Topic : Co-Parenting

I don't know what to do....my ex husband wants to be in my son's life now but I don't know what to tell him. He makes me feel so horrible and I don't want my son to grow up to be like him. He's treated me so badly and I don't want him to treat my son that way as well. He saw my son for the first time when he was 16 months old (he's 26 months old now). I found a profile online on a gay website a few months back with him saying that he's a "closet monster who likes little boys" I don't know what he meant by that but I can't take that risk. I tried talking to him about it and he just went irrate like he usually does. He said it wasn't him that it was his ex gf when we got mad at him. I just don't understand that. I don't care if he's gay/bi but I don't know what he meant by the "little boy" thing. He treated my son well when he was around him but I just don't know. He paid for one of the profiles, there was two, and had a pic posted on the one he paid for off and on. The other profile, the one that talks about little boys doesn't have any billing history that I could find. 

My question is...I have tried so hard in the past to try to "co parent" with him and I really don't know what to do after I found that information. I have such anger towards him from everything he has put me though (left me when i was pregnant, said he was going to kill me, cheated, name calling) I don't know what else to do. I have tried sitting down and talking with him and we just end up fighting. I don't think he gets me or why I am so hurt. He has a gf now who is pregnant (not by him) and it just makes me so mad that he is willing to be there for her & her baby but couldn't be there for his own wife and child. I'm not a bad person. I didn't treat him like crap. He wants to be involved again and I told him he has to follow the court orders. Which is complete the parenting class and go through counseling. He talks about how he will do "anything" I want to be able to be there for his son but he refuses the counseling. I think it would be best for us to each have seperate counseling, and counseling together but I doubt he would agree to that. I don't want to "keep" his son from him but I don't want him to run off with him or keep on doing this wishy washy thing with him, or hurt him.  

My sister is a single Mom of a great 2 year old boy. She used to live in San Francisco, but recently moved to San Diego to have my parents help w/ baby sitting while she works full-time and goes to school.  Her ex-boyfriend and father of her child, still lives in San Francisco and demands that he have my Nephew every other month.  Therefore, every month, my sister flies my nephew out there, or her ex-goes down to San Diegoto pick him up.  One month my sister will have her son, the next month her ex will have him.

I'm worried that this isn't mentally and emotionally healthy for a 2 year old.  As soon as he gets used to one place, he's pulled from him surroundings.  I'm afraid he will grow to have trust issues, relationship problems and dependency problems.  At his young age, isn't stability and the consistent nurturing of one parent more important than my sister's ex's insistence to have her son w/ him son every other month?  I've tried telling her to that it would be better to let her ex visit her son once a month for along weekend, but keeping him in his surroundings (w/ my sister).  She says she agrees, but her ex will not agree to it.  And she already feels bad about moving her son away from the city her ex lives in.  So basically, she’ll continue to do this.

To make matters worse, when my nephew is San Francisco with his father, he is at a Day Care every day, and has several different baby sitters at during the week nights.  So my sister's ex only really takes care of my nephew on the weekends and maybe 3 nights during the weekday.

Underlying your message is the assumption your nephew would be better off with your sister.  I'm not so sure the courts would take that view so try not to push your sister into any actions that will get her ex wanting to get the custody put on a formal basis. 

Your sister must be working 12 hour days and chasing her tail to catch up with course work at weekends.  She's not doing a lot of parenting when your nephew is with her.  What your parents are providing is daycare with complications - the boundaries of the parent/paid childcare worker/grandparent relationships are a mess. 

The ex on the other hand has set himself up a life where whatever deadline looms in his world outside being a parent he is free 2 or 3 evenings a week and at weekends and he's providing an environment where your nephew is learning to socialise outside the family.   

Given the ex must be paying retainer fees for the childcare in your nephew's absence there was a deal for your sister in San Francisco whereby the ex paid for all the childcare while your sister got her working and academic life on track after having the baby.  Why on earth has she chosen to turn your parents into unpaid childcare providers?  She's refusing to face the reality that there are only so many hours in the day.  Full time work and parenthood is difficult enough.  Stick college on top and both the work and the parenting suffer.   

If I were you I'd try and get your sister to see that part-time work and reduced college commitments are in her child's best interests but if she won't budge after 2 attempts stop commenting.   This is a temporary situation anyway.  When your nephew goes to school either your sister or the ex will have to compromise. 

