Topic : Co-Parenting

I just posted my first post and i am having issues in where I can not coparent with my ex.  He  buys everything for my son, buys him things every other weekend that he has him and does not support any parenting that I want to impose.  if my son want to quit swimming, baseball, TKwan Doe, he lets him.  My son need tutouring and it's taken 2 years to agree to get my son to attend.  NOw my sons want to quit tutouring and I have discussed with my son and he tell me that i need to discuss it with his dad and of course his dad will not talk to me about it because they both know that i don't want my son to quit the tutour.  Whenever I have problems with my son he runs to his dad every time that i try to impose structure and rules and take away privileges. Anyway i can go on with lots of examples on how i have a permissive ex hansband and is teaching my son to be rude and dismissive of me and not listen to me and understand that he needs to take responsibilities for his own bad behaviour and make amends for his behaviour.  i have tied to apologize to my ex for anything that i might have done to hurt him while we were married even though he was the one that had an affair, just so that i could heal my anger and move on and he does not get it.  he is turning my son into a selfish, self centre, ego maniac -......  oh yeah just like him.  anyway as for your situation.  I hate to say it but the if the girls are old enough ( I can remember their ages) they don't have to go to their dads and by the time the girls are 13 and 14 like my son, they can basically decide where they want to life.  I don't want my son to go live with his father becaue his dad does not parent him, he is just trying to buy his love, but in your case, the kids can choose not to go becasue they can voice their opinions that their father is crule and lying and saying bad things.  You do what you can do at your place and if the girls don't want to go they can call their dad and say they don't want to go.  it's catch 22 - am am telling you that your kids don't have to go and yet my kid wants to go and i don't want him to - for different reasons of course.  if i don't have my son i can't teach him anything good about life and consideration for other and that life is not all about him and his needs and wants, it's about more, but he is to young to understand and i am afraid i am losing the good that i see in him because of his ego manica father, but in your case,  don't get the father involved in anything. just do everything yourslef, if you have to go to court and address the issue that he will not give your child the meds that she needs, there is reasons for cause that he is not a fit parent, etc etc.  can you record all the stuff that he is not doing for the kids, etc etc.  make notes and if you can afford to go to court and accuse him of not being a fit parent you might get your kids to be with you all the time.

again,  are you still miles apart if so, the kids don't have to go again depends on their ages (can't remeber sorr).

I am at a loss for words.  I have been married for 9 years to my husband who has 2 children from a previous marriage.  They had to get married b/c she was pregnant.  In the beginning years, she hated me. Said we should not get married, it would only hurt the children in the end.  she grew up in a divorced, alcholic parents; mother died from drinking; father remarried and she has very little to do with them.  As the children have grown up, now 11 and 13, alot of things have changed.  We have the children more than we are suppose to.  Just because she has gone back to school for her masters, and we get them a couple days a week and every other weekend.  The children mentioned to us about 9 months ago, how their mother didn't spend anytime with them.  We told them to sit down and speak to her about that.  When after 4 different times they tried to talk to her, the oldest child called for help and wanted to come to our house forever.  I was devasted to say the least for several reasons, but most of all, the fact they were hurting that bad.  My husband asked if he could come over and talk with all of them.  She agreed.  throughout the whole conversation, she paid them no attention and shook her head  during the conversation.  Told them she was going to do what she wanted to do and that didn't include them.  Afterwords, the children came over and broke down in tears.  They desperately want the attention from their mother, but were just told she didn't care.  for the last 3 months, she has have the children 16 days out of the months.  she hasn't spent any quality time with them and the time she has had with them, she leaves them at home or takes them out with her friends and their kids.  The children would be fine doing that if they liked the kids they were with.  They discribed a couple of them as spoiled children who don't behave and they are embarrassed to be out with them.    HERE is the new thing.  My husband asked the x to spend some money on clothes for the children.  she shops normal stores for herself, but thrift stores for them(if and when she buys them anything at all)  She tells them they have no money, but they see her go shopping for new outfits for herself and buying things for herself.  Anyway, she was livid he asked that and told him to get lost.  She was going to take the children away from him; to where he would only have the every other weekend and was going to take him to court to get more money.  She had already spoken to a lawyer in July about it.  He is worried she will try to take the children back to no time with him because of it.  she told him he was a crappy father.  I am not worried about the money/child support.  We do our part.  She makes more money than he does.  I am really not sure what her motive is with all of this; hurting the children more?  I love the children as if they were my own.   my husband is hurt because she doesn't want to spend time with the children, but now wants to make sure he doesn't get anytime with them either.  what do we do?  It's obvious she doesn't care that they are hurting, she has her priorities elsewhere.

 I have been divorced now for 6 years.  I was in an abusive marraige.  My ex threatened me with never seeing my son again in order to give him sole custody.  I finally gained my strength back 2 years ago and got joint custody during mediation.  Now my ex is threatning to have me arrested if I don't give him back sole custody again.  He says I had him falsely arrested and kidnapped our son two years ago, which is not true.  He also said he doesn't want me calling my son anymore.  I have a lawyer, but I am all alone and scared.  He has a partner that he considers my son's step-father and they are both attacking me and threatning me in order to take my son away from me.  My son is young.  Any advice?

Ignore the threats. Period. End of sentence.

Your ex- is threatening you now b/c it has worked in the past to get what he claims he wants. I would keep EXTREMELY close tabs on son's whereabouts these days. It would not surprise me if there are plans on Dad's end to take the boy and run, having that accusation against you as "justification." (sounds like Dad didn't like the "new world order" imposed 2 yrs ago when you got joint custody - boo-hoo!)

You & your lawyer should check what your decree/state law says, but generally you have the RIGHT to telephone contact with your son when he is with Dad, just as Dad has those rights when son is with you.

Lean on your lawyer. HARD. That's what you are paying him/her for. S/He will advise you if the situation warrants further mediation/court action.

I just wanted to say thanks.  I appreciate your advice very much.

Hi

Not sure there is an actual question, but I could use some feedback on this one.  The she is his mother.  The him is my stepson.  He is 13 and lives with the old man and I.  Well, 5 days a week and mom on weekend.  He lives with us cause she couldn't control his behavior.  He is honor roll and cross country and popular with no behavioral issues....now.  It was opposite at her house.  Now that we have "fixed" him, she wants him back.  She doesn't like the fact he is doing well...makes her like a failure with him.   He doesn't want to go so he behaves the way that gets him sent to our house.  Latest thing is that he ticked her off by ignoring her and she stood up and screamed that he is no longer her son and he is no longer welcome in her home.  He is fine with that cause after he heard her say that, he doesn't want to have anything to do with her anyway.  He is terribly hurt by those words.  Now she wants an apology for his behavior and refuses to believe that she did anything wrong and if he can't apologize he should go to military school to learn to respect her.  Forgive the rambling, the whole mess just doesn't make sense. Oh, and it is all our fault...we turned her son against her.  He is so hurt and I can't fix it...dad can't fix it...only mom can and we can't make her....what can I do for him?