Topic : Co-Parenting

I   agree .  my boy friend is the same way , If I try to worn him, or tell him about his child's conduct, he says I'm to picky. Or he asks me why I am picking on them. He brushes importance off. I think because he was a single dad and wants the kids to like him more.

When a child visits the other parent. There usually is no way to have control over the way they discipline. and the court does nothing until someone is hurt. And teaching our Young right from wrong is so important.

My 5 year old son often does not want to visit his father.  There is no legal visitation order in place we just usually set up a time.  My question is do I force him to go?  He ends up having fun while he is there and he had no good reasons as to why he doesn't want to go.  I usually leave it up to his father as to if he wants to force him to go since he is the one that will have to deal with it.  Any other ideas how to handle this?

Over a year ago I got married to a man that has a son, and I already had a daughter.  I try to treat both children fairly in our home, my daughter is the only child that lives with us full time.  However in all my efforts to treat them the same, my husband doesn't seem to see that he treats them differently. Our newest battle is about Christmas, for me, I would set a dollar amount for each child and that way no one is getting anything more than the other child.  My husband has decided that he will spend a couple hundred more dollars on his son to get him an extremely expensive gift (xbox 360) for a six year old.  While my daughter who is younger will have to just have the set amount spent on her.  To me age doesn't matter, they already get so much anyway I feel as if my daughter is getting ripped off because I don't think that it is right to spend more on one child and not the other.  I need some advice, because it is not only this, there are other things such as disciple that is being effected too.  It seems to me that my husband favors his child over mine and that I am doing everything in my power to make sure that both kids feel equally loved.

Setting a dollar amount is the reasonable and fairest thing to do. Your husband buying a six year old an X-box 360 is extravagant, unfair and in my opinion, as a parent, unreasonable. I say unreasonable because a six year old will not comprehend the dollar value of this big-ticket item; a six year old will receive a gift like this and he will expect more and bigger from then on. If his gifts aren’t as great as this X-box, from here on out, the child will feel disappointment. It will be difficult to please him. Therefore, in your husband’s efforts to deliver a special gift, what he is actually doing is making life difficult from the moment the wrapping is taken off.
It isn’t the child’s fault; it is the parents fault.
Your husband is creating an over-indulged citizen who will go out into the world undisciplined and face many disappointments.
I’m assuming that this isn’t something your husband discussed with you, it is something he has decided upon whether you approve or not, correct? What is your usual response to situations like this? When your husband doesn’t discipline his son, do you have discussions about it? And if so, does he ever give you reasons for his inaction? In many cases of divorced parents, the parent who doesn’t see the child very often will indulge them with material items and/or money to compensate for not being there on a daily basis. Basically, your husband is trying to purchase his guilt away. He doesn’t discipline fairly because he is ‘afraid’ of making his child mad; he probably won’t admit that but I’m sure it is true to some degree.
As for advice, you and your husband must get on the same page and work together. It isn’t easy, it takes work. The easier thing to do is just let things go the way that they are, although you know it is wrong. The end result will be resentment, bitterness, perhaps even divorce. The end result for your child will also be resentment; the result for his child will be greed and lack of accountability. None of that sounds good, right? But it is easier than dealing with the issues now. The hard thing to do, and the right thing to do, is to fight for what is right at this point in time. I wish you the best of luck! 

Oh that is sad.  I think children of that age should not have a choice until they are maybe about 12 or so.

I learned in the for the sake of the children course that children often say one thing to one parent and another to the other. So perhaps your son is saying this because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings?

 

Why doesn't he want to go? Does he rationalize a reason or is it that there are no toys and stuff at his dads? I think your son deserves to have a relationship with his father. My X let my kids NOT come to see me a few times and it just about breaks my heart, and then when I do have them and got ot ake them home they cry and say they don't want to go home and that just about breaks my heart.  Anyway my opinion is that you should sent your son to spend time with his father until he is of an older age. 

What do you do when one parent throws the kids into every sport or activity they can, spends lavish amounts of money on them and gives them no displine.

 

I am only allowed to have them every second week-end and some times if i am lucky for a week or two in the summer. I am so sick of putting them in the courner and punishing them all the time when they are at my house. I get to see them so little, I just don't want to do that stuff to them yet I feel like my X is really spoiling them and not teaching them anything of value.  The things I care about are things like telling the truth, keeping your word, protecting the weak.. NOT stealing.  stuff like that.

 

She on the other hand has no issues with stealing and lieing and I am seeing the kids doing more of this stuff.  I am afraid that if I am always showing them discipline here, they will just NOT WANT to come see me anymore.

 

What should a person do?

I think this is BAD advice. I went through the "system" as a child and to make long story short, it destroyed my relationship with my father and I still resent my mother for it.  The fact that you mentioned "mommy" thing makes me feel like you could be acting out of anger or hurt. My wife was really angry when her daughter did this with her X's new wife.  I know with my kids it would hurt too. 

 

Anyway I am 100% in agreement that every parent should support their children in all ways, not just financially, but the current system in both Canada and the US is riddled with issues and the amounts are absurd at times. I would talk to him about it (if it all possible to be civil).  There are plenty of ways for him to help support the kids too. You can have auto withdraw and stuff done in your account or he can pay in other ways too. 

 

Anyway going into the system is bad news period.  Also getting put in jail for owing money, is a real injustice anyway. I cannot believe someone hasn't torn that up. There isn't supposed to be debter prison in the US or Canada, but that is exactly what that is. It's incredibly bad.

Isn't a dead beat dad a father who walked out on a family and doesn't see his children or help support them financially?  Folks throw this label out way way way too much and it's offensive in the extreme.

 

 

The father is more concerned about us getting back together than spending quality time with his daughter.  when he has come to see his 5 month old girl, there is so much tension and stress in The air that the baby is way uncomfortable.  She is not herself, and she is scared of his presence.  Just looking at him scares her!  What is that? 

 

He is now paying child support and is very upset about that, probably because he has another daughter out there who is13 that he pays for.  Mind you he never tries to see her.  "But this one is different" he says, referring to my girl. 

 

I have had to change my phone number  twice because he harasses me and threatens me. He definitely tries to cause drama,  if I let him   One minute he is real nice and then he turns evil when I am not nice back. I totally do not trust him.  Would die if he filed for visitation rights through the court and they let him take her by himself!  Oh my GOD!  I really do not know what he is capable of.  He used to be physically abusive to me, and doesn't' know the first thing about taking care of a baby. Not only that, but she is a girl, and  I do not trust anyone for that matter.

 

So I feel like Should let him come the OnE day a week he wants to see her just because I am afraid of the screwed up system making the shots.  I am very close to filing a protection order against him just so he will leave us alone.  I also have a ten yo boy  who has been in the middle of all this.

 

Should he have parenting rights just because he is biologically  her dad?  I don't want her growing up resenting me,and I don't want her growing up with broken promises from her so called dad who is never  going to be there for her when she needs him.  The man works 60-70 hr weeks, always has, always will until retirement.  Plus he moves every 3 years when the contract is up at his employment.  So right now even he lives a good hour and 45 min away. 

 

I have been there with my dad,and am still hoping for him to change, the 13 yo is going through it right now with him.   I do not want this baby girl to go through it.  So sad.

 

This was the last thing I wanted to be involed in.  Another baby by myself, and Friend of the Court.  Big fat jerk! I hate him for lying to me and hurting me, and now I have his baby!  He has delivered me with broken promises, he is 36, I don't think he is going to change now.

 

What is your opinion on this?  Do I let him see her?