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Topic : Co-Parenting
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May 29, 2006, 5:41 pm PDT
 Quote From: spkurmind2 The situation you are describing is so familiar I could swear you are writing about our family, the only difference is that I am the step mom and I am in control. I can tell you this, the only reason why I am in control is because the mother wasn't. I believe that if a mother "lets" a stepmother take over and push her out of the picture then she needs to reevaluate the title of "MOTHER" in which she calls herself. The children are 7 and 3 and I started dating their dad when the little one was 3 and a half months old. I have been in control since the youngest was about 6 months old. The reason why dads let the step moms take over is because they don't have the motherly instinct that a female has. The mother did not have time to do things with the 7yr old, as in your case I went on the Field trips, I threw the birthday parties, I take the kids shopping, and I help make the snacks for the class. The mother did have the children 50/50 as in your case but the school could tell a huge difference in the work quality and behavior when she was with her mother. Reason being : Her mother drilled her about what goes on with me and her dad, Her mother constantly tried to brain wash her into living with her, Her mother also fishes around with the 7 yr old to find out information about our family at our house. We now have full custody of the girls and say when, where and how long they go to their mothers house. I, as a step mother of almost 4 years think that it is essential in a child's life to have a permanent home, all that swapping back and forth does nothing but confuse a child especially when the mother lets the children do what they want, when they want and the father and step mother have rules.
What right do you have to take over another woman's job of raising their children? Not every woman has the self esteem to fight women like you who come in and try to push out the husband's past, and they shouldn't have to.
Your job is to support your husband. Not take over his children and push the mother out of the picture. The father doesn't have rules, you do. Too bad you can't find another way to matter to your husband than to take over the parenting job the he abdicated to you. SHAME ON HIM for allowing you to destroy the mother of his children.
A child identifies with their parents so much so that they are okay if their parents are okay. If you and the father have made those children believe that their mother is inadequate, then on some level they get the message that they are. You shouldn't have thrown the parties or volunteered at school, you should have allowed the dad to do this, and if he couldn't then offered it to their mother. If neither of them could do it, THEN AND ONLY THEN should you step in to do this for the children. UNLESS AND UNTIL you realize that those children need their mother AND their father AND YOU AREN'T EITHER of those, those children suffer on a level you can't understand. Until they turn on you later in life and tell you.
I know, my son is finally getting to the age where he's letting everyone know how much he resents the grown ups in his life and how they've compromised his childhood in the name of making themselves matter somewhere...how sad it that?
Thankfully, he and I are still okay and muddling through battles that shouldn't need to be fought. But I swore to him on the day he was born that I would do my best to help him grow up to be a "whole" adult and I will continue that fight regardless of what hoops my ex-husband and his wife try to throw my way. |
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May 29, 2006, 11:55 pm PDT
I think that divorced parents should welcome the step parents into their childrens lives, if they are a source of love and care for your children. The more people to love a child the better. It is not a competition!! My mother worked full time, my whole life, she and my dad divorced when I was 2. My dad remarried when I was 6, my mom when I was 5. My stepdad treated me as his own, if people didnt know us well they would have thought that I was his biologically. My step mom was a stay at home wife and later mother, she would come and help out at my school and watch my sports games and things when my mom could not cos she was working. My dad also worked so he couldnt be there and it was nice to have someone there to support me. Why is it a competition? I benefitted from the best of both worlds. I now have 2 stepdaughters and a son of my own, when the children are at our house I am the "mom" of the house. I am not their mother, I do not try to be, but I do all the things for them that their mom would do if they were at home and my husband does the dad things. We have rules in our house, a little different from the rules at mommy's but if I say no it is no whether I am the parent or not. I think that mothers can get quite jealous of step mothers and it is not neccessary. WE all just want the best for the kids, we want them to be happy and loved and feel special eventhough they are from a divorced situation. I say work together, teach your children respect and love even for those that are not the natural parent, but also put energy and love into being a respectable influence in their lives. |
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May 30, 2006, 5:40 am PDT
Thanks so much for all your insite to my question. I will keep you posted on my situation. We should be going to court soon. I hope I can fend off the nasty phone calls from my X and the children until then. I will not abandon my children. |
