agree that if things don't work out as you plan, you can come together to modify things so they can.

You mentioned something about being 19??  I'm not sure of his age, but that may explain why "he is too busy."  And no one knows the turn out of things until they go through it.  To say that he will fail before it happens, well you're just expecting it to fail.  You really make your future how you think it will be.  And if you have no hope, no faith, no belief that he will do right for your child, then that's what will come out of this.  Give him the benefit of the doubt.  He may surprise you.  If he fails, at least you know you did your part.  And when your childs questions matters, you can always be cleared from interfering.  Trust that you wouldn't enjoy having your child resent you for anything, it's the worst feeling ever; ask my dad.

All I can say is try.  And if he makes excuses, try again.  Make copies of everything.  Using e-mails to communicate, writing letters, etc.  Have documentation that you are trying to do what you can.  Listen, you can only do what you can.  If he doesn't take innitiative over things, let him fail.  You do your part, worry not about him for now.

As far as the court system and the out come of things if it gets to that point, don't underestimate the outcome.  My mom always tells me, "Be prepared for 2 outcomes, 1: you will attain what you request, 2: you will not attain what you request.  No one ever wins in court, trust me.  Everyone gets hurt by it.

I really hope best for all of you.  Try!!!  And have faith.

Hi,

The father of my 11 mo old and I have been separated for  just over 2 months now.  The baby is with me during the week and with him on the weekends.  We talk on the phone almost every night and I have been able to talk to him about my days with baby and parenting. 

Until now.  When we split up it was becasue I had issues with his drinking.  The only think I have ever asked of him since we split was not to drink when the baby is with him.  He said he understood and when we talk on weekends he was telling me he wasn't. 

Then we spent the day together at the zoo the other day and when got back to his place he asked if I wanted to share a beer.  I was suspicious and it came out that he had been having a few a couple of times but he says not getting 'hammered'.  I just felt so devastated like I had been trusting him all this time and he had taken it apon himself to modify it without telling me.  Then he started ranting about 'sorry I didn't do what you told me to do, you can't control me now we are not together'.

He can't see that I don't care what he does when the baby is not with him.  I would feel responsible if I didn't try to ensure the safety of our son.

Then the next day I called in the morning and he said he was annoyed it woke the baby up who was sleeping in the bed with him.  He knows I don't do that, and I explained it could make things difficult for me during the week.  Rather that acknowledge that it could cause problems and that it meant something to me, he just goes on and on why he did it.  It makes me feel like he is minimising my feelings on it and that he is not willing to discuss or cooperate on anything.

I worry that because our son is so young that all these mixed messages and inconsistensy are going to mess him up in the long term.  That having a mother that is upset all the time is going to have an affect on him.

I just don't know how to get through to my ex.  We have been going to family court counselling, to try to avoid going to court over this and in the sessions he seems to just say whatever he thinks sounds 'good' but doesn't actually do it in reality.

Hi,

The reason I say "why should I give into what he wants" is becuase thats what he wants me to do. Shoudlnt I try and fight for what is right for this child or at least what is reasonable and stable. All he wants is what he thinks is going to be fair for him. He is so worried about that he may not get 50/50. But I tried to explain to him in cases such as this 50/50 cant always happen. I am not denying him access to his child. He can come visit when ever he wants. As long as he calls first to let me know he is coming incase I am not home. The whole thing about him saying he wanted to break it in, after I said that it wasnt a car or a pair of shoes he said whatever. Like he didnt care that he just refered to his child as an object. I dont know if he ment to or was just being careless or even just trying to piss me off. I have tried to be reasonable I have asked him why he thinks the child would benifit from living at his house and he told me because there wasnt clothes on the floor and it didnt smell like dust. I'm sorry but anyone who has had children know that their house is eventually going to collect a little dust and there are going to be some clothes on the floor. That is a stupid reason to think that the child would benefit away from its mother.

I can devote all my time to this child I will be on maternity leave for 9 months after the baby is born. I am off work for this specific reason, to take care of my child. He will be working and having someone else take care of the child. I really dont think that bringing a third caregiver into the childs life at such a young age is not what is best for the child. I have tried to explain that to him as well and he said oh well, the father should get 50/50. But with him working for more then half of the week, he isnt really gettting 50/50. especially if it is gone the next week without him getting to see it. I really do think that it would confuse the child. He can come over after work and spend time with his child there is nothing wrong with that.  He can even have weekends when the child isnt breastfeeding as much. I am not against that. I am willing to comprimise. I am trying my hardest to think of whats best for this child.

