Topic : Co-Parenting

This may be a long story so get a cup of coffee if you need, but if you are willing to read this, I am willing to take any and all advice into concideration.    

When I first started dating my ex everything was great.  He was everything I wanted and did all of the right things.  He was a bit too pushy to date me at first but he grew on me.  He sent me flowers, he called just to say hi, he was loving, and I loved him.  I was a single mother when I met him and he had two children from a previous relationship that lived with their mother.  He was very involved in his childrens life which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him.  One night while we were out,  

another girl who he had once dated him came up to talk to me.  She told me "I know he is good in bed, but that is all he is good for, he is not a good boyfriend"  Not understanding I asked what she meant by that.  She said that he liked to sleep with his "babies' ma ma".  Of course, on the ride home I asked if this was true.  He told me he had been sleeping with his ex while he was dating this girl.  This girl was also married while they were dating so he said he didn't really respect her and that is why he did this.  Of course, being in love, I believed him.    

During this time, he would go out to see his kids who lived in another state with their mom.  I would get really nervous remembering what this girl had told me but I really didn't think he would do that to me.  Dumb I know.  Not too long after this I found out I was pregnant.  I was not ready for a baby but he assured me that we would be ok.  He was there for me.  In the months following we talked about what we were going to do, how we were going to tell our kids, and his ex.   When he started living with me his ex called.  She let him know that he was no longer going to see his kids as long as he continued to date me.  She told her kids that daddy couldn't stay with them anymore.  One night he recieved a call from his son saying that he wanted his dad to come and stay... and he knew that he couldn't do that anymore.  I was really taken aback by this woman's behavior.  But, it really wasn't my place.  She also like to break into his email and read them.  If I would send him something during the day while he was at work, she would read it.  She got so mad about them that she erased all her and her childrens contact information from his account. During our whole relationship he would tell me about their fights and how he would have to call the police because she was so violent towards him. He told me once that they had to buy a new phone every few months because she would break it so he couldn't call for help. He explained all of her affairs, and how she even went to prom with someone while she was in her 20's while he stayed home and watched the kids. I always asked why he would still go back to her in the past and sleep with her if she did all this to him.  He didn't know but he knew that he just wanted a normal life he said. However, he drank, alot. I knew very well that something was not right but since I couldn't put my finger on it and I was in love and having his baby I just stayed.   Finally, he decided to tell his mother that I was pregnant. (She didn't even know he was dating anyone)  When he did this not more than a minute passed and his cell phone rang.  He didn't answer it saying, it couldn't be my mom already.  But then, my home phone rang.  It was his ex.  She had intercepted the email to his mom.  She again was screaming and crying(I could hear her over the phone) She told him that he wasn't ever seeing his kids again.  He was very upset.  We were, at this time, looking to buy a house.  He wanted us to move to a nicer place.  I told him that he should just take the money for the house and get a lawyer.  He should go fight for visitation rights of his children, then she couldn't hold them over his head everytime he did anything she didn't like.  He started again talking about her beating him and that she was arrested for domestic abuse.  He just kept saying that he wouldn't have to do that.  I asked what he was going to do and he said.  I can figure it out some other way.  In the two weeks following, he drank, alot.  He would go in the bathroom and I would hear him crying, alot.  When he wasn't at work he liked to gamble alot.  One night we went out and he had spent $2000 of the down payment for the house.  I offered to help him pay for it since it was my house too.  He went to visit his children, and when he came back he was even more distraught than before.  I asked if I could go out and meet his children the next time he went.  This had never happened before because obviously their mother was not for it.  He said that would be good.  A few days later it was bedtime.  I asked him for sex.  I asked if he was every horny.  He just laughed and said yeah. But he still turned me down.  I told him soon I would be too big to want it and he rolled over and said ok.  I was really upset by this.  I kept trying to get him to talk to me and he wouldn't.  I asked him if he still wanted to be with me.  He said not if it was going to be this way.  I didn't even know what he meant by that.  I asked why he stayed then.  He said nothing absolutely nothing.  He just went to sleep.  The next day he got up and went to work like every other day.  When he got home that night, I asked if we could talk about what had happened the night before.  He said yes and asked if he could shower first. I agreed.  When he got out he sat down and said, "I'm leaving".  I just looked at him.  He was leaving for good.  I knew why, but he denied it of course.  Needless to say he moved his ex in with him into the house we picked out together and I helped pay for while I sat at home alone pregnant with our baby. I wanted my money back and had to fight all summer through lawyers to get it.  But I didn't want anymore contact with this man. I feel like everything he has ever told me was a lie or else why would he want to go back to a cheating beating life? When he would see me drive by while I was pregnant he would turn his head and act as if he didn't even know me.  As hurt and angry as I was all summer long, I finally contacted him when it got closer to our baby being due.  I wanted to where his head was at and if he was going to have contact with his son.  He agreed to meet with me and a councelor.  During this time we disscused the fact that I was very afraid of his girlfriend being around our child.  He understood.  He also voiced that she did not want him to be in my house.  Even for the councelling, but he still came.  We made many agreements during this time.  One being that he would come here to see his child because I didn't want her to do something to him around my child.  Our child arrived.  A great little boy.  For the first month his father would come to my house to see him everyday.  He would just come over whenever he wanted.  That was my fault because I didn't say it bothered me.  When I did tell him it did he was not happy but he did his best to set up a time.  He would call 5 mins from my house and say he was comming over. During his visits neither of us said anything to the other.  He would be sitting here in my house for hours and not say even a word.  Nothing.  The tension was rediculous.  I couldn't take it anymore.  I didn't want him to be here.  I didn't want his girlfriend around my kid.  I was confused and angry and I didn't know what I should do.  Mind you during all this time, he has not paid any child support.  I decided to just not be here when he came to visit.  I ditched him and then emailed him to tell him how I felt. Bad idea on my part but I wasn't able to do the right thing at the time.  I told him that I didn't want him around anymore and I never really did.  He was not the person I thought he was, he was a liar, and a cheat, and he totally screwed me and my daughter over.  I just didn't think that was a good person to be a father.  I was very adament that I did not want his woman around my child and why.  He emailed back and let me know that he was going to go after custody of our son.  I let him know that I thought that was a good idea. I wasn't scared.  I had done a background check on his ex and him and it wasn't clean.  I was.  He made me feel guilty.  He told me it was my fault that I spent nights alone with ours son, waking at 3 and that it was my fault that I had to shower with my son in a chair next to the tub, because I should have just let him take him home in the first place.  He asked if we could talk, when he got here to talk the first thing he said was... are you gonna let me take him or do we need to go to court.  I told him to do what he wanted because I didn't trust either of them with my child.  He said that I had no reason not to.  I said that I didn't just trust the guy across the street with my child either.  I didn't know this woman except for what he told me, and seeing the stalking while we were dating, and I didn't really know him like I thought I did either.  In the middle of our converstation he just got up and walked out.  I was frantic and  a bit stupid I guess.  I called his house to talk to his girlfriend.  When she didn't answer I told him that if he would just let me meet her and see where my son would be I would let him take his son for the weekend.  In talking to this woman I realized that she is very good at manipulation.  In our 20 talk she admitted to doing all of what he had told me... but then blame shifted it all back on him.  She also let me know how he was going out to see her and begging her to move in with him while we were buying our house.  I don't know but by the time I left I forgot to find out about her because I just felt hurt all over again.  Since this time they have gotten married. He has increasingly wanted to take my son more and more.  I find myself not wanting this to happen at all but I want my son to have a father so I just say nothing.  I don't know anyone in his family.  They don't know me.  He took my son to meet them but they have no clue who the mother of their grandchild even is or what I even look like.  My daughter has really wanted to meet his children and his now wife said that it could only happen if I let her go over there with my ex  alone... that makes no sense to me. My daughter was told " he look I bought you a house" and now they want her to go over there with a man who isn't her dad and doesn't want to be by herself.  There is just something so fishy about all this.  I am still afraid.  I don't know what I should do now and how to stand up and say it.  Please someone advice please.     There are some things I left out but obviously this is long enough. 