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May 30, 2006, 5:06 pm PDT
Quote From: tannorval I think that divorced parents should welcome the step parents into their childrens lives, if they are a source of love and care for your children. The more people to love a child the better. It is not a competition!! My mother worked full time, my whole life, she and my dad divorced when I was 2. My dad remarried when I was 6, my mom when I was 5. My stepdad treated me as his own, if people didnt know us well they would have thought that I was his biologically. My step mom was a stay at home wife and later mother, she would come and help out at my school and watch my sports games and things when my mom could not cos she was working. My dad also worked so he couldnt be there and it was nice to have someone there to support me. Why is it a competition? I benefitted from the best of both worlds. I now have 2 stepdaughters and a son of my own, when the children are at our house I am the "mom" of the house. I am not their mother, I do not try to be, but I do all the things for them that their mom would do if they were at home and my husband does the dad things. We have rules in our house, a little different from the rules at mommy's but if I say no it is no whether I am the parent or not. I think that mothers can get quite jealous of step mothers and it is not neccessary. WE all just want the best for the kids, we want them to be happy and loved and feel special eventhough they are from a divorced situation. I say work together, teach your children respect and love even for those that are not the natural parent, but also put energy and love into being a respectable influence in their lives. Look at the timings involved in your parents lives and your husband's life and the characters of everyone involved. Most likely the marriage breakups weren't helped on their way by affairs with the step parents. The divorces were uncomplicated by the demands of new domestic arrangements with the step parents and some time elapsed after the divorce before either the children or the ex were introduced to the step parents. Last of all the step parents built up a reasonable relationship with the children before they lived with them and didn't demand any major changes in the prevailing divorce arrangements.
All of the above applied in the case of one of my friend's sisters. My friend came back from the wedding saying how sweet her new brother-in-law's daughters were. She was instantly called Auntie and had to admire the handstands the girls did to show off the new knickers their biological mother had bought them for the wedding. Compare and contrast with the disaster that my husband's best friend is currently living. The official story is he didn't go out with the second wife until after he left the first. Well! If I know wife no 2 appeared on the scene at least 3 months before the official split his ex, who is not stupid, has got to have spotted the inconsistencies in some of the stories he's told. He moved 200 miles away in July, saw the children once if that between then and christmas when he introduced them to his new home complete with the new love and her children. The next September we were told they would be marrying at Christmas and the invitation arrived at the end of October - the day after the decree absolute - along with the request that we continue not to say anything to the ex and the children if we saw them as he wanted to tell them personally. A better father and a nicer new wife would have ensured his children had more notice of the event and prior to him getting together with her I would have thought he would have had the sensitivity not to put my husband and I in what was an awkward position. |
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May 31, 2006, 7:56 am PDT
This is my first post and am not sure about the logistics/place to post my issue. Please feel free to guide me, if you will.
My husb & don't see eye to eye on many issues. This issue has been making me crazy & I am at my wits end in how to handle it. A couple of nights ago, I overheard my husb talking to my 15 year old son. He was saying things that I feel are inappropriate behavior for any adult to discuss with a child, much less, a father to a child. Even though our relationship is hanging by a thread, I was, and still am furious.
Past bedtime, I told my kids that it was time to get ready and go to bed. After the usual balking from my 2 sons, they huffed and and went off to get ready for bed. As a custom, once they are in bed, my husb & I tuck them in, individually. He usually goes first. This is a just a small bit of "quality time", in my eyes, between us. I went in to tuck in my 15 year old and overheard my husb talking, in hushed tones. He was telling my son how he knows how he (my son) feels because "she treats me like that every day of my life....how do you think it makes me feel when she....., and I don't want you to grow up and be like her..." etc. As you would correctly assume, there is a lot going on in my marriage. Not to draw the story out, my husb was saying things to my son that were inappropriate and in my eyes unforgivable. He was saying things to my 15 year old that should have never been said. They are issues between my husb and me. When my husb saw me standing there, he asks, "what's the matter, you didn't hear anything that wasn't true." I hope you get the picture. There is much more going on than I have written which I won't go into now.