I have tried and tried and given him chance after chance. It stresses me out to much and I am just not willing to let stress take over my days and nights, becuase when I am talking to him I stress out trying to defend myself and trying to explain to him that we need to compramise and think of something reasonable and stable for this child.  He wont talk reason with me. Its what he wants and nothing else and thats why I say why should I just be willing to give into what he wants. shouldnt finding away that works be more important? And if one of us disagrees then shouldnt we find another way to work things out. I'm at a loss of what to do, but all I know is that I dont want this to end up in court. I dont know what else to do.......

Thanks for responding.  I'm grateful that Dr. Phil has the message boards up for people to talk about their lives with one another, with the hope, I presume, for us to learn from one another.

I'm sorry it's taken time to respond, I've been pretty withdrawn since I sent this letter to my ex-wife.  I've been so confused and emotionally drained, constantly questioning myself, "Did I do the right thing?"  "Have I given up?"

First, I'd like to clear up, I'm not giving up on my son.  I will never do that.  I will always be his dad.  And I will do my part to ensure he always knows I'm there whenever he wants me.  What I've realized instead, is that with that letter, I have essentially attained what I've lost throughout these 2 years of court battles.  Myself!  You see, my son is my life.  He's the reason I am who I am.  But in my situation, my love for my son has become extreme, to the extent that somtimes I'm blinded by it.  For instance, if feeling that someone violates my paternal rights, I immediately take action.  And as seen in some situations, this has not been a good thing for me.  It has actually made matters worse.  And I stand not for the wrong reasons, but nevertheless, it doesn't turn out well.  You know that saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it?"  Well, in my situation, I can only effectively attain what I feel is right when I change my actions.  How I've been doing things is incorrect, and therefore requires that I fix it.

And that's what I'm trying to do.  Easily anyone can review my letter and conclude that I've simply given up.  But if you look carefully, I've actually attained more than what I had previously.

You see, that letter places complete control over my son with my ex-wife.  It's all up to her.  If she denys my rights, I'd accept that.  I won't be happy, I will become aggitated, but I will try everything I can to make sure I don't end up where I've been for the past 2 years.  And here's the thing, whenever she denys me our son, she's not only hurting me, but him also.  And that continued behavior will eventually come back to haunt her.  Our son will resent her and hold her accountable sooner or later.  Because there's one thing that's certain with kids, they love their parents unconditionally.  And that unconditional love demands for them to be a part of both parents' lives equally, loving one no more than the other.

The burden has been placed upon her.  She has to comply or else deal with the consequences at some point.  I've cleared myself from any wrong doing.  I've done all I could.  I've exhausted all reasources available to me.  When my son questions what happened, he'll realize what I've done.  And then notice that she was the one who denied me access to him without valid reason.  When that time comes, he may then make choices about his life, and who's in his life.

To live a life of nothing but court battles is not only meaningless, but detrimental to all involved.  And is it really a life anyone wants to live?  More significantly, my son, I care too much about him to not do what I can to alleviate any problems.  If that requires me to back off, then that's what I have to do.

This is not a matter which was easily dealt with.  I pondered many days and nights over this.  And always came to the same conclusion, my son will eventually have me in his life as he desires and wants.  I can't control the world, the court and legal system, nor his mother.  I can only control what I can.  Empowerment!  That's the result here.  I'm not only feeling better about things, but I feel that I've allowed myself to regain control over my life.  When you involve the court system, and opposing party in such legal actions, you relinquish so much of yourself.  Essentially leaving you extremely vulnerable.  And I've done it way too long.  And my son has not benefited from that.

I'm a man of convinctions.  I stand strongly for what I believe is right.  And no one can tell me children don't deserve both parents in their lives, so long as they cause no harm.  But there's more to life than convictions and righteousness.  The focus is my son, and all energy should be dedicated on him, not the court system, not his mother's actions.

Trust me, I go back and forth everyday still.  But everyday things get better, and I see the good coming from all of this eventually.

I love my son dearly.  But I also love myself.  And if I continue to allow this to consume my life, I would be no good to myself, and most importantly, I'd be no good to my son.

I thank you for listening and lending an ear.  I look forward to comminicating with everyone on here, because for me, it's a matter of, "You live and learn."