thanks-  Jax_alope 

My daughter 17 1/2 decided in August to go live with her dad and stepmom, not far from our home. She has barely spoken to me since. She is angry all the time with me and know I find with her father as well.  

The main reason she left our house was she did not want to do chores or participate in the household as an active member. Just me and her, but still we are a family.  

Now her dad and stepmom have started laying down some rules and she is not happy. She is a good kid, gets good grades, but I feel like some things have happened that he has not shared with me.  

I just want to get back to some kind of mother/daughter relationship. She acts like she can't even stand the sight of me. I am reading Dr. David Walsh's book "Why do they act that way." It talks abou the undeveloped teen brain and hormones and how to work around these real changes going on with kids.  

I need some advice on how to get her to talk to me even for a minute. I am scheduling  counseling with a professional therapist for her to go and have a safe place to express herself. I hope she will go. She has always gone before. Can you help me? 

I posted here earlier this month regarding my son's new stepmother. So you don't have to scroll back, I'll fill you in (and add some more info as well): this woman used to be my and my ex's next-door neighbor. She and I were very friendly, more than acquaintances but not exactly friends. I always felt a little sorry for her, as she was almost 40, very, VERY overweight, lived alone; I never saw her go out with friends or have any over, and she said she hadn't had a boyfriend in about six years. She would always invite me to stop over her house, which I did on occasion, and we talked a lot. She would give me her phone # all the time, wanting to go out, but honestly, I have an extremely large group of friends with whom I spent the majority of my free time, and all with the same personality as myself, which is very extroverted, dramatic and loud (courtesy of our line of work). I just didn't think she would fit in at all, and that it would be a very uncomfortable situation for her, as is usually the case when people outside of our industry spend time with us. As far as she and I hanging out one-on-one, well, I didn't feel we had enough in common. Frankly, she's quite boring. But very nice.   