When my husb left, my son was livid. He was as upset as I have ever seen him be. He strained his muscles so hard in fury that his legs trembled uncontrolably and the next morning he had red spots on his neck where the blood was forced to the surface from his straining. I stayed with him, staying silent, until he settled down. He did the talking first. He begged me to not say anything to his dad because it would only make matters worse. Hope by now, you've got the picture. I slept on the couch.
Next day, my husb acts like nothing ever happened, so did my son. This makes me crazy too. My husb then procedes to invite my son to go with him to do some stuff. They're gone for most of the day. My husb's actions are so inappropriate that I can only imagine what he said to my son while they were gone.
I don't know what to do now. Everybody's acting like nothing happened. I know I have issues with harboring up anger and not being very forgiving, but no appologies have been made and I can't get over it.
Any comment, advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I desperately need response. Thank you for reading this far, I am counting on your comments to help me. Please respond.
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May 31, 2006, 6:50 pm PDT
Quote From: beebuzzy This is my first post and am not sure about the logistics/place to post my issue. Please feel free to guide me, if you will.
My husb & don't see eye to eye on many issues. This issue has been making me crazy & I am at my wits end in how to handle it. A couple of nights ago, I overheard my husb talking to my 15 year old son. He was saying things that I feel are inappropriate behavior for any adult to discuss with a child, much less, a father to a child. Even though our relationship is hanging by a thread, I was, and still am furious.
Past bedtime, I told my kids that it was time to get ready and go to bed. After the usual balking from my 2 sons, they huffed and and went off to get ready for bed. As a custom, once they are in bed, my husb & I tuck them in, individually. He usually goes first. This is a just a small bit of "quality time", in my eyes, between us. I went in to tuck in my 15 year old and overheard my husb talking, in hushed tones. He was telling my son how he knows how he (my son) feels because "she treats me like that every day of my life....how do you think it makes me feel when she....., and I don't want you to grow up and be like her..." etc. As you would correctly assume, there is a lot going on in my marriage. Not to draw the story out, my husb was saying things to my son that were inappropriate and in my eyes unforgivable. He was saying things to my 15 year old that should have never been said. They are issues between my husb and me. When my husb saw me standing there, he asks, "what's the matter, you didn't hear anything that wasn't true." I hope you get the picture. There is much more going on than I have written which I won't go into now.
When my husb left, my son was livid. He was as upset as I have ever seen him be. He strained his muscles so hard in fury that his legs trembled uncontrolably and the next morning he had red spots on his neck where the blood was forced to the surface from his straining. I stayed with him, staying silent, until he settled down. He did the talking first. He begged me to not say anything to his dad because it would only make matters worse. Hope by now, you've got the picture. I slept on the couch.
Next day, my husb acts like nothing ever happened, so did my son. This makes me crazy too. My husb then procedes to invite my son to go with him to do some stuff. They're gone for most of the day. My husb's actions are so inappropriate that I can only imagine what he said to my son while they were gone.
I don't know what to do now. Everybody's acting like nothing happened. I know I have issues with harboring up anger and not being very forgiving, but no appologies have been made and I can't get over it.
Any comment, advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I desperately need response. Thank you for reading this far, I am counting on your comments to help me. Please respond.
