Topic : Co-Parenting

If I remember correctly 2 boys in 30 still wet the bed at 10 and 1 in 30 at 15.  Their regulatory system is just slower to develop than most.     

Avoid blackcurrant, orange and fizzy drinks.  Make sure he drinks during the day,   At bedtime make sure he visits the toilet, let him read or you read to him for half an hour, and then get him to visit the toilet again.  Don't wake him in the middle of the night to prevent a wet bed - you are actuallly teaching him to wet himself because he is too sleepy to properly know what he is doing.   

If I were you I'd visit the doctor and see what help is available.  Here in Britain my son was referred to a community nurse and after the above didn't work we tried bed alarms, which he slept through, and then a drug, whose name escapes me.  The drug helped us to get through school overnight trips and sleepovers until my son was about 12 when he no longer needed it.   

I understand.  I go through the same thing.    

He can't not work forever. He will have to get another job at some point.   

Send your son on his visitation with nothing.  Just the clean clothes on his back. Take his picture and make sure you date it. If he comes back dirty, and in the same clothes take another picture and date it.  No toys, nothing.  Weigh him when he goes and when he comes home.  Journal everything!  When he starts paying you child support pack only a small bag with a single change of clothes.  This will teach your X to provide for his son. Your X's vanity will do all the work for you.   

Check over your son with a fine tooth comb when he comes home to you.  If they are abusing him, you will know.  If you see anything, take him to the ER and have them check him out. Take pictures of any scratches or brusing. Date them. Watch for behavioral changes in him. Read up on the signs of abuse.  Journal everything! Get him into some kind of counseling as soon as he is able, so you are not the only one who sees these changes.  Show the counselor all the pictures. The pictures will provide the court with proof that he is not fit to have visitation with his son.   

 It's a waiting game. If a counselor knows abuse is going on, it's their job to report it to the athorities.  It is law.  

Your X may surprise you.  She may be abusive to him, but if she starts in on his child, he just may let her have it.   

What you are learning now is what I have learned.  Patience.   

It's a sad thing, in our court system, that abuse can happen and people are still given rights.  It's sad that we have to wait for bad things to happen to have proof that the possibility is there.  It really makes me sick.  It makes us feel like we are sending our children to the wolves.  

One more thing.  Tell your X you are watching him. Let him know very calmly and in a very direct mannor.  Look him straight in the eye and don't flinch.  Tell him if you see as much as a scratch on your boy, he will learn what it is like to deal with a mother bear.  Tell him to tell his wife too.  He may balk but don't engage in a fight.  Don't explain why you are telling him this.  Tell him you mean what you say and there are no excuses.  Stay calm and cold about it.  Do it when you are handing him over and then just walk away.    

Keep your daughter away from the both of them.  They do not have legal right to her and you do not give in to this by any means.  When your son is gone make the time you have with her alone your time to do girl things together.  Paint toes, do hair, go to the park, bake cookies and watch her favorite movie, whatever.  Make her realize this time with your son away is her time for you alone.  She will lose interest in going.    

The next thing is the hardest and why we are put into these places in our lives.  Give God a chance to protect your son.  Let go of control and give it over to Him.  You will be surprized at what He will do. :)  Your son is a child of God first.  If you pray for God to protect him while he is with his father, He will protect him.    

You need to learn to use the system against him.  Do only what you are ordered by the court to do and nothing more.  Do not give in to any outside requests. Do not enable or feel pity for your X.  He made his bed.    

He will call you names, and be rude.  Ignore it.  Write it down.  JOURNAL EVERYTHING!    

Good luck to you.  I will pray for you to be strong.    

Keep me posted.  

  Hi I am a mother of 3 wonderful daughters. One is from my ex husband, child with him is 7 years old. brief back ground, he would beat, rape and yell, throw anything he could pick up. but the line is where i seen him masturbating with my oldest daughter in the same room. Now we have been divorced for four year i have not been with him for almost 7 years. I had a restraining order on him for three years. but as time goes on he pushes right to the line.   

At 18 MO. my daughter had problems in her private area the doctor thinks there was something going on but not enough proof it was bad and still is she is 7 now. I am told all the time unless she says something there is really nothing i can do. she shows all the signs that is happening but she will not talk. now he has been remarried and she thinks that she is the mom and they want her to move in with them.  she has a step sister which i fear for. but now she has come home and tells me that she gives her step sister shots of insulin and checks her blood sugar with the same needle that they all use. child service don't think there is any thing wrong with this it is like i live in the twilight zone. i think he touches her . i think he is putting  her in danger with these needles and i think she can hurt the little sister. what can i do i feel like i yell at the top of my lungs to child services and nothing but i do know that if he is touching her and something happens like HIV or hep-c i will sue the crap out of this state protect our kids well the suck at it i need help.  

  Unfortunately, the old addage "A few bad apples spoil the whole barrel" applies here.  CPS is recluctant to charge a parent when the child will say nothing, and there is no proof.  It would be easier to prove if your husband were beating your daughter-- but as long as she says nothing about it-- your hands are tied.  I turned my ex into CPS after he assaulted our son (age 6 at the time)  in his car.  My child came to me in fear of his father-- and since I did not know better, I waited a week before I reported my son's father.  Now I know better.  It could be that your ex is not -- yes-- NOT harming your daughter, but is leading up to it.  Since your daughter is only 7, I would suggest you get her into a child councelor to help her deal with her inability to talk about it..  That therapy will also help you to deal with your daughter later on when the effects begin, and try to find one that is willing to go to court later on when your ex husband does infact do cruelty to your child. Your daughter at such a young age, may not realize she is in any danger-- for now.   

 A.  Never bring a child into their parents difficulty's.   Tell you ex to stop-- and if he doesn't., get your ducks in a row (Job, money, housing) and bail on him.  Give yourself a time line.  You husband does not understand the damage he's doing, or cares that he is.   

At your son's age... they wont like being moved away from their dad... but they will appreciate the PEACE that comes from being away.   

 B.  DO NOT TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT What your husband is doing... that's just more of the same... and they will feel put in the middle.   

C.  You did not explain what your husband was talking to your son about.... was your behavior bad ? Are you the one who needs apologize first ?  (Yeah it's possible women make mistakes)  No, I dont  know what you mean.  I dont understand the part about your son "straining" .  I've never seen that from being angry.   

D.  if you know you have "Issues harboring anger and not being very forgiving"   Then I suggest you take steps to STOP that behavior your husband is talking to your son's about.  You can't control what he does, but you can control yourself.  Be angry, but vent in other ways that do not affect your family.... Personally, I journal-- and I pity the fool who ever reads those books I write in.   

I suggest 2 books.   One is called Light his fire" by Ellen Kriedman-- not to light your husband's fire, but to learn "Creative manipulation"  Like instead of fighting, just do what you plan to do... and dont expect an apology-- they obvioulsy dont think they owe you one.  Sounds like alot of keeping score to me.   

The second book is  by Laura Schlesinger... "The care and feeding of husbands" .  Im not saying he's right, Im saying there is help available to you-- for you-- and these books will help you to understand how your husband thinks-- as a male of the species-- and how to Counter act what he's doing to your son's.  The key to victory is not getting an ulcer, but rather let your husband see how educated mother bears can become.  We are exquisitly dangerous then...