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Topic : Co-Parenting

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Created on : Thursday, June 30, 2005, 12:44:44 pm
Author : dataimport
Are you sharing a child with someone who doesn't live with you? Share your story and your strategies for effective parenting.

 
peterspumpkin
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March 27, 2008, 9:18 am PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: brettt

 Hi , I was wondering if anyone knows where divorced fathers can receive help, or assisstance. I am a very responsible, and loving father of a 6 year old girl. Her mother and I have joint custody, and her primary place of residence is with her mother. If you go to the court website for our county, there is lots of help for mothers, who may not be receiving child support, or who are having other problems, all without a legal expense for them, but none for fathers whatsoever. I am always current with my child support, and always spending all the time that is per our  custody. I will not go into detail, but her mother is the most hateful, malicious, undermining person I have ever known. I keep a detailed journal of all of my ex,s rants, raves, trouble causing etc. I even have voice mails. One example of such is when my daughter left a message on my cell phone. Her mother, her mother,s boyfriend, and one of his daughters were fighting. You can hear them all screaming, my daghter was asking me to come and get her.Everyone of my friends, co workers, that I have let hear this message is amazed by the very clear derogatory comment made to my daghter, by  my ex as she is leaving me this message. Also, there is regularly 5 children in their home. Five children, 2 adults, in a 2 bedroom, 900 sq ft duplex. My ex has a 2 year old with her boyfriend, and he has 3 other girls, ages 9-11 with his two ex wives. One top of all this my ex, asked for court mediation! I go for my solo visit with the mediator next week. I hope it goes somewhere. Does anyone have any advice? Does anyone know of any sites or organizations that offer advice on such?   Thank you in advance,,,,frustrated in k,c, 
Quite often, even though the help is aimed at mothers (because more mothers than fathers have this problem), fathers can qualify for the same help. Contact these resources that are for "mothers" and explain your situation. You may be surprised. All I can say about mediation is, I've been through it a time or ten, try not to stress too much about it. Mediation is generally very informal, just don't forget to think before you speak. Practice taking two breaths before you say ANYTHING. I mean when they ask your name, take two breaths, then state your name. If you pop off with something and it comes out wrong, it could be quite difficult to backtrack. Keep what's best for the child in mind, don't attack your ex's parenting, stick to the facts and you should be fine.
 
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peterspumpkin
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March 27, 2008, 9:24 am PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: greeneyes_1963

I've been married for 24 years and have 3 children.  My husband and I aren't in agreement over parenting the kids. We have been in major battles over the years over this.  My job as a mother is to protect her children.  Things he has done over the years has caused them to fear him.  They don't like to go to him for anything that they might of done because they are afraid of him.  He has broke their possessions and thrown things when he seems to be losing control of the situation.  I'm even afraid to tell him things because i'm scared of his reaction.  I don't want to upset him or make him mad.  I want him to be happy because if he is happy everyone is happy.  The last fight we had he accused me of turning the kids against him.  That is the last thing i have ever wanted.  I have encouraged the kids to go to him for things but they won't.  I think my kids have been affected by his actions and i don't want it to go on anymore.  I am going for counselling with my kids and I have told him he should get it too.  He refuses to believe he has a problem.  He says its because of me and I get in the way of his parenting.  I've wanted him to go to a marriage counseller but he refuses.  I want us to work thru this if we can but i'm not sure what to do.  If he refuses to acknowledge there is a problem, what can I do? 
Is he two? Sounds like terrible two's to me. Living in fear is the last thing you want for your children. You are absolutely right, your job is to protect them, even if it means protecting them from their own father. They don't have a choice but you do. I think you already know what you have to do if he refuses to acknowledge the problem. You've got to get those babies out of there. Maybe that will wake him up, maybe it won't but at least you'll know you did everything you could do to give your children the best life possible. Don't they deserve that?
 
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peterspumpkin
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March 27, 2008, 9:31 am PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: texasmom2007

Please help me figure out how to make peace with my x-husband, for my kids sake. We were married for 22 yrs divorced 3 yrs ago. I just want more then anything to make peace with my x. the divorce has been final for 3 years and he has lived with a woman for almost 2 years now. but he still hates me and has tried on many occasions to turn my kids again me, because I divorced him. 

My kids and I are very close and they understand why i divorced their father.But they both want so bad for their father to get over it and quit being so anger towards them.

My son will be 23 this year and has talked about getting married to his girlfriend of three years, but I honestly believe one of the reasons he is scared to have a wedding knowing that his parents cant even be in the same room. My daughter is 18 and graduating from high school in couple months. I called her father to see if he wants to order some invitation for graduation for his family and order some of her senior pictures. He was all nice on phone but later that night he called and told me he wasnt paying for anything. And send me this text messages just he other day You made decisions without asking my opinion on anything, you insisted on a divorce kicked me out and also the kids lives u took everything and only demand money. He as refused to pay his half of dental bills or medical bills.