I empathize with your position of watching your son being forced to be involved in adult issues. I can't imagine your son's pain. You need to get out with him as well, alone, and discuss the issue. I would suggest to take him somewhere where his eyes are not needing to focus on you and where his hands are busy... batting cages, shopping, miniature golfing, etc. and work your way into bringing up scenarios or examples of how you would feel if a friend of yours completely tore a family member or friend to shreds as if they were beneath them. If he were anything like my 15 yr old son, he would respond with either relating with you or providing a different perspective to begin dialogue. If this begins, you then would be able to either provide him with a perspective to mull over or validate (which is more likely) his feelings of being put in the middle. I would also look at physically separating from your husband and either have him move out or bring the kids with you. Check out the women's crisis center to learn about verbal and emotional as well as possible physical abuse as you may have a case to file a restraining order if he refuses to be the one to leave. You'll gain more respect from your sons to stand your ground in your rights to receive respect from everyone, including your husband. It also would not hurt to bring yourself and the kids into counseling, and possibly include your husband if your looking at salvaging your marriage. You also need to make sure that you get time to yourself and just breath and reflect. With this, you'll be able to gain more perspective and strength. Talk like you've never talked before so your kids see that communication will see your family through. They are listening to your every word. Don't be afraid to show your emotions as they will very likely feel the same way but just not want to show you their fears. You're kids will follow your lead. My prayers are with you and your sons. |
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May 31, 2006, 6:53 pm PDT
Quote From: beebuzzy This is my first post and am not sure about the logistics/place to post my issue. Please feel free to guide me, if you will.
My husb & don't see eye to eye on many issues. This issue has been making me crazy & I am at my wits end in how to handle it. A couple of nights ago, I overheard my husb talking to my 15 year old son. He was saying things that I feel are inappropriate behavior for any adult to discuss with a child, much less, a father to a child. Even though our relationship is hanging by a thread, I was, and still am furious.
Past bedtime, I told my kids that it was time to get ready and go to bed. After the usual balking from my 2 sons, they huffed and and went off to get ready for bed. As a custom, once they are in bed, my husb & I tuck them in, individually. He usually goes first. This is a just a small bit of "quality time", in my eyes, between us. I went in to tuck in my 15 year old and overheard my husb talking, in hushed tones. He was telling my son how he knows how he (my son) feels because "she treats me like that every day of my life....how do you think it makes me feel when she....., and I don't want you to grow up and be like her..." etc. As you would correctly assume, there is a lot going on in my marriage. Not to draw the story out, my husb was saying things to my son that were inappropriate and in my eyes unforgivable. He was saying things to my 15 year old that should have never been said. They are issues between my husb and me. When my husb saw me standing there, he asks, "what's the matter, you didn't hear anything that wasn't true." I hope you get the picture. There is much more going on than I have written which I won't go into now.
When my husb left, my son was livid. He was as upset as I have ever seen him be. He strained his muscles so hard in fury that his legs trembled uncontrolably and the next morning he had red spots on his neck where the blood was forced to the surface from his straining. I stayed with him, staying silent, until he settled down. He did the talking first. He begged me to not say anything to his dad because it would only make matters worse. Hope by now, you've got the picture. I slept on the couch.
Next day, my husb acts like nothing ever happened, so did my son. This makes me crazy too. My husb then procedes to invite my son to go with him to do some stuff. They're gone for most of the day. My husb's actions are so inappropriate that I can only imagine what he said to my son while they were gone.
I don't know what to do now. Everybody's acting like nothing happened. I know I have issues with harboring up anger and not being very forgiving, but no appologies have been made and I can't get over it.
Any comment, advice, suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I desperately need response. Thank you for reading this far, I am counting on your comments to help me. Please respond.
