Topic : Co-Parenting

I posted here earlier this month regarding my son's new stepmother. So you don't have to scroll back, I'll fill you in (and add some more info as well): this woman used to be my and my ex's next-door neighbor. She and I were very friendly, more than acquaintances but not exactly friends. I always felt a little sorry for her, as she was almost 40, very, VERY overweight, lived alone; I never saw her go out with friends or have any over, and she said she hadn't had a boyfriend in about six years. She would always invite me to stop over her house, which I did on occasion, and we talked a lot. She would give me her phone # all the time, wanting to go out, but honestly, I have an extremely large group of friends with whom I spent the majority of my free time, and all with the same personality as myself, which is very extroverted, dramatic and loud (courtesy of our line of work). I just didn't think she would fit in at all, and that it would be a very uncomfortable situation for her, as is usually the case when people outside of our industry spend time with us. As far as she and I hanging out one-on-one, well, I didn't feel we had enough in common. Frankly, she's quite boring. But very nice.   

After the baby was born, I would stop by her house occasionally on our daily walks (by that time she had moved to a different part of the development). Also by that time, my relationship with my son's father was deteriorating rapidly, due mostly to the fact that, according to what he told his best friend, he "wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a parent." No kidding. He started going out all the time, I mean leave in the morning to "do errands," not come home till night time, then five minutes later another friend would call and out he'd go again until the wee hours. He'd come home at 3-4am, dead drunk, knowing I had to leave for work at 7:30 and he was supposed to watch the baby. I'd have to call out of work. He put all of his money in the bank, spending it only on himself, whereas I emptied my savings account AND went into my 401(k) just trying to cover my share of the bills and feed and clothe our child on a reduced income (not only a mandatory six months of maternity leave at 2/3 of my salary, but then when I went back to work I had to cut my hours as I became increasingly fearful for our son's safety with him while I was away on business trips. Friends would tell me he would drink "more than he should when he's supposed to be taking care of the baby." There were several Britney Spears-like incidents when he was watching him.). It was awful. Anyhoo, I told this girl EVERYTHING. I'd be crying every time I saw her. When I finally left him, he was arrested for slamming me into the wall with the baby in my arms...and he's a COP! I told her this, too, and that I'd found out he'd had domestics with other girlfriends. I'll also add that I knew OF, but she actually knew PERSONALLY his girlfriend who "killed herself" with his own service weapon. Even though the circumstances were shady, and he was a suspect, the case was closed without further investigation...I found that part out after I left.  So imagine my shock when, about a year after I left him, she lost about 100 pounds and started dating him. They just got married.   

Now, just as I believed everything he told me about his ex-girlfriends (they were "mental cases," according to him) she now believes not what I told her about him all that time, but what he's been telling her about me...very bad things, all of which are untrue, and which were proved in court to be untrue. But then again, she wasn't allowed to sit in on the trial, so all she knows is what HE told her. HEL-LO...we DIDN'T get joint custody, as is the norm. I was awarded full physical custody. Now, doesn't she think there's got to be a very good reason for that? Nooo, she believes HIM when he says it's because we "had a crooked judge." Uh, the trial was held in the jurisdiction in which he works, HE'S the one with the connections! I LOST two of my motions regarding the domestic since we couldn't find one judge who didn't know him who could hear the motions unbiasedly. The whole point is, she now sees me in a different light, so to speak, thinking I am this evil person. I have invited her to lunch twice to talk, she has declined. She is actually very condescending and oftentimes b**chy to me. The childless 40-year-old tries to give me parenting advice, insinuating that I am not taking care of my son properly! Whatever, the whole thing really doesn't bother me...I've just been trying to work on our relationship as she is now my son's stepmother. Hard to do, when she won't even look me in the eye. She starts shaking, sometimes uncontrollably, when she's near me.    