After the baby was born, I would stop by her house occasionally on our daily walks (by that time she had moved to a different part of the development). Also by that time, my relationship with my son's father was deteriorating rapidly, due mostly to the fact that, according to what he told his best friend, he "wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a parent." No kidding. He started going out all the time, I mean leave in the morning to "do errands," not come home till night time, then five minutes later another friend would call and out he'd go again until the wee hours. He'd come home at 3-4am, dead drunk, knowing I had to leave for work at 7:30 and he was supposed to watch the baby. I'd have to call out of work. He put all of his money in the bank, spending it only on himself, whereas I emptied my savings account AND went into my 401(k) just trying to cover my share of the bills and feed and clothe our child on a reduced income (not only a mandatory six months of maternity leave at 2/3 of my salary, but then when I went back to work I had to cut my hours as I became increasingly fearful for our son's safety with him while I was away on business trips. Friends would tell me he would drink "more than he should when he's supposed to be taking care of the baby." There were several Britney Spears-like incidents when he was watching him.). It was awful. Anyhoo, I told this girl EVERYTHING. I'd be crying every time I saw her. When I finally left him, he was arrested for slamming me into the wall with the baby in my arms...and he's a COP! I told her this, too, and that I'd found out he'd had domestics with other girlfriends. {I'll also add that I knew OF, but she actually knew PERSONALLY his girlfriend who "killed herself" with his own service weapon. Even though the circumstances were shady, and he was a suspect, the case was closed without further investigation...I found that part out after I left.}  So imagine my shock when, about a year after I left him, she lost about 100 pounds and started dating him. They just got married.   

Now, just as I believed everything he told me about his ex-girlfriends (they were "mental cases," according to him) she now believes not what I told her about him all that time, but what he's been telling her about me...very bad things, all of which are untrue, and which were proved in court to be untrue. But then again, she wasn't allowed to sit in on the trial, so all she knows is what HE told her. HEL-LO...we DIDN'T get joint custody, as is the norm. I was awarded full physical custody. Now, doesn't she think there's got to be a very good reason for that? Nooo, she believes HIM when he says it's because we "had a crooked judge." Uh, the trial was held in the jurisdiction in which he works, HE'S the one with the connections! I LOST two of my motions regarding the domestic since we couldn't find one judge who didn't know him who could hear the motions unbiasedly. The whole point is, she now sees me in a different light, so to speak, thinking I am this evil person. I have invited her to lunch twice to talk, she has declined. She is actually very condescending and oftentimes b**chy to me. The childless 40-year-old tries to give me parenting advice, insinuating that I am not taking care of my son properly! Whatever, the whole thing really doesn't bother me...I've just been trying to work on our relationship as she is now my son's stepmother. Hard to do, when she won't even look me in the eye. She starts shaking, sometimes uncontrollably, when she's near me.    

Anyway, I think I may have inadvertently caused some more friction today...about a month BEFORE the wedding (which was three weeks ago), I noticed that she was putting on some weight. Last week she was wearing a fitted sweater and her tummy looked rather full. Today she picked my son up to take him to a family BBQ and she was wearing a flowy top and has seemed to really have put the weight on. So I guess I jumped to conclusions. My son was having a fit, screaming and crying, because he didn't want to go, so I didn't get a chance to tell her that he had a slight fever when he woke up. So I went in and called his father to tell HIM, and I said, "Oh, congratulations," to which he replied, "Thank you." I then asked when the baby was due.  ************Uh, she's NOT PREGNANT. Oh my G*d, I don't know what to do now, they will obviously think I was being snarky, and I honestly thought the girl was with child, she put on so much weight so fast...and I figured that since she's 40 now that they'd try for a child immediately. Any ideas on how to repair this? I'm afraid that I may have irreparably screwed things up just when I felt that the friction was starting to die down....   

I can't describe how much hope I got reading your message.  I really needed to see that a mother could stand their ground and come out winning the respect a mother deserves from the legal system.   

The idea that some woman can come in and denigrade a child's mother and then "win" custody of the children nauseates me.  Why don't the fathers honor the mother of their children in these circumstances?  Especially if they are trying to be active in their children's lives?   

A MOTHER SHOULDN'T HAVE TO FIGHT FOR A PLACE IN THEIR CHILD'S LIFE!   

A step parent should respect their boundaries and know their place in the step family.   

God bless you for your strength and perseverence!  Congratulations on your decision!