Any way he refuse to help our daughter, her vehicle was broke down on the side of the road, she called him, because he always told if she need him to call, every thought he never had helped her when she called before, well this time he got hateful with her told her that you are your mothers responsibly, that why I pay child support.

See I need some good advice, my daughters graduation is come up and she wants to have a big graduation party just like her brother got, so my boyfriend and I are plan on giving her one. She wants to invite all her fathers family, which I think is great.  Her fathers parents and I are still close and I try to call them least once a week.

But I want more then anything to make peace with my x-husband, so the kids dont have to be afraid of how their father is going to act during events that we both need to be at.  Just want peace for everyones sake, I know I cant make him be someone his not, tried that for 22 yrs, but theres got to be something I can do for my kids sake.  I ve thought about calling my x and saying cant we learn to get along for the kids sake. But i am scared i am just going to get him started with blaming me for everything all over again.

PLEASE I NEED TO ADVISE BAD!!!!!!

 

 

If he's hell bent on hating you, calling probably won't help. I'm going through the same thing with my ex, except that my children are younger. We were married 8 years, been divorced, nearly 5. He is remarried and so am I. He has spent the last 3 years trying to destroy me. Even after all he's done, I continually try to make peace with him but he will have no part in it. All I can assume is, though he's remarried, he's obviously not happy in that marriage, he still wants me in his life for better or worse! Just kidding, anyway, the kids, unfortunately do pay for their parents selfishness and all you can do is love them through it. You can't change him. You can't fix him. You can just be the best mom you can be and love your children a little extra. I realize they're grown but they still need that love. They need to know that at least one of their parents loves them enough to put them first!
 
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peterspumpkin
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March 27, 2008, 9:40 am PDT

What if you're wrong?

Quote From: kimber1869

   I am so sick of drama from my ex! I had to call the cops on him yesterday......
He made allegations that my bf of 5 months hit my 2 yr old. He says she hits herself sometimes and when he asks who hits her like that, she says (my bf's name). Now, a little background info on this whole situation....
My ex and I have been split since April when he was cheating on me a yr ago. It only took me meeting someone new 3 months after I left him to "see the light" and want me back....but I'm not willing to go through that again, no trust at all....of course my ex wants to beat the snot out of my bf because my ex feels my bf "ruined our family" and if my bf wasn't in the pic I'd go back with cheater and liar ex. I told him that would never happen.....can't do it for the kids and wouldn't do it for any other reason, so it would never happen, new bf has nOTHING to do w/ it. But of course ex needs to blame someone so my bf is blamed.
Recently my ex has been civil at drop off/pick up of our 2 yr old. We have our own agreement on visitation and never went to court over it. But now things are getting really mesy and I called legal services to file for custody of my daughter.....just to get it in writing because I'm so afraid my ex will not bring her back to me tomorrow for my weekend because my ex INSISTS my bf hit my daughter. I KNOW HE DID NOT and would never...... he is a very good dad to his own 1 yr old and very good to me. I watch how he plays with my daughter and she loves my bf. She doesn't stop asking for him or his son when they are not at our house and she is not afraid of my bf at all when he is with us.
But my ex is a cop and says he interviews kids all the time and knows my baby is being hit, or was hit, by my bf......all I hear is "she is consistant with her story.....I do this all the time.....I was trained to do this...." crap. He also tells me to "step up and be a mom" beacuse I insist my bf is innocent.
My ex wants to talk to my bf to see if hes telling the truth, but I don't think my bf should be involved.....I think this is just a way for ex to get bf in front of him and badger him about "ruining his family", but now since I called the cops on my ex standing outside my house yesterday yelling for my bf to come outside and "talk".....my ex went to child protective services to file a report against my bf! This is crap and they will find that out, but why is my ex being such a dick?! Hes the one who screwed up in the first place, and he's been seeing other ppl since we've split, but still "wants his family back"......
I am so stressed I don't feel like I'm even really here......I feel numb and I am SO SCARED I won't see my baby til something goes through court, and that could be a month.....if you know what I mean! I miss her to death after a day.....I couldn't handle a month! help! Any comments, suggestions or advise? Please be honest....I appreciate that......thanks!
What if you're wrong and your bf is hitting this baby? Is a 5 month relationship, or any relationship for that matter, worth losing your child over or putting your child in danger? I wouldn't take the chance. I would suck the 5 months up, put a period at the end of that chapter and move on. You have the choice, your child doesn't.
 