**Huggles you tightly** Just breath and the answer will come. Don't be afraid to take action. |
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June 1, 2006, 6:36 am PDT
Quote From: jax_alope This may be a long story so get a cup of coffee if you need, but if you are willing to read this, I am willing to take any and all advice into concideration. When I first started dating my ex everything was great. He was everything I wanted and did all of the right things. He was a bit too pushy to date me at first but he grew on me. He sent me flowers, he called just to say hi, he was loving, and I loved him. I was a single mother when I met him and he had two children from a previous relationship that lived with their mother. He was very involved in his childrens life which is one of the reasons I fell in love with him. One night while we were out, another girl who he had once dated him came up to talk to me. She told me "I know he is good in bed, but that is all he is good for, he is not a good boyfriend" Not understanding I asked what she meant by that. She said that he liked to sleep with his "babies' ma ma". Of course, on the ride home I asked if this was true. He told me he had been sleeping with his ex while he was dating this girl. This girl was also married while they were dating so he said he didn't really respect her and that is why he did this. Of course, being in love, I believed him. During this time, he would go out to see his kids who lived in another state with their mom. I would get really nervous remembering what this girl had told me but I really didn't think he would do that to me. Dumb I know. Not too long after this I found out I was pregnant. I was not ready for a baby but he assured me that we would be ok. He was there for me. In the months following we talked about what we were going to do, how we were going to tell our kids, and his ex. When he started living with me his ex called. She let him know that he was no longer going to see his kids as long as he continued to date me. She told her kids that daddy couldn't stay with them anymore. One night he recieved a call from his son saying that he wanted his dad to come and stay... and he knew that he couldn't do that anymore. I was really taken aback by this woman's behavior. But, it really wasn't my place. She also like to break into his email and read them. If I would send him something during the day while he was at work, she would read it. She got so mad about them that she erased all her and her childrens contact information from his account. During our whole relationship he would tell me about their fights and how he would have to call the police because she was so violent towards him. He told me once that they had to buy a new phone every few months because she would break it so he couldn't call for help. He explained all of her affairs, and how she even went to prom with someone while she was in her 20's while he stayed home and watched the kids. I always asked why he would still go back to her in the past and sleep with her if she did all this to him. He didn't know but he knew that he just wanted a normal life he said. However, he drank, alot. I knew very well that something was not right but since I couldn't put my finger on it and I was in love and having his baby I just stayed. Finally, he decided to tell his mother that I was pregnant. (She didn't even know he was dating anyone) When he did this not more than a minute passed and his cell phone rang. He didn't answer it saying, it couldn't be my mom already. But then, my home phone rang. It was his ex. She had intercepted the email to his mom. She again was screaming and crying(I could hear her over the phone) She told him that he wasn't ever seeing his kids again. He was very upset. We were, at this time, looking to buy a house. He wanted us to move to a nicer place. I told him that he should just take the money for the house and get a lawyer. He should go fight for visitation rights of his children, then she couldn't hold them over his head everytime he did anything she didn't like. He started again talking about her beating him and that she was arrested for domestic abuse. He just kept saying that he wouldn't have to do that. I asked what he was going to do and he said. I can figure it out some other way. In the two weeks following, he drank, alot. He would go in the bathroom and I would hear him crying, alot. When he wasn't at work he liked to gamble alot. One night we went out and he had spent $2000 of the down payment for the house. I offered to help him pay for it since it was my house too. He went to visit his children, and when he came back he was even more distraught than before. I asked if I could go out and meet his children the next time he went. This had never happened before because obviously their mother was not for it. He said that would be good. A few days later it was bedtime. I asked him for sex. I asked if he was every horny. He just laughed and said yeah. But he still turned me down. I told him soon I would be too big to want it and he rolled over and said ok. I was really upset by this. I kept trying to get him to talk to me and he wouldn't. I asked him if he still wanted to be with me. He said not if it was going to be this way. I didn't even know what he meant by that. I asked why he stayed then. He said nothing absolutely nothing. He just went to sleep. The