Anyway, I think I may have inadvertently caused some more friction today...about a month BEFORE the wedding (which was three weeks ago), I noticed that she was putting on some weight. Last week she was wearing a fitted sweater and her tummy looked rather full. Today she picked my son up to take him to a family BBQ and she was wearing a flowy top and has seemed to really have put the weight on. So I guess I jumped to conclusions. My son was having a fit, screaming and crying, because he didn't want to go, so I didn't get a chance to tell her that he had a slight fever when he woke up. So I went in and called his father to tell HIM, and I said, "Oh, congratulations," to which he replied, "Thank you." I then asked when the baby was due.  ************Uh, she's NOT PREGNANT. Oh my G*d, I don't know what to do now, they will obviously think I was being snarky, and I honestly thought the girl was with child, she put on so much weight so fast...and I figured that since she's 40 now that they'd try for a child immediately. Any ideas on how to repair this? I'm afraid that I may have irreparably screwed things up just when I felt that the friction was starting to die down....   

I am the mother of three children, 17,15 & 12. While the youngest lives with me, the older two live with thier father. he allows them to smoke pot in the house (whether he is home or not). I'm afraid my youngest will want to join them and thier friends. Calling child protective services seems to be my only option, but I'm not sure that will help our relationship. When I told my ex I planned on drug testing my youngest when she came home, he told her to drink lots of water to flush her system out. Any suggestions 

I understand.  I go through the same thing.    

He can't not work forever. He will have to get another job at some point.   

Send your son on his visitation with nothing.  Just the clean clothes on his back. Take his picture and make sure you date it. If he comes back dirty, and in the same clothes take another picture and date it.  No toys, nothing.  Weigh him when he goes and when he comes home.  Journal everything!  When he starts paying you child support pack only a small bag with a single change of clothes.  This will teach your X to provide for his son. Your X's vanity will do all the work for you.   

Check over your son with a fine tooth comb when he comes home to you.  If they are abusing him, you will know.  If you see anything, take him to the ER and have them check him out. Take pictures of any scratches or brusing. Date them. Watch for behavioral changes in him. Read up on the signs of abuse.  Journal everything! Get him into some kind of counseling as soon as he is able, so you are not the only one who sees these changes.  Show the counselor all the pictures. The pictures will provide the court with proof that he is not fit to have visitation with his son.   

 It's a waiting game. If a counselor knows abuse is going on, it's their job to report it to the athorities.  It is law.  

Your X may surprise you.  She may be abusive to him, but if she starts in on his child, he just may let her have it.   

What you are learning now is what I have learned.  Patience.   

It's a sad thing, in our court system, that abuse can happen and people are still given rights.  It's sad that we have to wait for bad things to happen to have proof that the possibility is there.  It really makes me sick.  It makes us feel like we are sending our children to the wolves.  

One more thing.  Tell your X you are watching him. Let him know very calmly and in a very direct mannor.  Look him straight in the eye and don't flinch.  Tell him if you see as much as a scratch on your boy, he will learn what it is like to deal with a mother bear.  Tell him to tell his wife too.  He may balk but don't engage in a fight.  Don't explain why you are telling him this.  Tell him you mean what you say and there are no excuses.  Stay calm and cold about it.  Do it when you are handing him over and then just walk away.    

Keep your daughter away from the both of them.  They do not have legal right to her and you do not give in to this by any means.  When your son is gone make the time you have with her alone your time to do girl things together.  Paint toes, do hair, go to the park, bake cookies and watch her favorite movie, whatever.  Make her realize this time with your son away is her time for you alone.  She will lose interest in going.    

The next thing is the hardest and why we are put into these places in our lives.  Give God a chance to protect your son.  Let go of control and give it over to Him.  You will be surprized at what He will do. :)  Your son is a child of God first.  If you pray for God to protect him while he is with his father, He will protect him.    

You need to learn to use the system against him.  Do only what you are ordered by the court to do and nothing more.  Do not give in to any outside requests. Do not enable or feel pity for your X.  He made his bed.    

He will call you names, and be rude.  Ignore it.  Write it down.  JOURNAL EVERYTHING!    

Good luck to you.  I will pray for you to be strong.    

Keep me posted.  