It is something they will have to try and see how the child does, it may work out, it may not. If she feels that it isn't good for her son she will have to stand up to her ex and come to a compromise. But it does come down to it is her child and up to her to decide what is best for her son. Don't take this harshly, I am a little bitter but since my divorce my sisters and ex have decided that I do not know how to raise my daughters and they interfer alot to the extent that they have almost split my fiance and I up, my daughters are now living with their dad (I hope it is temporary), they have stood by my ex and his manipulating ways, my kids have been uprooting and are miserable but they believe what their dad and my sisters have told them. The funny thing is my daugthers were 9 and 12 when we divorced and I had been raising my daughters basically on my own, and I had looked after my sisters alot because they were alot younger than I, even when they were young adults they did not have a clue about life because I handled everything for them. 

You have said your piece now it is time to leave it alone, or you may push her like my family pushed me and we will never be a family again, after having a very close relationship. 

Lauire  

My fiance and I just won custody of his 4.5 year old child.  His mother has been addicted to crack, for many many years.  In fact, he tested postive for cocaine when he was born and went through withdrawls.  CPS took him and placed him in the maternal grandmothers care for one year.  During that time she continued to test positive for cocaine. 

My fiance and her got a divorce two years ago.  And she had custody with him having every other weekend and they both had equal parenting decision making.  

Since this time, there has been many many occasions when he has confronted her on her continued drug use and has told her that she needs to get it together.   

She didn't take the opportunites to fix the problem and we finally filed with the court and won custody. 

My problem is that the child never wanted to live with his Mother.  When she found out that she had to go to court, she began putting things in his mind. And even had hime call with messages to his Father for her, like why are you being mean to mommy etc... 

She also told him we lied to get him to live with us. 

My question is, how much do we tell him about why he actually is with us?  Do we tell him that it was becuz of his momthers drug abuse and her and her live i n boyfriends constant physical fights? 

I don't want him to resent us.  Please help, if you have advice or have gone through this as well. 

My Husband and I went through a simular situation last year with his four year old daughter Abigail.  

Abby had lived mostly with her grandmother due to the fact that her mother is in prison and has been there most of her life.She took off w/Abby right after her birth.When Jess finally found Abby(about 18months old) he thought it best to leave her w/ her Grandmother and let her get to know him first.Everything seemed fine until about the time we got married.Abby's grandmother started telling her things.Thing like I didn't want her, never to call me mommy, that her Daddy loves  my kids more than her.She also started bringing Abby to the prison to see her mother even though she had never been before Abby didn't know her mother and it was very upsetting for her to go on those visit. She would come for her weekend and not speak to any one in the house except for her father.I have children close in age to her and they had always gotten along great.When My husband asked her why she told him granny told her we weren't here family we were strangers and not to talk to me or play with my kids.We finally made the decision the seek full custody. Abby was confused at first.But kids are smarter than we really give them credit for.Your step son is probably very aware of the things that went on @ his mothers.With Abby we never got into too many details.And honestly she never asked too many.She blended in very quickly.My adviceto you is: Give him some time,answer his questions as honestly as you can.Number one rule in my house was we never spoke badly about Abigail's mother or Grandmother.And if you don't think you can handle this on your own get professonial help.  

I am a single mom. I have raised my son solo since he was newborn. I left my fiance (his father) after he went to jail when my baby was born. This scared me so much that I restarted my life. I moved back to the state I was raised in. I moved close to my family. I started a new job and I'm going to school. I want the best for my son and I do everything in my ability to give it to him. I work in childcare and I bring him with me so he has never been away from me for more than an occasional few hours at a time. He is just 2 years old now. His father is released and has been visiting him over the last year. He claims that he's cleaned up his life. I really don't care what he does with his life except for the for that he is my son's father. I know that he loves him very much. We do differ on parenting styles but that's manageable. I'm worried that he may still be doing illegal activity. How do I know if when he takes the baby something may happen? He says that he's not but I don't know. He wants the baby to come stay at his home out of state for a few days at a time here and there. This is a constant argument between us. He pays me child support each month which I need to get by for now. We have no court child visitation or support rulings. He has little in his name and Im sure that the court would order him to pay less than what he is now. Also it would make him very angry at me if I went to court and shared this. I worry that he may stop child support or take my son away from me. What can I do? I do want my son to have a father but I cant worry about my child's welfare in his fathers care. My son is my life and I want him to have the best possible. Any advice please for a worried loving mother?