next day he got up and went to work like every other day. When he got home that night, I asked if we could talk about what had happened the night before. He said yes and asked if he could shower first. I agreed. When he got out he sat down and said, "I'm leaving". I just looked at him. He was leaving for good. I knew why, but he denied it of course. Needless to say he moved his ex in with him into the house we picked out together and I helped pay for while I sat at home alone pregnant with our baby. I wanted my money back and had to fight all summer through lawyers to get it. But I didn't want anymore contact with this man. I feel like everything he has ever told me was a lie or else why would he want to go back to a cheating beating life? When he would see me drive by while I was pregnant he would turn his head and act as if he didn't even know me. As hurt and angry as I was all summer long, I finally contacted him when it got closer to our baby being due. I wanted to where his head was at and if he was going to have contact with his son. He agreed to meet with me and a councelor. During this time we disscused the fact that I was very afraid of his girlfriend being around our child. He understood. He also voiced that she did not want him to be in my house. Even for the councelling, but he still came. We made many agreements during this time. One being that he would come here to see his child because I didn't want her to do something to him around my child. Our child arrived. A great little boy. For the first month his father would come to my house to see him everyday. He would just come over whenever he wanted. That was my fault because I didn't say it bothered me. When I did tell him it did he was not happy but he did his best to set up a time. He would call 5 mins from my house and say he was comming over. During his visits neither of us said anything to the other. He would be sitting here in my house for hours and not say even a word. Nothing. The tension was rediculous. I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want him to be here. I didn't want his girlfriend around my kid. I was confused and angry and I didn't know what I should do. Mind you during all this time, he has not paid any child support. I decided to just not be here when he came to visit. I ditched him and then emailed him to tell him how I felt. Bad idea on my part but I wasn't able to do the right thing at the time. I told him that I didn't want him around anymore and I never really did. He was not the person I thought he was, he was a liar, and a cheat, and he totally screwed me and my daughter over. I just didn't think that was a good person to be a father. I was very adament that I did not want his woman around my child and why. He emailed back and let me know that he was going to go after custody of our son. I let him know that I thought that was a good idea. I wasn't scared. I had done a background check on his ex and him and it wasn't clean. I was. He made me feel guilty. He told me it was my fault that I spent nights alone with ours son, waking at 3 and that it was my fault that I had to shower with my son in a chair next to the tub, because I should have just let him take him home in the first place. He asked if we could talk, when he got here to talk the first thing he said was... are you gonna let me take him or do we need to go to court. I told him to do what he wanted because I didn't trust either of them with my child. He said that I had no reason not to. I said that I didn't just trust the guy across the street with my child either. I didn't know this woman except for what he told me, and seeing the stalking while we were dating, and I didn't really know him like I thought I did either. In the middle of our converstation he just got up and walked out. I was frantic and a bit stupid I guess. I called his house to talk to his girlfriend. When she didn't answer I told him that if he would just let me meet her and see where my son would be I would let him take his son for the weekend. In talking to this woman I realized that she is very good at manipulation. In our 20 talk she admitted to doing all of what he had told me... but then blame shifted it all back on him. She also let me know how he was going out to see her and begging her to move in with him while we were buying our house. I don't know but by the time I left I forgot to find out about her because I just felt hurt all over again. Since this time they have gotten married. He has increasingly wanted to take my son more and more. I find myself not wanting this to happen at all but I want my son to have a father so I just say nothing. I don't know anyone in his family. They don't know me. He took my son to meet them but they have no clue who the mother of their grandchild even is or what I even look like. My daughter has really wanted to meet his children and his now wife said that it could only happen if I let her go over there with my ex alone... that makes no sense to me. My daughter was told " he look I bought you a house" and now they want her to go over there with a man who isn't her dad and doesn't want to be by herself. There is just something so fishy about all this. I am still afraid. I don't know what I should do now and how to stand up and say it. Please someone advice please. There are some things I left out but obviously this is long enough.