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prpldjeep
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March 31, 2008, 9:13 pm PDT

Help Please

I could use some advice . My ex and I share custody of our 14 year old daughter. On fri. her father told her to limit our (she and I) phone calls to each other. John, my husband, her step dad, bought us new phones recently. My daughter was visiting her dad and she text me. Well, my phone wouldn't  send a text back. So I called her. Her father heard the phone ring . It was 7 p.m.

He proceeded to call me at home. I didn't get to the phone quick enough. He then had my daughter call me on my cell. On the line was her dad pissed because I called my daughter on his time! He said, I was invading he and his wifes privacy by calling our daughter. HIS PRIVACY!!!!!!!  He told me not to call her at his house any more.

Excuse me for calling my kid to let her know that my phone won't send a text.  Long story short, he  was drunk, and he and his wife brought her home on Sunday night. She was suppose to stay with him until thursday. I have primary custody of her, and she stays with them 6 days a month, if that. Her dad works shift work. When he is on call she stays with us during his visitation time. We are his built in baby sitter. Correct me if I am wrong, I should be able to call my kid on the phone when she is at her dads house. She was in her room alone watching Big Brother when I called. I would like to know how that was invading HIS and HER privacy. Well, she is home with me and safe. If it was up to her, going back to her dad's wouldn't be up for any further discussion. She feels un-welcome there and would not like to go back anytime in the near furture. What should I do? He is a control freak that I can't reason with.

 
 
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April 1, 2008, 5:35 am PDT

It was the equivalent of a double glazing sales call

Quote From: prpldjeep

I could use some advice . My ex and I share custody of our 14 year old daughter. On fri. her father told her to limit our (she and I) phone calls to each other. John, my husband, her step dad, bought us new phones recently. My daughter was visiting her dad and she text me. Well, my phone wouldn't  send a text back. So I called her. Her father heard the phone ring . It was 7 p.m.

He proceeded to call me at home. I didn't get to the phone quick enough. He then had my daughter call me on my cell. On the line was her dad pissed because I called my daughter on his time! He said, I was invading he and his wifes privacy by calling our daughter. HIS PRIVACY!!!!!!!  He told me not to call her at his house any more.

Excuse me for calling my kid to let her know that my phone won't send a text.  Long story short, he  was drunk, and he and his wife brought her home on Sunday night. She was suppose to stay with him until thursday. I have primary custody of her, and she stays with them 6 days a month, if that. Her dad works shift work. When he is on call she stays with us during his visitation time. We are his built in baby sitter. Correct me if I am wrong, I should be able to call my kid on the phone when she is at her dads house. She was in her room alone watching Big Brother when I called. I would like to know how that was invading HIS and HER privacy. Well, she is home with me and safe. If it was up to her, going back to her dad's wouldn't be up for any further discussion. She feels un-welcome there and would not like to go back anytime in the near furture. What should I do? He is a control freak that I can't reason with.

 

You disturbed your ex's Friday night for trivia.   Texts don't have to be replied to instantly.  Your daughter could quite safely have been left in ignorance about your cell phone troubles and lived with the assumption that you'd switched it off.  Alternatively you could have called her mobile rather than her father's land line.  Your ex doesn't want to see or hear from you unless he has to, which for the sake of peace, limits your 'pnone calls to him to information he needs to know, emergencies and pre-arranged times when your daughter is with him. 

 

Personally I wouldn't knock the on-call arrangement too much.  The extra payments probably go a long way towards your child support and provide her father with a reasonable standard of living.  Without it your daughter's lifestyle would suffer both with you and with her father.  However you might consider making the 6 days your daughter spends with her father ones where he doesn't have any work commitments rather than sticking rigidly to a routine which doesn't suit him because he has to be available for work and which leaves you as baby sitter.  .   

 
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cmrist
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April 2, 2008, 10:31 am PDT

My 3 year olds Dad sleeps with her every night

Hello, I need some liturature or solid advice on how to convince my husband that it is not ok to sleep with our 3 year old daughter every night. He takes her to her bed after she falls asleep in our bed about 50% of the time and then just stays there with her. The other 50% of the time she stays in our bed thrashing and kicking and keeping both of us awake. He usually ends up sleeping in her bed alone on those occasions. I have told him that if he has the energy to get up and go to bed in her bed that he could instead pick her up and put her in her own bed and then come back to our bed. He usually tells me to shut up or just ignores me completely. He appears to be replacing sleeping with me to sleeping with her and cuddles up next to her but not to me.....its starting to make me uncomfortalbe. What can I show him to make him stop?
 