  Unfortunately, the old addage "A few bad apples spoil the whole barrel" applies here.  CPS is recluctant to charge a parent when the child will say nothing, and there is no proof.  It would be easier to prove if your husband were beating your daughter-- but as long as she says nothing about it-- your hands are tied.  I turned my ex into CPS after he assaulted our son (age 6 at the time)  in his car.  My child came to me in fear of his father-- and since I did not know better, I waited a week before I reported my son's father.  Now I know better.  It could be that your ex is not -- yes-- NOT harming your daughter, but is leading up to it.  Since your daughter is only 7, I would suggest you get her into a child councelor to help her deal with her inability to talk about it..  That therapy will also help you to deal with your daughter later on when the effects begin, and try to find one that is willing to go to court later on when your ex husband does infact do cruelty to your child. Your daughter at such a young age, may not realize she is in any danger-- for now.   

On Mothers day weekend, my ex-husband came up to me and asked me if the girls could live with him.  Why? I asked.  He said that he is missing out with the girls and wants to spend the time with them.  He said that he was moving next year and wanted to spend time with him.  My answer to him was NO.  I have been able since our divorce, maintane a stable enviorment, work full time, have adequent child care after school, be home everynight for dinner, help with homework and bedtimes.  I am there for all the tears and laughter.  I am there when my oldest has to go to Shriners hospital for her apointments.  He has always been in formed of everyting that goes on in the girls lives.  Yes, he lives in the same area.  He has had all the oportunity to go with our daughter to her apointments.  My girls are doing great in school. My oldest has a 3.o average.  My youngest made 100% on all of her state required testest.  Now, there father has never been home, even when we were married. Has never been involved with the girls in school, after school, homework. Has never come to see the girls on his one night aweek visit.  Is barely home when the girls go over for his weekend.  His wife sees the girls more than he does.  (Her and I do not get along either)  Last year, I got remarried to a wonderful guy who is more involved with the girls.  The girls love their father.  But, they don't want to live with him either.  When their step mom gets mad, everyone suffers and they do not like it.  So, let me ask, what kind of mom would I be if I let my girls move in with him? He lives in a different school zone.  I told him NO.  The odds of him taking the girls with him are that much greater. I was not born yesturday.  I am a good mom. Ladies, if your ex is trying to bully you, stick to your guns if you have primary custoldial residentacy, no one can take that away from you.  What my ex is doing is wrong, he can not see that right now.  This battle is not over for me, I am sticking to my guns and contuning to give my girls love and support.  

 A.  Never bring a child into their parents difficulty's.   Tell you ex to stop-- and if he doesn't., get your ducks in a row (Job, money, housing) and bail on him.  Give yourself a time line.  You husband does not understand the damage he's doing, or cares that he is.   

At your son's age... they wont like being moved away from their dad... but they will appreciate the PEACE that comes from being away.   

 B.  DO NOT TALK TO YOUR KIDS ABOUT What your husband is doing... that's just more of the same... and they will feel put in the middle.   

C.  You did not explain what your husband was talking to your son about.... was your behavior bad ? Are you the one who needs apologize first ?  (Yeah it's possible women make mistakes)  No, I dont  know what you mean.  I dont understand the part about your son "straining" .  I've never seen that from being angry.   

D.  if you know you have "Issues harboring anger and not being very forgiving"   Then I suggest you take steps to STOP that behavior your husband is talking to your son's about.  You can't control what he does, but you can control yourself.  Be angry, but vent in other ways that do not affect your family.... Personally, I journal-- and I pity the fool who ever reads those books I write in.   

I suggest 2 books.   One is called Light his fire" by Ellen Kriedman-- not to light your husband's fire, but to learn "Creative manipulation"  Like instead of fighting, just do what you plan to do... and dont expect an apology-- they obvioulsy dont think they owe you one.  Sounds like alot of keeping score to me.   

The second book is  by Laura Schlesinger... "The care and feeding of husbands" .  Im not saying he's right, Im saying there is help available to you-- for you-- and these books will help you to understand how your husband thinks-- as a male of the species-- and how to Counter act what he's doing to your son's.  The key to victory is not getting an ulcer, but rather let your husband see how educated mother bears can become.  We are exquisitly dangerous then...