thanks- Jax_alope Hmmm. Well, I do think you already know what you need to do. What would I do if I was you? I would either hire a lawyer to set up child support, get back child support, and set up visitation for the father's of your children, both of them, if that's possible. You need to set boundries for yourself and your children and stick to them. Stop letting other people tell you what to do. Stop overextending yourself to him or anyone else who just takes advantage of you! This man has obviously used you. He wasn't counting on you becoming pregnant. All the signs were there but like you said, you were in love and didn't want to see it. Hence the phrase, "love is blind." Legal aid is avalible most everywhere, even on the internet. Think and write down a list of what you want and what you would be willing to live with. Get legal help and go from there. Set your past feelings aside and treat this situation as a unemotional decission. The rejection can be hard to deal with but if you remember it's really just rejection you are feeling, you can rationalize it in your mind a lot better. He rejected you and SO WHAT! Yuck! You didn't want trash like him anyway! You were in love with the idea of who he faked being. You are sad at the lose of your idea of what you two would have and become. You do want someone who will respect you and see all the wonderful gifts you have to offer. He doesn't love you. He's a jerk and you deserve much better. This is coming from a woman who is standing on the other side of her own life explosion and even though I did get some burns, I am doing much better now than I was when I was with my X. I am with someone now who returns love to me and I can't believe how my own denile stole years of my life and happiness.
Good luck! |
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June 1, 2006, 7:16 am PDT
I have two boys ages 8 and 11. Their Dad and I have been divorced 5 years now and they see him every other weekend and 2 weeks over the summer. The problem being that their Dad can be down right cruel to them. My 8yr old has a bed wetting problem and his Dad gets mad at him every time he wets the bed. Well obviously he can't help wetting the bed and it upsets him without getting grounded from it. A couple weeks ago the was a carnival in the area where my ex lives, so he took both my boys to that but the youngest was not allowed to play any games or ride any rides. To me this just seems cruel! They are great kids, they are well behaved and do well in school. My oldest is over weight and his Dad will tell him that he is fat and that he needs to lose weight but then at the next meal if he says that he isn't hungry or doesn't clean his plate he gets in trouble. This makes me want to scream! My sons weight problem started when we divorced because his Dad always makes him clean his plate and now he over eats all the time. The hardest thins for me is the fact that if I go to their Dad and tell him that the boys are upset or have a problem with anything that goes on at his house he gets angry with the boys. So I feel like it's a catch 22. I've said things to him before and them my boys get either grounded or yelled at for talking to me about what goes on at at his house. This hurts me very much but I don't know how to change it. |
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June 1, 2006, 9:57 am PDT
Quote From: pchefchick I have two boys ages 8 and 11. Their Dad and I have been divorced 5 years now and they see him every other weekend and 2 weeks over the summer. The problem being that their Dad can be down right cruel to them. My 8yr old has a bed wetting problem and his Dad gets mad at him every time he wets the bed. Well obviously he can't help wetting the bed and it upsets him without getting grounded from it. A couple weeks ago the was a carnival in the area where my ex lives, so he took both my boys to that but the youngest was not allowed to play any games or ride any rides. To me this just seems cruel! They are great kids, they are well behaved and do well in school. My oldest is over weight and his Dad will tell him that he is fat and that he needs to lose weight but then at the next meal if he says that he isn't hungry or doesn't clean his plate he gets in trouble. This makes me want to scream! My sons weight problem started when we divorced because his Dad always makes him clean his plate and now he over eats all the time. The hardest thins for me is the fact that if I go to their Dad and tell him that the boys are upset or have a problem with anything that goes on at his house he gets angry with the boys. So I feel like it's a catch 22. I've said things to him before and them my boys get either grounded or yelled at for talking to me about what goes on at at his house. This hurts me very much but I don't know how to change it. I know this does change how the father treats your sons but have you tried the "Goodnights?" They are fspecifically for kids who wet the bed and come in larger sizes and look like pullups. Your son can discreetly pack them in his bag and throw them in the garbage can the next morning. This would not only remove the embarrassment of betwetting, but also leave nothing for his father to punish as long as he cleans up after himself. As for the food issue, I'm not sure if there's anything you can do if his father takes your issues with him out on the kids while they are at his house. However, 2 days out of 14 days is not all that much where you can ensure that his meals are healthy and well proportioned in your home and you can advise him to exercise more to balance out what he's overeating at his fathers. I wouldn't make food as much of the issue when he's at dads, but encourage him to be physically active more in both homes. This hopefully helps with the pressures that are placed on both of them. |
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