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April 3, 2008, 5:57 am PDT

Irrational ex

Quote From: prpldjeep

I could use some advice . My ex and I share custody of our 14 year old daughter. On fri. her father told her to limit our (she and I) phone calls to each other. John, my husband, her step dad, bought us new phones recently. My daughter was visiting her dad and she text me. Well, my phone wouldn't  send a text back. So I called her. Her father heard the phone ring . It was 7 p.m.

He proceeded to call me at home. I didn't get to the phone quick enough. He then had my daughter call me on my cell. On the line was her dad pissed because I called my daughter on his time! He said, I was invading he and his wifes privacy by calling our daughter. HIS PRIVACY!!!!!!!  He told me not to call her at his house any more.

Excuse me for calling my kid to let her know that my phone won't send a text.  Long story short, he  was drunk, and he and his wife brought her home on Sunday night. She was suppose to stay with him until thursday. I have primary custody of her, and she stays with them 6 days a month, if that. Her dad works shift work. When he is on call she stays with us during his visitation time. We are his built in baby sitter. Correct me if I am wrong, I should be able to call my kid on the phone when she is at her dads house. She was in her room alone watching Big Brother when I called. I would like to know how that was invading HIS and HER privacy. Well, she is home with me and safe. If it was up to her, going back to her dad's wouldn't be up for any further discussion. She feels un-welcome there and would not like to go back anytime in the near furture. What should I do? He is a control freak that I can't reason with.

 

You already know that you can’t reason with your ex, so don’t even try. Your daughter is old enough to know that if you don’t respond to a text, it probably means you turned your phone off. However, if her text contained something that you HAD to respond to, in the future, call her cell instead of your ex’s land line. If your ex doesn’t like it, TOO BAD. Again, like you said, he can’t be reasoned with. The only thing that his irrational tantrums are creating is distance between himself and his child.
If your child truly doesn’t feel welcome at her father’s house and she doesn’t want to go there, I suggest that you go to your court house and file for full custody. You have very good reason to do this- your ex gets drunk while he has visitation/custody of your child and then he acts irrationally. I think that getting full custody is a reasonable, responsible thing to do on your part. I wish you well!
 
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April 11, 2008, 8:58 am PDT

Fathers Rights

My husband has 2 kids from a previous marriage and his wife is doing everything she can to turn the kids against him. He moved from Kansas to Montana a few years ago because she kept meddling in his life and was so controlling and manipulative he felt he had to make some drastic changes. The kids are now 17 and 9 and his ex-wife has let the 17 year old be the parent and designate when they could and could not come and visit according to what was happening with her friends at the time. Their mother has told them that if their dad loved them he wouldn't have left them - has told them he abandoned them - has involved them in every adult issue that has arised since the divorce 7 years ago - Anything and everything to turn the kids against him. He used to call the kids every night when he got home from work.  The mom and older child would interfere with him talking to his son and tell him that he was sleeping, he didn't want to talk on the phone, he was out playing, he was watching tv - anything to keep him from talking to his son and having a relationship.  He would get to talk to him maybe once every two weeks. Recently we hired an attorney to set some visitation guidelines for the 9 year old son and his mom immediatly started taking him to a couselor saying he was "afraid of flying" so he couldn't come to visit by himself. She tries to interject fears and thoughts in his head with no regard to the childs well being - she just wants contol! They recently were appointed a mediator to solve the visitation issues and the mediator told my husband that nothing he will ever do will make her happy and that they (mom and daughter) will do anything and everything they can to keep him from seeing his son because they are angry. The ex-wife has pretty much turned her daughter against her dad with constant bad mouthing and blameing and now is working on his son. He is trying to be the best father he can from this distance, but the ex'wife will not allow him to stay involved in their lives and is constantly fighting and so over emotional she wont even have a civil conversation with him. Now what?
 
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April 11, 2008, 9:05 am PDT

Co-Parenting

Quote From: jaimie1974

You already know that you cant reason with your ex, so dont even try. Your daughter is old enough to know that if you dont respond to a text, it probably means you turned your phone off. However, if her text contained something that you HAD to respond to, in the future, call her cell instead of your exs land line. If your ex doesnt like it, TOO BAD. Again, like you said, he cant be reasoned with. The only thing that his irrational tantrums are creating is distance between himself and his child.
If your child truly doesnt feel welcome at her fathers house and she doesnt want to go there, I suggest that you go to your court house and file for full custody. You have very good reason to do this- your ex gets drunk while he has visitation/custody of your child and then he acts irrationally. I think that getting full custody is a reasonable, responsible thing to do on your part. I wish you well!
Make sure you're reason for talking or texting while she is with her father is sincere. Are you trying to interfere with her time with her father because you're insecure? She should be able to be away from you for a couple days without constant communication. Obviously he is attempting to maintain a relationship with her and you should not be interfering with that unless it's very important. She should get her "dad time" too.
 
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